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Stories from Women who've had abortions

Please remember as stated on the first page that these are the stories of many individual women, and are their personal views and feelings. Some have many different views, and different ideas about their experience. You may not agree with what they are feeling, or what they say. That's okay! The idea here is just to give women a chance to be heard about how they feel. If you've had an abortion, and need to talk about it right away, you can check out the I need to talk now! section
If you are interested in submitting your story, here's the link to Tell Your Story

Story Index

| Stories Page 1 | Stories Page 2 | Stories Page 3 | Stories Page 4 | Stories Page 5 | Stories Page 6 | Stories Page 7 | Stories Page 8 | Stories Page 9 | Stories Page 10 | Stories Page 11 | Stories Page 12 |

  • Well, I do not even now where to begin. I am not much of a writer but I guess sharing this story with others will help with the healing process. I had my "procedure" on May 15, 1999. My baby's father was a man I had been dating since 1994. We had gone through a break up and recently gotten back together to try and work things out. I, like some of the stories I read felt, that he was "the one" for me. I really loved him and actually after all this pain still do. We had been dating on and off for about three months and he was going through some difficult times and of course I was trying to "be there for him". Well, on the night of conception, he came over and we had a long heart to heart conversation which ended in him asking me to marry him and saying that he wanted to leave town and just start over. Well, being the realist or maybe even skeptic that I am , I had to interject reality into the scene. I told him I did not fell like that would solve his problem but make new ones. I told him that if what we had was true love (which I thought it was but found out it was not) we could wait on marriage and just work on solving our problems. Well, of course you might have guessed that was the night of conception. When I found out I was a little anxious and did not know how to react. I was 28 and already had an 8 year old child that I was raising alone. I figure he would say something encouraging something positive to me because he had just said he wanted to marry me. I did not want to be a single paren't again. At the time I called to tell him the news he had recently had surrey and was just medicated heavily and just plain hard to talk to. When I told him , he asked me what I wanted to do and I told him I did not know. Well, after that day it seemed as if he was avoiding me and I just was so stressed. He would not tell me what he was feeling, what he wanted to do or anything. So I just took his silence as him showing me he did not want this. So I made the arrangements, got us a hotel to stay in overnight, got the prices and everything. So the next time I talked with him I told him of my plans and asked if he was going to go with me. Well, to wrap it up he dragged his feet but finally agreed. He even paid the full price. The day I went, it was as if I knew I should not have done it. I set the alarm for the wrong time, we got lost on the way to the clinic, and had to wait 6 hours before the procedure started. I had plenty of time to just walk away but he never once said lets not do this. I even asked him if we could leave and he said "why so we will have to come back when you change your mind?" Well, needless to say I went through with it and just felt so empty afterwards. I could not believe that I could so carelessly make a decision based on the fact that a man did not love me. I must have just been in a daze for the entire time because I do not really remember alot of what happened. I remember being really nervous, having to run back and forth to the bathroom and just crying the whole way home. Of course he said he did not want me to do it after the fact. Which was too late to make a difference. From listen to others who had done this before, I was not prepared for the pain I felt during the procedure. Everyone I talked with in the past stated it did not hurt and it was not so bad. Well, some body had been lying to me! It was horrible. It was not deathly painful but close enough. Not only was the physical pain bad, but the emotional pain from the procedure and the realization that the one I gave my heart to could just walk out on me at a time that I needed him the most was beginning to be unbearable. They say everything happens for a reason and we may or may not ever know why. At least I did discover what type of person I was dealing with. HE is definitely out of the picture but I just regret that I had to find out at the expense of an innocent one who never had a chance. If nothingg more this experience has taught me to value mother's, especially my own. I just think how easy it was to make this decision and realize that by God's grace my own mother did not decide to do the same. Right now I feel as if my life is at a stand still while of course he has gone on with his. Well, I guess now that it has been done, the only other tragedy would be if I did not learn from this experience and share it with someone who may be looking for an answer. I have since joined a wonderful church and seeking healing through my Savior Jesus Christ. It has been a long road and the hardest part has been forgiving my self for giving in to pressure of the world. I was most worried about what my family would think if I got my self in this predicament again, or what would my co workers think of me being an unwed mother again. I now know that none of that matters and I should have just listened to my heart and not worried about how I was going to make it. I still cry about what I have done but I am learning to forgive myself and purge my mind of things that hinder me from spiritual growth. Thanks for reading my story and giving me a place to find additional healing and know that I am not alone!!!!!!!!!

  • I can still remember taking the first pregnancy test. It was shortly after Christmas, and my fianc�e and I had just returned from a weekend at his family's town, when I was hoping I was going to start my period. Except, something in me told me I wasn't going to... That all my times of playing with fire left me singed. We had said we were going to get me on birth control, but I kept thinking in my mind that if something did happen, that I could handle it. I would have a baby. I was ready to be a mother, and Ken and I would love it so very much. He would make the perfect father. It was my faith in these things that never even led me to question whether or not I wanted an abortion. When I saw 2 pink lines, after having taken so many pregnancy tests that came out negative in the past, I was on the verge of fainting. All I could say was "Oh my god, oh my god." I was crying and laughing at the same time. I had been feeling so tired lately, and had the worst heartburn in the world, but I thought it was the stress of the new job I had just started. But I knew better... For the weeks following, I did what any expectant mother did. I started reading up on the proper nutrition, buying books, going to websites for pregnant women. I felt like maybe this would go so well... Although I couldn't feel the actual presence of my child, I could see its future... But then reality started to sink in. About four months prior, I had left my home on very bad terms and came 3000 miles across the country to live with my fianc�e. It's left my family in shambles, and we are even now still trying to pick up the pieces. Ken and I were in a financial struggle as well, and I had no insurance. We were thinking of getting married at the justice of the peace, which was the exact opposite of how I imagined marrying my soulmate. But amid all of that, I tried to stay positive. I thought that we would get through this no matter what. We were looking at baby things, thinking of getting a bigger apartment, picking out names. At night I would lay there and pet my belly... imagining this tiny heartbeat inside of me, and how it was going to grow. But no matter how much I tried to tell myself everything was going to be alright, I was terrified... I'd never been so scared of anything in my life. Here I am, 20 years old, in the worst state I'd ever been in with my family, my education, and everything else. I was already in pieces, and I was hoping that maybe a baby could put me back together. But then I got sick. The morning sickness was so bad, I couldn't get out of bed. It hit me day and night... I was so debilitated that I had to quit my job. I'd been hospitalized, and they gave me drugs for the sickness that helped me little, but never made me feel better in my mind. I started to feel trapped... angry. I wanted my life back.. my body back. I would lay there in Ken's arms crying so hard that I wanted a second chance. That he and I deserved a better chance to do this right. And when he mentioned whether or not I wanted to keep the baby, I cried even harder. At first I said no... I couldn't ever do something like that. I was always pro choice, but never thought I would have to make that choice. I thought that was what I was supposed to do... take responsibility for my actions. I thought abortion was taking the easy way out... Boy did I learn different. But days and days of thinking about it only led to one thing... I just wasn't ready for a baby. I was so sick, so emotionally distraught, that if I continued any further, I wasn't sure where I would be. Even with the pills to help my stomach, I was sleeping all day long. This was something I just wasn't prepared to face. I had a doped up notion in my mind that this was going to be simple, but god was I wrong. I just kept sobbing in my mind that I wanted it to be over, I wanted this out of me. I decided to have an abortion. I was totally okay with this at first. I made the appointment like I had made any doctor appointment. Part of me was even looking forward to it because I felt like I was dying. I kept telling myself that I was just going to the gynecologist, and it would be over and I could go home and think about how I can prevent this from happening again. The procedure went well, I guess... I spoke with the counselor, and she said I seemed committed and determined, and at that time I was. I just felt so cold. When they did the procedure, I was so outside of myself. I heard the machine, but I didn't associate it with anything having to do with a baby... I just held the nurse's hand and tried to be tough, because in my mind I felt I didn't deserve any special treatment. That although I didn't feel the emotional sadness, I knew I was doing something so wrong. but my conscience can be like steel sometimes. My fianc�e came in the room after they were done and held my hand. He looked so worried and sad that I could barely look at him. I felt good enough to go, so I got dressed and checked out. On the way home, the pain set it... it was the worst cramping and pain I'd ever felt in my life. I was writhing and bawling for hours and couldn't find the right position to lay in it was so terrible. I wanted to sleep but couldn't... A couple days later, it was still so bad that I had to go back because I wasn't passing any of the blood clots I was supposed to. So they had to suction me again... and I think that's when I started to feel a little tinge of something. But I felt 100 percent better physically. I had a few cramps, but I was starting to feel better. Then finally, Ken and I went to a friend's birthday party... a very pregnant friend, in her Last trimester. she looked so vibrant and happy, I was jealous. I knew everyone there knew about what I had done, and I was thinking they probably thought I was a wretch... a killer... And when we all went and looked at their nursery for the baby, I noticed how they had it painted and decorated exactly how I wanted to have it for my own child. I saw the little crib and changing table... the little mobile with clouds and stars hanging over it... That night at home, I just crumbled. I felt like the wall I had built around myself just dissolved and everything poured out. I couldn't believe what I had done... I imagined a little baby of our own over and over again... I couldn't look at babies... I was surfing the web for pictures of aborted babies, trying to get a sense of what I had really done. I wanted to die... I wanted to go back... I wanted to put the baby back in my stomach. I was reaching out to it, apologizing to my child... Ken could only hold me and soothe me as best as he could, but I know he felt just as helpless as anyone could. After the abortion, they gave me a depo provera shot... And after the realization hit me, I wished I hadn't gotten it. I wanted the baby again... As terrible as I felt during the pregnancy, I would have taken it over the pain I was feeling now. I thought I should have tried harder... that I wasn't strong enough, and I hated myself for it. I never realized that I was really pregnant until it was gone... I never appreciated it the way I should have... As much as I know I really wasn't ready for it, I would have given anything to have that second chance to make it work. I know I could have... Every night I dream of a baby, a beautiful blue eyed curly haired boy in my arms.. He's my little angel, and he always will be. He was my first baby, and always will be. This is my secret.. Ken's and mine own. I haven't found the courage to tell my own family.. they didn't even know I was pregnant... But it's gotten easier... time has made it easier.. but that picture will never fade. Of me holding and rocking to sleep that beautiful child that I gave up... I'm not spiritual enough to know if he had a soul and if he lives elsewhere, but I just hope that whatever pain he might have felt didn't Last... I know now that given the choice, I will never go down that road again.. Children are such a blessing, and I can only hope that I am good enough to be blessed like that again...

  • I am English. I was 20 and I came back from London to live in a town near my paren'ts to decide what the hell to do with my life. They wouldn't let me stay with them. My dad was determined that I would not spend the night in the house. So, I got my own apartment that I couldn't afford. I think I wanted some kind of memory of the way I was when I was a child by being where I grew up. Everything had gone wrong. I had failed in college, I had had various jobs around the country. I got a job in a local hotel. I didn't have many old friends around, and I hardly went out. The hours were so consuming. There was a man who came in every day. He was horrible. He was fat and leary and sweaty and an alcoholic rich man type. There was something about him. One night he invited me and another girl who I worked with back to his house. I know it is stupid, but it seemed so harmless. We went there, and he poured us drinks. I remember the ice crushing machine. I remember losing control. I remember little fLashbacks of his force and of his hideous house. The other girl collapsing. Another man being there and kissing me. I didn't have the power to understand. The next day, my hair was still braided, but much messier. He told me what he had done to me, and that he had photos. I wasn't sure if I had instigated it or not. I went back the following night to try and get the pictures. He did it again. I told myself for months that I had had a fling with him. I even told a couple of other people as if it was cool. He was twice my age.It wasn't cool. He drugged me. I quit my job and spent the next 3 months in my apartment alone. I was too sick to go out. I borrowed money to pay my rent. A woman kept calling to get it back, threatening to beat me up if I didn't. I came out in a rash all over my body, and I went to hospital because I was burning all over. They did a test, and I was, as I knew, pregnant. I was going to sleep through my 21st birthday, because I couldn't handle it. I wasn't where you are supposed to be at 21. My paren'ts came around with a card. In it was a list of reasons why I owe them momey and how disappointed they were in me. They knew nothingg. They called me lazy. They didn't think to ask why I was bed ridden. Some nights I tried to call them by walk-ing to a public phone. I asked if I could visit. My Dad simply said: "Don't call again" I had no one to talk to, not even a telephone to try and call someone on. Those days mingled into one. In England you have the NHS. This is good because I could get an abortion without paying, but I had to wait for weeks and weeks. I asked for one at 4 weeks and got one at 14 weeks. Two days before the abortion, I went and got a job, I was feeling less sick, and desperately needed the money. I was starving. I had worked one morning, and who should walk into the office where I was a sales rep, than the man who raped me.The father of my doomed baby. He tried to flirt with me. Soon after the operation the pain started. I gradually began to realize what had happened. I have only just accepted that the rape happened. I never see the other girl who was there. I hope she is OK. I am sad for my baby, as many mothers are. I have met a really nice guy now. He treats me fantastically. He understands what it is to be very alone. He also sympathizes when I cry at night, and holds me when I want him to. I am having trouble still, but I believe in people and in love. I believe that our babies love us. I believe that our love for our babies is not to be knocked by anyone else. I would like to send good wishes to everyone who feels this sadness, and send motivation to keep living life in hope.

