Letters to men from women working on healing from PASS
One of the big problems for a woman after an abortion is dealing with her feelings towards the man involved. If you have anger, or disappointment, or other feelings, you need to get them out! Writing a letter and saying exactly what you are feeling, no matter how harsh or negative, can be helpful. Since it's not a face to face argument, you are free to say everything you really want to say, without being interrupted or otherwise stopped from expressing your real feelings. Women are taught not to 'show anger' in our society - angry women are portrayed as ugly, out of control, inappropriate, and ridiculed. Women are taught to placate, to avoid fights, to avoid anger, to calm others and reduce conflicts. Angry men on the other hand, are shown as righteous and passionate about their issues, and men's anger is viewed as a positive expression of males speaking up for what is important to them. Is it any wonder we women have trouble expressing our anger? Here are some sample letters written by women who have been at the site, and are actively working on healing their lives. Reading these can give you an idea of what I mean when I talk about anger letters, or letters discussing your feelings. It's up to you to decide if you want to give the letter you write to the man. It is different for each situation, as to whether sharing your angry feelings will help or make things worse. You'll have to make that call yourself. It will help *you* if you write one, even if you never send it to him! If you want to share your own 'letter to a man', the form is at the bottom of this page. Some of these letters are very intense and straightforward in what they say, and the terms they use. If you are feeling sensitive, it's better to avoid these letters for now.
- Dear *-
I find it utterly ridiculous that i can manage to write you a letter via the internet for everyone to view, but I still can't face you. It's been 4 months since I have even spoken to you. Have you noticed? I doubt it.
You are the one person in my life who I have felt the most emotions for- lust, anger, love, jealousy, hate, sorrow. How can you still manage to do this to me? I am angry at you because you left. I don't know why, and I honestly don't care. You have had your time to "work it out" and your time is up. I know that you think you did the right thing because you took me to the doctor and sat the 3 hours in the waiting room and drove me home. Don't think I don't appreciate that, because I do. However you seem to have forgotten about me the second it was over. That hurts. It hurts that I can't talk to you about it even on a friend level. I know you don't want to be with me, and I can understand and accept that with little concern. Our relationship only lasted, what 2 months? I didn't even count. I did care about you deeply, I wouldn't have had sex with you if I didn't.
I didn't want to get pregnant, of course. And when I found out I almost didn't want to tell you. I didn't want to upset you, or lose you. Obviously I did both. What I hate the most is that you LIED to me! I didn't want the abortion. I DID have other options, but I don't believe in bringing something into the world that I couldn't support on my own. You are the one with the money, and you said yourself that you could get whatever money you needed for this. Of course, that didn't seem to apply once you found out that I was "pro-choice" suddenly you saw the easy way out. Maybe it was the best choice for our current situation, but that sure as hell doesn't make it any easier. I wonder if you even think about this baby, this living thing that we created inside of me? Doesn't that bother you, or are you so cold and callous that you think it's better this way? I can't imagine anyone thinking that way. About a month after the abortion, I had a dream about our baby. I don't know if it was a boy or a girl, but it's name was Skyler. It was beautiful, and you were there with me and we were both happy. Of course I know that isn't, and will never be, the case. If I saw you on the street tomorrow I would probably ignore you or walk the other way, which I am sure you would do the same. That hurts. You didn't even have the decency to wait 1 week after my abortion to dump me, 6 days was the exact amount of time before you shattered my already faltering soul. I hate you for that, and I hate you more for the effect that it has had on me since then. I can't get it out of my head for more than a few minutes, and then it's back again. I just have to wonder if any of this would even matter to you. You said that you weren't ready to be a father. I can't understand that, but if you weren't ready, you should have used a condom. That's the simple truth. I know that I am 50% at fault in that aspect, but the difference is I would have tried to raise Skyler by myself if I knew that you were going to leave. you said that this wasn't the right time, and you weren't ready, but you still wanted to be with me. Was that all a lie to get me to go through with the abortion? Probably. That hurts too.
The fact of the matter is that I thought you would still be there for me after the abortion. (yes, I can speak that word now. I couldn't for a while) You weren't. And, I am beginning to see, you never intended to be. According to our mutual friend, you have had no ill effects since then. Everything for you is a-ok, or at least that is the front you are putting up.
I wish that were the case for me. I miss you terribly, and not so much the relationship we had, but I am missing the one person who should understand what I am going through- the one who went through it with me. Why aren't you there? I really hate you for that. How could you look me in the eye, 6 days after I killed our baby, and say it was over, and that you hoped we could still be friends. FRIENDS?!! Obviously your idea of friends is different than mine. You haven't called or made any attempt to contact me since my abortion. I tried for a while, but after it became apparent you wanted nothing to do with me, or the situation, I stopped, and let you go on with your life, all the time thinking I could go on with mine. I haven't, at least not in the way that I could if I had some closure. Just knowing, in some way, that this affected you too would be enough. Just knowing that all this hurt and guilt I have is somewhere inside of you too for me would be enough. But I don't have that. That hurts the most. Please think about your baby, our baby, that never was because of a MUTUAL decision. I wish to God that you could acknowledge that, and take a little responsibility for it. Because I'm carrying way too much weight for both of us.
Honey- I don't know how to start this letter. I love you and I know that you love me too, but I need you to understand how I am feeling. I know that I have been fighting with you a lot lately and I am sorry, its just that I am so mad at both you and myself. I wonder what would of happened if I said that I wanted to keep our baby...I know that you would of been supportive, but I didn't want to put you through that pressure, because I know what you wanted to do.
I know that you are still hurting...I just don't know why we don't talk about it. I need someone to talk to. I feel so alone at times. If I could do it all over again, I would probably tell you that I wanted to keep it.
You will never know exactly how I feel, because you never carried our baby inside of you. Our baby was totally dependent on me...and I let it down. It was my final decision, and I know that I could of decided to keep it, but I didn't. I hate myself for it. I feel like now I have lost so many experiences...I will always wonder about my first baby, what she (I believe that our baby was a girl) would of looked like, what she could of became, and everything about her...I wonder where she is.
I know that you have been supportive and that you are trying to understand, but I need more. I need you to be willing to talk more. You always tell me that it is not my fault and that it was our best decision...that is not what I want to hear from you...I need you just to listen to me, tell me how you feel and hold me and let me cry in arms...just like you did when I found out that I was pg.
I love you, and I do not want this to ruin our relationship. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but I need you to listen to me more...I need your help.
