Stories from Women who've had abortions
Please remember as stated on the first page that these are the stories of many individual women, and are their personal views and feelings. Some have many different views, and different ideas about their experience. You may not agree with what they are feeling, or what they say. That's okay! The idea here is just to give women a chance to be heard about how they feel. If you've had an abortion, and need to talk about it right away, you can check out the I need to talk now! section
If you are interested in submitting your story, here's the link to Tell Your Story
- I had my abortion December 5, 2000. I am 30 years old and was living with my boyfriend. We both were anxious to have children and a family, and I had stopped taking my birth control pills on purpose. Well in the mean time, I also had stopped taking my antidepressant medication about 3 months prior to this. My BF and I had started really arguing and I just wanted out of life together. He had mentioned several times that he wanted to end things, and the last time I said fine. Well it was about a week after that I found out I was pregnant. My first response was to just have the abortion and not tell him about being pregnant. We were separated for Thanksgiving and all I could think about was the weight on my chest of not telling him. I knew deep down we both wanted the baby and how he would respond when I told him. Two days after Thanksgiving he returned home and I told him probably 10 minutes after walking through the front door. And he responded just like I had always dreamed. He was very happy and proud. We went and bought another pregnancy test just to make sure, and he mounted it on a cork board and hung it above his desk at home. He called his friends and family telling them how we were going to have a baby, cancelled his arrangements for moving out. We were both happy. We went to my family that night and told them we were keeping the baby. My family was so angry (because I had been bitching to them for the last month about how angry I was at him). My mother told me she would wash her hands of me. My sister and her husband told me they didn't want me to be the god parent of my niece. I felt so trapped and so scared. I was scared to give up my family for the man who I had been fighting so bad with. I made the horrible decision after being broke down by my parents to abort the baby to keep things right with them. This was definitely the worst mistake of my entire life. Even though it's been over 2 months since the abortion I am still an emotional wreck. I have lost 25 pounds in 2 months from not eating. I constantly cry and can barely function. Everytime I take my anti depressant medication I can't help but think of taking an over dose and ending this pain. Now everytime I get upset about something I vomit from stress. The only reason I'm feeling slightly better is because I have reunited with my ex, and realize that I was completely out of control. The things we were arguing about were because of my depression. Then adding on a pregnancy and the hormones. I was completely out of my mind. I now realize I am still in love with him. Which also makes it hard because I ache to have that baby with us. I would be like 4 months pregnant and be giving birth this July. That Tuesday December 5th, at the abortion clinic. It was like an out of body experience. My sister took me there to have it. After all the tests (including an ultrasound of the baby) to see how far along I was...I was told to put on a gown and go sit in a very cold room where there was a TV on. I will never forget was on the TV (Ricki Lake on the subject "Are You My Daddy...DNA results". I was so angry, how could they have something like this on. I was so scared and nervous. I wanted so bad to run out of the room, out of the building and say forget it. But all I could think about is how disappointed my family would be at me. I never took the time to think about ME, my BABY or the BABY's father.
I was the first procedure of the morning. I was led into the operating room, told to lay on the table. The doctor came in an examined me real quick and gave the OK, I was then administered IV drugs to be put out. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room. The most traumatic part was when they told me to get dressed. I went in to take off the gown, only to find the inside of my thighs covered in dry blood all over. I was in such shock. I thought my God what have I done. What went on while I was sleeping. While they put the IV drugs in me, all I prayed to God, that he would take me with my baby. That I did not deserve to live on this earth without my Baby. I had gone to a counseling session with a private counselor beforee the abortion but she had two abortions herself and told me they were no big deal (that she had gone out to lunch with her friend after one of them). I really feel, my being out of control emotionally and not having the proper counseling sessions that I have made the biggest mistake of my life. I am not only angry with myself, but at my family. I have so much hatred for them, for placing this much pressure on me. My boyfriend and I (who is 37 and I'm 30) both wanted this baby and would have loved it very much. We had a nice house to live in, a good source of income and insurance. I wish I would have seen all this prior to December 5th, but I can't go back now. All I am trying to do now, is to live with myself and my decision. I try to live one day at a time and make it through each one. I really thanks my ex/boyfriend for opening his heart back up to me, even though I broke his heart. This has really opened up the gates to my healing.
- When I was 13 I became pregnant. My boyfriend who was 16 at the time suggested abortion but I told him no and if he didn't want the baby he knew where the door was. I had been taught as a catholic that abortion was wrong and murder so that was totally out of the question. I had my son when I was 14 and me and his dad were together up until my son was 3 months. After that I was so depressed and regretted keeping the baby but knew that eventually I would get over it. I did consider adoption but ruled that out because he is a part of me and I don't part with things that are mine very easily. About 4 months after the baby was born his dad had a new girlfriend but we were still sleeping together and I became pregnant again. That month I decided to get on the shot. The nurse at school(which provided free birth control) said that I had to wait until my period came; it did but was very short and I thought it was just because I had a baby not that long ago so I get the shot. A month later I had a miscarriage; it turns out that I was pregnant and getting on the shot induced the miscarriage. Everyday I wonder how my life would be with two 2 yr olds and very much miss my baby. I had a dream that I didn't understand; it was me having the miscarriage all over again and was so horrifying that I couldn't wake up, but in the end I saw that the baby was a boy (which didn't really happen) and named him Daniel. It has been two years this February 2001 and mourn for him deeply, but realize that God is taking care of my Daniel and I will see him again. Also my philosophy in life is that everything happens for a reason even if we go through our whole lives not knowing the reason. Now I am going to be 17 and am graduating a year early and going to join the Navy in the fall and pray everyday for all the aborted babiess and the mothers that God will grace them with His mercy with open arms. Thank you for reading my story and for caring about what I had to say.
- I am so sad about all this. I have had 3 abortions and I can't even remember the years or the times because I have totally dismiss or should I say left my body and mind. The first was shortly after I had given birth to my first baby and I was living with the father of my child and he was the one that came up with the idea because I never even thought about it or knew enough about this procedure to consider something like that. I did and I was so angry and ashamed. It was so scary because I kept thinking while on the table that I deserve to die if I could do this. After saying that to myself the entire time through the procedure I felt okay. It was my way of dealing with this and that I deserve death. The second one was the same thing basically talked into it by my man and me being so weak and thought he would leave me if I didn't I again when along with it. After feeling so bad about this I left my live boyfriend and decided to move on with my daughter. I started dating again after 7 months and the gentleman I was dating came over one night and he was getting physical with even though I asked him not to and of course he forced himself on me and took it and again I was pregnant. I hated him and I told him I would tell everyone and he said it was his word over mind and who would believe me. I was so ashamed. I was so sick and I did the dreaded test. I knew I was pregnant and I couldn't stand the thought of having a baby with this guy. I did again. I feel so empty I don't trust man I have not had a male friend since 1997. I don't even think about men. I feel life dealt me a bad had sometimes, but I have taken the responsibility for my actions. I hope I am forgiven.
This is my story.
- I am 25 years old.I met a great man so I thought online. I moved 5 hours away to be with him.He said he loved me and at the time I believed it oh so much.
I went away for 2 weeks to see my family for Christmas. When I returned that night we had unprotected sex. I noticed that I was 1 week late getting my cycle and I couldn't tell him I was so scared.