  • I was a senior in high school when I found out I was pregnant. I was to graduate in the summer of 1997. I had not been intimate for more than 6 months. The guy I was dating was 2 years older than I and a friend of a guy that I worked with. I had just gotten out of a rotten relationship when we first met. I had a feeling that he was a bad boy and that to me seemed appealing. We dated for 7 months and were intimate for 4 when I found out. We had broken up 2 days before my test results came back. I didn't want him to be a part of my life anymore. He lied and cheated for most of our relationship and in some ways I blamed myself. That was the wrong thing to do. I received the results and wanted to figure out how to tell my paren'ts. So I decided not to tell him until my paren'ts new. My so called friend told him that night and he freaked. He didn't want mommy and daddy to find out that he wasn't the perfect angel they believed he was. Every night for two weeks we talked and he wanted me to take him back. I did. When I told him I wanted the baby he went crazy and threatened to tell his paren'ts and mine what was going on. He scared me so much because I new what he was capable of. He was an alcoholic and drug user and became crazy when his temper flared. I asked about adoption and he said no one else would raise his kid, yet he wasn't man enough to take care of his own business. I was ready to make it on my own, but his threats put me into a situation that seemed unavoidable at the time. I wish I would have been stronger for myself and my child. I finally gave into his want and decided to abort. I remember driving to the clinic and wondering how I could do this. I went through the paperwork and testing and then they called my name to go to the room. I laid on the table as the doctor readied himself for the procedure. I did not know what was in store for me, but nothingg could have prepared me for it! I remember the doctor doing an ultrasound to see what things looked like and trying to figure out how far along I was. I believe if I had seen the screen I would have never gone through with it. I then felt the needle sticking me as I looked at the nurse with tears in my eyes. She smiled at me and then the noise and hurting began. I remember looking at the hose with my baby going through it thinking how could I do this? All in all it was a good choice, but for whom? Him? He left me again as soon as the results came back from the lab saying that everything had been gotten. I think about that child everyday of my life and wonder.....what or who it could have been. I'll never know.

  • Ive always been one of those people that had everything going for them, I thought that I knew how my life would be, how my future was going to turn out, and I never put a pregnancy into the equation. It It was my freshman year of college, I was in a new city with new people, I was allowed to create a whole new image of myself, a whole new reality. Everything was fine at first, I dated a ton of guys, but there was this one guy who was incredibly persistent, and after a while, I gave in. He was rich, his mother was much nicer to me than my own mother, he bought me a 1600 dollar ring as a Christmas gift and we had only been dating for a few months. I thought that he loved me, I truly did. As I look back on everything what amuses me the most is that I had no idea what love was at the time, I had a bit of a clue about lust and convenience, but not any knowledge of love. We fought all the time, we were an interracial couple, he wouldn't tell his dad about me because his dad was rich and would cut him out of the inheritance, along with his grandfather...but of course he swore he wanted to marry me. Hey, I didn't know if I wanted to marry him or not, but if he wanted to marry me, I figured that was reason enough to trust him. Unprotected sex was a common occurrence, for no better reason than the fact that we didn't like condoms, dumb children playing with fire begging to get burned...figured it was ok because I was pro-choice, and if it ever happened that he didn't pull out in time, I could always just get an abortion, right?? One morning I woke up and it was like a light just went off in my head...he looked so different to me, everything felt odd. I told him out of the blue that if I were to get pregnant I wouldn't want to have an abortion. Now as I look back, it must have been the morning after conception, because that night was the Last time I had sex before I found out that I was pregnant. His reaction was typical, of course he would have never had sex with me in the first place if he would have known that, and what about being pro-choice. Well, I decided that he just wasn't the guy for me then, and thanked my lucky stars that I found out in time before anything terrible happened, like me getting pregnant...little did I know. So of course, he came crawling back a week later, with flowers and promises that he overreacted because he was shocked, but if I got pregnant, of course he would support me in whatever I wanted to do, and he would marry me, it was always in the would just happen a bit earlier. These things were so easy for him to say because of course they were hypothetical, but I listened and listened well, and I began to slowly believe that he could be telling the truth. I began to date around, and my ex became furious...we had a huge fight, and I felt sick afterwards...and for the next 2 weeks. It began affecting my ability to go to school, I couldn't eat without throwing up, I thought I had the longest flu known to man...wait, I was HOPING that I had the longest flu...knowing that I was pregnant. I remember the agony of looking at that pregnancy test like it was was like my whole world came crashing down on me in a matter of seconds. I called my groveling ex, the one that would respect any decision, and he was good for a minute...he pretended to go through all of the options, but as soon as we got the abortion prices, that was it. He began to spread rumors about me all over school, that I was a slut, that I slept with a million guys, that he wanted me to keep the baby and I wanted to abort it. I scheduled the abortion once and didn't go. He was furious, he came to my room every night until I had it and threatened me with ridiculous threats, he would never claim it, he would never pay a cent for it, millions of stupid things that I was too emotional to call bull on. I was a wreck, I felt like I was so alone, I couldn't tell anyone about it, and I felt like the whole world knew that I was pregnant. My best friend was incredible pro-life, so needless to say, I found no comfort there, my other friends I either didn't tell or just didn't care enough about me to be there when I needed them. During the abortion, I went into hypertension and had to be watched for the rest of the day. The father said that he had to go to a rugby game...he came anyways. All that I wanted to do was have him touch my face like he used to, and tell me everything was going to be alright, even if it wasn't. He looked at me with the emptiest eyes, wouldn't touch me like I had the plague, he had already begun to date again, he had cheated on my during out brief relationship anyways (I would find out later), and I was simply a burden. I laughed at him, I was so drugged up...I explained to him that when I was on that cold table that all that I could think about was the fact that when I got home, he would be there to comfort me. I was laughing out of frustration, out of anger, out of despair, I laughed because I could no longer cry, I laughed because I felt outside of myself, I felt I had lost any sense of identity I may have had. I felt lost. I felt betrayed, and I felt that love was impossible to imagine. I feel differently now, but that is the short version of that story of my abortion, the single event that changed the course of my life.

  • Hi, I'm a 24year-old, single mother of an 8-year old daughter, she was the product of my first pregnancy. I've had 4 abortions since then. The pregnancies were all by the same man, we were together on and off for 6 years. We are no longer in contact with each other but I will always love him and will never forget him as he has suffered himself. I know it must sound terrible when I say I've had 4 abortions, but we were not being responsible all the time, I wasn't taking oral birth control like I should have, and I did not want to face the life-long commitment of another child to raise and worry about. The abortions were awful. The only abortion that I had where I did not experience any pain was the second one, I was totally out with IV sedatives. I think in comparison to the first one in which I had no sedation, it was pain/memory free. The third one was like a nightmare. I expected it to be like the second one, I was given IV meds, fell under slightly but continued to feel every inch of needles, dilation, and suction. I screamed the whole time, but could not move I was so sedated. The fourth one was exactly like the third, and I could have killed myself for getting pregnant again!!!! After all I've been through, my boyfriend couldn't even stick around, I think he was so disgusted with me. But now I know he was suffering as much as I was. Now I envy every breast feeding pregnant women I know .

  • I'm hoping in writing this I will accomplish a healing of the soul, and mind. I'm 24 years old, and single. I've always considered myself responsible and in control. I have an education and a great job, so financially providing for a child was not an issue of concern to me. However, I wanted my child to be conceived in love, not from a relationship consisting of infatuation and lust. As I look back at the past couple months, I wonder how the hell I got myself into this situation in the first place. I was always so responsible, but somehow I knew right away I was pregnant. It was a gut feeling that wouldn't go away. The day I was suppose to start I went to the drug store and bought a pregnancy test. It was positive. I thought maybe there was some kind of mistake, so that night I went to the emergency room and had a blood test. I was pregnant, there was no mistake about it. I didn't know what to do. I had been casually seeing this guy for a couple months. He was wonderful, definitely a charmer, but he had a long time girlfriend. He fed me all the lines. He wanted to leave her but didn't want to hurt her - she was a security he needed right now. For some reason I believed him. At first I didn't think I could have an abortion. I had never been pro-life or pro-choice, but I thought an abortion was something I couldn't personally do. Of course, he wanted me to abort, and after considering the circumstances, I decided an abortion was the best alternative for everyone involved. It's only been two weeks since I had the abortion, and there are times when I become depressed. It's hard for me to see a mother with a baby. There's a part of me that second guesses the decision I made. Maybe I will always do that, but what I have to remember is given the situation and the circumstances I made the best decision I could have. I know one day, when the timing is right I will be a wonderful mother. I will have a baby that I love more than life itself, and that baby will have a loving father, and that baby will be conceived in love, not lust. Having an abortion does not make you a cruel unloving person. Having an abortion does not mean you lack maternal instincts. An abortion is a learning experience. Life is learning from mistakes made along the way and never making those mistakes again. I can assure everyone that this has been the hardest lesson of my life, and I intend to make sure I am never in this type of a situation again. The Last piece of advice I can offer is that forgiveness comes from within. Forgive yourself for mistakes you make along the way. I love the life I carried inside of me for that short amount of time, and I always will, but I made the best decision I could have given the situation I was in.

  • Im 17 and my "abortion experience" was not bad at all,i was in no pain and i was asleep,the Last thing i remember from the actual procedure room is asking the nurse if i was suppose to be so dizzy, about a second later i was out,the nurse's and staff were very supportive and caring they did not rush me out at all and didn't make me feel uncomfortable either,when i first went i found out *thinking i was only about 7 weeks along,that i was actually 14 weeks,i almost changed my mind but i knew in my heart i was doing the right thing for myself and alot of people in my life so i went through with it since i was 14 weeks it was a 2 day procedure,the first part of it with the laminara or something like that was pretty painful,but the next day when i came back for the actual procedure it was not painful. emotionally this has been the toughest thing in my life,i have had many rough times but this was the toughest for sure,i think i could have had more counseling before hand but this site has helped alot and also a friend i have met online,anyhow that is my experience.thank you for allowing me to share

  • I am 24 yrs old and married to a wonderful man. We have a 2 1/2 yr old son. Things were going great until January of this year. We found out that we were going to have another baby in October of Last year. We were so excited! When we went for our 15 week check up they though they heard two heart beats and sent me for an ultrasound. When we went for our ultrasound they didn't say much. Later that week the Dr. called to say they needed a second stage ultrasound to get a better look at the baby because it's had looked large. We went for that ultrasound and they said the baby had hydrachepalus(water on the brain). We were sent to a neurosurgeon who said the baby's had was very large and would need to be delivered before 32 weeks so it wouldn't have brain damage and then they would have to but a shunt in immediately after delivery. She would have to have it forever and there are a lot of problems with shunts in kids. When we had finally accepted that my AFP blood test came back abnormal. We decided to do an amnio. They took extra fluid to get a preliminary result because I was already 18 1/2 weeks. They amnio preliminary growth came back in 5 days saying that they didn't even need to let it grow for the full 14 days. It was for certain that she had down syndrome. We decided to terminate because our little girl had too much going against her and I wouldn't be able to she her go through all that. They weren't even sure if she could survive. It's not common to have those two birth defects together. One of them is enough. We terminated the pregnancy on February 19th, 2000. I was 20 weeks and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I know it was best for her but it still hurts. I miss her every day and I know she is my little angel!

