Stories from Women who've had abortions
Page 9 - Please remember as stated on the first page that these are the stories of many individual women, and are their personal views and feelings. Some have many different views, and different ideas about their experience. You may not agree with what they are feeling, or what they say. That's okay! The idea here is just to give women a chance to be heard about how they feel. If you've had an abortion, and need to talk about it right away, you can check out the I need to talk now! section
If you are interested in submitting your story, here's the link to Tell Your Story
- I had an abortion three years ago. I often think about it . I feel as if I took a special person away from life . I thin the best thing I have done is to write a letter to my child and light a candle and read it out loud. I know many people experience guilt. But , I believe if you look inside yourself and realize why at that time you made the choice. You may come to some resolution, and begin healing.
- I am only 17 years old, and had my abortion exactly 9 months ago, my due date would be February the 3, and i haven't been able to keep this date out of my mind. I have never stopped thinking about what a mistake I have made, I feel so awful, was it right? I keep thinking how badly I want it back, I want to cry on someone's shoulder, I want to talk, If i don't i will scream, I can no longer holdout, I needed to do something, so here I am. I never told my mom, for she would never execpy me again. I desperately want to be pregnant again, I feel I miss having something of my very own to have to myself. The father, has long been gone, he said that if i didn't have an abortion then he would break up with me, we were together 9 months before this happened and he was my first love, and I his. This shocked me, saying i would do anything for him, we went together to the clinic. They drugged me and took my baby, and the whole time I thought i could never have a baby, thats what I was told when I was 15, because I have recently gotten over a 2 year battle with anorexia and bulimia, and having been told I would never have children was the end of the world to me. I am so depressed every time I see someone my age who was allowed to have their baby, i burst into tears, I can't go on anymore like this
thank you very much for listening and giving me a chance to talk to people who understand.
- I was 16 when I got pregnant my mom and grandma wanted me to have an pressing my dreamsabortion; I thought of it but I could not bring myself to do. I thought of adoption but I knew if I were to go through the pregnancy and have the baby I would not want to give it up. So I went through pregnancy and had my child. I was not easy raising my son I had to give alot of things up like school and friends. My babys father has always been there for us but he hasn't been great. Now matter how hard it gets for me at times I never regret keeping my baby. Aim in college now I am going to school to be a nurse and my son is now 4 years old and in school. My son is who gives me strength. He makes me determined to achieve my dreams, so that I can be a good role model for him. I cant picture my life with out him. As for now I dont want any more kids. I dont think I would have an abortion. So I take care of myself I take birth control because I would rather live taking birth control than live with the guilt of having an abortion.
- Remembering the details feels so distance, as if I'm telling the story exceptirl I saw in a movie or read in a book. I don't feel like the same person anymore, but I know if I hadn't that experience I wouldn't be who I am today.
I was nineteen years old, 1992. I remember my younger cousin came to live with us at my parents. I was dropping out of college to go bartend in a local dive. My cousin was only a year and a half younger, but sometimes it seemed as if she was light years ahead of me in many fields on interest, especially boys. I had one or two real heart breaks by the time she had come to live with us. I was falling into the same foolish trap over and over again with boys. I didn't know what I really wanted, but I knew I wanted to feel love.
Julie (changed name) was full of life and seemed to get whatever she wanted whenever she wanted it. She seemed to exude sex appeal and boys followed her around like lost puppy dogs. Everyone loved her. I wanted that too. She showed me how to turn that double edge sword around. Sleep with who we wanted whenever we wanted and that was fine with us. This way we couldn't get hurt, sex was just sex. All for the fun of it, for the control.
It was the first time I had more than one partner in a month, and of course I got pregnant. I knew immediately, but he denied it was his of course. I confided in my mother. Raised Catholic, it didn't go over well at home. Here I was, always a good girl, now getting into a heap of trouble. She told my dad. It was a nightmare.
I feel so far away from it all today. For a long time thinking about it all made me cry. Now, listening to other people's stories about having had an abortion makes me cry. I'm completely detached from my own past in a way that, this my sound strange, disturbs me.
It's not like I want to spend the rest of my life crying over the abortion that I had when I was nineteen, but now I feel somewhat of an obligation to take care of that teenage rebel I once was. To tell her, just because he breaks your heart doesn't mean no one will ever love you. You are smart, you are beautiful, you have a lot to offer, you don't need to turn that double edge sword around, sex isn't just sex to you. It took me a long time to realize sleeping around didn't feel good. I was addicted to the feeling you get when you first fall for someone, but it never lasted because I wasn't honest with myself. It wasn't just sex. It meant something to me.
I yearn to be a mom in ways that I don't think are healthy some times. Everytime I see a baby, I just want to conceive! It's very strange. I am happy to report I found a wonderful man and we are engaged. No babies yet, but we both want that for our lives soon.
It took me a long time to know who I was looking for and once I put it in my head that I had standards and he was going to have to live up to them. Poof! He appeared and just like that, the love of my life entered my life. It took me a long time, but finally, I was honest with who I am. I appreciated my own self worth. I assessed what I needed in a mate. I refused to become involved with emotionally unavailable men.
