More Dreams and Nightmares after an abortion.
Here's more dreams Women have shared. The same warning applies to thesee as the other pages. They can be graphic, please skip if you are feeling sensitive! If you want to share your own dream or nightmare after an abortion, the form is at the bottom of the page.Dreams
- Dreams and nightmares seems to be my only companion when I go to bed at night. After the "last resort" event I couldn't help myself but wonder whether my unborn baby is doing well. I frequently has dreams that I was strolling in the park with my baby......feeling so happy. Seems like nothing else in this world matter or exist as long as I have my baby. Then out of nowhere a hand came down and took my baby away. I cried, pleaded, fighted trying to protect my baby but I couldn't. Is this a way god is punishing me for making the unavoidable decision? I can never change the past. What has happened can never be turned back. Each day I feel more guilty and wonder how happy I must be now if my baby is still safe inside of me.....
- About 1 mos. post abortion I had a dream that ,in retrospect,said alot. I dreamt my boyfriend(x now)drove into my driveway with his new girlfriend and "their"new baby. They were on a motorcycle and she was on the back just holding the baby in her arms as they drove around on the highway. To make a long explanation short....that baby was at risk.....the parents should have known better. My unborn child,will never be harmed......
- "WARNING" Graphic - My most reoccurring dream is that I'm in the hospital after giving birth and the nurse comes to me and takes my baby and sticks a hook in it's brain. The baby cries and then my dream ends.....
- About a month after my abortion I dreamt that I was in a room with three people. They were my mother and my grand mother and a man that I could not see his face. My mother was holding a baby. A baby boy with blonde hair and a bright green shirt on. She and my grandmother were talking to him and playing with him, then my mother handed the baby over to me and I knew that it was mine.(the one that I did not have) When she handed him to me he looked up at me and smiled a beautiful smile and his littlee hand reached up and touched my face on my cheek then he babbled a littlee bit. After that I had to hand him to the unknown man and he took him away. In a way this dream was so comforting because my baby was happy in my dream and the way that he touched my face was to me a way of saying "It's ok I know you did what was best for me and you". I always remember that dream when I am feeling down and depressed, in a small way it makes me feel like even though I regret doing what I did I know that my baby is ok and he is in heaven with the Lord.
- After my abortion I asked the nurse what happens to the fetus. She told me they burn them. That is how I started having nightmares. These last 9 months the same one over and over. I can see this big glass jar filled with blood and a body. That is my baby. She starts screaming so loud as she rolls down a conveyer belt type thing into a large fiery pit. Her cries are so loud I wake up sometimes screaming myself. It is very scary. I have not slept good since.
- In my dream I'm in a house that I've never really seen. I guess I made it up for the dream. My boyfriend and his friend are sitting in front of a computer and they won't let me see what's going on. And I get angry because they're keeping something from me. I kind of go back into the corner and hide so they can't see me. I can catch glimpses of what they're doing but I can't see all of it. Then, my b/f gets up to go to the bathroom and his friend goes to have a smoke. I sneak to the computer and go into the history and see where they've been. One of them said something about "See an abortion" and so I clicked on that. It was a video clip and I watched it. It was a baby being aborted through the suction method. A clinic had inserted one of those internal surgery cameras during an abortion and then posted it on the internet. I watched in horror as the littlee suction probe went in and the fetus looked scared. It was tiny and had littlee stubs for arms and legs. It kept moving back away from the probe and it just looked scared. Then the probe grabbed a hold of it and ripped it to shreds piece by piece. It was loud and all of the pieces of the baby were gone except the spinal cord. The spinal cord was completely formed and in tact. the probe came back and took the spinal cord out. Then the video stopped. My b/f came back and looked nervous and told me he didn't want me to see that. I told him it was fucked up to download something like that knowing about me. And his friend turned to him and said, "Yeah, especially when it's a video of her abortion." I was confused and my b/f gave his friend a look like he was going to kill him. I replayed the video and down at the bottom of the clip was all the doctor stuff, like length of fetus, gestation week, etc. And then it said "Patient: SMT (with my full last name)" In my dream I had watched a complete video of my own baby being torn to shreds during the abortion. That is the worst nightmare I think I could ever have.
- I dream that i am running around in this crowded park and i am holding a dead fetus in my hands. No matter how much i scream and cry no one seems to hear me. All i want is help and for some one to help my baby johnathan. but in the end it's too late for him.