  • My abortion was on April 1, 1996. I was pregnant with twins. Even now I can't talk about it, and seeing babies in the street makes me so sad. If a program comes on television about babies, I leave the room because it hurts so much. When I got pregnant, I had recovered from breast cancer 6 months earlier, and the relationship I was in was so unstable that the doctors said my cancer would come back and I would die if I continued the pregnancy and married the father of my babies. I feel a lot of guilt, because I feel that I was so unhappy about the relationship with my babys' father that I didn't consider my babies enough. In the year preceding my pregnancy, the man (who lived in Finland, and I in the UK) told me often that if we got married he might leave me and stop loving me, that he'd find someone else if 'I wasn't enough' for him. He was separated from his wife, but didn't tell anyone about me. He didn't come over to me when I had cancer. So I didn't feel happy or secure with him before becoming pregnant. When I became pregnant, he didn't come over, and I felt very alone, unhappy, angry, confused. I wanted to have my babies very much. He said he would marry me when they were one, but at the beginning of a pregnancy it seemed so far away, and the doctors felt that I would die if I married him. After the abortion I felt suicidal for a long time. The babys' father didn't come and didn't want me to go to him. Several months later I slept with three men on purpose to get pregnant again, but it didn't happen. I hate seeing pregnant women in the street and in magazines, because I feel so envious of them. It still hurts as much as it did 4 years ago. I feel that I became a different person because of the abortion. I don't feel the same as I was on a deep level. The abortion was a million times worse than the cancer. The pain never goes away.

  • I was twenty years old when I had my abortion. I can remember the day so perfect. When I first found out I was pregnant I went into shock! I had no clue what was going on and I kept this is not happening to me...I am not pregnant. It all felt like a dream. I got pregnant from my boyfriend. We had been together for one year. when I told him he did not believe me and it took me taking a test in front of him for him to believe it. Deciding to have an abortion was big for me cause I was totally against it. I knew that my boyfriend would not be there for me and that my paren'ts had so many dreams for me. I was so afraid of letting people down and I just wanted to do what would be good for my baby. You can't explain it to anyone else unless they have been through the same thing you have. It is hard. My boyfriend never helped me pay for it and the only people there for me were my friends. I never really cried about it and I feel terrible, but I don't think I have dealt with it yet. There are times I regret it, but there are times that I feel it is for the best. I know it is a big healing process and I will never forget it.


  • I found out I was pregnant December 28, 1998. I had just turned 18 and my boyfriend was 19. My boyfriend and I were happy and we wanted the baby. I even went to the health department to get help with prenatal care. Then we got to thinking about the reality of taking care of a baby. We were not mature enough or financially capable of raising a baby. So eventually we decided to have an abortion. I have always told myself I would never have an abortion but in the reality, things look alot different. I was in denial about being pregnant so talking about abortion didn't seem real. I called and made the appointment for March 24 and 25, 1999. I was 18-19 weeks along so they had to make it a 2 day procedure. The first day they gave me an ultrasound to make sure it wasn't too late. At that point I wished it was too late. I saw my baby move and he was soooo big. I wished it was too big and they couldn't do it then I could go home and live my life like nothingg ever happened. Instead they gave me a stack of papers to fill out. My heart sank. I was crying the whole time. They took blood and a urine sample. Finally they took me to a room and told me to get undressed and sit in a chair. A doctor came in and cut my cervix and put in this stuff (Laminaria) that would make me dilate. Then he gave me a shot in my stomach. They told me it would probably kill the baby and it would reduce my bleeding afterwards. They took me to a recovery room and gave me an antibiotic pill and a pain pill to take at midnight. When I went out to the waiting room, I burst into tears. My boyfriend had to catch me from falling. I felt so ashamed. We got home and i went to change and went to bed. My boyfriend and I cried. He kept saying he was sorry for ever getting me in this situation. He tried to fix me something to eat so I could take the pills. But it made me sick. Ended up I didn't have any pills in me at all. It was after midnight and couldn't eat or drink anything else. The next morning I woke up and I was cramping very bad. I called the clinic and they said to wait till time for my appointment. I was having contractions. They would come and go. I had to wait 4 hours before time to go back. I tried to sleep on the way up, but the pain was too intense. We got there and my boyfriend and my best friend kept telling them something was wrong with me. There were so many people in the waiting room staring at me. They were nicely dressed and acting like they had done this many times. They finally took me in after waiting almost 2 hours. I told them about the pains. They put an IV in me. I was told the fluid going into me would help the pain but in return create more pain. It would help to shrink my uterus. All of the sudden my water broke. I soaked thru the chair. My clothes and things were a mess. I started freaking out. I yelled, something happened, something happened. They stood around me looking at me like that is so gross, that poor girl. It took 5 women to help me up to go to another room. I was afraid to push or strain. I cried out loud. I screamed at them to put me to sleep, put me to sleep. The fluid BURNT my skin as it went in thru my IV. It caused my vein in my right hand to be sore, solidify, then eventually disappear. I was so happy to wake up in the recovery room. The first thing I remember was I did not have anymore pain. I was soaked and blood spotted my pants. I was miserable. Now I feel I have to punish myself by searching the internet for every picture and story I can find. I want people to read my story and take it into consideration before they have an abortion. It's not all glitter. Things CAN go wrong and scar you for the rest of your life. I regret ever thinking about it. My baby suffered for my mistake. Mommy Loves You Jesse. My life will never be the same. I WILL see you someday!!

  • I just had my abortion on May 11, 2000. I hasn't been long at all. I have never cried so much. My best friend was supposed to take me to the clinic to have my abortion. She called me the night before and told me she couldn't go. No excuse, no nothingg. Although i was terribly disappointed, i went alone. I lay down on the examination chair and the doctor numbed my cervix. I felt a very tingly, numbness come over my lips...and my face felt very strange. I felt some pressure and then all of a sudden the cramping started. Within seconds i felt myself gasping for air. I couldn't breathe. The nurse said, "Breathe Pattie, breathe through your nose." I began to breathe very heavily, and i moaned in pain for the next few minutes. The pain was unimaginable! Just when the pain was becoming unbearable, i said outloud "Oh God!" The machine suddenly stopped. It was over. I just lay there, staring at the ceiling, sobbing uncontrollably. Since this day i have not been the same. I cry alot. I look at myself in the mirror with an empty stare. But, i am on the road to recovery. I have spoken to some ladies on this site who have helped me realize that i will get through this. Recovery is not far.

  • I had an abortion when I was 22. The guy I was pregnant from had been my lover for 4 years. His ex-girl at the time was also pregnant at about 5 or 6 months. When I first told him I was pregnant he did not really have a problem with it. He said he respected my decision to keep the baby. But then I think he became very stressed out with the fact that his ex was pregnant, and now me. He then told me that he couldn't handle having two kids at that time and that I needed to have an abortion. I did alot of thinking after that about how my life would be, how much it would change if I were to have a baby. I had just started a new job and bought a car. I was barely starting out. My friends at the time were telling me that I was never going to make it with baby. I decided that I would have an abortion because there was no way I would be able to give a child the kind of life he or she deserved. I had my abortion at a Planned Paren'thood facility. When it was over, my lover drove me home and I never really heard from him for a while. It took me a while to register what I had done. I would wake up every morning crying because I felt so empty inside. I kept the only sonogram of my baby that I had because I could not bring myself to throw it away. I was able to move on after that. I got my own apartment and was doing great. My lover and I began our affair again and once again I became pregnant. This time, after being through that awful ordeal, I decided to keep my baby. Now I have a beautiful daughter. Her father had not seen her once and its a shame because he doesn't know what he is missing. Please, for any of you teens or young adults, if you are not ready to have a baby, please be safe. An abortion can scar you emotionally for the rest of your life.

  • On September 9, 1998 was the day that I went for my abortion. When I found out that I was pregnant I went crazy. I was 23 and I had just transferred to a new college and was living with my fianc�e and my life was beginning. I remembered when I got pregnant, Mike and I were fighting about something stupid on my birthday Aug 2, and before he left we made up by making love. That was when I got pregnant. I still remember sitting in my kitchen looking at the pregnancy test knowing that I was now a mother and scared to death of what I was to do. I wasn't married, I was 23 years old and I couldn't face being a mother. So many things happened to me over the month of August that led to my decision of abortion. Not only did I not know that I was pregnant until after I took the test, but on Aug 16, 1998 I got into a car accident that tolted the car, the apartment that Mike and I were to move into by the college we are attending flooded. So since I didn't know that I was pregnant and looking at all that had happened to me over the Last few weeks I went to a pre school party and got very drunk. Then not even a week into school I found out that I was pregnant. I looked at all I had done to my body and looked at my future and decided the best decision would be to get an abortion. I knew that my actions would effect the baby and I also knew that if I did have the baby every time that I looked at the baby I would hate it. I would see my future slipping away. I was not mentally ready to have a baby nor was I finical ready to have a baby. I knew my only option was abortion also. If we told our paren'ts all hell would break loose. His paren'ts are VERY catholic and did not like us living together, and even thought I did not get pregnant while living with Mike they would never see it that way. They would put us throughout so much pain if we kept the baby and even more if they knew we had the abortion. My family on the other hand was good about it. I told my mother, but not my father. My mother was very supportive and told me that in my situation she would have done the same thing. Right after the abortion I did feel relieved, and the grief and depression didn't set in for months. It wasn't until Mike and I tried to have sex again that I did realize that something was wrong and I didn't deal with everything as well as I thought. For the next year I couldn't have sex often with Mike and we would get into fights about him pushing me to have sex, and me not wanting to. I felt as if he was pushing me to have sex before I was ready, but he didn't know how to handle anything like this either. So what was him trying to show me that he loved me I saw as pushing. This went on for months. There were periods where I was fine and then I would relapse. Then the anniversary of the abortion came and we were so sad. A friend of my who was a counselor in the Army told me to go and have a memorial for the baby. So we did. We went to the park near our apartment and lit a candle and some incense and named the baby Jeremy because we both felt as if the baby would have been a boy. There are times I talk to Jeremy, and I feel comforted. I feel as if my spiritual outlook has helped me throughout this so much, and with out that I don't think that I could have gotten through this. To whom ever reads this I hope this helps, because I know that it has helped me. Jennie

  • I've been through this ordeal twice. Unfortunately, pregnant by the same man both times. This was a long time ago, about 20 years. Just within the Last 2 years have I finally come to grips with it. The first time, I had the abortion because I was Catholic and couldn't go to my paren'ts and tell them. This always happened to the other families, not ours. Like I said above, this was long ago. I didn't feel any grief at the time. I thought I could handle what my decision was. I lived with the father, we never married. I got pregnant again, and this time it was his idea. He didn't want any children. I really wanted to keep this child, however, I didn't want to lose him. So I agreed. This one was bad. It was hard physically and did permanent damage. The grief hit and hit hard. But I kept quiet, feeling like I had made my bed,so I had to lie in it. My boyfriend became abusive and again I stayed in the relationship, mostly because of what I had done. I thought that if he didn't want me, then no one else would. After years (15), we finally split. I was going back to church and during one of the sermon's, the priest said that when we die, we will meet our unborn children in Heaven. That's when I began to heal. I was able to go back to this priest, go to Confession, tell my husband (at the time, he was my boyfriend). He was wonderful. He understood and now, although we don't talk about it, I don't have to keep any secrets from him. This is the condensed version of the Last 20 years, but I hope that if you read this, you will realize that you are not alone. Just remember that you will meet your child in heaven.