I love you,
Henry, I have so much anger toward you,but I am attempting not to let it continue to eat me up. I NEED to forgive you for MY sake---I don't let people live rent-free in my mind anymore. You are a callous and cruel man. The reasons I say that are well-known to you. You are a coward,a fraud and a liar. You have no courage,no integrity,and no thought for anyone but yourself. You got me when I was vulnerable and hurting and you exploited me to the ends of the earth. Because of you,I have a pain that will never go away. But I was as disposable to you as our baby was. I guess everybody is. At the rate you are going,you will end up a lonely person at the end of your life.Then perhaps you will get a a taste of what you have inflicted on others. I can only hope. Just remember that all that bad karma will come back on you. You will go to Hell one day for your unrepentant cruelty and lies. Live with yourself.
- from jb:
i wish you had a clue what I am going through. you were so great when we first found out - i was hysterical that morning I called you, and you were there with me in less than 30 minutes. you said all the right things (for the most part), and held me and let me cry. it was the hardest decision i ever had to make. i so desperately wanted to have this baby. but i was so confused, considering the night before i found out i went to enroll in school to have a career so i wont struggle my entire life. i wonder if i made the right decision. i keep telling myself, this baby deserves a father that will love it - even if I'm not with the father. when you said you weren't sure you would even be part of its life, that pushed me towards my decision. when you got so mad at me that day for calling you when i was having an anxiety attack and left work early and needed to talk, that pushed me further towards me decision. then when you didn't show up the next day like you said you would, and didn't even call because you said I had annoyed the shit out of you , it was so clear. unfortunately, your family life when you were growing up has totally f'ed up your head, and you dont even realize it. you say your father beat you on a regular basis, you mother didn't care - you have no faith in love, or in people who love you. I worried you may be abusive to our child, like you have been to me. you've never hit me, but the emotional abuse and verbal abuse is just as bad. and now that this is all over, its like you dont care. you tell me you spent so much time with me to help me get through this, but i didn't see or hear from you for that first week afterward. the one time i talked to you when i was upset and crying, all you said was "I dont know what to do for you." i dont feel like i can talk to you about this, about what i'm feeling, cuz you dont understand. when i told you i keep hearing those horrible things those protesters were screaming at me, and i keep seeing the horrible pictures they stuck in my face, you just dont get it. you think i'm fine, because i dont talk about it, and before it I didn't talk or get upset. That's because i was in denial! I couldn't even say the word "a" - i still can't. I kept telling myself it was just a procedure i had to have, i wouldn't let my self think about what was really happening, because I couldn't deal with it. now that its over, and its sinking in, you're not here when I need you. you tell me i'm so fragile and weak and clingy right now, and that's why you dont want to be with me. You even accused me of getting pregnant on purpose to drag you back into my life. part of me wants you here to comfort me, but part of me hates you because you're just not here, and you don't understand why you should be here. I wish i could make you see, but i know you dont want to. i cant believe the fact that i had our baby inside me, and we killed it, and you're not even phased. i guess I'll have to get through this on my own. thank god for valium and prozac.
- from Shelly:
Hey. I decided to write you a letter since you have changed your mind about seeing me after all of these years. I am finally going through this process and I think it is healthy. You should try it.
There is so much that I would like to talk to you about, cry with you about- but I am not sure that you are ready. I wouldn't be if it weren't for our mutual friend. She is a rock and I thank God for her daily. This is an abbreviated version but I will try to include all of the relevant things.
I never hated you, I never blamed you, I never not wanted you to be a part of my life. You at the time represented the absolute worst pain of my life. I was very sick- I almost died and after they had done hundreds of tests and extensive drug therapy for 6 or so weeks they finally asked me if I could be pregnant. They thought the blood clots in my lungs was/were pneumonia. You know our hospital, they nearly beat me to death on my chest and back- thinking they were doing the right thing. Well, they dislodged the blood clot and it went through my heart landing in my leg. My leg turned blue and swelled 3 times its normal size. Not only could I not breathe, I couldn't walk either. They transferred me to a larger hospital where I spent the next 3-4 weeks in diagnostic hell. I had two chest x-rays a day plus every kind of drug imaginable. I told a nurse 5 weeks in- the only one who asked if pregnancy was even a possibility- that I could be. At this point it was at the end of February and I was beginning to wonder. Well, they never ran a test and never acknowledged the fact that I could be. All I could think about was you. I wanted to talk to you- see you- ask you. I told Mom that I felt like I was so she took me to yet another doctor after I was discharged. This brings us up to Mid-March. I think that I sent you a letter after. I'm sorry- from the bottom of my heart, mind and soul. The doctor confirmed and my first reaction was complete astonishment. We had been together so much when we were "together"- it NEVER occurred to me that years later this would happen between us. The next feeling was intense worry. I had all of those drugs- all of the x-rays. I couldn't understand why. The doctor called the blood doctors and they decided as a committee to terminate the pregnancy. They said that I would not make it to term and the child was severely damaged. Well, child is my term- they never acknowledged that it was a baby. Well, needless to say I was ballistic and hell bent on NOT having anyone do anything. I went to doctor after doctor. Checking blood levels and them telling me that I was going to die. It was more than my parents could handle. I was still so sick and totally dependent on them for everything. I still couldn't walk, and really couldn't breathe very well for that matter. I started coughing up blood and Mom threatened to have me committed if I didn't go through with the procedure. So I agreed. I went back into the hospital on April 24th. I can honestly say that I was crazy. At this point I was 17 weeks and showing. They had convinced me that this was all necessary and that I only had one choice. I was in hard labor for 2 days, they had to strap me down- because I just kept trying to get up. When he came out I knew because the pain stopped- but she covered my head with a blanket so I couldn't see. That might be a little more graphic than you wanted- I guess this is helping me by writing. Anyway, they took him right out- my Dad was in the hallway. All I can remember is my Dad asking them where they were taking him and him crying that's my grandson. My mother on the other hand was holding me down- I was out of the restraints and at this point up.
This was NEVER done because I didn't want the child. I loved you and our baby. When he was gone so was a part of my heart and soul.
You represented pain. I couldn't face you. My mother succeeded in helping me bury this away. I wasn't allowed to cry- to grieve. And by no means was I allowed to contact you. I wish that I could have been stronger and stood up for myself and our child. You know, our friend didn't even know the details until about a month ago. I never knew a lot of this stuff- or I didn't remember it. I got my medical records a couple of weeks ago. He did have liver damage. Maybe 13 years ago he couldn't have been saved- today he could. I don't know if this is what you needed from me. You probably are like I am- not really sure what we needed from each other. Mostly resolution.
I would love to say that this hasn't affected anything- that I'm just a little depressed in April and October but that's not true. I have since that time made some pretty horrific mistakes. I was convinced that I had to have a baby before my Dad died. I got married for that reason. I've stayed in the marriage to punish myself- thinking this is all I ever deserved. He is an alcoholic- a dry one for the past 3 years- but an alcoholic nonetheless. I am not completely spastic- I have a great job and I am getting my graduate degree. I do feel that I can heal somewhat from this and I will be better. I'm back in therapy- mostly because of the depression and have found a great support network on the internet. I have a couple of very supportive friends and will be fine. I want you to be fine too.