- Although my dreams are becoming less frequent I still struggle to aquire a "good" night of sleep. It seems as if my dreams come and go in spells. Sometimes they last for months with no end. My most vivid dream is when my family, all of who knew about my abortion, is gathered around me holding hands in a circle. The father of my dead child is standing in front of me screaming and yelling with the rest of the group for my to kill myself as I hold a gun in my mouth crying.
In another one of my many dreams I am standing in the hallway of a house. All of the doors in the hall are closed and I hear my child screaming. I race throughout the hall trying to open every door, but am unable to rescue my child.
Another dream I have about my unborn child is that I gave birth to him. I am constantly loving my baby as I try to reveal him to my family who refuses to look at him. I scream in rage for answers to why the will no accept him.
The most frustrating dream I have is the one where I'm having the abortion all over again. I wake up in a cold sweat, gasping for air, and clenching my stomach.
- Since I had my abortion 2 weeks ago, I have been plagued by a plethora of different emotions. Recently different dreams have come to me, but there is one that has stuck with me more than any other. I am in a new house, unpacking boxes like I was just moving in there. And then I get a knock on the door and there are all of thesee delivery men bringing in all kinds of different things. First I see a highchair, then a crib, a bassinet, and stuffed animals. They are all black with moons and stars on them. I start crying, telling them that I won't need them anymore because my baby won't be coming... I'm begging them to take everything away, and the whole house is full of this stuff. Then I look down in the crib and I see the most beautiful littlee baby. He's got blue eyes and curly brown hair. I pick him up, and he smiles at me. I'm crying so much that I just clutch him to me, singing to him, smelling his sweet skin and hair. He's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Then am man comes in and takes him away from me, and I'm screaming as he's taken out of the house. I remember waking up with tears coming out of my eyes, and I couldn't remember falling asleep after that. I'm haunted by this dream, and this baby... when I look at children in public, I think I see him... I wonder if that's what my baby looked like...
- I have nightmares all the time about my baby. Sometimes I dream about being at the clinic again, other times I have the baby and someone takes it away from me. The most recent one I had, I was pregnant again. I was so happy that I was going to get to have my baby this time. Well, I went into labor, but I was so scared about giving birth and decided that I wanted to wait a littlee longer. I begged the Dr. to stop the labor but she couldn't and wouldn't so I had the baby. But when the baby was born, it was dead. I just sat up and leaned over and stared at it. It was so blue and tiny. I was crying and the Dr. looked at me and said I didn't deserve this baby anyway since I killed my first one. My friend was pregnant in the dream also, and she miscarried that day and everyone blamed it on me. No one would speak to me. It was awful.
- i had this dream about 3 months after my abortion.I had gotten pregnant again and my mom supported me but when i went in to labor it flashed to my dead baby, except he was about 4. he smiled at me and we just stared. ever since that i try to picture his precious face but i hate myself even a littlee bit more now that I've seen him
- Ever since my three abortions i dream a lot about blood. one time i dreamed that i was on a skateboard on the street under a bridge and there was this head just laying there with its blood and guts all underneath my feet and i couldn't get away from it. it went for miles and miles and miles. the worst dream was a few weeks ago when i dreamed that my sister brought in a clear box with a yellow lid. she told me that it was my baby inside. me and my boyfriend(the father of all 3 abortions)just kept pretending like it wasn't there until finally i asked him to open the box and see if it was still alive. so he opened the box and there was this bloody baby laying there all cut up. but he was still breathing.so,we cleaned him off and i started feeding him some milk. then all of the sudden he got really heavy and mean and when I'd pick him up he'd kick and scream. he got really big and had the scariest look on his face. i was deathly afraid of him. meanwhile, my boyfriend was on the back porch getting drunk saying that he had to leave to go hunting. i then woke up. i also dream a lot that i am pregnant and about to have a baby, but i am not showing because the baby is dead inside.
- It was two weeks after my 16th birthday when I was forced to have an abortion. I am now going on 25. After my abortion, my parents treated me like it never happened. Which is why I think the nightmares started. My baby would have been due around May 25th of 1992. When I found out I was pregnant I was happy. Then it all turned into hell. A week after the abortion I would wake up in night sweats. Not understanding why, I cured it with taking Excedrin PM to help me sleep. When I got married in 1996 and pregnant with my first son the nightmares began again. I would wake up screaming for my husband to take me to the hospital, I just knew I was losing my baby. Finally, I made myself go through the dream. It always started with me feeling like I was in labor. I would run to the bathroom and find baby body parts in the toilet or in my underwear. Or I would be in labor and parts of my baby would come out peace by peace. The abortion really shook me up. When my son was born, healthy, the nightmares still continued. They would go from checking on my baby to find him dead -to dropping my baby and splattering his body on the floor. I went through the same thing when my second son was born. I am getting better. The ironly of it all is that my first son was born May 15th 1997 almost five years to the due date of my first pregnancy. This helped me alot. I figured God gave me and my aborted baby another chance to be together. That he waited for me to be ready for him. I hope this letter helps any teens or women like me know that they are not alone, like I have felt for so many years.