  • January of '96 I met a guy. I just turned 17 the August before and had sex the first time with my first true love in November of '96. Anyway, my first and I broke up and I met this man. He was 21 I think? I forget now after everything. Anyway, we dated for awhile and I did have consensual sex with him. Then he started forcing himself on me. I didn't know that it was rape, even though I did say no and asked him to stop. Gosh, I was so young, I wasn't even afraid of becoming pregnant, I was more afraid of him. Looking back I wonder if I could have done anything different but I don't think I could have, not at that time. I had a rough childhood and was abused so instead of fighting him off, I just crawled in a shell inside and pretended I was elsewhere. Well, in February of that year I found out I was pregnant. The doctor took the test and gave me the results without my mother knowing. I had to tell her. To tell you the truth, I don't remember much about the time leading up to the abortion, I don't even remember what my mother said to me. I just remember it was decided we were going to abort. I screamed at the father and I never spoke to him again really, not much anyway. My mothers b/f went over there and threatened him and they made him pay for the abortion. Looking back, I almost feel bad, he had no say in the life of his child. I know he shouldn't have done what he did but I still can't help feeling sorry for him. All I remember before the abortion is that every night I sang songs and rubbed my belly. Heaving in the toilet often. I told the baby I loved him/her and I would never forget. I think I was sort of in a numb state. Oh man, this is making it all too real for me. My mind likes to block things... Anyway, I remember my mom bring me to the clinic. There were Pro-Lifers protesting outside of the building. One lady threw a blanket with a picture of Jesus on it on me and started praying. Me mom pushed her away and yelled at them to leave me alone, it's was all a blur to me. Anyway, noone but the actual women getting the procedure done was allowed to go inside. So, my mom kissed me goodbye and told me everything was going to be ok. I walked inside alone and scared. We must have waited 2 1/2 hours inside the main building. I sat in the corner across from a girl about 22-23 who was crying the whole time. I wanted to hug her but I couldn't bring myself to move. To my left were a bunch of older women. Some were in expensive clothing, some weren't but almost ALL of them were laughing and having a gay old time. It got me so mad and upset. They were comparing who had the most abortions and why. "My husband and I are just not ready for kids, we want to see the world". One woman was on her 10th or 11th abortion. It was crazy stuff. I know I had tears but I don't remember much. Then we had to go to that pregnancy prevention cLass. The women laughed and chatted some more. The girl was still sobbing, I had my silent tears. I wonder why someone didn't notice us, why no one thought, "gee, maybe they shouldn't do this". Oh well, it's noones fault but my own. I think then we were checked to see how far along we were. I think I was 13 weeks, I know you had to be between 9-13, I don't remember where I was. Then we were told what we had to do. Stand in line and when it was your turn you were to go into this phone booth sized room, pull the curtain, get undressed and into the gown, and under NO circumstances were we to step outside that room until we heard our name called. It was my turn. I stepped inside of that little "room" and undressed. I was shaking and crying. There was a loud noise and then I heard my name. This was it. My turn. I slowly stepped up to the bed. I don't really remember what the machine looked like but in my head I remember a huge metal barrel looking thing. It was my babies grave. Well, I chose to be knocked out and as they were giving me the drugs I was holding and rubbing my belly. I kept saying, I am so sorry baby, I love you so much, I am so sorry, mommy loves you. The Last thing I remember before I went out was the nurse holding my hand, I looked up at her, still holding my belly and I said, "Jesus please forgive me". I wonder if she kept her job? Well, next thing I know I woke up with severe cramps and I was shuffled over to a room with comfy chairs and served gingerale and butter cookies. The ladies were still having a gay old time. I don't remember what the girl was doing. So, that was it, I killed my baby. God knows what suffering and torment it went through on it's way to dying. I only say it because I don't know what he/she was. I called my baby Robin, only because it was the only unisex name I could think of at the time. I think I had just watched a movie with that name. I don't particularly like the name but wonder if I have the right to change it now. My baby would be 4 years old this October. What right did I have to kill him? So horribly too. Oh, if I could do anything differently it would be to keep my beautiful baby. To hold him in my arms right now, to hear him say "mommy". I have 2 beautiful children I thank God for, I am very blessed. I just can't help thinking of my lost angel. I hope you know mommy loves you, I hope you can forgive me baby. If I could do it all over, I would do it so you would be smiling up at me right now, perhaps you are smiling down on me as I type? I can only pray, I love you baby! You are mommy's angel. I can't wait to hold you in my arms one day in heaven, for you to meet your brother & sister. One day we will all reunite, until then, know that I am longing for that day. I enjoy my time on earth but I know that when I die I will be with you. So keep watching over us, keep smiling down on us, we feel your sunshine. God, teach him his abcs, and how to count. Most importantly, please teach him love, of course I know You will. Lord, please forgive me for that sin, it's so hard for me to forgive myself. I know you say to leave all baggage with you, I am trying. I can't even think about it, it hurts too much. Lord, thank you for your unconditional love and forgiveness. Take care of my angel, take care of my little Kylie.

  • Hi. i haven't had the courage to talk about my abortion in a month. i just sort of buried it. but it is definitely something you can't bury and never think about again. i found out i was pregnant on march 5th,2000. i had been with my boyfriend for 7 months and i loved him very much. i have never been in love before and I've done some really stupid things, including not always using protection. i guess you can say i had it coming. well we had talked about what we would do if i got pregnant before and he had always said that if it happened he wouldn't go off to school, he would stay here and help me and we would both just go to school here. well, when i got pregnant he changed his mind.(we are both seniors and 18). both of my paren'ts work all the time so having the baby would mean that i could not go off toschool which is something i did not want to give up. i am co- captain of the varsity pom squad and was on my way to dance in new york in may. i could not stomach the fact that he would leave me in our home town to suffer while he went off to school to have the time of his life. we fought day and night all the time and it tore us apart because i felt as though he was deserting me and leaving me to suffer. we had some good days but we had far more bad ones. i decided to get an abortion, with his constant persuasion. he would remind me constantly that if i do have the baby that he would still go off to school but that he would come home almost every weekend and we would still be together. well i couldn't take the fact that he still got to go and i didn't and thats what lead to my decision. i can't really give any logical reason for it but that i was selfish. i didn't tell a soul that i was even pregnant, he told his mom and his aunt. his mom has had 2 abortions and she has 4 kids. i suffered more than i ever have after i made the appointment for my abortion and i changed my mind a zillion times but everytime i did i would have that constant reminder that my life would suck with a baby. i made my appointment for April 15th , a saturday and we had spring break that next week. it was also 3 weeks before i was set to leave for new york. me and my boyfriend fought constantly and i hated him sometimes i even wonder to this day why i bothered to stay with him. we even argued the night before my abortion (we stayed at his aunts house that night ) the next morning we woke up and went to the clinic at 8:30. there were protesters there and they talked to him and gave him some stuff.i didn't want to hear what they had to say so i stayed in the car.well the night before the abortion i noticed i was having blood clots. they scared me to death!!!!!!! at the clinic after counseling i told them about it.before i knew it me and my boyfriend were upstairs in the operating room. i laid on the cold table with my legs open and my boyfriend sat next to me and held my hand. they did a pap smear and then put the gas mask on me and told me to take deep breaths. they gave no explanation as to why exactly i was shooting blood clots but the lady in counseling told me after i told her about it that i might be trying to miscarry. oh, by the way before the gas mask they did a sonograph and they tried to stand in the way of it but i saw my sweet innocent baby and i just blocked it out then i felt a pinch and then some pretty bad pain and then i heard the suction. it hurt really bad. but what hurt even more, more than anything that you could ever imagine was when i looked at the screen where i had just seen my baby, and the little movement i had just seen had stopped and it felt like some one had just taken a knife and stabbed me in the heart and twisted it around. i wished that i was dead . sometimes including right now i still do. i was bleeding really bad and i was too much in emotional pain to move. my boyfriend helped me off the table and gave me a kiss. sure it was over for him. he was off the hook, but i wasn't. they made him leave and the nurses helped me to recovery. i tried not to think about it and as i laid for my 30 minutes in recovery i decided the only way not to go crazy was not to think about it. so i blocked it out and pretended like it didn't hurt as bad as it did. we stayed at his aunts house until that Monday morning.he took care of me. we are still together. its hard to see young mothers with their babies, but i block it out.i say to anyone who reads this to think before you's a hard choice,and you will remember no matter what you do.but when its done try to think of the good,and know that one day you will see your baby in heaven. God Bless anyone who has ever lost a child. it hurts! may 22, 2000

  • I am nineteen years old. I got pregnant unexpectedly. I had no idea what to do. Everybody told me that I needed to have an abortion. I knew that I am not ready for a baby right now. So I did it. My boyfriend was really supportive when I told him that I was Pregnant, but right after I had it done, he stopped talking to me and he wont return my phone calls.I have begun to feel really helpless an suicidal. Now I can't seem to stop feeling so depressed. I really feel terrible now. I feel like I have no one to talk to who understands how I feel. My friends all tell me that it was for the best, but I cant seem to get over it. i hope that if anyone who reads this has any advice or would just be willing to talk to me about this, I wouldn't feel so bad.I feel like everyone looks down on me and they think that it is no big deal, but it hurts me inside, where I feel like I am never going to feel normal again. If anyone would please talk to me about their own experience and how they got through it, I would greatly appreciate it. I just need to talk to someone who has gone through the same thing, because no one I know seems to understand why I feel this way. thank you.

  • I was about to turn 16 when I had my abortion, it was on January 29, 1999. Its a day that will forever burn in my head as the day I kissed my sanity good-bye. My boyfriend at the time was 21, and he wasn't the greatest guy in the world, he had his share of run in with the law. Well he got kicked outta his house and began to stay with me. My paren'ts are never home so were unaware of this. Then all of the sudden I started getting really sick, I couldn't be n e where but in my room becuz everything made me sick. I tried to lie to my mom and convince her that I wasn't pregnant but she didn't buy it. She paged my boyfriend and told him to stay away from me(putting it nicely). So after me and her butted heads I finally told her and informed her that there was nothing she could do, it was my baby. But bein she had the fact that my b/f was 21 meant she could put him in jail so I went along with her request to have an abortion. I hate her for it. I remember and go thru every detail of that day. Im severely depressed and wish to die at times. I also suffer from reoccurring nightmares and fLashbacks that cause me to lay in bed and cry for hours. I also got bad off into drugs to numb the pain, it didn't work to say the least. I think about my baby everyday and still get highly emotional when I think about it. My boyfriend and I still think about her and wonder what if. He got her death date tattooed in his hand and I got her name "Kaylynn" tattooed in my back, to insure that Ill never forget.

  • Hi I am 32 years old and married, I have had 2 abortions, one surgical, about 6 years ago and one chemical, a month ago. I was only dating my husband for a few months when I got pregnant the first time. Neither of us were prepared for having a baby, so we decided to have an abortion. I was awake for the whole thing and it was the most painful and horrifying thing I have ever experienced. I felt everything and will never forget it. Things are a lot different now, they make sure that if you are awake, that you are at least a little numb. They did not numb me at all. I have a 3 year old son, and when I became pregnant this Last time, I had just went off of birthcontrol pills, and we used a condom everytime we had sex, but I still ended up pregnant. I found out about RU486 and Misoprostol and found a clinic near me that was approved for it. I decided to go that route, and everything turned out fine. We decided we did not want anymore children for numerous reasons. We are very happy with our family the way it is now, and with the hours that we both work, it would not have been very easy to raise another infant.

  • I am a 27 year old woman with three beautiful children. I met my husband (my first boyfriend) when I was 16. I waited a year to have sex with him. When we finally did, our relationship changed. We started to fight. About six months later (without use of any birth control) I became pregnant. We both agreed to have an abortion because we knew that at the time we would not have been able to provide for a baby. I went in for the procedure. He went in along with me. The doctor came in, did not say a word to me and sucked the life I was carrying inside of me. I went to confession but it did not really affect me, until I had my first baby. After having my third child I was to get a tubal ligation, but, being a catholic hospital the procedure was not done there. I was to wait for my first period...which never came. I found out that I was pregnant again. This time I was totally distraught because I knew I couldn't keep the baby. We are in a two bedroom apartment and living paycheck to paycheck. I don't believe that I'll ever be able to forgive myself. I pray that God will and that when I die I will be able to see the two children I gave up. Ladies, You can get pregnant after giving birth!!! Please use birth control.