I thought well maybe it was stress. Then another week went by. We where having an argument one day and I told him that I was 14 days late. He said (NOT GOOD!) at that moment I felt my heart drop to the floor. The he replied if you are ( WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO!). I was thinking to my self ME? I think its more like what are WE going to do. He said well I will buy you a test tomorrow. The next day on his lunch break he came home with the test. Complaining about how much it was. He wanted me to take the test right then and there. He looked at me and said in a laughing tone I know you are pregnant because I am very (FERTILE).I decided to wait and take it after he left. When he walked out the door I immediately went into the bathroom and took the test. Not even a minute later It was positive. I was officially pregnant.Tears were running down my face. When my b/f arrived home I said its positive he replied ( your are going to have an abortion right?). I remember thinking how could someone be so cruel. I don't believe in abortion. I always wanted kids and always dreamed of being a mother.I called my mother that night she said that in her opinion I should abort because I was not in a good relationship nor did I have financial means to support the child. In addition my b/f did not want this child. So I considered her option. But I had to call my friend that I have known since childhood. She doesn't believe in abortion , but to my surprise she said that in her opinion it would be for the best. I was so happy to have now 2 women that mean so much to me stand by me. I looked in the yellow pages for clinics in my area. and I made an appointment.On Feb 3,2001 I arrived at the clinic. I was scared and emotionally drained. I walked in and there was a room full of men and women in the waiting room.After 5 min I was called to the back. To my surprise I was in a room with 14 other women. In ways I didn't feel so alone.I remember sitting there with just a shirt , and the robes they provided and feeling so strange with nothing on waist down. But i wasn't the only one I was surrounded by other women In which I imagine felt the same.They took my blood and a urine sample then immediately after I went to have an ultrasound done. The doctor told me I was 5 weeks and 4 days. tears welded up in my eyes. Then she said I was early and that I had to sign papers. Due to the fact that because it was so small she may miss it and that I may have to do it all over again. That devastated me. I signed it. I didn't leave I was there and I knew if I would have left I never would have came back. 2 hours later I took a valium. Then I remember the ladies being called one by one. Then my name was called. I was so scared. I remember lying on that table and my feet in the stir ups. The nurse gave me laughing gas. It didn't help. I remember the doc saying its just gonna feel like cramps. Yeah right. I never felt so much pain in my life. She said 30 more seconds. Those 30 seconds felt like hours to me. I remember the sound of that machine. That is a sound I will never forget. As I walked into the waiting room my b/f walked me to the car and said nothing to me.No support at all I felt betrayed in so many ways.My b/f told me 2 days after the procedure that he wanted me to leave. I was already going through so much. Its for the best . Now I will try to move on. Even though I know I will never forget this for the rest of my life......
- I WOULD LIKE TO START OFF BY SAYING THIS SITE HAVE HELP ME ALOT.I NEVER BELIEVE THAT I WOULD EVER HAVE A ABORTION.I FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT AUG.2000 OF LAST YEAR.WHEN I WAS LATE.MY B/F AND I SAID LET'S TAKE A TEST.WHEN I WE SAW THE RESULT,WE DIDN'T HAVE A BIG REACTION.AFTER A FEW DAYS WE WERE BOTH VERY HAPPY, WE WERE GOING TO BE A FAMILY.THE ONLY THINGS WAS I DIDN'T WANT TO TELL MY MOM.AFRAID OF THE CHANGE'S THAT WOULD BE TAKING OVER MY LIFE.I KEPT OUR BABY BETWEEN US.I DID TELL ONE GOOD FRIEND OF MINE.AFTER A FEW WEEK THINGS GOT BAD WITH ME AND MY B/F.WE STAYED AWAY FROM EACHOUTHER MY FIRST FEW WEEKS.BY THIS TIME WITH SO MUCH GOING ON IN MY LIFE AND WITH HIM I WENT WITH THE IDEA TO HAVE AN ABORTION.THE NIGHT BEFORE I WAS GOING TO GO TO THE CLINIC I TOLD MY MOM THAT I WAS PREGNANT.SHE TOLD ME SHE KNEW,AND ASK ME WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO.AT THAT POINT I TOLD HER I DIDN'T KNOW.SHE MADE ME CALL MY B/F AND TALK TO HIM ABOUT THE BABY(KEEP IN MIND WE HAVEN'T TALK FOR WEEKS)HE DIDN'T WANT TO DISCUSS ANYTHING WITH ME.THIS MADE ME TELL MY SELF YOU NEED TO DO THIS.THE NEXT DAY MY GOOD FRIEND TOLD ME THAT SHE WOULD MEET ME AT THE CLINIC.I WAS SO AFRAID OF WHAT I WAS DOING AND WHAT I HAD DONE.TIME WAS WINDING DOWN FOR ME I HAD TO MAKE A CHOICE BEFORE IT WAS TO LATE.UNTIL THIS DAY MY LOVEONE DONT KNOW ABOUT THE MISTAKE I MADE.
- Before I tell you my story, let me tell you my situation... I was kicked out of my parents house and had no where to go. They kicked me out because I was dating a man that was a different race. I lived with friends, in my car, and just about everywhere. I was constantly late for work because I had no alarm clock and no where to take showers and such... I was fired. During this time I met a guy who was really nice. He told me I could come and live with him. His house was no better than the places I was sleeping beforee. It was full of roaches and rats. I even contracted crabs from the matters I was sleeping on. But, I got a job. I ended up finding out I was pregnant with his baby 2 days after I got this job. He was also a black man and I knew my parents would never approve, so when I told them, they turned their backs on me. I got laid off because the work I was doing was unsafe with me being pregnant. From then on, things went from bad to worse. "Chris" refused to give me over $5.00 a day for food and gas and such, and his mother moved out of the house leaving us with her 4 sons. The refrigerator was full of roaches and I refused to eat anything out of their. He would not carry me to a doctor and I was already 2 months into the pregnancy. I also remember waking up with ticks on me and having to pull them off. The water pump broke and he was to lazy to fix it so we had no water, we couldn't even flush the toilet. I was miserable. After alot of fussing and fighting, I decided to call my daddy. He told me I could come home if I had an abortion. I refused and told him that I believed I would burn in hell for that. About 2 days later my mother called me and told me she was going to Atlanta for a meeting and wondered if I wanted to go. I thought she was coming around and I decided to go with her (this way we could have a chance to talk). After we got about an hour into the drive, she told me she had made me an appointment to have an abortion. She knew the living conditions I was in and she would have the state come and pick up my baby as soon as it was born. Now, my mother is a very rich and powerful woman, and she pretty much snaps her fingers and things get done. So, after many hours of begging and crying, I saw no other option. It had started raining when we got to the clinic and I got down on my knees and prayed to God for forgiveness. I was soaking wet and crying my eyes out, I looked up at her and told her that I will never forgive her. She pulled me up and made me go inside. They started the procedure by sticking this sticks in your cervix which makes you dilate. They made me go back to the room and wait until the next day. I remember the pain I was feeling and how I felt dead inside. The next day came and they took me in and gave me some drugs that made me feel drunk. I requested something to knock me out, so they gave me some of that as well. I don't remember a thing about the procedure, I just remember waking up and grabbing my stomach and feeling a emptiness in my heart. I passed back out. When I awoke, my mother was crying telling me she was sorry and wished she could take it all back. She told me to tell her exactly what I thought of her, if it made me feel any better...so I did. After I got through with her, she agreed to send me to college and help me as much as I possibly could be helped. One week later, I left that small town and started my life over. I am now dating a man who would never turn his back on me and he does live up to my parents standards. I work and go to college... deans list last semester... and couldn't be doing any better. Everything is peachy...except... I'd give it all away to hold my baby in my arms.
- I WAS 22 YRS OLD WHEN I HAD THE ABORT. IT WAS JULY 11, 1997 IT WAS A GREY COLD SUMMER MORNING. IT WAS AS THOUGH THE DAY KNEW IT WAS GOING TO BE A SAD DAY. I ALREADY HAD A CHILD WITH THE FATHER OF MY SECOND BABY. AND WHEN HE FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT, HE WENT CRAZY. HE DIDN'T WANT ANOTHER CHILD. HE HARASSED ME DAY AND NIGHT TELLING ME WE COULDN'T HAVE IT. HE SAID I WASN'T HAVING IT, EVEN IF MEANT HE HURT ME TO KILL THE BABY INSIDE OF ME. ONE NIGHT HE MANHANDLED ME AND STARTED CHOKING ME. I WAS SO SCARED I GAVE IN. I JUST WANTED TO GET HIM OFF MY BACK. SO I WENT AHEAD I HAD IT DONE. BOY WAS THAT THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE. I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP THAT DAY. IT HURT SO MUCH AND I'M NOT TALKING PHYSICALLY BUT MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY.