I wish that I could introduce you to your 13 year old son, but I can't. Part of the healing process is naming the baby. His name was Dylan. We can have separate processes. You do NOT have to feel obligated. I want for you to be healthy and happy and have lots of children- you will make a great father. Love You,
- Name: abg-w
I hate you and I can't forgive you. We both have blood on our hands and you caused this.
In one act, one single act of recklessness you threw both of our lives away, forever changing the course we were on, with no way back..
I can't reconcile what has happened. There are days when I can't even feel anything anymore and you wonder why? Other times, I can feel everything. Honestly, both extremes are a horror.. i can't tell you what is worse.
I loved you more than anything in life and I know you loved me. We didn't always know how to love each other, but the feelings nonetheless were real and genuine. What we could have had , could have been better, yes. But we should be thankful for what we had, because there are people who never had even that for a second in life. We had it all and lost it all and now you want to reclaim it?
Im supposed to just forget it all happened. It was just a bad dream, baby is what you say.. Forget it.. let me make it up to you..??? What the hell does that mean? To say we can have a baby now... just adds insult to injury.
What about our baby.. the one we murdered.. do you even care.. we can't even be honest about that much.. Who will care about this baby? No other baby will ever be this baby. Don't you get that??? To be soo smart,, you are soo dumb.
What were you thinking I would do? How could you think for a second.... after everything you said. Instead of trying to constantly discount what you have put me through in the past few months. why don't you honestly try to comprehend a fraction of what i have been through.. Do you know the terror that it was to climb up on a table and let that doctor murder our child.. do you know what it was like to come home alone... and sleep for three days and to wake up every couple hours and just scream......... I am unable to even describe the physical and mental pain and torture . I cried and cried and screamed and screamed and there wasn't anyone to help me. I was all alone and it didn't matter. Where were you on this day? closing a mega deal? screwing a bimbo? wherever you were.. you weren't there for the two people who should have mattered, me and your child and your child died. I did too. One casualty. and one semi-survivor.. honestly, I'd have rather have died to. I hate myself for being such a coward.. i should have stood up to you. I should have thought on my own. I acted to hastily.. and under a lot of pressure from you. I wtill never forgive myself for this. Nor do I think I will ever be able to forgive you. Most of me died that day too.
Now you want to bring me back to life?? i'm sorry i don't want to. Let me stay dead, please. You act indifferent to anything .. are you so cold now that you can't even feel in the slightest what you've done? what kind of person can murder a poor , gentle, defenseless baby and feel no guilt? What are you made of inside to be able to do that? And knowing you are a cold hearted, blooded murderer.. how can you wonder why i cringe and withdraw when you so much as even try to hold my hand.
I can't even think of what i am doing when we have any physical interaction whatsoever. I can't look,, and I can't let myself feel any of it. I just want to be done.
There is a part of me who will always love you.. I remember everything that we have been through and each little memory is like a treasure. Once in a while I will remember something happy from our past.. and for a second i can enjoy the thought and then I am overwhelmed by guilt and pain. I don't know when or if it will ever feel better.
I am not sure what i want for the future, or even if i want a future.
Why did it happen? Is there anything that could have prevented it? I need answers someday.. and someday maybe i will be ready to hear them. I need to know the honest truth i believe to be able to try to understand comprehend what has happened.
I never knew how much Love and Hate are so closely related and can feel the same.
with hate and love,
I know we have talked about how badly I felt about taking the morning-after pill, and that we have both moved on with our lives, married other people, had families of our own, but the main reason I can't totally put it all out of my mind is that I am sorry that I panicked and never even really asked what you thought at the time. I am not angry with you, I am just hoping that you can forgive me for taking this poison. The thing I never told you before, because it was too painful, is that I think despite the pills, I still got pregnant and had a miscarriage. Because it happened about 6-7 weeks after the morning after pill, I was only a few weeks pregnant and hadn't told you. I don't know why I kept it from you, I just think I had to get used to the idea and feel strong and wait until I was sure before telling you. I should have shared it all with you, and the fact that I decided that I did not want to have an abortion, but either nature or the damage done by the morning after pill sort of made the decision for me, and I felt so ashamed that it might have been my fault, that I didn't share it with you. But you have a right to know that we almost had a child together, so that you can grieve if you feel the need too, as I have done. I am sure that all this hidden pain inside me contributed to our relationship becoming violent eventually.
- Dear Kurt,
I know you do not want to hear this, but I have to do something. I can not take this abortion. I feel as though I want to kill myself, and that I deserve this suffering because I killed and mutilated my baby. I don't know what to do. You keep saying that you will support me, but I don't feel enough of that. I wish you could realize how devastating this has been for me. Imaging knowing that you killed a baby? Imagine having a child, and dismembering it because you were afraid of making people mad because you had a baby? That's how I feel in a way. It is 10:am, and I am afraid to go to sleep because earlier I saw my dead baby. It was cut up, and it only had one eye. It looked as though it had been torn apart. I am waiting for the protestors to come to my house to confront me, and tell my family that I murdered a baby. I know you don't care about god, but I know that I am damned to hell. I have no resolution in this, and I never will. I have killed 2 children, and it took me until! l now to realize what I have done. I am not a good person. Who was I to say bad things about your father only caring for himself when I just cowardly killed a baby? I am so nervous, and afraid. I think I may need to go to the hospital. I got up at about 4:30am and decided to drown myself by tying something very heavy around my neck on a short string, and laying down in the bathtub until I was dead. I don't know why I didn't do this. I feel angry with you for running away, and not giving me enough time to make a clear decision with you. I felt as though you would resent me if I kept the baby. I didn't think deep down inside you really loved me, and didn't really want to marry me. I felt as though when you came home and told me to keep it if I wanted, it was out of guilt for leaving me along with this for 2 days. I was to afraid to run out of the clinic, and keep the baby. I was to afraid of what would happen. I didn't know how I would face my family. That abortion clinic was h! orrible. It was dirty, and I believe the things in those pamphlets. I do not think the abortion was performed correctly. I think I will lhave complications from this. I need you as much now as I needed you when i found out. I feel very alone, and I am going crazy. if you love me at all you will help me deal with this. I am begging you. I am desperate. Please.
I do love you, but I really need you, please don't continue to torture me.
- Dear Chris,
Once I again I am trying to reach you. This first letter I wrote to you, you did not respond. I am hoping against all hope that you will stumble upon this page and read this letter. I will never have the courage to send you a letter any other way.