  • My baby would had been 4 years old by now. I was working at a school at age of 17 1/2 helping kids (at risk youth). I was currently seeing a friend of the family. I knew he was going to be my husband. But during that time I met a School Teacher that was smart, handsome, fun, exciting and at that age I needed all of that. So of course I was fooling around with both of those guys. I was fooling around for about 4 months. I would hang out with the teacher for fun and I would hang out with my boyfriend for love. Then one day I had a fever, I felt so sick, I then took the test and found out that I was pregnant. I was crying so much, I knew if I told my paren'ts that they would beat me up or disown me. Then I though about it and I was clueless of who was the father. I would had sacrificed the relationship with my paren'ts to have this child even though I knew I didn't make more than $4.00 an hour. I went to my boyfriends work at lunch and told him, he was so happy and he wanted me to keep the baby. Then I went to work and told the teacher he asked me for proof. I was so disappointed with him. I thought he was going to be happy or at least ask if I was okay. I stopped seeing the teacher. My boyfriend told me that he was so happy and he told me that if I kept the baby that he would take care of both of us, he then proposed marriage and I refused. Then finally I though about it and agreed to marriage, we set the date for May which was in a month. My mother said that she wanted me to get married by church and that if I did not do so that the whole situation would kill my dad. So then the priest set a date of August. I would had been close to 5 months. I couldn't hide that. Including the fact that I didn't know who the father was I had to get an abortion. I went to a Kaiser under my own insurance. The first visit they inserted something but to me it felt as though someone cut a piece of tissue. I had to go inn the next day. I seen so many girls there. I was so scared, I asked my oldest sister to join me (she had gone through an abortion too). Once they had 5 of us put on our gowns I asked the girl next to me if she had gone through it before she had said yes; that it was her 3rd time. I then relaxed. Finally they put me to sleep, I woke up when they had the vacuum inside me, I was crying so much they had so many nurses trying to calm me down, they then called my sister to calm me down. I was crying because I didn't want to kill a baby. It actually didn't hurt me physically only emotionally. I then went to my boyfriend house to relax so my mom wouldn't find out. He made me soup and rubbed my back while I cried. Four years later and now I am married to my boyfriend. I have no children, I don't know if it is because I had the abortion or because I used the Depo-Provera to prevent me from getting pregnant again. I will be going to fertility cLasses with my husband. I'm scarred that we will find out that he is the one with the problem; then I will not know what to say/ or do. He still doesn't know, I love him too much to lose him because of my ignorance, and stupidity. A fortune teller told me one day that my baby's soul is still in my body and that this baby will not let me have another baby. She told me to go to a priest and confess + he could get this baby out. I could tell you that I regret doing what I did. But I would had risked having this baby and not be with any man. I also hope that my husband forgives me for cheating on him when I was young and I promise to him that I will do everything in my power to make him happy. In regards to the abortion; what could you do but forgive yourself and take that energy to do something good. It is easier said than done. Go to a counselor before getting an abortion, it might save you many tears.

  • I had my first abortion when I was 18. I had just gotten out of a abusive relationship that I had been in for most of my teenage years. I started to date this guy, who I thought was the best looking guy in the world. My only intentions were to have a good time. I had begun to spend a lot of time with him, and after a few months, I really began to care about him. I let him know how I felt, so that if he didn't feel the same way, we could end it with no hard feelings. Unfortunate, I believed him when he said that he cared about me, and wanted to keep going. we would spent a lot of time together, we would talk to eachother about thing that were important. He would do the little things that let you know they care. When I found out that I was pregnant, my first reaction was "how wonderful", before I drifted back to reality. I didn't wonder what he would think, or anyone one else. I didn't think about bill, or school. When I finally did think about it, I decided, that I could handle the responsibility, and I would do it with or without him. When I finally told him, he didn't say much, not for about two weeks. Then he finally did, he told me that I had to get an abortion and that he would pay for it. I told him no, and that I would be fine by myself. He didn't talk to me for another two weeks. The second time, he told me that since I wouldn't get an abortion, I was on my own, and I had brought it upon myself. oh ya, that he was also in love with somebody else. My heart sank. I thought he cared about me. When I went to the doctor, I had a culture done, and they wanted to see how far along I was. i was about a month, and I also had chylamidia. My heart sank even more. Afterwards, I began to hear all these awful stories about him, and I couldn't take it anymore. I felt that if I had this baby, it would be too painful. And then it kicked in that maybe I was too young anyways. So I had the abortion. Before I did, I told him about it. he didn't help me or anything with the process, but up until that day, he would stop by to tell me how beautiful I was, or some other "I'm the man" line. After the abortion, October 31, 1997, we never talked again. It took me a little bit over a year and a half to get over the abortion. I felt that I had also lost my soul in the process. I punish myself, until I went to counseling, by denying myself anything that was good. i spent the whole time locked in my room, confused about what I was feeling. After counseling i felt alive again, like I had been given a second chance. I met another guy who was really nice, we took things slow, and I let him know about my abortion. When we finally started to have sex, I made sure I was protected. I was weary about trusting him, and I did. Out relationship was great up until the point that I found out I was pregnant in April, a month before our year anniversary. I was scared to say anything, I was afraid of what he would say and afraid to make the decision to have another abortion. When I told him, he told me that no matter what happened he would be there, but that we weren't ready to have a baby. And that his paren'ts would disown him. He never asked me what I wanted, and didn't say anything when I told him that my heart would break if I had to do it again. He told me to trust him, things would be ok, and I did. I had my second abortion April 20, 2000. I couldn't understand that if he loved me, why would he want me to go through this, when I was on the table, crying, I wanted him to tell me I didn't have to. But he didn't, and I held my voice inside. Since then, I have been more depressed than ever, and our relationship is bad. I haven't really told anybody, because I've been two ashamed this time around. And now my boyfriend feels bad for having me go through it.

  • I submitted my story on 3-20-00, 2 days after my abortion. I see now the number of stories on the site has tripled and I am glad people are able to share. My abortion experience has not been a pleasant one. Sunday it will be 3 months. Sometimes it feels like it happened a million years ago or that it never happened at all. After the abortion the father told me he was having hallucinations and was unable to speak to me because I made things worse. Then he refused to pay me his half of the medical bills and boasted to all of our friends that he has "paid enough!" I have not spoken to him since April 1st and I will probably never speak to him again. I am moving 16 hours away to Chicago in July. Away from him and our baby. I named our little girl after him and I eventually shared my story with a few close friends, but things are pretty much the same...bad! I have so much anger towards the father. I blame him for abandoning me and the baby. I blame him for choosing his family's money over his own child. I blame him for not giving me the empathy I still need. I haven't cried since Easter, but I feel like I am really ready to put my daughter to rest. I tried once again to contact the father, but he continues to ignore me. I don't think I will ever stop needing for our relationship to be "OK." I still don't have any answers to how I am going to get through this. Sometimes this whole situation seems so surreal, like it didn't even happen to me, but I know it did. I even sometimes wish for the morning sickness again. Now I would be 5 months pregnant, but I'm not. I just hope that if someone reads this who is still pregnant (like I was went I started reading these stories) I just hope they get it. I hope they really GET IT!!! If you are old enough and strong enough, you don't have to be rich and you don't have to be married to BE A GOOD MOTHER!!! if there's one thing my baby has taught me it's "That I didn't need him to be a good mother." Don't let a man make you feel like you can't be a mother or that once you are a mother no other man will want you. I swore to myself I would never feel that way, but I did and now I've lost the opportunity to share my life with the most amazing person in the daughter. Good Luck! God Bless!

  • I was 20 years old and in college. I was quite the party girl and thought I was having a good time. I got pregnant by a former boyfriend. When I went to his house to tell him, I just couldn't get the words out. He wasn't being very nice to me at the time and I just couldn't do it. I walked out and never spoke with him again. I had the abortion. The minute I walked out of the clinic I had the most empty feeling I have ever experienced. I prayed all the way home that God would forgive me. I am now 35 years old and still think about that child. Four years passed and guess what, it happened again. This time I got pregnant from someone I had just started seeing. I thought I am such an idiot. I was not going to have an abortion. However, I was so scared and could not tell anyone. I had my second abortion. I always thought people who had abortions were people with low morals and loose values if any. Here I was a church going person who loved the Lord and I got pregnant two times and aborted both children. I truly believe that life takes place a conception and I have killed two of my children. This has been years ago and I continue to pray over and over that God will forgive me. When I called the person who got me pregnant, his first question of course was, "is it mine?" Then he said, "you're not going to keep it are you?" "I don't want to have kids with you." I was good enough to sleep with for one night but that was about it. I hit bottom. I want to shut the door to my past so very badly, but it just keeps jumping up and hitting me in the face. I attend church regularly and feel like such a hypocrite for sitting in the pew. I feel like of these people really knew me, they would be blown away by my actions. I am now married w/ two children. I did tell my husband about both abortions, but I did not tell anyone else. I so want to speak with my pastor but I can't bear the way he would look at me and think about me. I know he would tell me the Lord loves me and forgives me for my sins, but I am just too ashamed to bring this out into the open.

  • 1979: I was 16, in college, a believing christian and very much in love with my 17 year old christian boyfriend when I found myself pregnant. I was ill with morning sickness 24 hours a day, throwing up constantly, I was a minor and no counter-support was offered by my church youth leaders or my boyfriend's family, I had no means of support neither did my boyfriend who was also a student, and I couldn't withstand the pressure from my mother. My grandmother bullied my mother, who then forced me into having an abortion that I did not want, against my beliefs. They believed that an abortion was in my best interests and thought that abortion was easy and forgettable compared with the long term commitment of raising a child, as my grandmother had been pregnant at 17 when she married my grandfather and didn't want the same thing to happen to me. They were well-meaning but horribly ignorant about the long-term psychological effects of an abortion. Under general anesthetic, the actual procedure was not painful, but I have two horrible memories, the first was of an older woman who was having a late term abortion because she was carrying the child of a man who had just been convicted of sexually abusing her two older children and she shared graphic details of their abuse(remember I was only 16), and the second memory I have is of my breasts being groped by the anesthesia technician as I was going under the anesthetic. I resolved to kill myself if I ever became pregnant again rather than go through another abortion, and five years later, I made an atonement marriage to same boyfriend by whom I'd been pregnant, and then stayed in an emotionally abusive marriage for the next 4 years. I bottled up every hurt feeling as my friends got pregnant and had babies, while my husband made snide remarks about not giving their babies to me to hold because I always made babies cry, and similar unkind remarks. We had no children of our own, and one day I just woke up to the realization I would rather be dead than stay married to this man any longer, and I left him. I was terrified of him because he was a very angry person, and although he never hit me, he was environmentally violent, hitting the walls and stuff. I rejected the church and my christian faith entirely when the Pastor and many christian friends tried to force a reconciliation. For years I had lived with my 'decision' by convincing myself that it was my own choice because I could not face the truth that my own family had betrayed me, I told myself that the abortion was for the best because the baby would not have developed normally due to the excessive amounts of anti-nausea medication that I had taken during the pregnancy (there was a major birth defect scare on that medication shortly after my abortion), and I consoled myself that my baby was safe in heaven, but after the marriage ended, the emotional floodgates opened and I stopped bottling up my abortion secret and told a few close friends about my husband's behavior and our abortion history. A couple of years later we divorced and I emigrated, and later I went into counseling after I became aware that I was very angry with my mother who had written to tell me about a visit from my ex and his new wife to show off their new baby son and how cute he was. I felt so betrayed because she had rejected my child (her own grandchild) and yet now she was welcoming his. Eventually I confronted her about this and she was very sorry she had hurt me, although we never talked of it again, I know that she had finally realized the lifelong impact of what she had done to me. Seven years ago, I remarried, and we now have two beautiful healthy children together, but with my first child I experienced a traumatic emergency cesarean birth under general anesthesia, and I wouldn't deny that there may be some connection between the abortion and the traumatic birth experience, I suspect that going under general anesthesia for the cesarean triggered bad body memories of the previous anesthesia, and despite being unconscious, I perceived my cesarean surgery as a life threatening event which I was powerless to prevent, and suffered post traumatic stress symptoms for several months afterwards until I received some more counseling. Today, at 37 years old, I consider myself a pregnancy termination and a traumatic birth survivor; I share my traumatic birth experience quite often, but my abortion experience much more selectively, recognizing that there is scant acknowledgement given in our society to grief and loss related to pregnancy and childbearing, but even less is permission given to grieve or seek support after abortion, especially when the act was deliberate. I found the book "Ended Beginnings: Healing Childbearing Losses" by Claudia Panuthos and Catherine Romeo to be very helpful because it handles grief related to abortion as sensitively as it does to adoption, miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death, SIDS and infertility. Sadly this book is now out of print, although it can sometimes be obtained from Amazon. In these Last 2 years, I have lost both my mother and my grandmother to cancer; I nursed my mother in my home until she died, and I now grieve these new losses. I have had time to understand their incorrect beliefs and I have forgiven their ignorance, although I will always live with the knowledge of what happened to me. My anger towards my mother is long gone, replaced by compassion and identification with her due to her own painful post-birth experience of being separated unnecessarily from her infant (me), which caused her eyes to well up with tears more than 30 years after the event. Today, I have become a reiki practitioner, I am studying to become a psychologist and counselor and I plan to become a certified hypnotherapist. I have a special interest in post traumatic stress in birthing women and surgical patients, and I plan to help women heal from childbearing losses including abortion. I want to encourage women that it is possible to survive the experience of abortion and to rise up like a phoenix from the ashes, a stronger and wiser and more compassionate woman, so please get professional help, join a support group, and learn to nurture your bodies and souls. I respect and honor your grief.