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I had been with the same guy for about six months and I really loved him. I imagined spending the rest of my life with him. Raising our children together, growing old together. We started having sex a few weeks after we met. He wasn't my first, I'd lost my virginity when I was 17, and I would like to say I used protection ALL the time but I didn't. I used condoms sometimes, and was on the pill for a while, but after my parents stopped paying for it, I quite because I couldn't afford it. I was always lucky enough that I had never been pregnant before, although I'd had a few scares. When I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified. The blue line appeared almost immediately. I started to shake. Tears were rolling down my face. I went into the bedroom and laid down on the bed and just started bawling. My boyfriend was very quiet. He just held me and smoothed my hair and told me everything would be okay. This was the best he could have done at the time, but for some reason it made me angry that he said that. I kept thinking, "Yeah, sure, it's not you who has to deal with this." I feel guilty for thinking this now. He calmed me down a little and assured me that whatever I decided to do, he would be there for me. But anyway, the next few weeks were horrible. I had just moved out of my parents house and was completely broke. My boyfriend was making barely enough to feed us and keep a roof over our heads, and I was going to school. We kept putting off doing anything. I didn't tell a soul. I didn't want anyone to know, not even me best friend. It was really hard not being able to tell anyone what I was going through. I finally realized that neither I nor my parents could afford to keep this child, as painful as that was to admit, because I love kids. I just couldn't have one, I couldn't do it. I felt like I was still a kid myself, at 17. I also couldn't bear the thought of having to give up MY baby for adoption. Carrying it for 9 months, then just as I get to meet this little person, to have him or her taken away from me. I thought of how disappointed my family would be. So I decided to have an abortion. Having decided this, I caved in to the stress I was under and drank during my pregnancy sometimes. I told myself it didn't matter because I wasn't going to have the baby. I think I was in denial that I even was pregnant, so I just kept doing things like I usually did.I hate myself for doing that, because towards the end my boyfriend started to talk about having the child after all, which tore me up, because i wanted this too, it just was not possible.I felt like I was the only person on earth who would think of doing such a horrible thing. I was so scared that I had made my baby retarded or something. Now I felt like I couldn't change my mind. I was 5 months along and showing when I finally had the money to do it. I had to travel 10 hours away to have it performed. My boyfriend drove, and on the way there it was like we were just taking a road trip. We tried to not think about why we were going. I still didn't know if I was doing the right thing, or if I was going to hell for what I was doing... The first day, as I was waiting in the office sitting on those cold metal tables, I felt my baby kick severl times, as if it was telling me not to do it. But I felt like I had passed the point of no return, although now I know I could have just walked out and driven the ten hours home. I didn't. I started to cry , and the doctor came in and reminded me of my options. I cried even more, and decided to go ahead with it. The procedure involved inserting these Laminaria into my cervix. Since I was so far along, they inserted many large ones all at one time. This was very painful although the nurse said it would only be a little uncomfortable. I went back the next day and they removed those and inserted larger ones. I was in terrible pain by this point. My abdomen was cramping so bad I just lay there in bed and writhed in pain. They finally gave me some painkillers which helped a little but also made me sick and dizzy all the time. The only time I didn't hurt was when I was asleep. But I couldn't sleep very well because of the pain and my nervousness. They repeated this procedure several times, and finally it was the day that they would take out my baby. The clinic let my boyfriend be in the room with me to hold my hand, which I'm so grateful for. I knew he didn't really want to see it, but I told him he could do whatever he wanted, but I wished he would be by my side. And he was. He was so wonderful through the whole thing, acting as my nurse, letting me cry and bringing me cards and flowers and balloons to the hotel room to cheer me up. i could not have made it through with out him. But anyway, they gave me 3 different drugs, and I was conscious, barely. I could hear the machine and feel some pressure, but I felt like I was asleep. Now, I still don't know if I did the right thing. I feel like I should know. I hate what I did, but I felt trapped. I cry a lot, when I think about it. I want to have a baby now so badly, which seems like the cruelest punishment. Why didn't I feel that way before, and not screw up my baby and maybe I could have made it work. Found a way.I want to be able to hold a baby and dress it up and play with its tiny little hands and feet. I wonder if God thinks I am evil now. I wonder what might have been. I hope I have another chance someday to be a mother. Please Please don't let this happen to you!!!!!!!!!
- I had my abortion in Sept. of 2000.I have a 2 year old daughter and it is already so hard to provide for her,i couldn't imagine having another baby.My daughters father has nothing to do with either of us,no visits,no child support,nada.I go out almost every weekend,and i usually get drunk and sometimes i have one night stands,on this particular night i met a guy i was really interested in,we danced and talked and had so much fun together.He lived 3 hours away,but he was actually from California(i live in Ohio)he gave me his phone number and the next day my friend and i left our kids with their grandparents so we could go see Byron and his friend.We got there and we kicked it,we drank and partied and we had fun,we stayed the night and Byron and i ended up having sex like 3 or 4 times.The next day i had to pick my daughter up so we got up early and left,with the promise that he would call me and come see me the next weekend.What can i say,two days went by,he didn't call,so i called him on his cell phone,he was at work and he said he would call me later.He never called.I called him a few days later and he told me he was thinking about going back to California to stay with his mom,but that he wanted to see me before he left.I never saw him again.Truth was,he was in a L.A. gang called 18th St,and the he couldn't live without his boy,so he had to go back out there.i found out a month later that i was pregnant,my first thought was to keep the baby.I had it all planned out,i was to start school the next month and i was due in April,so i decided i would go until then and take summer quarter off to be with the baby and my daughter and everything would be ok.Then reality kicked in,my daughter and i live with my parents because i cant afford an apartment for us,let alone take care of 2 babies.I told my mom and she put alot of pressure on me to have an abortion,i decided she was right.I think if she would've said i support whatever decision you make,i may have kept the baby,but she didn't and i didn't.The people at the clinic i went to were awesome,they were really nice and supportive and answered all of our questions.I went by myself both days.I didn't have much pain and the bleeding stopped that night,but the emotional pain i feel is unbelievable.I cry alot and i dont talk to anyone about it.Not a day goes by that i dont think of him,in my heart i know he was a boy.I wonder what he would've looked like,Byron was from El Salvador,so he would've been biracial,and i know he would've been beautiful.Sometimes i see Hispanic babies and i think,thats how he would've looked.When i first made my appointment with my OBGYN,i was ashamed to tell them that i was having an abortion,so when they did my ultrasound they gave me four pictures.i was only nine weeks along,but i saw a baby in those pictures,i saw him kicking his legs and moving on the monitor,i barely got out of the office before i burst into tears.I threw them away after i had the abortion because i always wanted to look at them.I didn't really have anyone to support me,my mom probably thinks she did,but she just doesn't talk about it,and that is something i need to do.my best friend makes comments sometimes that make me feel like the trash of the earth.A few weeks ago another friend of ours was considering having one,and my best friend says to me,"I didn't think she was the type of person to do something like that".I dont think i will ever be the same and i know i will never forget the baby that i let be sucked out of my body,and the guilt will always be there,but i do know i dont want 2 babies without fathers,and with different fathers at that.I try to tell myself that i did the right thing,but Im not very convincing......