IF ONLY I WOULDN'T HAD TOLD HIM, I WOULD'VE KEPT MY BABY SAFE. I ALWAYS HAD A FEELING IT WAS A BOY. I EVEN WENT OUT AND BOUGHT HIM A LITTLE GOWN. BUT NOW ITS EMPTY. I SOMETIMES HOLD IT AND PRETEND HIS THERE AND I APOLOGIZE, I CRY, I MOURN HIS ABSENCE. HE WILL NEVER HEAR, TOUCH, FEEL SMELL, AND TASTE, ALL BECAUSE OF MY WEAKNESS. IF ONLY I WOULD'VE BEEN STRONGER, I WOULD'VE SAVED HIM. I PRAY TO GOD THAT HE FORGIVES ME AND THAT ONE DAY I AM REUNITED WITH MY BABY TO SEE HIM, TO FINALLY SEE HIM. NOW, I COLLECT BABY ANGELS TO REMIND ME THAT THERES SOMEONE IN HEAVEN WAITING FOR ME. MAY GOD BLESS ALL THE LITTLE ONES THAT WERE TAKEN THAT DAY AND ALL THE ONES THAT HAVE BEEN AND WILL BE TAKEN.
- I had been with my boyfriend for about two years, we'd gotten together when I was 16 and he was 17. We have a pretty strong relationship and despite this fact we hadn't really put a lot of thought into what would happen if I got pregnant. I was in the midst of changing my type of birth control when it happened, I was completely unaware of the fact that I was ovulating and my cycle had been pretty off in the past. I didn't even know I was pregnant for the longest time, but I was experiencing a lot of lower abdominal pain and some slight discharge, which I found quite alarming. So after a couple of weeks of this I decided to go in and see my doctor who insisted that I had contracted an STD like chylamidia or something. I was mortified I couldn't figure out how this could have happened to me since I was in a monogamous relationship for the past two years. but she insisted that if my boyfriend had ever been in contact with it that it was possible that it could have remained dormant in his system for all that time and given it to me. So beforee she even sent the test swabs off to the lab, the DR wrote me a prescription for a doxycycline type drug (used for killing off bacteria in chlamydia), gave me instructions to go get an antibiotic system flush intravenously and then to take a bunch of horse pills that the hospital would have for me after I got the shots. All that without even knowing what was wrong with me! She didn't even take a pregnancy test! Or ask me if I thought I might be pregnant - which I didn't think I was! So here I go about taking these drugs and what not, and low and behold not once but twice I got checked and yet NO bacteria culture came back from the lab, the results were all negative. I asked her, so what's wrong with me? She told me she didn't know. This terrified me, I couldn't figure out why I felt the way I did! When I asked her what the pain was that I was experiencing she said it was from the infection spreading in through my female organs and that if I didn't take my medication that I could get really sick, go infertile or even eventually die! So here I am thinking I'm dying, my boyfriends freaking out because he claimed he hadn't cheated on me but yet here the doctor was telling me I had an STD! So for over tow months thins went on, I'd stop staking the pill because it wouldn't have worked that well with the antibiotics that I was taking anyways, and so it didn't seem strange that I missed my period until late January when I'd still not had my period. I was feeling more depressed than usual and began to fear that I may be pregnant but wasn't sure how that was possible if my female organs were so screwed up and infected...so after about another week I finally took a test and was not surprised to see that it came back positive. I was so upset and confused, I had no idea how long I'd been pregnant or what the medication I had taken had affected my unborn child...I called my doctor and made appointment to go see her but she wouldn't see me till another week later. When I got in to see her I told her I was pregnant and her response was "oh, I'm not surprised," I thought that was rather stupid, then what the hell did she subject my unborn child to all this time?! When I told her that I was going to have an abortion she basically said that since I wasn't being careful with my pills that it was my fault, my problem and she wasn't going to help me any further. She closed her books and walked out on me, then came back in with an ultra sound appointment booked two weeks away - which I knew was too long to wait since she's estimated that I was probably 9 weeks along at that point. She told me to go to Planned Parenthood in my city which arranges abortions and other such things. I went to go see them that following week where they arranged everything for the abortion. They were really sweet to me there which was a relief after my doctor had been such a bitch to me about the whole thing. The doctor there who was a lovely lady, examined me there and told me that the whole time that my doctor had told me a had an STD I had actually been pregnant and that the pains were from my uterus tipping and changing. I felt relief that I finally knew what was wrong with me for sure but also angry for what my doctor had put me through. I vowed never to go back to her again. I had everything explained to me and arranged and the nurse there said she's call me back as soon as they had a date booked. by now it was late February and I was sure I was pretty far a long and was just praying that having the abortion would be the right thing to do, for fear my child may have been disabled or what not after all the drugs designed for that part of my body. Not to mention I was not in the emotional or financial position to care for a child; my body was under so much stress I feared I wouldn't be able to care to term anyways. So on February 26, I went to the hospital for my ultra sound, and received an hour later from Planned Parenthood telling me to call them right away. I called and they told me that I was 15 and a half weeks along - and I knew my doctor had set that up on purpose like that so I would be considered "too far a long" for an abortion. But they told me that rather than have my abortion on the 6 and 7 of march I'd have to have it the very next day, which just seemed to over whelming for me. So there I was, scared out of my mind taken to our local abortion clinic which is located in a secluded section of the hospital so that no one can bother you there. The staff there was all so motherly and kind, they really went above and beyond their call of duty in all honesty. I sat in the waiting room with the other girls, we all just talked and joked and tried to make each other feel better because we were all so scared. I was able to talk to a social worker there which helped more than I could imagine, and then they started me on my first day of my procedure where they put a "tent" inside of me to dilate my cervix since I was so far along. It was incredibly agonizing and the pain almost seemed to much to bear, I broke out into tears on the table and one of the nurses comforted me and told me It was alright to cry. Then she took me to recovery where they sat me in a comfortable chair with pillows and blankets, gave me water and made sure that I was alright. The pain was awful and I just wanted to die, and regretted what had just happened. All I could think about was the child that I was killing, and I was stricken with grief. I just wanted to go home and let it all be over. They eventually let me go home and I spent the night in horrible pain unable to sleep or eat. The next day was the final day and I was mortified. They gave me an anti anxiety pill which helped a lot, but I was really out of it. I requested to speak with the councilor again and that helped just to talk about my fears and then it was time to go, I went and sat on the couch in waiting an all I could do was cry and whisper "I'm sorry", to my unborn child. Then the nurses came and got me and took me into the OR where they put me on the take and gave me a shot of something like morphine but I was very much awake for the whole thing. I could see hear and feel them take my baby from me, that horrible machine sucking away my insides. I could hear my baby go through a tube like jello through a straw and then hit the tank. I just looked at the ceiling and went "oh shit" as I could feel my uterus contracting and struggling. The nurses comforted me as the doctor finished up and all I could do was thank them in my stupor for being so good to me and not treating me bad. The nurse helped me into recovery and made sure I was alright and then it was all over. I just kept thanking them for helping me because without them to support me I knew that it would have been much harder for me to get through my ordeal. I was proud that I had survived but not proud of what I had done. My heart was heavy but I was overwhelmed but feelings of relief almost that it was over. They looked after me until I was ok, then they sent me home. My parting words were "It was lovely to meet you all, and everything...but I hope I never have to see any of you again..."
I went home and passed out for a while and then got up again, and started to write. I wrote a letter in poetry form to my baby telling why i did what I did and that he was better off in the Hands of the Lord than in mine here on earth. And here I am now, a day later...still not feeling too hot but I'll give it time, I'll be ok...I plan to have a little ceremony for my baby in which I'll burn the letter by candle, whilst saying a quite prayer for him. A very honorable time where I will officially say my good byes as the smoke from the letter I wrote softly drifts up into the air to my baby for him to know that I did what I felt was best.
And who would call me today but my doctor...she called to tell me that she JUST got the ultrasound results and quite smugly reported to me that I was too far along to have the abortion...I told her that I'd already had it...she said good bye and hung up...
needless to say I'm not going back to her ever again and I am reporting her to the Medical Society.
- I was already the Mother of 3 children, I was living in a small two bedroom duplex with my Fiancťe, we were in the middle of planning our wedding, it was only two months away when I had the procedure. My Fiancťe had had a vasectomy 6 weeks earlier. I was devastated to find out I was pregnant. our lives had just seemed to be getting on tract we were comfortable with not having anymore children. My initial reaction was anger, I did not ask for or want this.
My Fiancťe made a statement during one of our discussions like, if you have this baby we can't have a wedding. I never asked him if he really meant that, but the statement still rings in my ears and bring tears to my eyes just thinking about it.
