Very few people, even my husband know about my abortions. Yes, I use
abortion in the plural, because I had 2 of them. Both within a 2 year
period, in a very very hard time in my life. I was already a single parent
of the most wonderful little boy alive but it was so hard, by myself
and with no help. I sometimes couldn't feed myself, I always made sure
he ate, but I myself went without at times. His father didn't help,
except to come and get him on an occasional Satnight. I was 22 years old
and very scared, I would try to get some kind of youth and vitality
back in my life by going out with "RON", who was young and carefree. So I found out I got
pregnant "Ron" said he didn't want it - and wouldn't help.
I was already struggling - Another baby just didn't seem like the right
thing for me or my son. So I aborted it. I'll never forget that
feeling - I cried until I was put too sleep and woke up with tears
still wet on my face. "Ron" was very uncaring and acted as if I was
annoying him by crying about it. That night I held my son so close he
had to tell me to stop "hugging so tight". Being the typical lonely
poor me, I took "Ron" back after he apologized. We dated for awhile,
again I didn't learn my lesson and got pregnant again. Same routine, same feelings, same thoughts.
So there are my abortion stories - Told to strangers but never to those
close to me. I have the most wonderful husband now. We've been together
4 years now. And though we have my son to grow with, we often talk
about having another. So, we tried and I miscarried. I kept blubbering
to my husband that I didn't deserve to have a baby. And I still feel
the same way. That something bad is going to happen again if we try
to have a baby. I just threw 2 good babies away - And who cried for
them except me? It tortures me alot - I often wonder if its the little girl
that I want so bad but don't deserve to have.
I am not a victim, I'm educated and if the choices I sometimes make
aren't the right ones, I learn from them and try to move on. However
the abortions have left me scared, sad, and ashamed of what I have done.
Guilt and remorse are as real today as they were 7 years ago. I never
knew anything about PASS. I really felt as if what I was feeling was my
punishment along with my miscarriage. I don't know how to make
it any different. Please help...
Thank you for listening and giving me the opportunity to share something
I"ve kept in for 7 years.
Name: Emma(Name) Cheyenne
I am 23 years old. I had an abortion in March and ever since then I haven't been able to get it out of my mind. It is the most emotionally painful thing I have ever gone through. I grew up with very religious parents and have never even considered the thought of abortion for myself. When I first found out I was pregnant, I was terrified, because eventhough as a child I always dreamed about having children someday, when I got a positive test result, I was going through a period when I wasn't sure if I would ever be emotionally ready to give up my freedom to take care of a baby, because when you're a mother, you're a mother for life. I had been seeing my boyfriend for 9 months, he is 11 years older than me and divorced with no children, and we were not ready for a baby yet. It was still early in our relationship, and I was in my last semester of college, with no substantial income and he was between jobs. He was battling high monthly bills and at the time was paying his utilities with credit cards. He couldn't see how he would be able to support himself, a baby and me (since I wouldn't be working for a while after the baby came and I hadn't got a job in my field yet)He said that if I really wanted the baby we would find a way to do it, and I would not do it alone, but he wasn't sure if we would end up together in the end. He thought the stress of the situation so early in our relationship would tear us apart. He obviously did not want me to have it, he didn't say one encouraging word about having the baby, only pointed out all of the negative aspects of it. Plus the burden of my parent's disappointment and embarrassment in me would have been almost unbearable for me to handle. So, considering all of these things, we decided to have the abortion. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it. I thought I would be ok. I have a couple of friends who have had abortions, and they are ok, so I thought I would be. I was totally fine, up until I heard the vacuum sound in the doctors office, it was then that I lost it. Immense feelings of guilt and sadness overcame me. I felt irresponsible and I began to mourn over never being able to see, hold, or care for my baby, it still seems weird to call it that, my baby. I actually had what was going to be a baby inside me. At the time of the abortion, it was only a cell, (I was only about 7 weeks along. Now, I don't feel guilty about the procedure itself, because it wasn't a physical baby, it was just a cell, but the sadness of never knowing my first child haunts me. I wonder what it would look like, and I knowing what I know now and the regretful feelings I have about it, I wish that I had not had the abortion. I'm scared that God will punish me by never being able to have children now. I wish so much that I could go back to that day, and make it not happen. Sometimes the pain is so unbearable that I don't know how I will ever live with it for the rest of my life. I'm young. I will forever have this on my conscience, and I hope someday I can forgive my boyfriend and myself for the decision we made, I made. I am hopeful that someday I can learn to accept my decision and realize I made the decision that was best for me at the time, and I could not predict what my feelings about it would be in the future. Always remember that you can only make the best decision you can at that time, given the information you have.