- I had an abortion at the age of 16. It was for medical reasons, but now I want my son home. Every night I think of him. This year in October, he would have been 3 years old starting preschool. I couldn't afford to take care of him anyway, but now that he's gone,I miss him very much. At least he is taken care of in HEAVEN by his Maternal and Paternal Grandparents. I miss you baby!!! Love Mommy
- In February 1981 I was raped.
For all the anguish and the lifelong emotional sentence that the victim serves, by far the most traumatic outcome of this violation of my body, was discovering that I was carrying my rapist’s child.
Continuing with the pregnancy was not a viable option and I did not, therefore, consider any other alternative than a termination.
How could I possibly give birth to a child under those circumstances? How would I ever be able to tell my child that he or she had been conceived not through love, but through a violent act that was an impressionable offence? How could I admit to my child that they were the by-product of rape? Would I ever be able to look at my child without thinking of that fateful night, when I had stupidly accepted a lift home from a guy whom I’d only met in a nightclub a couple of hours previously? How would my child feel knowing that he or she had inherited the genes of a sexual deviant?
I never reported the rape and I certainly never told my parents. I blamed myself for being so trusting and I did not wish to endure the third-degree police interrogation that I assumed was routine, having read some horror stories about similar incidents in the past.
When my pregnancy was confirmed by my doctor, I felt my world cave in around me. How did I break the news to my parents, with whom I was living at the time? I couldn’t admit that I had been raped, yet because they knew I didn’t have a regular boyfriend, I didn’t want them to think that I slept around. I couldn’t ignore the situation because as far as a decision about the baby was concerned, time was not on my side.
After agonizing over the dilemma for a day, I told my mother that I was pregnant, without giving any details as to who the father was or why it happened. Naturally, like any strict mother who feels that she has given her children a relatively stable upbringing, she was extremely angry and wanted to know the details. I simply told her that it had been a case of failed contraception.
“Of course, you’ll have to have an abortion”, she said curtly, not even considering that this was my body, my choice and that maybe I wanted to keep my baby. However, in one way I was relieved that she wasn’t part of the anti-abortionist lobby and that she would back the decision that, deep down, I knew I’d already made.
By the time I was admitted to hospital at eight weeks’ gestation, I was feeling extremely ill. I felt as though the 24-hour sickness was another punishment for my stupidity and each time I vomited, I convinced myself that my body was telling me that the pregnancy was not meant to be. When I eventually did go on to have a family of my own, I realized that the sickness was, in fact, the sign of a stable pregnancy. However, at the time of the termination, I was looking for any reason to condone my barbaric actions.
In terminating the pregnancy I felt that I was being unselfish. I was doing this, not for myself, but for the sanity of my parents and my unborn child. I was young, immature and could not offer a child the emotional or financial security that every new human life requires.
My selfish side, on the other hand, wanted to keep the baby, to have the unequalled pleasure of rearing my own flesh and blood. To nurture, to love and be loved in return. But what would I say to my child when he or she eventually began asking questions about his or her father? What psychological scars would it leave? My child didn’t deserve that.
On the day of the operation, I was admitted to a ward for women with various gynecological problems. The room I was in contained six beds, only two of which were already occupied. One woman looked as though she was in her early fifties and the other was about 20 years younger. After exchanging cursory greetings with the two women and hoping that neither of them would ask me the reason for my stay, the younger one came and sat on the end of my bed.
“What are you in for?” she Enquirer, smiling.
I faltered for a second or two. Did I tell her the truth or did I lie and say that I was in for a D&C? What was the point in bending the truth? After all, a thin cotton curtain pulled around a bed as a partition hardly acts as a sound barrier and conversations between doctor and patient are still clearly audible.
“I’m having a termination.” I replied, guardedly.
The woman’s expression changed, but wishing to divulge the real reasons, I found myself volunteering excuses such as failed contraception, not being ready for a child, still living with my parents and so on.
“What are you having done?” I continued, quickly, before she had time to respond to my pathetic justification.
“I’ve got fibroids”, she said. “I have a 13 year old son, but I’d like another child and it will be difficult for me to conceive unless the fibroids are removed. However, I’ve been told that if I do have them removed, there’s a high possibility that I’ll be infertile.” Her faltering voice betrayed her outward composure and I could sense that she was deeply distressed.
At that point I desperately wished that this whole horrible scenario were just a bad dream. To sympathize with this poor woman would have seemed so hypocritical. How could she ever believe that my empathy for her predicament was genuine? There was I, having conceived with ease, about to consent to having my baby ripped mercilessly from my healthy womb.