- 9 DAYS AGO ,I HAD AN ABORTION. THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BE OKAY,TILL 3 DAYS LATER,WHEN THE NIGHTMARES STARED. IN THESE DREAMS I'M LOOKING DOWN FROM MY HEAD,TOWARDS MY LEGS,AND I CAN SEE THE TUBE AND THE BLOOD AND BODY PARTS GOING THREW IT. THEN I START SEEING BLOOD AND BODY PARTS EVERYWHERE I LOOK. THEN SLL KINDS OF THINGS KEEP HAPPENING ALL FAST,LIKE PEOPLE IN MY FACE YELLING AND SHOWING ME ABORTED BABIES,AND I HEAR BABY CRIES IN THE BACKGROUND, THEN THAT'S WHEN I WAKE UP CRYING AND SWEATING, AFRAID TO CLOSE MY EYES, AFRAID TO GET UP AND GO TO THE BATHROOM. THEN AFTER AWHILE, I SEE AND HEAR ALL THIS WITH MY EYES OPEN. I STARTED TO WONDER IF I WAS GOING CRAZY...THIS WENT ON FOR 3 MORE DAYS, SOMETHING DIFFERENT EVERY NIGHT.I'D CRY BEFORE I WENT TO BED BECAUSE I WAS SO AFRAID OF WHAT I WAS GOING TO SEE. I KIND OF REGRET IT,BECAUSE I WANT ANOTHER CHILD,BUT THIS WAS JUST BAD TIMING. SO WHAT I DID WAS DID ALOT DURING THE DAY TO KEEP MY MIND OFF OF THINGS AND IT HELPED.IT HELPED WITH THE NIGHTMARES ANYWAY. I STARTED DOING TAEBO AGAIN AND CONSTANTLY CLEANING THE HOUSE,AND SPENDING ALL KINDS OF TIME WITH MY SON. SOMETIMES IN THE DAY THINGS GET ROUGH,LIKE I HEAR A BABY CRYING OR I SEE SOMETHING ON TV THAT CATCHES MY ATTENTION,WHY I WATCH IT ,I DONT KNOW.TIME WAS THE REASON I HAD TO GIVE IT UP, SO I GUESS TIME IS WHAT IT'LL TAKE TO GET THROUGH THIS.....HOPE THIS HELPS=)
- I've dreamt this, and also experienced it during the day - the day I had my "A", there were protesters screaming and yelling. (This is real) I ran around the fence to get away from them, the fence was covered with cloth so they were blocked from the parking lot, i was so relieved to be away from them, but as soon as I rounded the fence, there was another mob on the other side of the lot with signs, screaming at me, and as I approached the door, there was a hole in the fence and they were yelling at me. Now I'm jumpy whenever I walk around a corner, or see any kind of protesters, even on the news. And thesee protesters have just been in the background of random dreams screaming at me dont kill a member of your own family and they're just gonna put your baby in a trash bag. And i made the mistake of glimpsing at one of their huge pictures of an aborted fetus, and I see it all the time. I always wake up crying. Its only been a week.
- I have never really had a dream, or a nightmare, but I do have what I call "night occurrences". I have had two abortions, one at 17 and another at 20. About a month after my 2nd abortion I discovered I was pregnant again. I went into a deep state of denial about even being pregnant because I didn't want to even live with having to make that kind of decision again. Finally at about 5 months into my pregnancy, I decided to go ahead and continue my pregnancy and give birth. In July 1996 I gave birth to twin girls. It was when they became toddlers that the night occurrences began. One of them would call out "Mommy" in the middle of the night and immediately I would feel myself slip into this state of panic. I am paralyzed, and I feel hot and tingly all over. My breathing becomes rapid, and all I can think is I can't wait for them to stop calling me. I don't want them to need me. And then I feel horrible. Also when my daughters were first born, I had this crazy intense fear that the youngest twin would die unexpectantly. I had no logical basis for this fear--my girls were born amazingly healthy.