It has been 8 years since I last saw you. Can you believe that? Its been so long since you looked in my eyes or I touched your hair. I always loved running my fingers through your hair. I remember sharing so much with you. I told you everything right from the start. I told you where I came from and what kind of person I was. You loved me anyway. You tried to give me love when I really didn't know what love was. What happened Chris. Why did things change? I'm not angry, I have wonderful memories of you. My favorite one is when you came to visit me at Christmas. Wow, when you walked into the store my heart just jumped out of my chest. I put Jealous Guy on the CD player. I wanted you to know that I was sorry for cheating on you. I was so sorry I hurt you. You never deserved that.
Do you remember New Years Eve 1990? I made you a steak dinner. Remember how you couldn't get the cork off the wine bottle? Remember how close we were that night? We made love and it was beautiful. You asked me to marry you. Remember how we never said what we did not mean? You didn't have to ask me to marry you to get me into bed. You knew that right? I loved being in your arms. Remember when you had to leave to go back to Florida? Remember how I cried and begged you not to leave? I was so afraid I would never hold you in my arms again. I was right. I never held you again. I never looked in your eyes or smelled your sweet skin. You always kissed me like you loved me. Like we could become one only if we tried hard enough. I was lost when you left. It took me only a little while to suspect that I was going to have your child. Remember that I had been through that once before? Remember I told you what those boys had done to me when I was 15? I was so nervous. I didn't know what to think or what to do. I wanted to pretend that it was in my head. That I was making myself so nervous that it wasn't morning sickness. On one hand I wanted to have a piece of you to hold on to and love forever. To have your child growing inside of me was a wonderful experience. On the other hand. You said you wanted to marry me. You weren't expecting any strings. I didn't think you wanted a baby. I did think you wanted me. I was so confused and I needed you so bad. I just couldn't bring myself to come right out and tell you. I hinted though. In every letter, I hinted. I let things slip when I talked to you on the phone. I don't know if you really didn't know or if you were pretending not to know.
Remember I called you and told you I had a little operation. You acted so concerned. Reality was I had a toenail removed. The doctor didn't give me a local because I told him I might be pregnant. That was the last time I talked to you. It was the last time I heard your voice. I remember every word of the conversation. Was it my fault? Did I in some way lead you to believe that I had ended the pregnancy then? Please tell me, I can accept the blame. I can deal with that.
You gave me a CD. Every Mother's Nightmare....the song was Love Can Make You Blind. I still listen to that damn song. Where you just getting even with me for hurting you once? I'm so sorry that "I couldn't read between the lines". If I could change it baby, believe me I would. The day I found out, I was so scared. I took a shower and that necklace fell off my neck and hit the tub. It crashed to the ground in slow motion. You do know what necklace don't you. You have/had half of it. I still have me half. Although it is covered in candle wax, I still have it. Its my only physical memory of you. I gave Dan my pictures and I burned the letters. I even burned the rose. I couldn't keep them, they were killing me. I called you as soon as I found out the test was positive. Your uncle told me you were gone. You can not know how I felt in that instance! My world stopped existing and I changed. He told me you went to sow your wild oats. Gee, I thought I was your wild oats! I called your mother. Your mom!!! She hated me, she always hated me. I'm a mom know, maybe I will someday hate a young girl for loving my son too. I don't know. She was kind to me though. She told me to just let you go. Let you go??? How could I just let go, I had you inside of me! I was concerned that you didn't have any money and I told her I wanted to send you some. I was so stupid!! You didn't need my money, and you didn't need me. I called Brad. He said he didn't know where you were either. Nobody knew and I was soo worried about you. I was afraid that you needed me and I didn't know how to find you. I WAS AFRAID FOR YOU! You couldn't even give me the respect to just brake up with me? Why did I deserve that? Why did you have to hurt me so bad? You never went anywhere. Dan respected me enough to tell me that 2 years later! Kevin tried to tell me, but I wouldn't listen to him. I trusted you! I TRUSTED YOU! What could I do? I was so hurt. I was so angry that you could leave me like that. I was 17 years old, I was just a baby myself! I told you about the abortion in the first letter. I told you how I screamed your name. Even then, I needed you. I needed you to tell me I would be ok. That everything would be ok. You weren't there though. See, what you don't know is if you wanted to have an abortion, I would have. I would have done anything you wanted. I wanted your child, but I wanted you more! I just wanted you! That was 8 years ago and 3 months. That's a long time. You know what I regret? I didn't let you know. I should have at least had your promision or something. That was your baby too. I feel so much guilt because you weren't given a say in what I did. Why do I feel this way? Why do I do this to myself? I loved you, I really loved you, and you will always be in my heart. I can't get you out. I've tried so many times and you just won't leave! It was so easy for you to leave my life, why don't you leave my heart?
My life was a mess afterward. I started doing hard drugs again. I was doing acid almost daily. It was pretty cheap for how long it lasted :) I was doing coke and drinking like a fish. How unlike me, huh? It was different though. I wasn't getting high to hide the hurt. I was getting high to escape the pain. I was on the fast track going out. I didn't have any intention of living to be 25. I didn't speak your name for 2 years. Not because I hated you, but because it hurt so much. I wanted to die. I don't do drugs any more. To tell the truth, I resent Kevin that he won't let me have that out when I need it. I have two children now. I have a little girl who is four. I didn't want her when I was pregnant with her. I found out to late to do anything about it. I didn't love her when she was born. She is truly Kevin's daughter. I have grown to love her and I wouldn't ever not want her as my child. Its just that she is the reminder. See, I think our child would have been a girl. I used to dream of it and sometimes still do. You and I are walking on a beach and there is abeautiful little girl between us. She is holding your hand and holding mine. We pull her up when the waves crash around her feet. She has blond pig tails and is so perfect looking in every way. I hear her giggle. She is about 4 years old in the dream. She was never younger, and never older. Its the same dream each time. We were happy. The three of us together. Just a dream, I guess. I named her the day I found out I was pregnant. I was hoping you would like the choice. Her name was Christina Davia Michelle and she would have had you last name no matter what. Christina is for you, we would have called her Chrissy. Davia is for your middle name as well as my best friend's first name. Michelle is for me, after all she was the best part of both of us. I think you should know your daughters name after all these years. You can pray for her. You can plant a tree for her. You can acknowledge that she existed.
So, why after all this time am I writing you a letter? Because I need to. I need to try to let you go. I crave getting high right now. I want to stop this from resurfacing and driving me crazy. My marriage is fine and my children are wonderful. And right now, this very moment, I wish I were dead. I wish I had killed myself back then but I was never that strong. These days, I sit in hot baths and hold razors to my wrists. I cry and cry because I just can't do it. I can't even do that right. I just need answers. I don't care how you think. I don't care if you never cared for me at all. I just need to hear those things from you. I have to know why! Please, if you happen to stumble across this please don't blow me off. God, I think I'm crazy! I'm writing on this page because I know you won't ever read it. I'm just hoping. Chris, I remember you. Do you remember that damn song? It haunts me like the other.