“Haven’t you thought about adoption?” she asked. “There are hundreds of childless couples out there who would give anything to have a newborn baby.”
This was turning into a nightmare, yet far from thinking that I didn’t deserve this interrogation, I believed that I was worthy of every ounce of pain that came my way. I did deserve this treatment. It was justified punishment for what I was about to do.
Any further excuse that I gave seemed pathetic. Eventually, the conversation terminated and the woman returned to her bed and lay down with her back turned towards me. Shortly after that, I could see her body shake and jolt intermittently as she wept silently.
A nurse came and sat on the woman’s bed and attempted to comfort her, after which she shot me a venomous glance and strutted out of the ward.
I knew then that I was the cause of this woman’s anguish.
I had never felt so wretched in my entire life.
The majority of the nursing staff who attended to me during my stay were extremely frosty and brutal. It was not just their approach in general because I observed their amicable bedside manner with other patients. There was only one nurse who treated me in a professional and unbiased way and she also confided that some of the nurses on the ward were anti abortion. It totally destroyed my faith in a profession that was supposed to remain detached from their personal prejudices when dealing with patients.
On the afternoon of the day I was admitted, the termination was performed. Just like in a bad dream where you open your mouth to scream, but no sound comes out, so I felt as I was being wheeled into the operating theatre.
When I regained consciousness following the operation, the brutal reality of this struck me with full force. Still drowsy from the anaesthetic but fully aware of immorality and ruthlessness of it all, I began sobbing uncontrollably.
My baby was dead.
“I hope you’re not expecting sympathy”, were the first words spoken to me by a stony-faced nurse whom I can only assume was a member of the anti-abortionist lobby.
A surge of nausea overwhelmed me, yet when I informed the nurse that I was going to be sick, she snapped, “Don’t be silly. You haven’t had anything to eat, so you can’t be sick.”
As she finished her font-of-all-knowledge statement, I raised my drowsy, throbbing head from the pillow, leaned over the side of the bed and promptly threw up on the floor.
“Oh, for God’ sake!” she shouted, “I bet you did that on purpose. There’s always one bloody awkward one, isn’t there?”
Why shouldn’t she be angry with me? I deserved to be punished. And yet I knew that my punishment would be the guilt and shame that I would carry with me for the rest of my life.
One part of me wanted to block out the pain, to resume my life and to erase the memory of this awful chapter in my life. However, another part of me wanted to suffer, wanted to be punished for the crime I had committed, for taking a precious life and for inflicting pain upon my unborn child. My sadistic curiosity meant that I had read enough to know that, even at eight weeks gestation, an embryo could feel pain.
I also believed that part of my punishment would mean never being able to bear any more children and so, just three months following the termination, I became pregnant again. This time it was planned and although, prior to conception, my boyfriend said that he wanted to be a father, his attitude changed once the pregnancy test was confirmed.
My boyfriend deserted me and my mother tried to blackmail me emotionally by telling me that I would have to move into a home for unwed mothers, should I choose to keep the child.
However, the whole focus of my life was on nurturing the life that was growing inside of me. Although I felt lonely and unloved, I bonded with my unborn child and vowed that he would never feel unwanted or worthless, as I had.
When my son was born in 1982, I gazed at his beautiful, pure face and thought about the baby that I had lost. Only a year previously, I had consented to end the life of a baby who could have been just like my son – perfect, healthy and innocent. Far from helping me to cope, having a baby only exacerbated my grief and intensified my guilt.
I still find it unbearable listening to debates on pregnancy termination and reading horrifying facts about the techniques used to perform abortions. Even now, I lock myself away in the bathroom and sob for hours when a comment, program or article triggers the memories of that awful day in March 1981.
I now have four wonderful children, two boys and two girls, my youngest daughter having been born in November 1999, yet the pain of that termination is still as fresh as it was nineteen years ago.
I never stop thinking about the baby that could have been, the baby that was, but who never saw daylight and whom I never saw. I will always wonder whether my first child was a boy or a girl, what he or she would have looked like, what he or she would be doing now, what joy my child would have brought to me and vice versa.
I will never be able to justify what I did, irrespective of the circumstances surrounding the unplanned pregnancy.
What I will have to live with for the rest of my life is the fact that I allowed my baby to be aborted.
- I was 21 and totally in love with a wild guy. I had only had sex a
few times with another boyfriend but this guy was my true love. He
was the towns biggest catch every girl wanted him and we had been
friends for 10 years. I was so happy when he decided to ask me if I
wanted to go for a ride in his car with him that of course I said yes
right away. I thought that when he never used anything that I would
be ok because it could never happen to me so we kept having sex.
Finally I missed a period but didn't think anything of it until 4 1/2
months later when I still hadn't had a period. So I went to the doctor
and a few weeks later she called me in too her office and told me that
I was pregnant and not only that but that the baby had a heart problem
and that I would need to make a decision right away and of course I
started crying no way was I going to have an abortion. I called my
sister in to the office and the Dr. told her everything. I had to
face telling my mother and I have never feared anything more in my
life I cried as she asked me how I could do something so stupid and
told me that there was just no way I could keep this baby. I went
back to the Dr. office and they couldn't find anyone in Canada who
would do it because I was so far along. I would have to go to the
states. So I called New York and they said they could take me in
the next week. I packed my things and drove down to get ready for
my three days of hell. But honestly I felt like the pain I felt was
a good punishment. This pain that I feel will never go away and I
know that. I will never be able to wash myself clean of the guilt
- Our story is a little different than most I've read tonight. I had no idea that I could get so much help and information onthis computer. Had I found these websites first I know I could have saved our baby.