- Every time I closed my eyes for the first two weeks after the abortion that happened a month ago, I kept seeing myself on that table. I kept remembering feeling in a twilight and saying afterwards - is it over?? I could not sleep for 5 days straight cause every time I closed my eyes I kept envisioning that. I was terrified to fall asleep. At times I when I am at work, or am at home by myself, I for no reason go into an oblivion and have thesee littlee attacks where every time I close my eyes or try look up or anywhere I see myself on that table.
- My dream has been repeated so many times over the years...I can wake myself up now. The dream starts in an old three story house. Sometimes I'm in the back of the house, sometimes I'm just driving up, sometimes I am already in the house. Big, white, clean, hardwood floors beautifully decorated. I always think that it is a good dream. Then I start up the beautiful winding stairs, I am apprehensive but still go up the stairs. I finally make it to the room on the third floor, the room is completely empty. There is only a white box under the window across the room. I walk into the room. I am never alone, someone is always with me. That part is ironic considering the complete feelings of isolation I have had all of thesee years. Anyway, I walk to the box. Sometimes I hear a baby crying and I quickly open the box only to find it empty. Other times I have opened the box to find baby clothese. Other times I have found a dead baby. Other times I have found my old bloody clothese. I stand over the box crying and these intensity wakes me up. This has been a recurring dream for many years. I have been asleep in the house downstairs only to be awakened by someone to go up the stairs. The other night I finally saw who was with me. It was my ex. We have not seen or spoken for 13 years. He held my had and we walked into the room together. Then I woke up.
- well I have this dream all the time that my friend is having an abortion and she is yelling to me that she doesn't want it done and the doctor tell's us that it's too late. That it is almost completely out. And my friend jumps up and yells no. That it's not right to have an abortion. She always says that how can people get pregnant and kill there babies. If you can make the mistake then you should live with that mistake. And that's what she did.
- I have had recurrent night "terrors" almost every night since my abortion. You really don't remember the nightmare at all, but I wake up actually running from "something". I am shaking, my heart is beating abnormally fast and I am sweating. However, one time I remember I woke up( I was having a night terror) and thought I saw a child covered in blood in front of me. I ran out of the house and could not go back in for hours. I have never really recovered from this "dream". However since I have started counseling I haven't had one of thesee in almost three weeks.
- My dream begins with me walking through my church. As i am walking I see the man who would have been my baby's father. In my dream is white but he is really a black man. In my dream I am still pregnant, I see him and he begins yelling at me because he has heard that I am going to have an abortion. Then he starts pushing me until I fall. While I am on the ground he rips the baby out of my stomach, holds it over me and walks away, leaving me to die on the floor of the church.
- there is only one that I'd like to share. i dreamed this a few months after my second abortion which came only a year after my first, and i can't now recall now the utter peace it brought me then...i only dreamed that I'd carried my fetus to term and given birth. and i could only stare into her gaping blue baby eyes and say, "you are so beautiful, so beautiful."
- I have two different dreams...
The first is the dream I had before I knew I was pregnant. I was in a crashing plane. The stewardess sat a young, scared child in my lap and told me to take care of her.The plane made a crash landing.On the way down the roof came off. We crash landed ok, but I couldn't find the child.I woke up in a panic and took my positive test the next day. It's strange how your body can know what's going on before you do. This is the dream i still have. It's disturbing, so don't read it if you think it will upset you... I'm lying on the table about to have the abortion. Beside me instead of the nurse there is this freaky looking clown trying to distract me. I panic and say I've changed my mind. The doctor says it's too late. She has a tray of stuff that she got from me. something is still moving and she is stabbing at it with her prongs.
- i have the same dream over and over again, that i am lying on the doctors table after the abortion in a pool of blood. screaming my ex-boyfriends name out to help me, but he never comes
- Amy
I had an abortion one year and three months ago today. I almost always start my period on this date of the month-a littlee reminder of what I have done I suppose. Anyway, since my abortion I have dreams of a baby crying but when I go to comfort it, I cannot find it. Sometimes the cry is a normal baby's cry and other times it sounds like a baby crying the word "why" over and over again. Other dreams I have include being able to feel my baby moving in my swollen belly(I have two sons and loved to feel them kicking me) but when I wake up my belly is flat and I feel so empty. I also dream that I am in labor and when I push to expel the baby the doctors and nurses are laughing at me because there is no baby, just water.
- It has been six years since I had the abortion and I didn't start having bad dreams until two years after the abortion when I was sixteen well there was this one where there is nothing but dead fetuses on the ground and they bodies are torn apart and I have to walk all over them to get out of wherever I am It is totally disgusting then there is this dream where there are dead babies hanging from a tree I did have this one dream though where I did have a baby and it is just ended it getting to me. I mean it felt so real I remember thinking in my dream like oh my god that baby is really mine and thinking my baby is so white and then there are other dreams where the abortion happens all over again and I want to stop it but I cant. These same dreams happen over and over again and they make me feel so empty inside.