I wish ever after could be like this...... For Always and Forever,
- To the man I love and the man I married:
I wish that we had communicated better to each other that we both wanted that child...even though.......we were so confused, scared and young. But we were not too young to be parents and we would have done fine.
Why couldn't it have been?
Why couldn't you hear me when I tried to tell you that I did NOT want to have the "term" -----? I know we had already decided to....have the term...but why couldn't we change our minds? Why do things always have to BE the decision that's first made? WHY can;'t minds be changed? Why do things have to be so rigid?
Today, we have three beautiful-which is not impt--wonderful wonderful children together that we both love more than life itself..and I feel so grateful and so blessed for that./
BUT nothing can ever replace our first son....little Shawn Matthew. Our firstborn son...or our second son...is a great pleasure...as are our wonderful daughters./
I love them all so much......
But I still wish for what could not be,..
- To Bryan:
Two and a half years ago, I met you and my life changed. From the moment I first laid eyes on you, I knew you were the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Everything happened so fast. After two days you told me you were falling in love with me, two days after that we slept together. It was like this wonderful rollercoaster that I never wanted to get off of. Five weeks into our relationship, I told you I was pregnant.
You never judged me or threatened to leave. You stood by me through it all. When I opted to get an abortion, you couldn't have been more wonderful. You waited in the lobby for me, drove me home, and stayed with me. I knew our love was real and we would be OK. What I didn't know was that I wouldn't be.
I've written so many letters to you trying to explain how the abortion has affected me. I even tried talking to you and letting you read all of my poems. You kept saying the same thing, "You shouldn't dwell in the past." It wasn't until I broke down and told you about the PASS that you finally realized I was still hurting. For two years I hid the pain of losing our child. I suffered alone and mourned the first child I'll never know. I grieved for our daughter in peace.
Even though you said you were sorry I was hurting and that you weren't there for me, you'll never truly understand.
Truthfully, I'm angry at you. Not because you didn't talk me out of an abortion, not because you got me pregnant, and not because you didn't try to help me through it more. I'm angry because you didn't mourn. I'm angry because our child meant nothing to you. That night I told you you'd never understand what's it like to have someone living inside you and suddenly not have them there, you told me you did understand. You told me I lived inside you. You told me you understood why I was in pain. But you never tried to comfort me, and you never showed your own pain. Chloe was not just my daughter, she was yours too! She was a part of US, made out of love. Every day I wake up and think of Chloe. I dream of her and can see what she would've looked like. She's still vivid in my mind. She always will be. So many times I have thought about not taking my pills and getting pregnant again. But I know what would happen. You wouldn't be able to handle it. We've still got so much living to do. But part of my living will never happen. When I lost Chloe, part of me died. I'll never be pregnant with my first child again. I'll never experience the "inner glow" for the first time. You found it easy to move on, I didn't. I love you more now than the day we met. Chloe's a big part of that. But at the same time, she's part of the reason I hate you. We have this bond that we'll never be able to see grow. Chloe is waiting for me in heaven, but until then, all I can do is dream of her. Why can't you understand that? Why can't you tell me it hurts you too? That's all I've ever wanted is for you to show some sign that you miss our daughter. We could've given her so much love, now I'll never know.
I know you've tried to help, but just listening to me vent isn't enough. It took me two years to tell you I was hurting. How long will it take for you to admit you are too? I just want to know you loved our baby. That you love what OUR love made.
I'll always love you. And I'll love the children we'll make in the future. But please don't ever forget to love Chloe too. Always, ...
- Dear Dave:
It has been eight months since that awful day when we found out I was pregnant. What happened to you? You went crazy that day and threw everything away: you got yourself fired, you ran away from me after attacking me and you gave up the home we were creating together. I don't understand what went on for you and you have refused to explain it to me. All I can see is a lot of fear and pain and a complete lack of love for yourself but I don't know why. I know you survived abuse and I know that you, like me, don't always feel worthy. I survived abuse too: I was only three months old the first time my father mouth raped me. But I didn't run away from you or from our baby. I stayed with it.
I stuck by you and when people were telling me how awful you were for abandoning me I said,"no". But even though your body came back for a few days while I had the abortion your heart never returned. Why? You blame me and attack me and call me names but you never explain what went on for you. I needed your support. I needed to know you cared about me and the baby, like you said you did, but your actions were so absent and neglectful. God, Dave, you took my truck on the day after the abortion and used up a tank of my gas when I had no money to buy more to drive Alison around and didn't even let me know you would be gone for hours: I was scared to death and sick and in pain and you just went off leaving me alone in the country with no transportation. That is not support. What if something had happened and I needed to get to the hospital? Where were you?
The thing that horrifies me most is that for all this I'm stupid enough to still love you and still want that love back that you did give me all the rest of the time. I treasured our time together: no one has ever made me feel so valued and trusted and warm. I love how you would hug me and stroke me when I was sad or frightened or just to let me know you loved me. I loved making love with you and lying in bed all morning. I loved going grocery shopping and having you there to help carry the bags to the truck. I loved going to Victoria with you and the time we went to Pender Island. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with you because I had never been happier. I would have loved to raise our son together but you ran away.
Just like that you ran away.
We had so many plans: we were looking for a house and I was going to school and you were starting up your business and it seemed like all my dreams were coming true but then you just ran away. You have lots of excuses to run away: I didn't listen, I slammed a door. But I had those same reasons to run and I didn't. Why did you say the same words as me and then act differently? Why was that commitment worth so much to me and so little to you? And why did it happen when I got pregnant? Why not when we faced all the other problems that came up for us? Why only when a baby was in the picture?
I know I will never get answers to these questions: if you were responsible enough to answer me now you would have been responsible enough to stay with me and answer me when I needed your support eight months ago. In another few weeks our baby would have been born. It was a boy. I had been expecting him for thirteen years and I would have named him Thomas Andrew (after the two men in my life who did stick by me: one is a truck).
The doctor told me that probably he was dead already when the abortion was performed but that doesn't make me feel any better: it feels like I survived two deaths instead of just one. You have told me that other men I have been friends with never would have supported me the way you did but no one else has run away on me like that: all my other friends are still here. After you ran away I really went crazy. I needed to phone the crisis line two or three times a day. I drank too much. I smoked too much. I stopped eating and started fainting. I got thin and haggard looking but my real friends stood by me. Being abandoned when I needed you most left me feeling utterly worthless and unlovable and I treated myself like that. I really needed you, the other parent, to stay and work through this with me. Nobody should have to go through this alone.