My husband and I have 2 great boys one is 5 and other is 7. We never really talked about adding to our family till a year ago. Know deep down my husband did not want any more but I really thought I did. Always wanted a daughter. But finally I convinced him. I would go off the pill for a few months and nothing would ever happen and I would always chicken out and go back on until Dec. 2000. I took a pregnancy test and had it been negative I would have went right back on the pill as usual. But it was ++++. My husband and I were speechless. Deep down I was a little excited, I told our families and friends but inside I felt a severe depression settling in. All I could think about was I cannot handle 3 children. It was Christmas I was miserable, broke and very depressed. I had suffered severe post-partum after our first child and ended back in the hospital for 9 days. When I felt this desperate familiar depression coming on the first thing that popped into our heads was abortion. I have always been pro-life. I always thought there was a way to work things out, that killing babies was not the answer. I have an adopted brother myself. But in a hormonal, desperate state my husband and I had and abortion about 2 weeks ago. It has been horrible. We both know that we made a horrible mistake and wished like hell we would have backed out that snowy day.
He was very supportive of any decision I made. But when your depressed it's very hard to make a decision. Had I known these stories were here on my own computer I think I could have saved our chills life.
Please anyone who is thinking about abortion read these stories they are very true. Having an abortion is much harder than having a baby.
- I'm sharing my personal experience in hopes of helping someone. I am now 25 years old, I've had three abortions in my life, the first when I was only fourteen, at that age I was completely clueless and very naive,I assume after all these years I was still in my first trimester,but the experience was physically very painful. I, thankfully bounced back rather quickly from it, without my parents I probably wouldn't have. At seventeen I gave birth to my first child, a happy,fat,wonderful baby boy. After about a year or so his father and I called it quits.I then met the man who is now my husband, after we had been together about a year we found out we were pregnant, I of course ran out and bought stuff for a baby and the whole nine yards.When I was about three and a half months into it I started to have regrets and feelings of loathing for the baby, I asked my doctor what to do,she had no clue, she had never dealt with it before. Another month went by before my feelings completely overwhelmed me and I decided that abortion was my only option. My husband went with me to the clinic, it was a two day ordeal, seeing as I had to be dilated first. At my second visit the procedure was done and after they took my baby I could hear the nurse say "we never should have she was to far". I being stubborn did not allow my husband in the room, at that moment I realized what had transpired and wanted more than anything to just disappear. Over the next two years I was addicted to sleeping pills,and marijuana, thank god for my husband without him I don't know what I would have done. Shortly after I began recovering I found out I was pregnant again, we made the decision to abort that baby as well, although it was traumatic, I recovered fairly quickly.
I have referred to my husband as my husband during those few years but we were boyfriend and girlfriend. He and I were married June 24,2000. We are now eagerly expecting a little girl who will be here in about ten weeks, but throughout this pregnancy I can't help but think about my babies who never had a chance, and it has had an effect on me more profound than I let on to anyone. After all that I have been through, I am still prochoice but there are definite moments when I am prolife.
- i had a abortion in Fayetteville on Nov.16,2ooo they said i was 6 weeks i had been very sick since i had this surgery i kept throwing up the bottom of my stomach kept getting tight and then it would loosen up some times my stomach would be hurting so bad i had to walk looking down so i finally got to the point to where i wanted to know what was going on with my body. i goes the er on sun. jan.16,01 they gave me a vaginal ultra sound and told me i was 3 months and some days pregnant the doctors knew about the abortion during this time there not saying anything to me so after the doctor told me i was 3 months he left the room and i asked the nurse how can i be that far along and i had an abortion she would not talk to me and she also left the room another nurse came into my room and turned over her badge and told me to get a lawyer because the baby they suppose to have aborted was the one Im still carrying
Submission from the share a story page:
I was 17 years old and a junior in high school. I had been with my boyfriend (now my fiancée) for 6 months when I became pregnant. I had a gut feeling that something was wrong when I missed my Kyle but I didn't go to the doctor. Well, one day out of the blue, my mother decided that I should start taking birth control pills. I went to the doctor on a Monday and took the pap and the doctor gave me the pills. Right before I walked out of the door to leave his office he said that the nurse had forgotten to give me a urine sample. Well, I couldn't go so I had to come back to the doctor the next day. Tuesday morning, my mother and boyfriend accompanied me to the doctor. My mom and I sat in the waiting room and the nurse walked in but said that she couldn't tell us anything. Well, we knew right then what my results were. I was 19 weeks. My mother really didn't say anything, she just took my hand and put her arm around my boyfriend and said that she would take care of this and sent us off to school. Around 1 p.m. that same day, my mother called me at school and told me that she had made an appointment for me and to make sure I get all of my work. There was very minimal conversation between her and I between Tuesday and Friday (the day of my abortion). My best friend offered for me to come live with her family. My boyfriend and I just tried to not talk about it. He did try to persuade my mother that we could take care of this baby. Well, Friday, May 24, 1996 at 10 a.m we(me, my mom, and boyfriend) went to the doctor's office. They told me that I wouldn't remember anything. I wanted my boyfriend to come in with me but they wouldn't let him. I think I hurt my mom's feelings when I asked for him in the recovery room instead of her. Since then I have had reoccurring nightmares, it is hard for me to see my godchild because her mother conceived the day of my abortion. I still cry alot, not as much as I used to though. Every now and then my fiancée and I will talk about our child. I catch him crying sometimes when we leave from seeing our goddaughter or when we start talking about our future family, he always refers to our 1st child as our 2nd. To this day, I still haven't told my father what happened.