- Dawn:
I HAD A DREAM AFTER MY ABORTION IT WAS THE SAME ALMOST EVERYTIME I WAS PREGNANT LIKE ALMOST DUE AND AS I WAS TO GIVE BIRTH IT DIDN'T COME OUT I HAD MANY OF THESE DREAMS BEFORE I NOTICED IT WAS DUE TO THE TRAUMA OF MY ABORTION NOW I HAVE DREAMS OF BEING PREGNANT AND PLANNING FOR IT LIKE I HAVE MY OWN FAMILY.BECAUSE I AM HAVING THE REPLACEMENT BABY FEELINGS I WANT A BABY BAD SO DREAM IT.
- I HAD MY ABORTION ON MAY 27TH AND SINCE I HAVE HAD MANY MANY DREAMS ABOUT BABIES BUT THE ONE I HAD LAST NIGHT, I HAD DREAM IT BEFORE. i WAS WITH MY SISTER IN THE CAR AND WHILE GOING ON A HILL I SEE A LITTLE BOY ON THE SIDE OF THE STREET, BY HIS HOUSE AND I GET OF AND GET HIM AND TAKE HIM TO HIS MOTHER INSIDE HIS HOUSE, (HE IS LIKE IN HIS TWO'S) WHEN I GO IN THE HOUSE HIS MOTHER IS TALKING TO A FRIEND AND HAS NOT EVEN NOTICED HER KID IS WONDERING OFF OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. THAT GETS ME MAD AND THEN I START SAYING "WHAT KIND OF MOTHER IS THAT, THAT HASN'T EVEN NOTICED HER KID IS IN DANGER". AND THEN I WOKE UP, THE IRONY OF MY STORY IS THAT I AM NO DIFFERENT THAN HER, I COULDN'T KEEP THE TINY PERSON INSIDE ME SAVE, INSTEAD I KILLED IT. HOW COULD I TELL THAT LADY SOMETHING IF I DID WRONG TOO. I KNOW I WILL NEVER FORGET THIS B/C THE DAY IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BORN WOULD HAVE BEEN ON MY B-DAY.
- Name: Jen
I had a dream that I was in labor with my baby. It was so real like I was really having it. When i woke up, I almost expected to be in labor. I was in a bad mood all day after that dream
- Name: SMT
I had an extremely graphic nightmare once. I was babysitting my niece and she said she needed to go potty. I let her go into the bathroom connected to my parents room. After a few minutes, I decided she must be playing around and I went in to get her. She was on the floor looking at a magazine and she looked up and said, "Look Auntie, this dolly moves". I told her to come on and I looked at the doll on the way out. Sure enough it's eyes were moving and it was starting to pull it's body off of the page. I slammed the door and locked it and then ran out and locked the bedroom door too. I told my niece to sit in the living room and color. She did and I went to call the police. The police emergency answered and it was one of those "..for break in press 1, for rape press 2, for all other emergencies press 3..." and I got fed up and hung up. When I went into the living room again my niece was gone. I walked into the den and the bloody, limp body of my niece was dangling by a rope from the ceiling and the paper doll was dancing beneath her. I had this nightmare about a year after my abortion. I had a nightmare between the one and two year anniversary. Theree was a littlee girl jump roping at the end of a driveway. I remember watching her and feeling love for her and feeling that she was safe. Suddenly, the littlee girl looking up at me and her face was bloodied and she said in a sad, sweet voice," Mommy, why did you leave me?". I also had a dream that was very uplifting. I was a glowing ball of silver light and on the other side of the "highway" of small golden balls which were zooming back and forth, was a ball made of rainbow lights. I wanted so badly to get there, but the "traffic" wouldn't let me. I felt sad and angry because I couldn't reach it no matter how hard I tried. The rainbow ball felt familiar and warm and somewhat in pain. I wanted to get to it and comfort it. And I wanted it to comfort me too. Finally, the rainbow ball lifted up over the "traffic" and I met it. Our lights intertwined and we became one ball of silver and rainbow lights. Suddenly I felt warm and relieved. I felt forgiven and the rainbow ball no longer felt pain. I no longer felt pain. We danced together in that dream and I'll never forget it. I've always thought of that as a message from my baby. I had this dream in the middle of a time period near the two year anniversary when I was having many suicidal thoughts and was put on antidepressants.