  • i have accepted my abortion as something that i had to do for myself at the time. in every situation in life you can always second guess yourself, and if circumstances were different there are other choices you could/would have made. i had my son when i was 23 with a man i had gone out w/ for 4.5 years. when i was pregnant he wanted nooooo part of the baby. i moved home n had my son n got on with my life. (i also had a terrible labor that ended in a c-section with no anesthesia n that was about as traumatic for me as i could deal with. i never wanted another baby ever again!) 3 months after i had my son i met someone n we began dating. we didn't have sex like forever b/c i was not about to get pregnant again. we did, however, 'mess around'. we didn't have penetration sex, but gosh, those sperm are SuperSwimmers! that sometimes irritates me that i got pregnant n didn't even get to enjoy the sex part, but i digress... when we realized what had happened we went to a clinic where they give u free 'Day After' pills. i was still breastfeeding my son so i had to get a certain type of birth control pill that contained no estrogen. they make u take the pregnancy pee test to make sure u aren't pregnant yet n ofcourse i wasn't. so i had to drive to the next state to get the pills b/c the certain pill w/o estrogen is scarcely given and all the drugstores around me were out of them. i ended up driving thru God-knows-where w/ my doors locked n winows closed so i could make sure i didn't get pregnant. i took the pills, it was pretty easy. end of problem, right? wrong!! then 2 weeks later i went on vacation to Las Vegas. my cousin n i went for 5 days and partied every night. i have never used drugs, but i did drink my ass off. my cousin came down w/ bronchitis the next week and i ended up w/ pneumonia!!! i was on 3 antibiotics when all was said n done, and i cant even count how many cough n cold n flu medications. anyway, the next week iwas soooooooo tired. i couldn't stay awake for the life of me, i just slept n slept. very reminiscent of my pregnancy w/ my son. in fact i remembered reading that i was supposed to get my period within 2 weeks after taking the day after pills and it had been over 3 weeks. on a whim i said to my b/f u know, i think i might bepregnant. he was like ya, sure, whatever. but he went to the store n bought a test. i took it n it lit up like a Christmas tree. we couldn't believe it. we sat up all night talking about what we were going to do. i couldn't believe anything could live or be healthy after pills to prevent it, drinking, medications, etc...but sure enuf. so we went back to the same clinic m told them. they handed me a sheet about my options with the pregnancy. i told them i didn't want to stay pregnant but i couldn't go thru w/ a normal abortion. i asked about the RU480 pill and the lady wrote down where to go. i called the next day n asked about the pill and they gave me an appointment. we went to the OB's office n watched sally jesse in the waiting room. i remember thinking how nice it looked in that office n seeing all these other ladies come in. some were like 400 pounds n i wondered how they could ever get pregnant, some were very, very young girls n i wondered the same thing. time passed n finally i went into the exam room. my b/f was very upset that he couldn't go in and talk to the dr, too, but that was office policy. i saw the sonogram n had the picture printed out for my b/f of our child. then the dr said that i was 6 weeks or something n that i just barely qualified for the pill. and lucky me he was going on vacation next week so we couldn't do it then. i would have to come back in 2 weeks. GREAT! thats just what i didn't need. i cried my eyes out night n day for a few days. i was so worried about everything, especially avoiding a surgical abortion. i was very selfish n i admitted it. i couldn't afford another baby, my paren'ts would go ballistic on me, i was still unmarried, the whole we waited for my dr. to brush up on his sun bathing skills while i threw my guts up for 2 weeks. i remember taking 3 days to eat 5 bites of a cheeseburger! i had to fake a stomach virus for my family b/c i was too sick n tired to care for my son. my b/f really helped me alot at this time. we talked about keeping the baby but knew it wasn't the right choice for us at the time. we also named her, i knew she was a 'she'. when we went back to the dr. it was fairly simple. i had another pee test n sonogram to see how far along i was. then my b/f and i went into concealing together to talk about the 'study' b/c the pill is still under FDA approval trials. (i guess Im a guinea pig) and what to expect to happen to my body, etc... the lady also asked if we were certain about the abortion. we said yes. then she gave me a packet of 2 pills. i had to take 1 then and another a few hours later or the next day. i forget b/c i was kinda upset and in a daze. we prayed b/4 i took them. the next day i saw a spot of blood on my underwear n started crying really hard. i knew it wasn't another person killing my baby, but me, myself. i wasn't crying for me, really. i was crying for my baby. i had already accepted this as something that i had to do. but it was unfair for the baby. 2 days later i had to insert pills in y vagina to dilate me and begin the bleeding part. whoa, that was freaky!! they give u perfect for the cramps so i was in a really big fog when it happened. i inserted the pills and about 20 minutes later i started bleeding like a stuck pig. they say to expect changing pads about 4 times perhour. and they mean the diaper-like super heavy 'let half your blood drain out of your body' maxi pads! i remember going to the bathroom and these gigantic blood clots just falling out of me. i could feel them actually coming and having to push them out of me. it was unreal. at 1 point i was so blitzed i called my b/f in to look athem. i said look at the things that are coming out of me! he was amazed. probably b/c he couldn't believe i was showing him, but hey, he should see its his abortion, too. i had sooooo much pain i had to take 1/2 pill more than i was supposed to at a a time to deal w/ the cramps. and i bled so much that i had to stay on the toilet. if i would even get up to pull up my pants i would gush blood. i had baseball sized bloodclots, no lie! anyway i bled really hard for about a day. then i bled every day for 3 months after that. that is abnormal but o well. i went back the next week for a sonogram to make sure that all of the pregnancy was gone. it was. i dont really feel badly about it. sometimes i do cry, but only after i read a particularly sad story about someone's baby or abortion. we celebrated what would have been her birthday, and always will, b/c it happens to be my mother's birthday. ironically my mother was given up for adoption, so someone else made different choices for their child. that's okay with me. i realize that everyone does the best they can with what they can. the 1 year anniversary was a bit harder for me. my then-fianc�e forgot what it was, and that was really hard. its also April fool's day and i sometimes wonder if i were a fool. but i can talk openly about it, i dont hate myself for it, or wish i did anything differently. and i am thankful that there is the RU 480 pill out there. ~chris

  • I was 20 years old and already had 1 child at the age of 18. I found out I was pregnant after I had missed a period of a month and a half. I wasn't taking the pill but I used condoms all the time. I guess something happened this one time. My boyfriend and I were broke up when I told him that we needed to get a test done. I think we both knew what the test would read. The minute the test came out positive, I immediately thought of my daughter and how excited I was about her. But for some reason, I wasn't happy to be pregnant at all. That's when we thought about the abortion idea. Nither one of us liked the thought of terminated a baby, but at the time we didn't think we had any other choices. It's hard taking care of one child alone but the thought of 2 just seemed impossible to me. My mother had the same thing done when I was younger so I knew a little about what would happen and what my other choices where. I guess I felt real selfish cause I had plaid around and felt like I should pay. But I also thought "why should an innocent child have to pay for my mistakes" meaning there's was no way I could take care of another baby. So it took us a long time to finally get to the clinic that day in June of 2000. I was very scared, but thought I was doing the right thing for myself, my daughter, and my boyfriend who was the most supportive person through all this. I still don't like to talk about the procedure but I will tell you all this: It's a very big decision that one has to make, and maybe I didn't think it through enough like I should have cause now I regret it, every time I look at my daughter, every time I have a nightmare and every time I think of how many times a day other young girls just like me go through something like this. I'm not saying that abortion is always the right or wrong thing to do but if your thinking about it, PLEASE think long and hard about what your puttingg yourself through. There are plenty of people to talk to out there and believe me it helps to talk to someone who understands.

  • I am a 27 year old mother of a 7 and a 2 year old. It has been three weeks since my "procedure", that is what you are supposed to call it, my follow-up appointment is tomorrow. I am not sure why I'm even writing any of this down. Maybe it is because I'm angry, I know I'm angry. The reason for my abortion was I have very sick pregnancies (hospital stays and i.v's) and the fact that I feel so alone in the whole ordeal. I was nine weeks when I had it done and I had been severely ill for over a month. I knew I was pregnant before I missed my period. But I was still solely responsible for all the household chores and taking care of my kids. There were some days I really couldn't stand long enough to make my son a sandwich. I just felt and still feel so alone with this. I know he has thoughts and feelings about this but he doesn't share them with me. And I feel like he doesn't even realize what my body and mind have been through. I had to sign a paper giving permission to have my child vacuumed from my body. That is a lot to think about. It is very hard to watch my kids play and think there could have been one more little blondie playing with them. I'm basically at peace with my choice, we can barely afford the kids we have, but I wish I could get a little acknowledgement that I did have to do this. If my partner went through this I would feel his pain with him not act like it didn't happen. I feel an overwhelming urge to tell the strangest people. I don't know what to think anymore and I do feel a little better. Thank you for having this available.