- I came to this site when I was trying to decide whether to keep or abort my baby. Anyone whose story sounded anything like mine seemed to say it was the biggest mistake of their lives- they, like me, were in their early twenties and felt pressured into the abortion. I have always been pro-choice, but I always said it wasn't for me. I was excited when I found out I was pregnant, I spent many nights and dreaming about my baby, I picked out names I went shopping for things I'd need,I went to my ultrasound and heard the little heart beat. I loved every minute of it... except talking to the baby's father. When we got together he continually talked of how he wanted children so bad, so when I got pregnant I thought he'd be happy. I couldn't have been more wrong. He pushed and pushed for an abortion. He promised he'd be there for all my appointments, he promised he'd be there to spend the night with me after it was done. I thought for three months about it and then realized what I had to do... and I did it. The only promise my "boyfriend" kept was that he would drive me to the hospital and drive me home afterwards. While I was in the hospital I had to fight so hard to keep from crying. The procedure itself was nothing like I thought it would be; I thought the staff and other patients would be judgmental, I thought the machine would be loud and memorable, and I thought that I would be in a room full of wailing women. It wasn't that bad at all. Although the procedure itself was very painful, even with the drugs, the staff was wonderful. They understand what you're going through, they see it every day. So they talk to you like you're a person, not just an appointment number, and because of them not a single person was crying. The atmosphere was pleasant and caring, it wasn't the slaughterhouse I imagined. Now in the aftermath I am fine. I was afraid I'd be unable to function because I wanted that baby more than anything. But here I am, an honors university student, and I work with kids every day. I thought I wouldn't be able to be around them at all. I want to stress to every woman who is thinking of having an abortion this thought: think about the baby first. That is what made me able to have the abortion and to deal with it. I know that if I had had that baby he/she would have grown up without his/her father, I wouldn't have been able to give them the things they wanted, I probably would have ended up on social assistance, I would have been unhappy and so I would not have been the mother that a baby deserves. So when you think about giving a baby a life, think about giving it a REAL life, not just a set of lungs and a heart. Every day when I was a kid I begged god to let me die, I do not want to ever bring a child into a situation where he/she will do the same thing. I had the abortion and although I will never say I am glad I had an abortion, I will say that I am glad that any children I have are going to grow up with a mother, a father, and in a home where they don't have to worry about where the food is going to come from.
Well my story goes a little bit like this.It was SEPTEMBER the 30th,2000.It was this big party happening at this hotel very nice hotel if i must say.I was a private dancer at the time so thats why I was there. I couldn't wait to go out there and dance it was one of the biggest shows I've ever done. The other girls and I shared this big room to change and stuff. One of the dancers brought in achocl. And I've never drunk be so i was debating the fact if i wanted to or not. well about 30 mine's went by it was show time.I went out there had fun and decided I wanted to take in alittle to drink so I did. I went back to the room to change where the echoic was, and just took in alit more.It was a couple of guys in the room who were the guards and some weren't. I knew I was a little out of it because some of the other dancers told me to stay in the room and kept telling people to watch me.But I was OK. There was a cute guy that caught my eye. So we started talking about alot of things I told him how I wanted to leave into the military and go to school.And he told me all of his future plans. Well the night was over and we connected and next thing u know it I had slept with him. He wore a condom the first time but the second time he didn't. All a sudden quickly i said u didn't. I know u didn't come inside me. And all he said was "Im sorry". I just started crying. I got up and sat on the bathroom floor and kept saying "Im not pregnant" over and over again. I couldn't think straight. I knew it wasn't true. Then the guy came over to where I was at and said Im not ready to be a father and you got your hole future ahead of you. But if u decide to keep this baby if you are pregnant I'll be there. I didnt believe nothing that came out this guys mouth . I didn't even know him. So i said i cant have this baby i just cant. So then he said well we know what we need to do. Well weeks went by I never went to get a test. i just decide to wait until my period came. cause i couldn't go into a store and buy a test. i was to ashamed of what I did that night. The next day one of the girls from the night be asked me was i ok. Because i had to much to drunk. And i said yes thank Im ok. well my period never came and i Ws really worried. so then i got a friend of mind to get the test for me. Called the guy up and told him Im about to take the test. So he said call me and tell me the news .. Well i took the test and i watch the line go from 1 to 2 lines. I felt my heart drop. I couldn't even pick up the phone to tell him. I just cried and cried . I end up calling him about 10 mine's later. And telling him the bad news. another week went by my design changed i was going to keep the baby. Then another week went by and then i said i cant. So i made an appt. he and I went together I couldn't believe i was here. when i got there i took a seat in the far back. And tears just streamed down my face. i quickly wipe them off hopeing no body didn't see me. Well i was there in that room for about an 2 hours. Finally my name was called and once again i felt my heart stop. As I laid onto of the table bed I just cried. As I felt my baby dieting. When it was all over we left and he drop me off and asked me if he could come in. Nobody was at my house everybody was gone. I got out the car and never looked back. This guy was no help at all. No help at all.