- Name: Lisa
Since I terminated my pregnancy (3 months ago tomorrow) I have had nightmares, where I keep seeing the faces of the women that were there in the clinic with me(terminating their pregnancies) and faces of the staff at the clinic. I also have nightmares about things that were said while I was there. It is really scary, like reliving the whole thing while I sleep. most recently I have had nightmares that someone is after me or is out to hurt me. In one in particular, I was shot in the chest and bleeding to death.
- i had a dream shortly after the abortion. i saw two coffins. one coffin had a baby in it and the other had a man in it. their name was Michael. i knew then i would have had a boy. i think about that dream as if it happened yesterday.
- I was on the operational table and the doctor ripped the baby out of my stomach. I still cannot sleep because of this dream.
- The first night after my abortion, I dreamt that I drove across a freshly-planted farmers field in my car and ruined it. Before I feel asleep, I had frightening flashbacks to my mother's death when I was 13 -- that was 26 years ago. I didn't sleep well for nights afterwards.
- Of the "nightmares" I've had one was actually comforting. I was sleeping with my son on my stomach. He seemed to know more than me and was comforting me while we slept. It was real like he was really there. When I woke up I tried to go back to sleep to revisit that dream but it didn't work. I did however, feel at peace for most of that day.
- Anonlymous
I had this dream about a week after my abortion. I was laying in the bed of the actual abortion clinic I had been at. Everything was so real. The doctor was the one that had actually performed my abortion. I was laying there with a huge stomach. My stomach had been kind of big at the time of my abortion too. He just pulled the baby out of me. It was a real baby. Like it had been in there for nine months. He pulled it out of me and I started screaming. Then I woke up. Also I was half asleep one morning when my neighbor was vacuuming his car out and that sound scared me so much and brought back horrible pictures in my head of me laying on that table, in pain, watching it happen. Just thought I'd share.
- Anonlymous
I have a reoccurring dream that I've killed someone and am trying to hide the body. I can't really see the body, but I know that it's a dead body - more like an adult, not a child. I am looking all over the house or building where I am in the dream for a hiding place for the body. In my dream I'm afraid my parents or other people will find the body and I'll have to go to jail. I think this relates to having an abortion and not telling anyone for over 17 years. Even after talking with friends finally, I still have the dream.
- Someone Scared
Well it has been just over a week since my abortion and I have not slept since. I know that it was the right choice because I am only 21. My dream is I am walking down at my favorite park in town and I am pushing my child (the one I did not have) all of a sudden it gets all dark and I hear my child screaming and calling me but there is nothing that I can do he just gets farther and farther away screaming mommy, mommy help me. And I just stand there and don't do nothing, I let him get away.
- Anonlymous
I've had two reoccurring dreams. One is that my boyfriend and I were in a store with my baby (the one I never had). I had her in a stroller and I turned away for a moment and when I looked back, she wasn't there anymore. And I couldn't find here anywhere. The second dream is that I carried my baby until the due date. I went to the hospital thinking I was going to have my baby. It seemed so real, all my family was there and the doctors were talking like it'd be any second. Then, I was told that I didn't I wasn't pregnant and I should go home.
Today is the 5 year anniversary of my abortion. It is strange because I have been dreading this day for the past month, yet when I woke up this morning I did not even realize what day it was until I had been awake for over 3 hours. Then I felt guilty for not remembering... But I guess I did remember, subconsciously, because just before I woke up, I had a dream. In the dream I was walking down a sidewalk with my best friend. In front of us was a littlee girl, about 4, with light blonde hair, and she was looking back at me and smiling. She was very beautiful. Then we went into a littlee shop and started looking at kid's clothese for my "littlee boy", and I got upset because I did not know what size clothese to get, and I was asking other shoppers in the store what size to get because I just could not picture him. I knew how old he was but did not know how big he was. A lady stopped and help me pick out some things as if it was not strange at all that I didn't know what size clothese my own son wore. That was the end.... I had two abortions, and the first, which is the anniversary for today, in my mind was a girl who would be about 41/2. The second, whose anniversary is upcoming, was a boy about 2. So in my dream the littlee girl walking with us was my first, and I was shopping for clothese for my littlee boy. But I cannot picture him..., which is why I could not pick out the right clothese.