My story is very long and spans over fifteen years. I come from a
very strict and rigid Catholic family, which may explain why I would
rebel and be careless with my past sexual experiences. The old cut
your nose off to spite your face syndrome.
It has been fifteen years since I had my first abortion. I was
sixteen. My boyfriend was 22 and wanted to marry me and have the
child. But I was sixteen and a sophomore in high school - and scared!
With the role model of a strict Catholic father, I was certain that
God would through me in to a pit of everlasting fire for having
premarital sex. My family was moving across the country in two weeks
when I found out. Out of desperation to "correct" the situation, I had
the abortion, and three days later moved across country. I was alone
through that entire experience, and never shared it with anyone until
I experienced a deep depression following the move and the abortion.
I locked myself in my new room for three weeks!
Later, when I was a freshman in college, I had to drop out of school
because I was experiencing severe depression. I was considering
suicide, and became emancipated. That summer I saw a psychologist,
who put me on Prozac for depression and Xanax for anxiety. I never
told her about the abortion. I was in such a deep denial that I
didn't think it mattered.
I went off the drugs after finding out the side effects, and later
started taking herbs and supplements to treat the symptoms of
depression and anxiety, and eating a vegetarian, organic diet. (I
still do to this day)
My second abortion was when I was 20. I was in college, and my
boyfriend was a 24-year-old professional who lived four hours away. He
came up immediately when he found out. He wasn't sure how I was going
to handle the situation and was concerned about my mental stability.
I remember sitting in his jeep in a driving rain, and feeling the
resistance from him. I considered having that child with him, but he
resented the idea. Goals and financing were his primary issues. So I
had the abortion, and he and I broke up shortly there after.
A few months later I found I had cervical dysphasia, and had laser
My third abortion came after an evolution in my spiritual beliefs. I
had been married and then divorced. Following my divorce, I was
celibate for two years. I just wanted to focus on the healing. I was
27 and met a man who was 46. We wanted to offer me a home and a safe
haven to continue my healing process. So I accepted, only to
experience his sexual advancements, resulting in yet another
pregnancy. This time I was pissed! What the hell was going on? I
felt as if his attempts to get me pregnant were intentional. I started
to eat junk food and a lot of it. He was a "starving artist" and I
certainly did not want to have a child with this man. I didn't love
him and I didn't feel secure with him. He already had a child that he
had abandoned financially years earlier.
Somehow, we scraped the money together and I had yet another abortion.
The experience this time was much more traumatic for me. I wasn't so
detached and could really feel the intense act of going against the
prime directive of Mother Nature. I moved out and have had a great
deal of anger towards him since.
I met my life-partner a couple years ago. We have been struggling
with my sexual inhibitions that have resulted from these experiences.
He has been very patient and loves me very much. He and I want to have
children. But first I need to heal from these experiences.
I've started to do some healing writings from all of these
experiences. I've realized that the source comes from the issue of
anger with my father, and at times, my mother. I wrote "The Letter"
to my father a few months ago, and haven't heard from him since. He
and I hadn't been talking for a few years anyway, ever since my
divorce. He has no idea that I've had even an abortion, never mind
three. And if he did know, he would never talk to me again. But he
doesn't even talk to me now. So I ask myself at this moment, "So
what if I did tell him?" It wouldn't change any type of personal
dynamics between us, but maybe it would help me heal?