I worry about you going through your end of things alone and remember how you talked about being able to control your feelings. It looks to me like what you are able to do is deny your feelings and dissociate. That scares me because the next time this happens to you there will so much more suppressed emotion looking for an outlet. What will do then? You can only keep running for so long and if you don't find a safe way of expressing yourself I'm afraid that suppressed violence that burst forward the way it did the day you found out I was pregnant will come out even more strongly. I'm afraid you will hurt yourself next time or somebody you love. I'm sad that you will be caught up in hating yourself because you know somewhere deep inside that you have acted like a total jerk. You have acted dishonorably.
I'm in therapy now, when I can afford it, but it doesn't make the pain go away. I will always know that I was cheated. Our society that makes it so impossible for single mothers to live well and with respect cheated me. You running out on me and our relationship cheated me. My not ever being able to meet my child left me cheated. And I doubt I will ever be able to look at any man the same way again: I doubt I will ever trust so freely again, that leaves me feeling really cheated. I have lost my joy and my spirit. I don't even feel much like dying anymore it just all feels pointless.
I don't ever expect to hear from you again although I keep hoping but I know there will always be a horrid ache where once there was love and admiration and trust. The other day I read an article in a newspaper about convicts in a maximum security prison setting up a program to face the victims of their crimes and take responsibility for the consequences of their crimes and I cried and cried and cried. That is all I want: by abandoning me you committed a crime against me, you lied and cheated and behaved in a cowardly way and I need you to own that. There is nothing you can do to ever take those actions away and I doubt we can ever be friends now but maybe I could respect you again if you had the honesty to look at what you've done and accept the consequences as your responsibility. I don't hold my breath. If you were that honest and honorable you never would have run in the first place.
- "Dear Bill",
It's taken me three months to even begin writing a letter to you. Whether I send it or not still remains to be seen. I've been told that by writing you a letter, I may be able to begin to work through the hurt and anger that I feel, but I guess that also remains to be seen. The past four months, particularly since October 22, have been the worst of my life and whether you choose to accept any responsibility for that or not, you are the cause of much of it.
First, let me say that I am truly saddened by the loss of our friendship. You have been very special to me since we first became friends while you were dating Julie. My feelings toward you were completely platonic, I never once considered you in a sexual way until that night that we actually did have sex after you and she had broken up. Even then, my feelings did not cross the friendship line, as we both knew that we did not have "romantic" feelings toward each other to go along with our sexual relationship. However, regardless of how we felt about each other, we conceived a child together and at that point, everything changed.
I have done a lot of work on this, both on my own and with professional help. I am nowhere near healed and will never get over the loss of my child and the loss of my friendship with my child's father. This may all sound like bullshit to you, but as I said, I have done a lot of working, thinking, soul-searching, and healing on this. I can only assume that you have not, as your silence has indicated that you do not care about the abortion, your child, our friendship, or me. Many of the things I say will sound odd to you or may be things that you never thought of, but obviously I have and whether you agree or not is not important, because this is not about you, this is about me trying to deal with my feelings. You have given up your right to contradict anything I say, as you have been non-existent in my life since the day of the abortion.
I am unbelievably hurt and angry toward you for many reasons. So many reasons, that I know I will not be able to remember them all during this letter. I am angry most of all that you have deserted me when I needed you most. Apparently you think abortion is no big deal, because you never once called to check on me after the abortion. When I finally gave in and called you over four weeks later, I was crying and explained to you that I was upset and felt that I needed to talk to you to help me get through this. And what did I get from you in return? Silence and lies. What happened to "I won't let you down, Jen"? What happened to "I'll support you no matter what you do, Jen"?
I have found out in the hardest way possible, that abortion is a very big deal and it has burned a hole in my soul and changed me forever. I have been through a lot since October, including missing long periods of work, being put on high doses of very serious medications, physical illness caused by the stress, severe and overwhelming depression. It took over six weeks for me to stop crying hysterically every day. At one point, I was preparing for my own suicide, but friends, the police and my family intervened and I never got the chance to follow through with my plan. Perhaps the aftermath of this horrible decision would not have been so intense, had I been able to lean on you for support. At this point, the act was already done and there was no changing what had been done, but I needed you to be there for me. Just to talk to me, to stay with me, to hug me, to listen to me, to be my friend and you failed me in every way.
I am so disappointed in you and in myself for trusting you and believing that our friendship was special. I guess it was just the alcohol talking when you told me how much our friendship meant to you and that we would always be friends. I realize that you don't know how to deal with your feelings and that is why you drink and smoke so much. I know that in my head, but that doesn't make it right and that doesn't excuse you from your insensitive actions and that doesn't heal the hurt that you have caused me. You are thirty years old, Bill, maybe it's time you got your act together and started acting like a man. You could be a really great person if you wanted to be, but apparently you feel so little about yourself, that you allow yourself to live and act like you do. You are obviously not the person I thought you were and I am sick with the thought that I allowed you to participate in any way with my pregnancy decision.
I was so confused and looked to you for guidance and all I got was avoidance. When you finally did talk to me, I let you convince me that there was nothing good about having the baby. I am not trying to place all the blame for the abortion on you, as I realize that it is a decision that we both had a part in and that you did not force me into that clinic. I am just trying to express to you how I think that you failed me and failed our son. I named him Daniel William because I felt that it was a boy and that he deserved an identity even if we didn't allow him a chance at life.
I hope it is obvious that I regret the decision that we made to abort our son, because it will always be the biggest regret of my life. I was so scared and confused and terrified of having to face this alone. I just needed you to say that everything would be OK. I needed you to say that you would try. I didn't think that was too much to ask of you. We both knew that we weren't going to be a couple or a family and that I would have taken the majority of the responsibility, but if I thought that you would have at least attempted to help me, I would not have done what I did. I remember telling Janie "I know it will never work in the long run, but if he would just say he will try to help me, I'll keep the baby." I fantasized about living together in a three-bedroom apartment. You with your own room, I with my own room, and a room for the baby. No strings attached, you could do as you pleased with whomever you pleased, but at least I wouldn't have been alone. I never told you that fantasy, because I know you would have thought it was out of the question and would have rejected it, and I couldn't face any more rejection from you than I already got.
I don't understand how you could have said that you would not be able to love this child and would not be a part of its life and that you could never feel for another child the way you feel for Bronson. Then in the next breath, you tell me how much you love and miss Brooke, a child that is not even yours. Perhaps if I just would have gone ahead and had the baby, you would have realized that you could have loved it too, your own flesh and blood. A person is capable of loving more than one child at a time, Bill. You have proven that even applies to you with your statements about your feelings toward Brooke.