I had a rather odd dream last week. Don't know if it is all the stress getting to me or not. It just was a really strange one. In this dream I was a robin and Mark was in it also. He was a bluebird. Anyway, we decided to set up a nest together even though we were sure everyone would talk about two 'different' kinds of birds setting up a nest together and might be against it. Then one day we come back and there are 4 eggs in the nest. Kind of a shock and then panic. What should we do?!? We decide that all we can do is push the eggs out of the nest. And as we get ready to do it, I woke up. Bizarre, huh? Just had to share, it had been bothering me for a while.....
Does anyone else have nightmares about the abortion or nightmares that can somehow be traced back to their pregnancy? i go through stages of thesee horrific dreams. they used to get so bad that I'd be afraid to go to bed. they're not always about pregnancy, but often they are. do any of you watch south park? i had one that may sound funny but actually scared me after watching south park last Wednesday. you know kyle's littlee brother, ike, whose head comes apart when he talks? well, i had a baby like that. i was 36 weeks pregnant and i cut open my stomach with a pair of scissors from work. this cartoonish-looking thing that resembled ike came out, and then got hit by a car. mine was a girl, though. i remembered being very sad but also relieved that because it had been hit by a car, no one would have to know that my baby's head came apart when she talked. it sounds stupid now, but i didn't like it at the time. I've also had dreams of doing careless things like putting my baby's car seat on top of the car and driving off with the baby on top of the car, sticking my baby in a corner between my bed and the wall and forgetting about her, one where my mom was pregnant and gave birth to a stuffed animal, etc. am i crazy, should i stop watching south park, or is this potentially normal? from what I've researched, it sounds close to post-traumatic stress disorder. i believe PASS is a form of this disorder specific to abortion. i used to get so scared of the dreams I'd sometimes drive to my boyfriend's house late at night for fear of being alone. at his house, i never had the dreams, i guess i felt safer. for a long time, i hesitated to go on any trips where I'd have to sleep away from home or at friends' places, for fear I'd scream crazy stuff in the middle of the night. this has mostly improved over time, but occasionally dreams will come back. for a while, i slept with public radio on all night because i seemed to have better dreams with the music on. now i have this littlee device that plays ocean sounds, rain, etc. that seems to help a bit.
Nightmares I can recall: Before my pregnancy, I had dreams I would have a baby, then I find myself at a nightclub, and dancing, and then say, "Oh, I left my baby at home alone!! I forgot I had a baby!" After my abortion I had a sad dream: I had sex with someone after the abortion, and used no protection, went to my gynecologist, and had a positive pregnancy test. I thought, "wow, I am fertile, and thank God I got pregnant again because now I dont have to think about it, and I have something to look forward to, instead of wallowing every day... etc. etc." My gynecologist, a very kind woman, said, "honey, I am so sorry...... you are not pregnant, that is just left over hcg from your abortion.." I went home feeling sad and extremely empty. This nightmare occurred 1 day after the abortion. I woke up distraught, knew I had a long road ahead of me, and instead of facing it, decided to get pregnant again. Not with my current abortion boyfriend of course, because we were now extremely cautious. So I broke up... and got inseminated. Your nightmares, Stella, sound horrible, and I feel sorry for you. They will calm down , I am sure. The only dreams I have are I am pregnant again dreams.
It had some of the same elements. It was at a time when I was just so sad, about a month or 2 after my abortion. I fell into a weird, deep sleep from my upset state and had this dream. In my dream, there was a girl of about 2, with dark curls and brown eyes. Even though my baby would not yet have been born, I knew it was her. In real life, I had purchased a garnet charm of a littlee girl in memory of her, she was due in January and I felt she was a girl. In the dream, she was wearing a garnet-red dress and had charms like the one I had in her ears as earrings and around her neck as a necklace. That was how I knew it was her. She looked beautiful and happy and I knew then that she did not resent me for what I did. Theree were butterflies in my dream, too, and bright colors. In my art class, I painted a picture of a "butterfly girl" and that's who I was thinking about when I made it. Gosh, I'm crying now even thinking about my dream, it happened at a time when I really needed it and I really do think that was God's way of showing me that she was okay and I did not need to worry. I don't know if I'm crying because I'm sad that she's not here or because I'm glad that she's okay. I guess it's both.