- I was 17 years old and a senior in high school when I found out I was pregnant. I had been in an abusive relationship for the past 5-6 months and when this guy got mad rape was a part of the abuse. Even before the pregnancy test I knew I was pregnant. The morning sickness had kicked in right away and I found myself running out of math class one morning. It wasn’t a big shock to me when the test came out positive. It took a while to do it but I told my mother about a month or a little more so into the pregnancy. It was during this time that I found out that as well as deciding to be an unasked for sperm donor the guy I was with had also given me mononucleosis and I became incredibly sick with it. I came to the realization that an abortion would be the best choice. I didn’t have a job; I was still in school and planning on going to college in the fall. The mono also had it’s effect’s on me swelling my throat so that I had to go on steroids because it was impossible for me to eat, drink, breathe or swallow. I didn’t think that a child starting out with a mother who wasn’t sleeping or eating and who was on body altering drugs had the best start that they could. I felt at the time that I was doing the right thing. My parents agreed to let me make my own decision. This surprises me because to this day they still don’t know that the only reason I became pregnant was through abuse – they don’t know that I have been raped.
I still remember walking in to have the procedure done. I can’t remember a time where I have ever felt more violated – even being raped didn’t have quite this effect on me. There was one nice nurse but they wouldn’t give me anything to help with the physical pain I was in. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t do it because that would have made me move and moving would have made the whole thing worse. I don’t even have to close my eyes to remember the feeling of them literally sucking the life of my child out of me. They didn’t even have the decency to block the jar attached to the vacuum and I could see everything. I could do nothing now it was in their hands because once they started the procedure I couldn’t say no any longer. I had to lie there knowing that I was looking at the remains of my child sitting in a pile of mush inside a jar. I couldn’t take back my choice and it just made me want to wretch. I have never felt so sick and upset in my life. After finishing I went out to meet my mother in the waiting room. We still haven’t talked about what happened. I bled for a few weeks and every day seeing that blood I was just another reminder and flashback to that jar and what I had done.
I am still cannot say completely that I regret my decision – I couldn’t have had a baby then and adoption just wasn’t an option for me. The father would have tried to step in and gain custody of the child and I couldn’t let this happen. I found out shortly after realizing that I was pregnant that this person had tried to get me pregnant so that he could live on welfare – he could get more money I guess with having a child. But there is a huge part of me that feels so selfish for my decision. There are times that I see children of the same age as him – I truly feel that the baby was a boy – and I just want to cry or go pick them up. I have dreams and nightmares where sometimes I can just see this beautiful child without a real face and I hear him crying out to me and saying, “Mommy how could you do this to me? Why don’t you love me!” I feel so guilty sometimes. I can’t take back my decision but I really wish I could at times. I’ve matured some at this point in my life and if it happened again I think my decision would be to try and keep my child.
- My name is joyce and i was going out with my boyfriend Kurt for about a year and a half before we had sex. I knew i wanted to be with him. We had unprotected sex many,many times and i never thought it could happen to me. I was late and my boyfriend told me he didn't want to be around me til i knew i was not it made him uncomfortable to be around me so i lied and told him i got my period. I found out i was pregnant a few days after and he was out of town at a funeral. When i got the test back i was crying all the time. I told Kurt the very next day and he reacted very meanly. He told me that if i decided to keep the baby the only thing i would see of him was a check every month. Here i thought i had a person who would love me through anything and here he was giving me an ultimatum. I wanted him so i choose an abortion. I had to do all the preparing and calling here i was 19 and pregnant. I had my abortion in March1999 and i still remember it like it was yesterday. I go to the clinic and i get all the drugs they can give me i feel them give me a needle in my cervix since i was only 11 weeks pregnant and they were playing debra cox in the background to this day i can not listen to debra cox it brings back too many bad memories. I woke through the procedure and see them sucking me baby out of me with some suction tube. I was very angry at my boyfriend and i am still angry at him i have not coped very well with my loss since i felt it wasn't my decision. I am haunted by the imagine of the suction tube to this day and i will never forget the day of my abortion to the day i die. Kurt and i broke up after that and i am in a wonderful relationship with this guy named Brian and i know he would not act this way.
- Let's see, I was 17 when I had my abortion.At first I wanted to keep it but as I thought about it I really didn't want it.When I found out I was pregnant I told everyone because I thought I was going to keep it. After about a month and a half passed and thats when I decided. I was at school that day and I went to my councilor and told her. I was very upset about it and I went home. My dad came and got me and I told him and my step-mom. They supported me with the decisions I wanted to make. I made and appointment on Jan. 2 2001 and I went and had it done. That morning I went to the doctors and they put something around my cervix and they gave me a pill to take befor I returned. When I went back at 2:00 pm they gave me a shot of Toradol and they had me lay lay down for about half an hour. The doctor went in and they did the procedure and that was the worst pain I have ever felt. I remember the pain but I dont remember anything else. After that was over I went home and cried that whole day and whole night. I dont regret having it done because I'm only 17 and I have so much ahead of me in life. When I told my mother and mysisters they were kinda mad at me. My babies dad was the most mad. He yelled and told me I was taking away his baby and other things. I didn't let that stop me. It was my decision and I had to do what I had to do. Now I have a wonderful boyfriend who is helping me threw all this and I am moving in with him in 2 months. I fell better doing this no instead of later. Threes always other times to have kids and then wasn't the right time. Make sure that it's the right thing you want to do and follow your heart.