Abortion was in the back of my mind the whole time, but I really didn't have time to make a sound decision, I was deeply religious and knew this was against my faith, I was also smart enough to know waiting would just make it worse. I didn't tell anyone really close to me, I think I was afraid they would make me really think about what I was going to do. I kept it to myself and the few people I needed to get me through it. I truly convinced myself that if I could just get myself through the procedure I would make myself better after and if I couldn't then I would deal with it after. I was numb of all emotion the weeks beforee and after.
I never realized how simple the whole thing would be. Called scheduled an appt. for the next week showed up paid was out in two hours. That ended up being the easy part.
My depression and other symptoms didn't start to set in until after my wedding, I think I was just to busy to notice. They started subtle, I couldn't get the thoughts out of my head but only when I was alone. So I never let myself be alone. Then they suddenly got worse. I could hear and even conjure up the smells that I remembered from the procedure, the words of the staff kept ringing in my head, my menstrual cycle went completely out of wack, I had a period for 5 months straight. I gained over 30 pounds in 8 months. Finally the breaking point, I exploded, at a restaurant, a birthday party, it was humiliating, but I couldn't hold it any longer. My husband had no clue that I had any of these feelings. He actually ended up expressing some of his own feeling which were surprisingly deep.
I am still not over this whole thing, I don't know if I ever will be. It helps to be able to write it down and express it.
I can say time does heal, or at least help bury the overwhelmingly painful feelings. If I could ever give one piece of advise it would be to make sure you can live with this decision, be completely sure beforeehand, it will make all the difference in your "post abortion" life.
I was 32 and the mother of five kids when I started to get "that old familiar feeling." I tried to ignore it, but I Knew it wasn't going to go away. I went to the store and bought the test hoping upon hope it would be negative. The line showed up beforee I finished peeing on it. I told my husband three days later, his reaction was that of your typical man, it's your decision he said. I told him I couldn't imagine going through it all over again and that this should be taken care of as quickly and discreetly as possible. I made the appointment the next day. We had to travel about seventy miles and he wasn't real happy that I was taking up his time and money with what was now "my problem." So much for support. The procedure itself was not all that bad and the Dr. and nurses were all very nice and supportive. The worst part was when we got back home, I was still kind of groggy and my thirteen year old daughter asked me to to help her with something she was doing, my husband told her mommy won't help you right now she's too tired from killing her baby this morning. I don't think I have ever felt as low as I did at that very moment. I don't know why he chose to reveal this to a child maybe it was his way of dealing with the feelings that he had. All I know is I was the one who suffered physically and emotionally. It's been about six months now and I know I made the right decision for myself and my family. It just hurts to know that the person who is supposed to love me the most would kick me when I was down.
- I'm 30 now and when I was 19 I fell pregnant to my boyfriend, who I had just discovered was a heroin addict. I was half way through my university degree and I remember feeling completely numb and felt like I had a cancerous lump that I needed to get rid off. I was very eager to have the operation and felt immensely relieved afterwards. I didn't want to talk about it with anybody, even though close friends tried to get me to open up.
Over the next few years I became very depressed, isolated and unhappy. My self esteem plummeted and my confidence at work and with friends was very low. I struggled on but my mental health was bad.
When I was 25, I was binge drinking, smoking hash and was very thin. One night I went out and met a guy who was a friend of a friend and like a bad dream, I had unprotected sex in a one night stand. It was madness. I managed to organize the morning after pill the next day but it didn't work and there I was in the same situation as years earlier.
All the feelings that I had hidden the first time came back like a ton of bricks. I was older and more aware of what I was doing and felt so irresponsible. I tried to do the right thing and this time I told my Mum and she was supportive but was not keen for me to have the baby. My feelings were all over the place - I felt quite happy to be pregnant but my financial and emotional situation was looking
disastrous. It was the most agonizing decision but I went ahead with the second abortion. My Mum didn't come with me and I can't help it,
I still have a lot of negative feelings towards her about that.
The next few years were awful, I barely managed to get to work every day, I had no interest in relationships or the future. My world was a black tunnel. I tried counseling and yoga and got into mediation. Things slowly got better.
When my brother's wife fell pregnant and the whole family were so excited, I felt so sad, but the birth of that baby was the best thing that ever happened. I love her so much and she has helped to bring happiness back into my life. Now I am moving on. I have a boyfriend and am looking forward to a better future.
However, I still get depressed, anxious and nervous. Reading this site has been great as it has made me realize that my negative feelings are linked to the past and that although I have worked through most of my anger, there is still a lot of unresolved issues. It makes it easier when you know what you are dealing with!
If anyone is still reading this, I hope that you believe that things do get better, because they will and although it is not easy the strength that takes you through these difficult times will help you in the future.
- IT'S KIND OF INTERESTING HEARING MY STORY FROM EVERYONES ELSE MOUTH. I HAD AN ABORTION WHEN I WAS 16 YEARS OLD, MY FIRST TIME HAVING SEX MY FIRST BOYFRIEND. I AM NOW THIRTY YEARS OLD AND STILL IT DEEPLY AFFECTS ME, I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN OVER IT, AND WHAT SEEM TO BE BRING THIS BACK TO THE SURFACE IS THE FACT THAT I AM NOW PREGNANT AGAIN (UNPLANNED) THE MAN I AM PREGNANT BY IS REALLY PRESSING ME HAVE AN ABORTION, MY MOTHER IS REALLY PRESSING ME TO HAVE AN ABORTION, I AM STANDING STRONG ALL BY MYSELF ON THIS ONE, I COULD NOT BARE TO DO THE AGAIN. UNLIKE ALOT OF THE WOMEN, I WAS AWAKE DURING THE WHOLE PROCEDURE, AND I STILL CAN HEAR THE SOUNDS OF THE SUCK AND THE GRINDING, AND WHAT I PERCEIVED TO BE WAS MY LITTLE BOY CRYING, NO NO MOMMY WHY. I STILL CRY TO THIS DAY, I HAD NO RIGHT TO MAKE A LIFE OR DEATH DECISION ON HIS LIFE. I NEVER NAMED HIM, I JUST CALL HIM LITTLE MAN. I AM A SINGLE MOM NOW WITH A THIRD ON THE WAY, I WAS CARELESS WITH PROTECTION, AND THAT WAS MY FAULT NOT THE BABIES. I AM HEARING HAVE AN ABORTION DAILY, BUT I AM STANDING STRONG, I KNOW WHAT AN ABORTION DOES NOW, AT THE AGE OF 16 I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING BUT TO LISTEN TO MY MOM. IF YOU ARE READING THIS SITE BEFORE YOU MAKE A DECISION PLEASE LISTEN TO SOME OF THESE STORIES, THE MAJORITY OF THEM ARE SORRY THAT THEY DID WHAT THEY DID TO THERE CHILD JUST FOR THE SAKE OF THEMSELVES. I CAN SPEAK, BECAUSE I AM ONE,14 YEARS, AND I'M STILL NOT OVER IT. DON'T PUT YOURSELF THROUGH THAT, THERE ARE ALWAYS OTHER OPTIONS
- It is incredible reading the stories of other women who have been through this too. I thought that I was the only one who dreamed of the baby I aborted. Some of them are horrible others are happy ones, but the happy ones are even harder to deal with. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. My boyfriend is having a hard time too and I feel like this is ripping us apart. I write letters to my baby too, apologizing for the biggest mistake I have ever made. I feel like I deserve to suffer forever. I don't know why I wasn't strong enough to tell him I didn't want to do it. It is the worst thing in the world to deal with a regret you can not do anything about or change in anyway. I cannot accept what I did. It has been almost 4 months since the abortion and it seems I am getting worse. Half of the stories I read today, I feel like I could have wrote myself. It brings me some comfort to know that I am not alone in my feelings, as I feel I am most days. Thank you for this web site. Our baby was conceived at the wrong time for my boyfriend, we are both going through divorces and it would have been too painful for the people in his life. I've sacrificed my baby to save him and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It was a degrading and humiliating experience for me to endure. I can barely speak of the day it happened for the memories in my head are unbearable to remember. I just wish I had to do it over and I would be having my baby just like I dream of.