  • I was married to a man who did not want children and at the time I was perfectly happy with this arrangement. Then we divorced and a while later I married Noah who made me want to have a kid. He didn't suggest it to me, but there is something about him that made me think that having one would be great. We struggled with the decision for some months, whether to have or not - I am 35 and he is 39 and neither of us make a whole lot of money, and perhaps we were too set in our ways. I had never wanted them, and before he met me Noah just accepted the fact that he probably wouldn't have any. The question dogged us. We got books on pregnancy and childbirth/infant raising. We even went to a cLass to help us make a decision. It didn't really help. We could list all sorts of logical reasons not to have kids, but we kept coming back to thoughts of having just one. One day we just decided to do it. I was thrilled although it felt a little unreal. My mom was naturally thrilled with the idea. She had peacefully resigned to not being a grandmother and wham! She was going to be! Even though we had always been close, It felt great to suddenly have this relationship with her. We got pregnant that very week that we made our "decision." I was so gung-ho to have it done that we bought an ovulation predictor. Not that I really needed it, but I was pretty excited. After the doctor was able to confirm I was indeed pregnant, reality set in. I started to get unbelievably afraid, especially at night. My breasts started hurting and getting big right away and that made me uncomfortable. One night, after only about 4 weeks of actual pregnancy, I had a particularly severe panic attack. It turns out that Noah was terrified too. One of the reasons that I thought I wanted to have a baby with him was because he was so good at "taking care of me" and that he always made me feel like everything was going to be okay. This time he couldn't. He feared being a father in that he was afraid he would be a bad dad like his father and that he wouldn't be able to support our baby and me. I felt guilty about not being able to stay home - something I believe in when the child is in infancy. My mother would never accept that and I had heard her go on about women who get pregnant on purpose only to turn right around and throw them in daycare. I just don't make enough money or have good enough maternity leave to be able to do that. Terrified of raising a child. I had used my imagination a lot and looked ahead to what it might be like to raise a two-year old, a teenager... And I knew there was going to be tough times. It had never seemed so real and so scary as when there was actually a baby inside of me. I was terrified of regretting it after it was born. That is what scared me the most. I cannot stress how frightened I was and full of dread. That really bad night when we were both in tears Noah said that we couldn't keep the baby. Just like that. Sadly, but simply. I don't know that I had considered having an abortion before that, but I knew what he meant and I knew that it was true. I couldn't see keeping this baby feeling how we were feeling. Even so, I was so angry. Not at Noah, just at the situation. I kept wondering how this happened. How could we go from happy to terrified and wanting to abort our child? The next couple of days were awful. I don't even know how I functioned at work. I was so angry, felt so horrified at what we were going to do. Later that week after we had managed to calm each other and feel even a little bit better, we sat down to the phone the next morning and called a clinic that sounded nice. I burst into tears as soon as the poor receptionist answered the phone. I wanted to get in right away, but she said I had to wait for two weeks. That was awful too. I originally made the appointment for a Saturday but then she said that there were probably going to be protesters. I knew I couldn't handle that. Those people are very ignorant and I had enough to upset me already. I got a different appointment and that made me feel a little better. So we waited and once even thought that we might keep it, but we went with our original decision and actually felt pretty good about it, in that it seemed best under the circumstances. I called my mom and lied. She is not anti-abortion, but I just couldn't do this to her. I told her I had a miscarriage. It feels terrible not to be able to tell her this. I think that she would probably be okay, but I just can't do it. She had already bought the baby a present. I am afraid she would hate me or blame Noah. After the abortion, we felt pretty good. Later we felt awful. Noah thought he had let me down and felt like he should have been better somehow and that it didn't need to be this way. I told only one other person, who also had an abortion earlier that year. She did not understand me at all. She was unmarried and the father flaked on her. Of course I was scared, she said, everyone is. She thought I reacted too strongly and should have just hung in there because every newly pregnant couple gets scared. "Terrified, though?" I thought to myself. So I wondered if I hadn't terminated a perfectly good thing. Well, there is more, but I don't have time to write anymore. The worst part of this is feeling so lonely. Noah and I can only do so much for each other now - we both just hurt so much. I hate being around our pregnant friends. Seems like they are all 5 months along, just like I would be. I wish I knew that it was okay and that everything else is okay. I am even regretting leaving my first husband reasoning that I would never be feeling like this had I not. I must sound nuts. Sometimes I wonder. Thank you for reading this. You are the only person (people) who knows about my story. Thank you.

  • My husband and I have been married for 3 years, together for 6 years. About 4 weeks before we celebrated our 3rd anniversary, we found out I was pregnant. When we found out we were both shocked, amazed, and scared. We are both 27 years old and we both have jobs, and our own businesses. We are very busy trying to make our lives better after struggling for so many years. We went back and forth for a month and a half discussing the pros and cons of the abortion, and keeping the baby. After all was said and done, we decided the abortion was in our best interest. My husband has worked for 10 years trying to make a go of it in the music business, and we are not about to give up that career now, we have both worked too hard. The problem was that we didn't feel we could raise a child and accomplish what we needed to make his career happen. It has been his life long dream. I love my husband, and I have faith in his abilities. I believe he is talented and can do it. That was our justification for what we did. I remember on my way to the clinic, I cried the whole way there. Once inside it was even worse, I just kept feeling like i wanted to run away, but knowing it was best for us i went through with it. This was 3 days ago. I remember I cried the entire procedure, and I am still crying over what we have done. I feel a lot of guilt, and regret. More than anything I miss knowing the baby is inside me, after 10 weeks it is almost inevitable to build a bond with your baby. Even though my husband has been there for me through every step of the way, I cannot help feeling alone, and I cannot help but wonder what that baby could have been. I will never make this same mistake twice, this has been the hardest experience i have ever had to go through.

  • I was less than a year into a relationship, and 2 weeks away from getting a divorce from my husband of 7 years. It was the worst time ever to find out I was pregnant.

    My partner and I were so in love with the idea of a child of our own, but after many nights of discussion and tears we both decided that the right thing to do was to have an abortion. There were a thousand reasons why we couldn't have the child, and love was the only reason to keep him or her. I wanted to believe that love was enough... and maybe it could've been, but we chose the abortion to save our child and selves from a great deal of struggle. Aside from my divorce, I was raising 2 children of my own, my partner suffers with serious back injuries, finances are limited, our extended families aren't united and wouldn't be able to be supportive... there were a lot of factors playing into our decision. Inevitably, the abortion took place.

    I cried for the days leading up to the operation, I don't think I ever cried so much in my lifetime. I had visions of what our baby looked like, and broke my heart every time I thought about it. My partner and I discussed the heck out of the issue, and he was willing to support anything I wanted... right up until the drive to the hospital... he would've turned the car around if I wanted to change my mind. Still, I knew what we had to do and why.

    The operation was completed that afternoon, and I had a tubal ligation at the same time. I never wanted to be put in the position of having to make a decision like this again. My partner had already lost a child when he was younger due to premature birth. I have 2 children of my own that he treats well, and we decided to simply count our blessings and raise the children I have.

    The day after surgery I felt fine... though very sore from the second surgery. I didn't feel terrible until the second night. I woke up from a pretty good dream, and my head was spinning with thoughts of the abortion. The word "massacre" entered my mind and terrified me. I thought I was being punished for what I had done to our baby, and thought that it was some "spirit" reminding me of the evil I had just taken part in.

    I talked myself down from my terror and gently woke up my partner. I told him that I was going upstairs because I couldn't sleep. Immediately I checked on my two children and touched each of their heads to ensure that they were comfortably sleeping. I prayed to God to protect everybody in the house, and proceeded to seek information about what I was going through. It brought me to the internet, and to this site.

    It's almost 4:30 a.m. and I am trying to heal my heart enough to go back to sleep. There has been a lot of helpful information here, I found the story of "Lily" to be especially helpful and beautiful. I hope to have something beautiful come out of this too.
    God Bless us all!

  • I am 18 years old and had my abortion exactly one month ago on August 12, 2000. When I found out that I was pregnant I was sooo happy. I was gonna be a mommy. My boyfriend of two years was really excited as well. But when my paren'ts found out everything changed. The first thing my mother said to me was you have to get rid of it you have to get an abortion. This broke my heart. I knew she would not be happy about it but I never expected her to say this. My dad just told me to do what I thought was right and whatever I decided he would be there for me. My mom just kept on pressuring me to do it and my boyfriend kept pressuring me to keep it. Another side of my story is that my b-f isn't exactly a great guy. He cant hold down a job, has and still is in trouble with the law and is into pot. That was another factor in keeping my baby. I didn't want my child to grow up with a father who could not support it and was in trouble and on drugs. My mother support was that I really needed to keep my child but she just wouldn't . So I went to the clinic and as I walked in protestors tried to stop me, I wish I would have listened to them. I waited for hours with so many other girls in similar situations. Once I got into the room I just couldn't hold back the tears i had been doing all day. I was on this table shacking and crying. The doctor came in and didn't say anything but hi. He dilated my cervix inserted the tube and began. The pain was unlike anything I have ever felt in my life. Now that I have recovered physically I think the emotional pain is so more severe that I almost cant live with myself. Everyday I think what would my child have looked like, laughed like, how would it smell. There isn't a day that goes by that I dont think about the horrible thing I have done to an innocent child, that I never gave a chance to live. When I see pregnant woman or a baby I just want to run away. I feel like i am a murderer. But I just think if I repent my sins the Lord will forgive me. I was 9 weeks when I had it done. My baby would be born on February 15, 2001. I didn't know if was a boy or a girl but I had names picked out for either. Those names will not be given to another child that I have because they already belong to my first child that I never gave a chance to live. If there are any girls that read this and are thinking about getting an abortion, PLEASE THINK TWICE.

  • I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and we have always said that if I got pregnant then we would try are best and raise it. About 3 months ago I got pregnant and right away I wanted to keep it but he wanted me to get an abortion. I cried so much when he told me this but then I told him that I would consider it. I mean he is a marine and getting out soon and I was not ready to be a mom. But we put it off and when I did go get it done I was going on 15 weeks. He had to go train and he left the day before I was getting my abortion done. I had no family down here and if he couldn't go with me, then I wanted to go alone. So I went in for the procedure 3 days ago and I went alone. My neighbors thought that I was such a horrible person for having an abortion and my family thinks that I was having a D&C done part to having a miscarriage. I couldn't face telling my family the truth. After all we were going to keep the baby but then cam up with a story later on that I had a miscarriage. I went in on Tuesday morning at 8a.m. and then had to insert this pill inside my cervix to soften it because I was so far along. Then I was told to come back around 11 a.m. I drove around town thinking about me being all by myself and no support behind me. Well I got back to the clinic and they were ready to perform the abortion. I wasn't put under they gave me local anesthetic which they inserted it into my cervix. I thought that I wouldn't be able to feel any pain. Boy was I wrong!!! I felt every little thing that they did and I cried the entire time. When it was over with I just laid there while the nurses cleaned me up and when I was alone I cried. Not so much for the unborn child I just aborted but for the fact that I had to go through this alone. I was so scared and there was nobody there for me. The nurses gave me some medication and I was told to stay in the recovery room until they felt that I could leave. I left about an hour later and drove home. I got home and called my boyfriend right away. We both cried because he could not be here for me. I do think about the child I aborted but I know that the child is with God now and that I will have more children when I am ready. The good thing is that my boyfriend is coming home next friday but the sad thing is that I had to go through this all alone. I tried to call one of those hotlines but they were so impersonal and I held back alot of things. I thought that by posting my story I would start to feel better and I think that by me writing down my feelings I will help myself. I am glad that I had this abortion and that may sound selfish but I couldn't go through with raising a child right now. In the end I found out that only the woman can chose whether or not to have an abortion. I mean my boyfriend told me in the beginning to get one and I told him no then I told him that I would consider it. Finally he told me that it was my decision and that he would stand by me not matter what I chose. Every night we talk on the phone and every night we always talk about how we both are feeling and I have to admit that those talks are helping me out alot. I mean knowing that he is still here for me feels so good and that my family is supportive even though they still don't know the truth.

  • I'm sorry that I'm not ready yet.
    Still so young, the ground has yet to shake
    For the both of us.
    Life ends before life begins,
    But it is not yur time little one.
    You should come when the sky is blue
    And the daisies in the field are so white,
    So bright.
    And the stars light up the celestial sky
    As you light up the world above.
    Because you were not meant to waste time-
    Not here among earth.
    You are far too good for the likes of us.
    Your gifts looking down upon us
    Are the gifts that I know will save me.
    I would have loved you,
    But it isn't your time
    Someday one will come
    And it will be almost as perfect as you
    Because you will have sent it to me
    My little love

  • I am in the navy and this past April I had to go out on a 6 month overseas deployment. After about 2 weeks of being out to sea and not getting over the sea sickness, I decided to go see the doc on my ship. He gave me a pregnancy test and it came out positive. I didn't believe him, though, and just counted down the days until I would be home with my new husband. When I called and told him what the doctor had said, he laughed. We were always careful and I was on the pill. We are both young (18 and 19) and know that we don't want to have a family right now. Anyway, when I finally got back to the States, I still felt sick. But I still went through my normal routine and didn't think twice about it. After a few weeks, though, my husband and I decided that maybe the doctor wasn't wrong and that we should think about what we were going to do. We decided that if I was pregnant, the most logical thing to do would be an abortion. I don't know why, but we kept puttingg it off longer and longer. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. According to the doctor on my ship I should have only been about 9 weeks, but when I went to the clinic to confirm my pregnancy, they told me that I was 16 weeks and that if I wanted to have a procedure done, it would take two days. So, me and my husband made arrangements and I signed all of the forms. The first day wasn't bad, after they put the rods into my cervix, I had a little discomfort, but nothingg bad. The second day, however, was terrible. The doctor I had the day before wasn't there so I had to have a male do the procedure. I have only had one sexual partner, so having another man look at me was somewhat unnerving. Anyway, he was not as gentle as the previous doctor, he didn't even wait for me to fall asleep before he started prying open my legs and he didn't even have the decency to put a sheet over my legs! Well, I finally fell asleep, but woke to feel excruciating pain in my abdomen. When I opened my eyes, I saw at least 6 other people in there that had not been there before and the doctor was causing more and more pain. I told him to stop, but the nurse by my head told me to quit being an asshole and it wouldn't hurt so much. At that point I started to scream and the nurse at my head tried to cover my mouth with her hand. It took about ten minutes, but I finally got them to quit, but not before hearing the nurse assisting the doctor say that she was missing a few parts. That was definitely not what I needed to hear. When they finally let me out of the procedure room, I went past the resting room and straight out to where my husband was waiting. I told him what had happened and he tried to ask the doctor what had went wrong, but the doctor said that I was heavily sedated and didn't know what I was talking about. When they finally discharged me, I called the crisis line and told them what had happened. Now, the doctor and the nurse are no longer practicing and the clinic that I went to is under heavy scrutilization. So, if you are planning on having an abortion, please be sure that you know from the start who is all going to be in the room and what type of people they allow to work with them in the clinics or else someone might take advantage of your situation as well.