i wanted to tell you about my dream i had last night. well first i lit a few candles and i asked for my lost baby to come to me in my dream and tell me how she was doing...and if she was ok. well i had the strangest dream. i had a dream that this littlee girl about five with long brown curly hair and beautiful hazel eyes in a white dress came running up this path to me. and hugged me and smiled at me. the path was lined with all sorts of flowers and butterflies and trees that were soo green more green theni can say.. the oath wond around and she took my hand and i walked with her she just smiled at me,we didn't say anything. theni saw Jim,(my boyfriends dad who died last year.) on the path around the bend. i picked up the littlee girl and hugged her tight and Jim smiled at me and he held his arms out. i could smell her hair and it smelled soo sweet like roses only better..... and her hair was sooo soft. and she looked at me and smiled and looked back at Jim. and Jim walked over to me and he put his hand on my shoulder and the littlee girl kissed my cheek & reached over and went to Jim. then i saw my grandmother coming around the path, i was getting upset that he was taking her... and she came over to me and she touched my check and hugged me.. Jim let the littlee girl down and held her hand.. my grandma took her other hand and they smiled. theni i knew that she would be ok. and they started to walk along the path back into the light where i can't see them anymore. and they were gone.. i walked back down the path and the flowers and trees got uglier as i went down... and i walked until i woke up today. and i feel alot better..... it like i know she is with them.. and safe...
I have had dreams about losing my children. The scariest one is that I wake up and no one knows who I am talking about, there is not a trace of my two living children except in my memory. Its scary to me.. It was like they just went away, yes I even felt relieved that I wasn't really a mom and it was all just a dream?? I also have dreams that this gruesome monster is after my children and I wind up waking them in the middle of the night terrorizing them.. I have had several dreams where I was pregnant and gave birth to an empty amniotic sac, which is terrifying. I am pregnant now and alot of my fears are coming out but now I have to deal with them. I think by far the dreams I have where my children disappear and/or are just lost and I walk off like it doesn't matter scare me the most!! I have also had a dream where I was nursing one of the twins and she just fell apart into a bloody mass, that or she and the other who was in the bassinet just vanished.. And I have dreams of having them outside the house in the road they are in danger and I can feel it and sometimes I run to them and sometimes I run away but i never move from the spot I am on... I get stuck.. I had one dream where my little e girl started hitting me and telling me she hated me because I broke her babies??? yes I think we all have nightmares.. i think it is normal and it a normal thing that I would love to go back in time and change.. I want me back.. i really do.
I have had nightmares similar to the ones you described. But once I went through the post-abortion therapy, most of the nightmares stopped. I still have a scary one now and then (if I spend too much time on-line talking to abortion-rights activists or if I learn about some new abortion method).Both my husband and I have had the nightmares about our children being gone or in danger. I never really thought of the possibility of those nightmare themes being related to the abortion. But I think you're right - it could be related. I have heard that sometimes post-aborted women are more over-protective than normal. My husband and I are both the most overprotective people we know! (My husband jokes that we are raising our daughters like veal.) And one of my sisters (who had a 2nd trimester saline abortion) is also very overprotective. By contrast, my pro-choice sisters want their children to be extremely independent and never pass up any opportunity to have their children spend time away from them. I have a niece that has already gone to summer-sleep-away-camp even though she is only 7. My daughter who is about to turn 13 doesn't want my husband and I to take a walk around the block leaving her "home alone" with her two sisters. (But a lot of why we're so careful is because we travel a LOT and don't have a "hometown" or relatives/long-term-friends nearby.)
My worst nightmares I've only shared with a few people. But they were a lot like some of the ones you described. The symptoms (including nightmares) do fade with therapy and time. I sometimes dream that I am pregnant and am headed for an abortion clinic. That dream is pretty upsetting to me. I also have some dreams that a small helpless animal (like a baby bunny or a bird) has been entrusted to my care and that I have neglected to care for them properly. I feel compelled to rescue and care for injured small animals. I once even made a large snake give up the toad it was trying to swallow - yuck. Sometimes I'm hesitant to even take a walk because I might encounter some critter needing help.
When I was a littleer girl I loved the stories about tiny people (like Thumbelina, Tom Thumb,and the Borrowers). It's really disturbing to me that the baby I aborted was fully formed and about the size a standard sized dollhouse baby would be. My husband and I collect and make miniatures and we are planning a miniature nursery room memorial for our aborted baby. Have you read the children's story book called "Rainbabies" by Laura Krauss Melmed? It has wonderful illustrations (by Jim LaMarche) of tiny babies that an elderly childless couple find and care for. I once had a tiny pet finch and one day my husband put the nozzle to the vacuum cleaner inside the bird cage (while the bird was in the cage!) to vacuum the bottom of the cage. I totally freaked out. I practically went hysterical. I didn't know at the time why I was overreacting but I understand now.
Usually now I rarely have bad dreams. My daughters and I are figure skaters and a nightmare to us is dreaming that we're on a hockey team - LOL.
Want to share your dream after your abortion? You can submit it using the form below.