- I'm a 35 year old mother of two wonderful children ages 11 and 16. Back when I was about 23 years of age I had an abortion. It was a hard decision to make at that time. I was a daily drug user and was pregnant by a man that wasn't my boyfriend at the time. The guy was in school and still living off his parents, he had no means in supporting me or the baby. I was smoking crack cocaine everyday and knew that If I had the baby it would come out with mental problems or something. I already had one child at the time and was not ready for another. My boyfriend thought it was his baby but i knew different. I remember it was a Tuesday morning when I went to the woman clinic to get it done. I made myself feel better by saying that it was for the best because of my drug abuse. One least baby for the state to care for. But after all the years I still think back on that day and wish that I would have not done it. It was the worst mistake that I've ever done. To any young girls out there I beg u please don't do what I did because in the future it will haunt your dreams and steal your joy.
- I am a 24 and had an abortion on February 28,2001. That day was and still is the most unforgettable day I have ever experienced. I have a handsome 5 year old son, and after his birth I had promised myself that I would not get pregnant again till I was married. I have been seeing my boyfriend now for over a year. We have been living together for the last 6 months. He also has a 1 year old daughter and has just went through a custody case. In the last 6 months I decided to get on birth control, not just to prevent becoming pregnant, but also for medical reason. Obviously the pill did not work. I didn't understand why I was sick all the time and after I missed my period I know exactly why. I took a test to know for sure, and when It came up positive I cried. I was so scared and confused about what I was going to do. I didn't know how to tell my boyfriend. He had once told me "if I was to ever get pregnant he would kill himself". (His ex really did a number on him) I had waited a week after I took the test to tell him, because I didn't know what I wanted to do. Abortion was not an option for me at that moment. I wanted to move back to the state where my family live, so I could keep the baby without my boyfriend knowing. But there was no way I could live without him. And in my heart I knew this was a two person decision. When I told him he flipped. Abortion was the only option for him. He doesn't want another child especially without being married which is the same way I feel. I called to make an appointment and had to wait for a week to get it done because I had no money and neither did he. That week lasted forever. The day came for the procedure and I didn't want to go through with it. We got to the place and there were so many young girls there, they were laughing and cracking jokes while I was trying to hold back tears. When it was my turn to have the procedure done the nurse who was the most kindest gentle man I have ever met took me to the room and explained everything to me. At this time I couldn't hold back the tears. He told me I didn't have to go through with it and that there was other options. I reassured him this is what I had wanted. The doctor came in and asked me how I was, she could tell my heart was breaking. They injected some drugs into me through an ivy. And the next thing I know I was walking out into the recovery room. I can't remember a thing that had happened, I do get flashbacks of the nurse and him telling me "You are doing good, just breath." I really wasn't in pain physically just emotionally. I am very soft hearted, emotional, loving individual in the first place. I had wanted to come straight home after that. We got home and my boyfriend went to pick up my son from daycare, I couldn't look at him because I couldn't hold back the tears. I am have problems dealing with this because my boyfriend doesn't want to talk about it. He walks away from me. He said it was hard for him also, but sometimes I wonder. I feel alone and want to be alone all the time. I also feel discussed with myself. I work three jobs know and am going back to school this summer and another baby would be a hassle so I know we made the right choice.
- I'm 36 years old and this is the second abortion I've gone through in
my lifetime. The reasons for my decision has a lot to do with what
happened the last time I found myself pregnant out of wedlock. The
first time, in 1993, I wanted to carry the child to term and give it
up for adoption. I was a part-time student and only had a part-time
job so I didn't think I could support it. The man I was with, "Tony",
couldn't seem to be able to hold a job and he didn't strike me as
"dad" material either. The family members around me then kept trying
to discourage me from adoption by telling me all the reasons why my
child would be "unadoptable". "Tony's" reaction was that he didn't
want his flesh and blood going to no stranger and if I didn't think I
could take care of the child, then he would take it away and I'd never
see him or the child again. Somehow, I didn't like that option either.
My father ultimately made my decision for me by giving me an ultimatum.
Either get an abortion or he'd disown me. I was too much of a coward
to stand up to him (still am for that matter) and so I went for the
This time around, I got pregnant even though the guy, "Randy",
claimed he had a vasectomy. I had asked him to use condoms but he
kept insisting he didn't need them. When I found out I was pregnant,
I decided the only way out of the situation was to have an abortion.
I'm unemployed and he was having a hard enough time paying for his car.
That and my father's reaction the last time (and I didn't want to hear
about bringing "bastard" grandchildren into the family again) were
my reasons for making the decision I did. When I made the decision
to get an abortion, I decided I wanted to get it over with as quickly
as possible. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. I am now being
treated for an ectopic pregnancy and it remains to be seen if I can
still bear other children after this.
My advice to other women is even if the man claims to have had a
vasectomy, still use other protection of your own. Also, quiz him
closely about exactly when he had the vasectomy. When I asked "Randy"
exactly when he had his vasectomy (after I found out I was pregnant),
he said it was about two months beforee then. From my research, I
found out this was the high risk period after a vasectomy when
pregnancy is still possible. Also, ask if he had gone for the
follow-up tests. "Randy" hadn't.
Here's some more about my story. When I started bleeding heavily
beforee I even went for the abortion, I thought I was miscarrying.
But I think that was wishful thinking to ease my conscience. I was
hoping I wasn't killing anything. I now know that the bleeding wasn't
a symptom of miscarriage but was an early indicator of the real
problem, an ectopic pregnancy.
- I'm sixteen years of age and had an abortion when i was nearly 5 months pregnant. It was the worst feeling a girl like me can feel.
She was conceived on the night i went to prom with my 18 year old boyfriend. He was very pushy about it and i eventually gave in. The night of the prom i knew what was expected to happen (like every prom)
and i tried to be careful about it, but to make matters worse he gave me alcohol. He said that we were suppose to have fun-thats what was expected of me! It was my first prom and I was a freshman he was a senior. The day of the prom he picked me up and I was really looking forward to the night. I was excited! we picked up two other friends and went riding around in our limo. We drank, and even the limo driver drank with us. And what he told me when he tried to get "close" with me was that he did all this prom stuff for me and that I "owe" him something! I felt really confused...maybe it was the liqour!
But that happened and the two other people there knew what we were doing even though we had the music full blast and they were standing out the limo ceiling window. I felt really dirty after that...but eventually he went to college...I found out i was pregnant during the summer (our prom was on May 6th 2000) I was out of town for 6 weeks and he (from what i heard) cheated on me with one of my friends and other girls! Ugh I hated her for that! I didn't necessarily tell him. When i found out i was i told one my friends who was a girlfriend of his best friend. And i got to see him the next day after i got off from work...and i didn't have to tell him he already knew! He offered to help me pay for anything but it didn't matter i was scared!!!
I felt he didn't care but i didn't know what was going through his mind but we discussed it and HE decided that he wanted me to have an abortion! At first i was really hurt because he said i could mess up his whole life if i did have this kid. And i didn't want to lose him so..i did it! I went to a nearby hospital about 1 1/2 away and had to go through the places they park the ambulances for fear of being seen and why. My appointment was suppose to be at 11:30 but i didn't get it done until 2:30pm. I felt terrible and most of my closest friends knew i was pregnant so i knew they would be mad! I ended up being really really sick afterwards and i didn't know what was going on so i ended up missing 3 days of school just trying to recover but i hurt very much emotionally. When i was there everything felt so cold to me even the nurses that gave me a "twilight anesthesia." and everything came so suddenly all the emotions poured on me! I felt things in my uterus i could feel pulling or tugging something that made me think why am i doing this! I felt extremely drunk but i knew what was going on! All together i took 5 days to be able to show my face but my emotions still showed! Recovery was hard for me they told me it was odd to have 5 days to physically recover but the emotions would take how ever long i could handle it. But I still see the father every now and then but it just isn't the same knowing i could still love this guy after all he put me through! And he probably still doesn't care!
My baby was a girl and i wanted to name her Laikyn...I'm sorry I didn't give you a chance to live...I'm so sorry!