  • I had just turned 18 years old when my eldest son was born. When I found out I was pregnant the thought of having an abortion never entered my mind. Apart from the fact that I had always been against abortion, this was my child and I promised my growing baby every day that I would protect and love him forever. When he was six months old I ended my relationship with his father because I knew that he would never be able to provide the safe secure environment that I wanted my child to grow up in.

    Three years later I moved away from the small town that I had grown up in and met Gary. Gary was thirteen years me senior and was everything I thought I wanted. Mature, responsible, everything that my son's father hadn't been. But the thing that really drew me to him was the fact that I was a single mother wasn't an issue with him. I moved in with him about a month after we started seeing each other and over the next few months we would casually discuss the prospect of getting married.

    We had been together 10 months when I found out I was pregnant. He was aware of my views and feelings on abortion but, as I learnt over the next few weeks, these meant nothingg to him. We had terrible arguments over it, my thoughts were if we were going to marry anyway why did it matter that I was pregnant, his thoughts were that he didn't want people to think we were marrying just because I was pregnant.

    When we couldn't come to an agreement he arranged for us to go to a family planning clinic to discuss "the problem". The male "councilor" spoke to Gary first. Ten minutes later he called me in to the office. I was advised that the fairest thing for me for all involved was to discontinue the pregnancy as Gary had made it quite clear that he didn't want the child and I didn't have the right to force fatherhood onto him. I already had one child and society doesn't look favorably on single mothers let alone a single mother with children to different fathers. I was devastated I felt that I had nowhere to turn. We fought all the way home and all that night.

    The next morning feeling completely beaten I rang the "family planning clinic' to schedule the termination. "You're in luck I was told we have had a cancellation so we can fit you in tomorrow". The next morning Gary drove me to the clinic in silence. I couldn't help but think that it looked like a maternity ward with all the anxious fathers pacing the corridors waiting for their partners to come out. The necessary documentation was filled out and signed but it was during the exchange of the required cash money that something came over me. I jumped out of my seat and ran out of the clinic, by the time I reached the ground floor I was hysterical and felt so ashamed for having gone as far as I had that I starting dry-reaching. As I opened the car door I was vaguely aware that Gary was behind me and as I went to get into the car he slammed the door shut missing my head by a fraction. From there we went to his paren't's house yelling and screaming all the way. Hours later I agreed to go back again, he threw the car keys at me telling me that I would have to go by myself because he wasn't going to give me the opportunity to make a fool out of him again.

    Once again I walked back into the clinic only this time I was already hysterical. The nurse sat me down and went to get the doctor who had been scheduled to terminate my pregnancy. Out he came, and surprise, surprise it was the same man who had advised me of my options only days beforehand. Because of the state I was in medically he was unable to operate so he re-scheduled for the following Wednesday. In between Gary's burst of abuse and insults I walked through the next three days in a dream-like state.

    Wednesday morning came and in silence we drove back to the clinic. It was a picture perfect day and I remember looking at the trees and the sky and breathing in the scent of the ocean while trying to conceal from Gary the tears for all the children including my child who was never going to be given the opportunity to experience any of it.

    Once again we arrived at the clinic and once again the papers were signed, sealed and delivered and as the nurse stuffed the cash money into her pocket along with the other wad of money already there she directed me to a room so that I could change into the provided theatre cloak. She then informed Gary that she would contact him once the procedure was completed. Not a word was said between us as he left.

    There were approx. 10 other girls in the pre-op room, I was Last on the list. As my time was coming closer I was becoming clearly more distressed and the nurse asked if I would like to ring Gary hoping that he would have changed his mind. He hadn't. His response to my tears and pleading was " Leave if you want to, but I won't be there to pick you up - EVER."

    At 1pm on the 13th of April 1994 I laid on a bed and had my legs placed in stirrups so as to enable Dr. Chetty to scrape my baby out of my body. With tears in her eyes the attending nurse held my hand and assured me everything would be OK. The anesthetist came into the room and placed the needle into a vein in my left hand. I could feel the tears streaming down my face and I was screaming inside - I don't want to do this - I don't want to do this. Dr Chetty then entered the room and I starting verbalizing my thoughts aloud - I don't want to do this- I don't want to do this. He was standing between my legs looking at me and I was crying and saying -I don't want to do this - I don't want to do this, and he said to me "You've gone this far it'll be over before you know it."

    Some time later I woke up and for I split second this sense of relief overwhelmed me because I thought it had all been a dream. Then I opened my eyes and reality came crashing down around me.

    My baby was only 6 weeks gestation at the time I took it's life, "no bigger then a jelly bean..." as Dr Chetty told me. But to me it was my baby, my jelly-bean baby and the love and sorrow I felt for the child I never had the privilege to know will stay with me forever.

  • I was 17 when I found out I was pregnant and had an abortion. I knew after I was only a day late on my 25 day cycle. I told my boyfriend and we went and bought a home test. It was positive. Now the man that told me that he wanted me to have his kids and he was ready to be a dad, was telling me how not ready he was, and how he couldn't be a dad. I was dead set against abortion at first, and my boyfriend was all for it, although he said he would support whatever I chose. It took me until I was 12 weeks pregnant to realize I couldn't have this baby. I couldn't raise it the way I wanted to and couldn't support it. Also, there were my plans, I was going to be a senior in high school, and go on to college, I just couldn't have a baby now. I made an appointment for ten AM. I was going to be put to sleep since I have a low tolerance to pain, so I couldn't eat anything after 12AM the night before. I got to the clinic in the morning, and filled out numerous papers. My boyfriend was there with me. Then I was told to go into another waiting room, where my boyfriend couldn't go. I was so scared. I wanted to back out, but I knew I had to go through with it. I got an ultrasound, and I wanted to look at the pictures, but the technician kind of just whisked them away before I could see them. Then, I got blood taken. The nurse was so nice, and was even making conversation with me about donating blood. then I waited in another room to speak with a counselor. There were about 5 girls in this room, and they were all getting abortions, too. I was wondering if they were as scared as I was. I talked to the counselor, and she opened my folder, and there on top were the ultra sound pictures. I expected them to be hard to decipher like ones I had seen before of my niece, but they weren't. There, clear as day was the little baby I was about to abort. I tried really hard, and didn't let it get to me. Then the counselor walked me to another room where i had to put on a paper gown, put a cap over my hair, and put little booties over my socks. Then in a small waiting room, the size of a walk-in closet, me and 4 other girls waited. We were talking and laughing, and I almost forgot what I was there for. But then, one by one, the other girls started getting called out. I was the Last one since I was furthest along. After they were gone, I really started thinking, and I was really scared. Then it was my turn. I remember the doctors saying that I was going to have to get patosin to make me contract since I was so far along. Since I had never been to a gynecologist, I was very uncomfortable with all these people around me, with nothingg covering me, I tried not to cry as the nurse strapped me into the stirrups. She was very nice, and put my gown between my legs to cover me, but then this female doctor came to "check" me, and left my gown up, for anyone in the hall to see. after this, this nice old man put an IV in, which was very painful, and then he told me I would get sleepy. which I did, immediately. I woke up in about 15 minutes, but it seemed like I had been asleep for hours. the nice old man walked me to the recovery room, and I sat on a reclining chair. I was so drugged, I couldn't talk right, or sit up. The nurse kept telling me I couldn't have any pain medication until I could sit up and talk to her. So after about 15 more minutes, I regained most of my composure, and took 1200 mg of ibuprofen. immediately my cramps started going away. I got dressed, and then hobbled out of the recovery room. My boyfriend was waiting for me, and all I could do when I saw him was cry. He told me that they wouldn't tell him how I was doing, and he was in the waiting room worried for the Last 5 hours. He has been great ever since, and we intend to marry soon. Well that is my story.

  • Its august the 26th today, and instead of typing this to you all i should be holding a 13 day old baby. i found out i was pregnant on the 15th of December 1999. I was estactic...i had wanted a baby since the age of 14..although then it had been impossible. I told my boyfriend of 2 years and a few months...he was shocked...not as happy as me, but he was supportive. I don't know exactly when it happened but i came back down to earth with a bump..I had just started my first year at had my boyfriend. I was earning enough to support myself but not my child. Still, i thought there would be some way about Christmas eve i was sick, it wasn't just morning sickness..i wasn't well. I remember my mother asking me if i had my period and i told her i did. We celebrated the millennium.I said I'd drive my car so know one would start asking why i wasn't drinking.. by the middle of January i couldn't take anymore, I told my mum. She was very supportive and told me we'd make it through it and that it was my choice, i felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Until about a week later,when she started saying to me how she couldn't cope with my dad not knowing and that it was making her ill and that she had to tell him. By this time i had been to see the nurse, she had examined me but hadn't done a scan...she said i had enough time to think about my choice. My mum told my dad, he was surprisingly calm about it. he was obviously upset neither of my paren'ts are too keen on my boyfriend anyway. I don't know the day or date but me and my boyfriend went to the clinic, i had to sign the papers to say i understood what was going to happen and that the day would be the 2nd of February 2000. I cried for the rest of that day. My boyfriend came home from university to go to the clinic with me. My dad took us in his car and left us there. The clinic itself had an unusual feel to it something that will never leave me. I wanted to run from there.I couldn't though in a way i felt numb, like i was paralyzed in some way. We had to be there for 7.30am...after 7and a half hours waiting i got called for my termination as they called it. The next thing i remember was that i was woken upon this thin operation table with bruises all over my stomach my womb hadn't re-contracted at the end and i lost three quarters of a pint of blood. I only presume the bruises were from where they had pressed down on me to stop the bleeding. They had gone downstairs and told my boyfriend there had been complications but that i was alright Mean while i was put on to a drip. thats about as much as i remember of that day.... i still talk to my tummy as if i'm 10 weeks pregnant again, i sometimes cry and sometimes just feel numb about it all. I will feel better one day...finding a web site as loving and caring as this one helps me feel better i send my love to you all R.xxxx

  • At the age of 16 (May of 1999) I found out I was pregnant. I was very happy, and very determined to give my child the best home and family possible. The father of my child seemed to feel the same way except being a little scare; which I thought was normal. May went by, then June came. I started having morning sickness, not just in the morning but all day long. I went on like this till the beginning of July. My boyfriend came home from work and asked me about having an abortion. It really shocked me because he was Catholic and said he was totally against abortions. I told him I couldn't do it, and he told me that I was being selfish. He thought that it would ruin his life and career. He told me it was all my fault that I got pregnant. We fought over this for about a week. He then told me either I have the abortion or he was leaving me after being together for 2 years. I got real scared, and decided to have it done. When I arrived at the clinic I was scared and very nervous. When they called me into the room, I receive 5 mg of Volume, and 2 relieve pain pills. I went into the operating room, and laid down with my feet in the stur ups. The nurse was going to give me an IV to put medication in for pain, but my veins kept rolling, so they went ahead with out it. I got scared and was screaming and by the time I said no don't do it the doctor had began the procedure. It was the worst experience in my life. About 2 months after the abortion my boyfriend left me anyway. After he had abused me emotionally and physically. After he had left me I felt so bad for the abortion, I wanted nothingg more than my baby back with me. I cried and had night mares. Then night mares ended around Dec. 1999 and they have just started back up Last month. I think about it alot. What sex would it have been, what would it have grown up to be? If I hadn't had the abortion my baby would be here with me now. I have a new boyfriend now and there is many nights he sits up with me while I cry for my child. How do I over come this pain and guilt I feel, or will I ever?

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