- I had my abortion yesterday. One week to the date of my 22nd birthday. I can't say that I did not want the baby that was growing inside of me, but due to medications I take, I felt the right thing to do was to have an abortion. I could not be sure that anything about my child would've been healthy, yet I also have no proof that anything would've been wrong, so I will always wonder. I'm not sure what I'm feeling yet. After the procedure yesterday, I felt so relieved, and in a way I still do, yet I also feel an overwhelming sadness. As I read over these stories, I became more and more concerned about the actual procedure that was performed on me. It seems that the clinic that I went to took no measures at all to really discuss my decision with me or make me feel at all comfortable during the procedure. I was given no anesthesia. Five minutes before the abortion I was given two pills, one valium and one ibuprofen. Thank God that my boyfriend was at least allowed in the room to hold my hand because without him in there, I don't know what I would've done. When I was actually walked in for the procedure, I was terrified, but had somehow comforted myself. Little did I know what I was in for. I have a very high tolerance for pain, but this experience was a kind of pain that I could never imagine. I was given two injections into my cervix to help me to dilate, yet again, I don't feel this medicine was given time to work. The doctor then told me that he was going to insert the rods to dilate my cervix, and that I might feel some cramping. I was in so much pain that I barely remember this part. I know that I was holding my boyfriend's hand as tightly as I could, and that he had to remind me to breathe because I was literally in so much pain that I forgot to. He asked me if I wanted his other hand as well, but all I could do was grit my teeth and shake my head no. I remember the doctor saying that he was now going to start suctioning, and that I would feel more cramping. All I could think was please don't let this hurt anymore because I won't be able to handle it. Then it was over. My stomach hurt more than I ever thought possible. The doctor finished, asked if I was O.K., and left, while I was still lying on the table. I didn't know what to do from there and neither did my boyfriend. For all I could imagine, I must've been bleeding uncontrollably, but I wasn't. The nurse handed me a sanitary napkin and left the room. I remember asking my boyfriend what I should do because my clothes were in another room. Luckily he went and got them for me. I put them on and proceeded to get up from the table. I can still feel the sweat from all of the pain dripping down my face. We began to walk down the hall to the recovery room, and he had to leave me. I wanted him to stay so badly, but he wasn't allowed. Then, finally, the valium kicked in. I was trying to make it to the chairs in the recovery room, and everything started fading away. Luckily a nurse noticed me stumbling clumsily down the hall and guided me into the room. I begged her not to let go of me because I knew I was on the verge of passing out and I told her that I would hit the floor if she let go. They took my blood pressure when I finally made it to recovery, and it was 80/40. No wonder I could barely walk, but the nurse wasn't alarmed at all. Then I sat for fifteen minutes until they could check the bleeding. The lady who had her abortion after me was screaming her lungs out down the hall. I felt her pain, and I think everyone in the recovery room did. When I went to check my sanitary napkin, they gave me a shot because my blood type is O neg.., therefore I am RH neg.. I told the nurse that there was no blood, and begged her to tell me that this could also be normal because I couldn't go through the whole thing again. She said I was fine, and I was sent home with only infection medicine and methergine to close my cervix. I was given no pain medicine at all. I still have not bled much. The only blood that has passed has been a clot that did not look like blood at all. When I saw this, I started crying and just said I'm so sorry. It's now three in the morning. My boyfriend is working, and I am here alone. I've begun to run a low temperature, and my cramping has become worse. I'm afraid to go to sleep, and that's why I am still up. All in all, the whole procedure was very traumatic, and I would not use this clinic again. I don't know what to feel. I just have to ask, was my procedure normal, or was it out of the ordinary?
I found out that I was pregnant on my 28th birthday. My boyfriend who was incapable and unwilling to be a father and a husband as I and our child needed him to be, pushed for an abortion. I didn't want to go through with it. I was in bad financial straight with no good prospects, feeling desperate and angry and alone and terribly disillusioned. Two weeks later I went thru with the procedure. Our son (I was sure I was carrying a boy), would have been a year old this month. I find myself crying just about everyday thinking of what might have been, of what I gave up (not just a piece of my flesh, a piece of my soul, my peace of mind and my self respect). This is but the condensed version. I have set up a forum for women suffering from PASS at Delphi and so far there have been no posts. I feel so depressed and it's like, I'm the only one? I don't know if this is permitted, but I'd like to share my URL with everyone in the hopes that some of you will check out my forum which contains some very private poetry and add their experiences/grief/hope to mine. Please look up www.Delphi.com/littlebean I feel as though there is no comfort to be had and that no one understands. I have talked with a few women who have had abortions but felt positive about their decision and seemed to have no problem with it. I don't judge them. I don't understand them either. And I wish I could stop feeling so worthless and undeserving of another blessing. Recently, there was a chance that I might have been pregnant. When I found out that I'm not, I felt completely devastated. I've written a poem to that effect that I'd like to share here, separately from this posting.
- In The Valley Of The Shadow Of Wretchedness
by Usr. Jan 2001
i made a horrible mistake that no action can correct...
there is a silent scream welling up in me
threatening to split my ears from the inside out
tearing at my heart hammering in my breast
squeezing at my brain till it bleeds
i thought I'd put this behind me
i thought it was consigned to the past
i thought i could handle this on my own
i thought, "i cannot tell this to anyone"
i didn't want to sob myself sick in a roomful of strangers
i didn't want to take on another's pain
i didn't want to share my private loss with everyone
i didn't want it to end this way
i prayed something good was coming soon
i prayed it would be new life
i prayed for a girl, a replacement for my boy
i prayed i was right
i hoped he would understand
i hoped he could respond with joy instead of fear
i hoped he might see it as a welcome thing
i hoped it would be a new beginning
i wish the test had been positive
i wish i could medicate this pain
i wish i could put it all behind me
i wish i were happy again
there is a deadly pain welling up in me
threatening to turn me inside out
tearing at my mind throbbing in my psyche
squeezing my spirit till it's well bled of strength
and now i comprehend sorrow
when compounded with regret
and now i comprehend grief
when laced with loss and defeat
i want to live
i want to die
i want to make the pain melt away forever
i want to keep the pain a part of me so i never forget
i do not want to make the same mistake again