I think that you were ashamed for people to find out that we were having sex. To be honest, so was I, but not because I was ashamed of you, but I was ashamed that I was sleeping with a friend's ex-boyfriend, which is breaking an unspoken rule of friendship. I didn't want to hurt Julie and lose her friendship. I now realize, however, that if Julie was truly my friend, she would have understood and worked through this with me. Sometimes I wonder if she would have even cared, as much time has passed and she has moved on with her life. Now, I realize that even if I did lose her friendship, it would be OK, because I would understand why it had to be that way.
I don't know if you were ashamed for the same reasons though. I doubt it. I think you just didn't want everyone to know that you were having sex with me. As if you are too good for me, please. Or perhaps you thought it would ruin your chances of a reunion with Julie. Well, she has moved on and honestly, she would be stupid to take you back anyway, because you didn't treat her as well as she deserved to be treated.
Regardless of what our reasons were, we had an abortion and even if it did not affect you, it did affect me. If you were really my friend as you have always claimed to be, then you would not have acted like a coward. I needed you to support me before, during and after that awful procedure. But instead, you spent the whole night chatting on the Internet, pretending that nothing was wrong. And as I cried myself to sleep in bed alone that night, you slept on the couch. As I sat in the car sobbing before going into the clinic, you said nothing. While waiting inside the clinic, you said nothing. On the car ride home, you said nothing. That night, I once again cried myself to sleep alone in my bed while you slept on the couch. As I drove you home the next morning and attempted to have a conversation about it, all you could say was "this doesn't hurt me a bit" and "I'll pass on the counseling, but if you want to grab a beer sometime and talk about it". Is that the best you could do? You acted as if I had just had a tooth pulled. It wasn't a tooth that they took from me Bill, it was a baby! A life that we created. Our baby that had arms and legs and a heartbeat was removed from my body and you had nothing to say? You couldn't even sleep in my bed and hold me while I cried. Funny, you had no problem sleeping beside me when you wanted to fuck me.
I've been told that I really shouldn't have expected much from you, as ours was a sexual relationship with the understanding that we didn't care about each other and were not in a relationship. Then when I became pregnant, I began to have expectations of you, such as that you would care about me and the baby or that you would want to be a part of the baby's life. I've been told that it wasn't fair of me to have those expectations because of the nature of our relationship. I can understand that to a degree. We had an understanding that we didn't care about each other; I end up pregnant and expect you to change everything suddenly. I guess that's not fair. However, it wasn't fair to me either. It took two of us to get pregnant. And how many times did I ask you to wear a condom? That is not solely your fault either, because I should have refused to sleep with you unless you did.
Even though I realize all these things and some of them make some sense, that does not change the fact that you let me down as a friend and you let down your son as his father. Even though we did not have that kind of relationship or have any intentions of being together and certainly had no intentions of having a baby, we did get pregnant and that demands a certain amount of mutual respect and special consideration. You said that it "didn't feel right" and that " I should wait to have a baby with someone I loved". Well it didn't feel right and I didn't love you, but that didn't change the fact that I had your son growing inside me.
I am sorry and ashamed that I wasn't stronger. I am sorry and ashamed that I let you convince me that there was nothing good about having the baby. I felt, at the time, that it was "our" baby and that we should make the decision together. Now I realize that it was ultimately my baby and my decision and I should have considered the consequences more seriously than I did, because it is I and I alone who must deal with the choice that we made.
I know this letter has been very long and full of feelings and emotions that you may not be capable of dealing with, but you owe it to me to read it carefully and if nothing else, realize how your actions or lack of have affected me. My heart is broken. I grieve for my son and I grieve for my friendship with you. You were not my boyfriend, but you and I are bonded together forever through our son, even though he is not and never will be with us. I am sorry that things could not have been different. I will live with this decision for the rest of my life and experience painful reminders of it and of you every day. I remembered that we both loved the song "Adia" by Sara Mclachlen. If you ever get the chance, really listen to the words. A friend pointed out to me how the words tell the story of our experience and every time I hear it I think of you and I think of Daniel. He was real and he was our son and I miss him.
- "To Mark"
by Lady Eowyn
"Days come, days go. Life comes and goes. But the demons in my head never leave."
You know you asked me once when I told you why I thought I had lost everything. And I am sure at the time I was probably out of my head with pain when I said it, but the more I think on it, I did lose A LOT. No, probably not everything, but pretty damn near. I have had time to think about my losses and the true reasons for my unhappiness. Of course I always have time because I am pretty much alone, maybe not always physically, but mentally I am alone, like stranded on a desert island with no way off at all, no escape. But I am not entirely sure I even care anymore. I've cried and suffered so incredibly much. Every time I think a wound has closed, it is ripped back open, the pain so fresh, so awful. It all drives me to the brink of insanity (I don't know maybe I am already there-maybe the demons finally caught me this time-maybe they have won-or maybe I am just tired of fighting them)
If you do not think I have lost anything, please tell me exactly what you think I have gained, because I am having a hard time seeing any light in this tunnel, any victory to this battle. "I am afraid to live, but more afraid to die". I want to fight, I keep trying to battle, but in the end it all gets to be too much for one person to handle alone. And oh you damn well bet my outlook is negative.
You try to say you understand, that what I need is a more positive outlook......you don't know a damn thing about what I need at all. You don't know anything about me. Oh you have more insight into the way my mind works than pretty much anyone else, but even then you have only seen part of the story. All my smiles and jokes, hide a person who is deep down inside desperately unhappy and very lonely, who wants people to just understand and accept her for who she is.
I don't want to pretend to be something I am not. I spent the last about year or so trying to be someone I am not. I am not a drinker or a partier. That is simply not my nature.
There will be no more apologies or begging. I have kissed your ass way too much, tried to patch up this 'friendship' all too much, without sufficient reward for my efforts. I never saw you make any effort despite your grand declarations of friendship to me. I want you to see exactly what I have lost because of this and I think why truly I am so unhappy about everything:
My sense of identity:
I have always known where I stood on a number of issues. I have always had strong moral beliefs and for pretty much all of my life the courage and conviction to stick to them. It was always a part of me my entire life. I have had my beliefs ridiculed and mocked by people, but I always stuck by them. My thoughts were that it was better to be alone than to be false to myself in order to win friends. I would just be more unhappy that way.
I once made a promise to myself that I would never have sex with someone until I was in an established serious relationship with that person, that I would truly have to love someone and have them love me back. I am not sure when I lost that, but I am fairly sure that it goes back to a cold December's night, shortly before Christmas three years ago. And the rest was lost about one year ago on a night I won't ever forget, sadly, pathetically it was one of the best nights of my life. I am not ashamed to admit that. I enjoyed every bit of it despite my nervousness and fears.