- I feel so terrible, my poor innocent child! I had my abortion on May 25,2000. It was the worst day of my life!! My husband and I had been together for almost 7 years. We had both been divorced. We both had children from our first marriages, his were 18,15,14,13, two girls and two boys. Mine were twin boys 9, and my youngest son was 7. We had been together for 7yrs but didn't get married until October 1999. In the middle of planning a wedding I found out I was pregnant. It was not something either one of us was prepared for. We weren't sure what to do, but the more we talked about it the more i wanted this baby. So with that we decided to proceed with the wedding plans and have our baby. She was born December 4, 1999, the day beforee her daddy's birthday. We were both so happy, especially me I had always dreamed of having a baby girl. We felt so complete with our family, so happy we had a baby together, life was great! Until the day I went to the doctor for stomach problems. She did a few tests on me and one of them was a urine sample. She had asked me if I thought i was pregnant, my answer was "NO WAY"! I mean we had been using protection (cause we really didn't want anymore children we already had 8). That was all she said. I went to the doctor cause whenever I ate my stomach felt sick and I was so bloated. The next day I received a phone call, it was my doctor. Her exact words were " I think I have some news your not wanting to here". I WAS PREGNANT AGAIN! I couldn't talk, all I could do was cry. How would I tell my husband? Our daughter was only 3 months old! I was devastated. My doctor thought maybe because I was having the symptoms that I was having was because it could be an ectopic pregnancy. So she scheduled me for an ultra sound. My husband and I cried and debated what to do. Both of us hoped it was a tubal pregnancy cause then it most likely would have aborted itself. I went in for my ultra sound (unfortunately alone). It was a beautiful healthy baby. I didn't know how to react, I didn't want the person doing the ultra sound to know we had thoughts of aborting this sweet innocent baby inside of me. I thought the worst part was just seeing the baby but it wasn't seeing the heart beating was. At that point I had thought I had made up my mind. I was keeping this baby! She asked me if I would like to have a picture of the baby, I said yes. Hoping maybe it would help change my husbands mind. On the way home I had mixed feeling again. Being I just had a baby I remembered to clearly how much it hurt to give birth. I was so confused with my feelings, I wanted to keep it, I didn't want to keep it. Back and forth. I got home and held my daughter and said to my husband, "my god how can we abort this baby? we almost did this to her". He had his mind made up he didn't want it. So to try to shorten this we made the appointment. We had gone the first day and I was still having 2nd thoughts and cried continually, but went thru all the bull. Then had to go back the next day for the procedure. I cried all night and that day. We got there and I couldn't get out of the car. I asked my husband several times "are we really doing the right thing being here?" He told me it was up to me. Not what I was hoping to hear!! We sat there for a long time. Me going back and forth with my decision. I felt so alone! Even more so after he said it was my decision. So it was all up to me weather our baby lived or died. Unfortunately I went in. I wanted to go home so bad! They called my name and I told my husband to come. The nurse said "NO! he cant come in." I was nuts! He couldn't because of sterile reasons. Thats such bull s---. As far as I'm concerned he got off so easy, he didn't have to here or see anything. Ya know, kindof like (out of sight out of mind). Not that he didn't care, I just wish he would have been in there. Then maybe he would be able to understand how i feel. I cried and yelled while the dr. was dilating me, " oh, my baby! I'm so sorry baby!" The nurse asked me if i was sure I wanted to do this. I couldn't answer her. Oh god if only I had right at that moment. When I did finally scream out to them to stop the dr. told me it was to late he had already gone to far to stop. I went limp, numb. I just cried and pleaded for my baby. I hate myself! How could I have done that. We got home and I could hardly look at my daughter. I didn't deserve her. I just thru away (thats putting it nicely)my other child. I feel so sick, empty, I would give anything to have my baby back. I cant stand listening to anyone talking about abortion, simply anything that has to do with it I cant stand. I feel so rotten! I dont think I'll ever forgive myself! I know I'll never forget ever!! You see, my babiess due date was on my daughters birthday December 4, and right beforee his or her daddy's birthday.
- It was 6 days ago today that I had an abortion I am 16 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months. when I first found out I was so scared neither of us have a job or wealthy families I tried to tell my mom for a month until on day she started asking me why I slept more than usual. She was angry at me and disappointed I only told her and my 2 sisters because I knew no one else in my family approved of my decision. But half of my boyfriends family disowned him. I knew there was no way we could take care of a a baby or afford it so I came to the decision and found a clinic 2 and a half hours from here the firs visit they took a urine and blood sample and did an ultra sound. I was 8 weeks pregnant and started to cry when the councilor there was talking to me about the protester an what they were going to do to me. I also saw the ultra sound picture which made me cry even more but I just kept telling myself I was doing the right thing because I couldn't give it the best I could or be a good mother. My boyfriend,sister and I arrived at the clinic at 7:30 saturday morning I remember going into the room and taking my close off from the waste down the nurse had given me a valium 10 min prior but I still felt everything the shot in my uterus made my ears ring and I could feel the metal rods they stuck in my cervix they all kept telling me I was doing good I could feel the suction and I could feel it moving slowly out of me.I just held on to my sisters hand and cried. The cramps were almost unbearable they told me to breath through them which helped. I started crying because I wanted to say stop but It was to late I knew everything that was going on but I couldn't stop it. They gave me a shot in my pelvis and then made me get up and dresses I was brought to another room were other girls and women were how had already had the procedure done I could barely walk because of the valium. I was up in 20 min. putting my shoes they gave me medication and 2 packs of birth control pills.I walked down stairs to the waiting area were my boyfriend and sister were waiting.
The protesters were still out there and I felt so empty and guilty. I could remember crying with another girl in the bathroom before the procedure she felt the same as I guilty and sad but knew she was making the right choice.I cried all the way home uncontrollable. I see little kids at the store or on t.v. and think about what mine would have looked like and sometimes I cant even look at a little kid. I cry sometimes but I try to think of this as a new life for me I dont take my life for granted because I know how fast It can change and I do more things to better myself so when I do decide to start a family I can give them everything they need and want.I know my life will never be the same and I will never think of sex the same way I am in no hurry to have sex and when I do more than 1 contraceptive will be used.
- I was 17 when I had an abortion. I'm now 18 and don't know how to deal with all of my overwhelming emotions. I had been dating a guy for almost two years my first love and the only guy I have slept with to this day. When I found out for sure that I was pregnant, I was eight weeks along. I was in complete denial up until the day I had it done. My boy friend went with me but I still felt so alone and scared. Every day, I play back in my head what happened step by step. They told me at the clinic that the hardest part would be after it was all over. I didn't understand what they meant by that. It wasn't until almost a month later that it all hit me. My boy friend and I have broken up and I feel that I'll never again be able to date. I'm no longer just this girl I have this experience that will always stick with me to the day I get married. The sad part is I would do it all over again I strongly believe in women's rights and feel it was the best thing for me.
- Where do I start? I guess at the beginning, all I know is that I need to get this out of my head or it will drive me crazy.
I canít forget him, he was so small, dependent on me for his life and I ended it. Sure they said it was for the best, they couldnít guarantee his survival, all sorts of deformities could arise, Iíd never cope with three, the others needed me more and it wasnít fair on them to drag them to hospital to see a baby who may not survive.
Back then they seemed reasonable enough excuses and I let myself believe them. Now, every day since that day I wish to God that I hadnít. Hadnít let them talk me into it. Hadnít listened to them. If I hadnít then today Iíd have a healthy one and a half year old son. I knew he was a boy Ė you know how you get those feelings, I knew he was my son.
It was when my youngest was six months old that my husband and I found out that I was pregnant again. At first I was horrified. There was no way I could cope with another one. But then I got used to the idea and I kinda liked it. I donít know how he felt Ė he didnít say much Ė just urged me to talk to the ob/gyn Iíd had when I had the girls, as soon as possible.
So we got the appointment and we talked and talked and went away to think. And came back and by that stage theyíd basically talked me into having the termination (I wonít say the ďAĒ word). So an appointment was made and I went to see Dr C (another of my doctors with the girls). So different, so very different from the other two. I wish now that Iíd listened to her and to my inner self. She gave me a pill I was to insert three hours beforee the procedure.