But one of my other beliefs was in the value and sanctity of life. I am one of those people who cry when animals die in movies. I still bury and cry over my pets. I know death is simply another part of life, but I still grieve. Can you not see how hard it was for me to consent to the death of something I actually gave life to, not just something I cared for, but an actual living person that's life was made possible by me. The idea at times seems so truly incomprehensible, too unbelievable to grasp.
I just could never have imagined me doing this........what value does life really have for me if I let my own son suffer and die. How I am to feel 'positive' about that? How I am to just get over that? How I am to reconcile the fact that I had to be a very different person from what I believed myself to be to have even thought about doing something like that, much less actually do it.
My sense of worth: Yes, of course this all goes back to my self esteem. Would you truly like to know what things feel like to me. I don't give a shit if you think it's all stupid and shit.....but you know when you get beat down so many times, after a time you just decide it's easier to stay down. Oh I know, I'll never get anywhere thinking like that, and I know that, but sometimes it's hard to think anything but that. I haven't really at all known any real true happiness or love. I've gotten close enough to touch it, but every time I think that finally things are going to go my way, it all vanishes.
Right now I feel guilty and ashamed of myself. I get upset thinking about all of it, and then I'll get upset with myself for not thinking about it. I think how dare I just forget it just like that, what kind of cold unfeeling person am I? I feel like a stupid dumb whore for even getting myself into this situation in the first place. If I hadn't sat there, grabbing and fondling you like some worthless slut, none of this would ever have happened.
If I had some self-control......it just makes me so ashamed of my behavior. I look back and think what was my problem. I always try to rationalize it with thoughts like: "Sex is nothing to be ashamed of. Why should you be ashamed of having sex with someone you care about a lot and trust, that is your friend and that you are very attracted to". And you know what else. I feel as if I failed at one of my most basic human instincts. That I acted very much against Mother Nature and God.
My son: You know what I think I finally realized about all of this? I wanted to go through with it. I wanted to have my baby. But you know what? I was so scared and weak and confused when I found out I was pregnant, I could not think at all. I was just frantic and insane. I pretty much let you make the decision for me. I was able to hear all the rationality in this decision and pretty much spent all the time talking myself into it, saying that it was the best choice I had, that it made sense.
I keep trying to convince myself of that even know, but I don't think I ever really believed it. But I was too scared to think about anything, I didn't want to think. The more I thought the more upset I became. I was barely functional as it was. Do you have any idea of how much it stung me when pretty much the first thing out of your mouth was that you wanted me to get an abortion? Like all of this was some sort of 'inconvenience'.
Sometimes I wish you had read the note I stuck in my door for you to find that morning. I was wavering pretty huge on not going to the clinic, of finding some other solution. I did not want to go, but I was too tired to fight, too tired to think. I just stopped feeling. It wasn't the real me that went that day, it was someone else. I don't know where that 'me' is anymore. She died that day I think.
I wanted very much to see my son, to hold him, and care for him. I wanted to read to him at night, hear him call me 'mommy', teach him so much...... There was so much I wanted. I didn't need you to be a good mom. I could have done it myself, but I was selfish, putting someone else's interests above mine and well, my own child's. What kind of person does that make me? And well, this is not only my loss, but yours, too. This could have been a great chance and opportunity. You didn't have to love me, all you needed was to love your son. You could have taught him to play basketball when he got older, sat up teaching him the wonders of the PSX.
But all of it's gone forever. Nothing but a couple of tests and a yellow medical form to confirm that a child even existed. I can't even grieve properly. What am I supposed to grieve? I have nothing.
I am pretty much right to the point of giving up........you see because the one thing that enabled to even undertake an act like this was the promises you made me. And well as I have experienced over the last month, that leaves me with exactly nothing. I guess your way of handling things is to withdraw, regress into the stage of a petulant 12 year old, unable to handle things in an adult manner, preferring instead to play his little games, and not accept responsibility for anything. I have tried desperately to view things from your side.
I know listening to me cry and be upset, or just be plain bitter and spiteful, is not an easy thing for a person like you to listen to. But remember I no more asked for any of this than you did. I am bearing an enormous amount of guilt and unhappiness which was so overwhelming that I almost tried to take my own life one night. I have passed that stage, but I am still terribly unhappy. Even though it has now already been a whole month, everything still remains fresh in my mind. The demons are still dancing in my head. I am trying hard to accept and deal with everything, but it is all so much.
At least I am trying, you have just closed yourself off. Maybe that's why my emotions upset you and you turn your back on me? Because you don't want to deal with it or think about it. Someday you will have to though. And what have you really done to help me and be here for me. The help I need is a sympathetic ear. I know that I very much sound like a broken record, but those are the things I am having the most trouble dealing with. I want to be told that it is okay to feel this way. Be a broken record back and just keep telling me that I am strong, that I will make it through, that I will get better. Healing takes time. Sometimes I am going to have setbacks. This was a week of them.
In case you didn't know, Sunday the Right to Life folks had their annual protest. And you know that had to have an effect on me. Imagine driving past all of them, holding up signs that sum up your guilt and unhappiness. You know I just went home and cried that day and slept because I couldn't face the world. And the very next day, I had to go get that final follow-up exam. The whole thing was pretty much like going through the nightmare again. And once again I was treated like some moron who got into this because I am retarded and didn't know how to use birth control. I just let them give me that stupid shot so they would leave me alone and let me go home.
Right now I am tired, so very tired. I want to just sleep. I sometimes have this silly hope that when I wake up, I'll find that this was just some awful nightmare. For note and record. You have blown me of once too many times. It hurts a lot. A very lot. And don't feed me that BS of no time or too busy, because I know otherwise. No one is ever too busy to make time for a friend that needs them. No one. I have sacrificed a lot because of this and you have pretty much given up nothing. I'm sorry if this is rough on you, but remember I didn't get into this by myself. Babies don't spontaneously form in a woman's body. Okay, no more apologies and explanations. You know this already anyway. I will work with you, but if we are to remain on any sort of friend-like terms you had better sit down and do some serious thinking about stuff. You know what you need to do. I will leave this up to you, it's your choice. I have always thought that we did have a fairly good friendship, that you understand more about me than a lot of people, and I would rather not throw it all away. I would rather not have to look to others for help and support, but I need it and I have to get it from somewhere. I feel very much like my back is up against the wall. I need something.
Well, you have heard my statements and feelings on this matter. Think long and hard about all of this. Force yourself to look deep down. It will hurt. But you need to do it. Remember these days as you think, too: August 8, 1998. September 9, 1998 and May 5, 1999. I know I do. Just think long and hard about your actions over the past month or so. Try not to think of the words I speak, but the words I write. They are the purest and most collected of my thoughts. Think hard. Think on what is right and good. You know the answer. 4:38 a.m.