The day dawned and my husband went off and did his thing. The time came and the pill went in. I think the girls were with their aunt or Nanny Ė I canít quite remember. Then 10.30 and we went to the Hospital and booked in. He left me once Iíd got to my room and the forms were filled in. Then the waiting. My blood sugar was way too low so Dr C came and inserted a glucose drip. One oíclock Ė the time for surgery, came and went. If they donít hurry Iíll lose my nerve and leave, I thought. But I didnít. . 4.00pm and finally they take me down to theatre. Iím on the table waiting for an emergency to be dealt with. 4.15pm and Dr C comes to see me, scrubbed and ready she asks the question Iíve been dreading Ė ďAre you sure you want to do this?Ē concern in her eyes. ďI have to, itís best for everyone, I have toĒ I respond tears coming from the corners of my eyes. She touches my hand softly and is gone.
4.30pm and Iím wheeled in and transferred to the table. The mask comes down and I shake my head wanting to cry out ďno, no, noĒ but it presses harder, harder and then it goes black. I wake up in the recovery room and someone is moaning. They check my blood pressure and send me up to my room. I havenít spoken, my stomach hurts and I feel sick. He arrives and the nurses unhook the drip and say I can go when Iím dressed. Slowly oh so slowly. We walk out and no-one offers counseling or anything bar ďGive this in at the front desk as you leaveĒ.
Back home and no one speaks of it. Itís as if it never existed. No one speaks but I remember, I remember and slowly I die inside. I stop caring for myself, for life. I still love my two girls and I am grateful for them but I want my boy Ė I want the boy I killed and will never have the chance to see.
Gradually the months pass and the hurt lessens slowly but never goes fully. At times, the hurt is almost more than I can bear and I collapse in a crying heap. Never when anyone is there Ė this is my fault Ė I made the final decision and I must deal with it. Three months later I am diagnosed with Post Natal Depression. Iíd already guessed after reading all my symptoms in a magazine article but the Counselor confirms it. St Johnís Wort three times a day takes the edge off and the Counselor says that talking will lessen the pain. I have to let it go, talk about it and let it go and then youíll start to get better. Okay I say. Her visits get fewer and fewer and she thinks Iím doing better but itís just my everyday face. The one that people see.
No one sees my inside face. Deep inside where the pain has never gone away. Where it stabs me again and again and again. I stab again and again and again. Every time I see the operating theatre and I kill my baby again and again and again. Talk about it? What a joke Ė no one says a word Ė only me and him, and his parents know about it. Iím not allowed to tell anyone else Ė he says itís private. He wonít talk about it Ė best just to forget. I canít. If I let myself forgetÖ.I canít.
- I am 25. I divorced a very abusive man who I had two children with and then recently remarried a wonderful man who has two children of his own. Obviously that gives us four children total in our household. I was on the pill when I got pregnant, so we didn't plan on having more kids. We had discussed what we would do if this situation arose, but I never really knew how I would react until it actually happened. As you all know it is a very painful and difficult decision. I had my abortion 2 days ago. We both knew that this was what we had to do. My husband has moved on, but I am still in alot of pain emotionally. I have the ever present reminder of what I did with my cramps and medication. I feel empty and alone. I think that one of the hardest parts about this healing process is that I can't talk to anybody about it because it's our deep dark secret. But the hardest part of all(for me)is that I will never be able to have a child with my husband. I am angry with him and jealous of the mother of his children. I feel like the child that we created together, that I destroyed, wasn't considered as worthy as our living children. I consider this fetus that I aborted to be my child. I know that God will forgive me, and pray that someday I will be with my child in heaven.
- I am 37 years old, and I recently had an abortion. Today will be eight days. I fell very deeply in love with a man. I had just come out of a 20 year marriage. I married very young. My husband had an affair with my sister for 8 years. It took me years to be able to find the courage to trust another man. The father of my baby, was the only man who has touched my heart since my husband. I thought I would never love anyone again. I met this man and after a couple of months of chatting we met and the baby was the result of that meeting.
I conceived the baby which much love, but the father did not love me, even though he said he did beforee that time. If I had known he did not care for me I would never have met with him. When we returned to our own states after meeting, he told me it was over. He never wanted to see me again. He felt nothing for me. You can imagine my pain. The man i had been foolish enough to give my heart too, just threw it back at me. I felt like all the love all the secrets all the intimacy I had found courage to share with him, he just threw back at me after stomping all over it and making it something dirty and unclean.
Then I found out I was pregnant. I was in deep shock. When I told the father, he reacted badly. I cannot really remember what he said, but one of the things was that he implied that I slept around. This has never ever been the case. Intimacy to me must always be associated with love. He begged me to have an abortion. He told me I had ruined his life, He hated the baby, He did not want it at all, He told me the baby was cursed. After much much soul searching and great heartache I made arrangements to have the abortion. When I made the arrangements I felt so disassociated from it. I felt like it was not real, I did not even think about it. I kept thinking it would not happen that I would not do it. The only reason I had the abortion was because of the pressure he placed upon me to have it. He told me I had ruined his life. He told me so many things. He promised me that he would help me after the abortion. When I was driving the three hours to the clinic, I was a mess, I felt like I just wanted to die, I was physically ill, I almost drove my car into a tree. Anything so I could not reach the clinic. I stopped several time to phone him to beg him to release me from my promise to have the abortion. I begged him to release me. HE kept telling me it was something he wanted me to do a 100%. At the clinic I was a total mess. I was so scared and so sick. It seemed like a nightmare, I just kept thinking I have to do this, I promised, I promised him I would do this, He hates my baby. During the procedure, which was very painful, I kept thinking I deserve this pain, my baby too is in pain, I am killing it. It is in pain, I deserve pain too. I cried all the way through the procedure. Just as they were about to remove the baby I begged tried to beg the doctor to stop, but I was more then half out of it. He thought I was confused and I did not know what I was saying. But I meant it with all my heart. I wanted him to stop. I wanted my baby.
Then I passed out. When I came too the baby was gone. I can not tell anyone or even try to explain the immediate feelings of grief. There are no words to begin to explain. I asked the doctor why he did not stop when I was more coherent, He said many women talk under the medication and he did not understand what I was saying. I really wanted him to stop, I really could not go through with it. I decided right then that I wanted my baby, that I loved it so much. That I could not do this. But it was too late, the doctor did not understand what I said.
Now each day is a nightmare, I wake up everyday to another nightmare. Days and nights are all the same. Sometimes I try to do things to break this cycle of despair and pain. But it never lasts long.
I try to hide in my work, work hard so I can not think. It does not work.
Please if you are considering an abortion please please be absolutely sure it is what you want beforee you go anywhere near a clinic.
Please be 100 % sure.
Please. I don't want anyone to feel what I feel now.
- I was 21, a junior in college, and looking forward to getting out into the real world. I had had many scares beforee, mostly with the guy who got me pregnant. He wasn't even my boyfriend, he came over for sex whenever he was in the mood. Being stupid, I let him whenever he wanted and we never used protection. The night I conceived we were both drunk, the next week I got sick and thought I had the flu, but when the flu lasted for three weeks and I was late, I knew something was wrong. I finally went to the doctor and found out I was indeed pregnant. I told the father that same day and the first thing he said to me was "So you'll have an abortion?" I was very much hurt. He didn't want to have a kid with me was my first thought, my next thought was he didn't want to have to deal with me for the rest of his life. After many fights and tears I decided I would have an abortion just to make him happy. I didn't want to do it at all. I knew in my heart it was the wrong thing for me to do, but I had one anyways. On the way there I could hard drive straight. I went through the procedure with minimal pain, I think my body went numb because my head was messed up. My friend took me to her place afterwards to shake off the medication. I drove the hour back and talked to the father who was a complete jerk. He admitted that he didn't care that I was upset and kept saying empty apologies. He couldn't even help me pay for it. Now I regret doing it. I want the baby back, I want it back. I want to have that baby and love him/her as much as my heart can. I don't know which bothers me more, the fact that I had an abortion at all, or the fact that I wish it would have never happened.
- My boyfriend does not know. I am an 18 year old college student who has made the biggest mistake of my life. Before I came to college things were going good i had a boyfriend who says he loved me, my parents were proud because i was going to college. It came down to me leaving for college and things changed. me and my boyfriend were not as close as we were, we did not speak as often and come to find out I was 2 months pregnant. He said he knew and wanted me to keep it, i wanted to keep it myself but the doctor said that there might be a problem I might have an ectopic pregnancy which means that the baby may be growing in my tube. I told my boyfriend and he said that i have to get an abortion because my life could be in danger so test were ran and it had come to find out that it was nothing to cause the baby to be deformed or to risk my life so we continued to talk about having an abortion because for one I was in college and two he was doing what he wanted, we always fought, and did not have a job or a place were there was room for a child or another person. But the mistake I made was killing my baby a week ago and he does not know, nobody knows only my best friend, nobody but my best friend and my boyfriend knew I was pregnant. I thought it was the right thing to do because I was in school but I hate myself for it. I can never bring my child back and I could never take away the pain I feel everynight as I lye in bed and think to myself how stupid I was.
- Mostly in my car, on drives longer than fifteen minuets, my mind, restless, I talk to God, the only time He and I talk anymore. I pray that He has my baby in the arms of Angels. Those angels with the daunting admirable occupation of caring for those never born. I ask the Father if my baby knows how much I love it. If it knows the reasons why. The answer is always and instant yes, whether that is wishful thinking or the grace of the Lord I'm not sure, nor do I care. I am racked with a longing to have my child back. I made my choice ten days after discovering a pregnancy already seven weeks along. If I could take it back I would. The father, a man I would never wish to be the father of any child, abused me. I thought, for the sake of the child and the rest of my life, I have to get rid of it. Now that I look back, can I honestly say that my child is better of having never had the chance to live than to have a single mother raising it? I wonder what I'll say when I meet my baby for the first time in heaven. How can I justify what I've done? Will I tell my baby that I decided it should die? I reject my child's right to life. I ended an opportunity singing with the promise of years of laughter, love, and pride, because I was afraid of hard it would be to raise a child alone, to finish school, to travel and do all the things I had planned for life. But what about what my child wanted for it's life. I know that being only seven weeks along meant that my baby didn't have a fully functioning brain, but it would have. I killed the potential of life - a beautiful life. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't cry and think about my baby. Maybe I romanticized it a little, maybe I'm forgetting all the reasons I felt like abortion was my only option. But good reasons are not so easily forgotten. If I could I'd undo everything. But I can't. And I'm dying here with regret and guilt.....
- One night my husband looked in my eyes and said, I want you to have my child. I melted and felt so honored and that was the way we conceived her. We were both floating on cloud nine. My husband admitted to always wanting a girl since he was younger and he has two boys from a prior relationship with a psycho ex-girlfriend, it was a milestone for him to finally feel comfortable with trusting women enough to think about kids again. The news of complications and abnormalities in the fetus sent our world upside down. The baby was diagnosed with down-syndrome and the ultra-sound technician indicated that the child did not have all ten fingers...it was not developing correctly. Devastatingly, I made the choice to terminate the pregnancy due to the fact that I couldn't live with myself and look at that child knowing that in some way it was my fault she turned out the way she did. I want the child I bring into this world to have all the opportunities everyone else has without feeling left out or different. I still love her to this day. My husband still cries about it, because he says it was the daughter he's always wanted. He thinks in some way Gods punishing him. Although I'm 7 months pregnant with a healthy boy, we still think about her and will never forget her.
- It was the Friday beforee Mother's Day of all days, in 1998, and I was turning 22 in June. I was a straight-A student, a college graduate, and a social worker. How could I be having an abortion?
My boyfriend (who is now my husband) was 25 and we had only dated a month when I got pregnant. I still remember the night the test came back positive like it was yesterday. I cried, he didn't. Later, he told me that he would support me financially but would not help raise this child. He wanted me to have an abortion. It was all very logical and unemotional.
I said I couldn't, it was against everything I believed in. How could we make this child suffer for our lack of responsibility? I begged him to change his mind but it never happened. Eventually I realized that my baby would not have a father, and I couldn't bear to think of it. I scheduled an appointment for the abortion. I thought he would be thrilled. He agreed to go along but I may as well have gone alone.
He read magazines while I filled out the paperwork. He read more magazines while I went in for the initial consultation and preparation. He continued to read and read the entire time. I don't think he looked up once. I threw up in the waiting room bathroom. Twice.
But I still went through with it. I still killed my baby. And afterwards I threw up some more. I hated him for making me feel like I had no other choice. I hated him for being unreasonable, unemotional, and so matter-of-fact about the whole ordeal. We fought constantly, screaming harsh words and hateful feelings.
Eventually we were able to talk rationally about it. We both regretted it, and neither of us really wanted it to begin with. He had been scared but afraid to admit it. I had been so scared that I was too wrapped up in my feelings to notice that he might be too. We held each other and cried for a long time after that, days, weeks, I don't know for sure.
I finally told my mom, and begged her not to tell my dad. She did, after awhile. They were both so disappointed in me. And hurt that I didn't come to them beforee I made such a decision. But my mom was supportive and understanding and that made it even harder. I should have...I could have...
But I didn't. And to this day, my husband and I break down every time we talk about the baby we never had. We do have a beautiful 2 year old daughter now, conceived only two months after the abortion. We planned her, even though we weren't yet married, and were thankful that God had not kept us from having another child, in spite of our sin. We thought our daughter would fill the emptiness we both had inside. She has given us so much joy, but NOTHING, no one, can ever fill the void I will always have in my heart for the baby I once carried and always loved.
- Here I am, in the middle of my Sophomore year in college, and I had to
make the hardest decision in my entire life. I was faced with a
pregnancy that I wasn't prepared for. It was going to change my life.
The guy that I was with, wasn't even my "boyfriend", he used to be. We
just had been "together", you know sexually, because neither one of us
would sleep with random people...and we both liked sex.
And so as the story usually goes we got drunk together at a party. And
that night I stayed at his college instead of driving home. We had a
great night of unprotected sex. (We both had been tested and nothing was
found.) Two weeks later...I found out that I was was going to be a mom.
At first I was scared. I didn't know what to do. I am only in my second
year of college. I have this plan that I want to get accomplished. I
have so many things to do.
Then after a while, I was happy and excited. I am going to be a mom.
People younger than me do this everyday. I may only be 20, but I can do
this. I had a feeling that it was going to be a girl. So I chose the
name Emma Ryer.
Then it hit, he was going to drop out of school and try to take the
baby away from me if I had it. No way was I going to let him do that.
So I fought him and fought with him. There was no budging. But I was
Only, my friends and family had made me feel so bad for even considering
an abortion. So that is the only real reason that I was going to keep
it. It was not the right time in my life. I could not have this baby
and raise it to the best of my ability..it just would not have a life.
So, I thought about adoption. He would not here of it. If his child
was going to be in this world, he was going to be with it. And so at 13
weeks, I had the abortion.
It has only been 4 or 5 days since. I know that I did the right thing.
But I feel as if I lost the world. I miss her so much, I am not sure
if I am supposed to. I never thought that I could love something that
was not tangible to me. I cry and cry. There is nothing I can say or do
to bring Emma back.
I hope she knows that momma loves her very much. And I am sorry that
I can not see her beautiful face. But we will be together someday.
- I had an abortion on Feb 9 2001,
In January (the 3rd) I went to the clinic to get tested for std's cause my bf cheated on me in November, there I bought more birth control etc... They took a pregnancy test and it was negative but told my not to start my birth control yet. So while waiting for my period to come I became tired & cranky my mood swings caused me to lash out at my boyfriend for everything awful he has ever done,two days after I missed my period I took a test & in a minute it said positive I couldn't believe that I was pregnant. I told my Boyfriend & he said the test was wrong so I took another which was positive also. the following day I found my self at the clinic with a positive test result again they brought my boyfriend in & I looked at him & for the first time in the 9 months that we were together he looked so young. they asked us what we should do & we weren't sure, we cried on the way home & I decided to have an abortion cause we didn't make enough money to support it and he being 20 in college &b me 17 a junior in high school, a month later I had the abortion...my boyfriend was there & I squeezed his had as I felt a doctor pull all of my out my boyfriend watched the whole procedure as I cried for them to stop but it was too late they were done & I killed my baby. & go back to this day seeing them pic up a dish with my embryo in it, later that day I kept imagining the sucking & needles & doctor & I hated everyone who knew for not begging me not to go threw with it, & blaming my self for being so irresponsible. I'm still with my bf it'll be a year this month.... Everytime i see a pregnant women such as my friend who is as far along as I would've been I look at the floor & cry,I ant even look at other babies I am afraid to ever get pregnant again.