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Stories from Women who've had abortions

Please remember as stated on the first page that these are the stories of many individual women, and are their personal views and feelings. Some have many different views, and different ideas about their experience. You may not agree with what they are feeling, or what they say. That's okay! The idea here is just to give women a chance to be heard about how they feel. If you've had an abortion, and need to talk about it right away, you can check out the I need to talk now! section
If you are interested in submitting your story, here's the link to Tell Your Story


Story Index

| Stories Page 1 | Stories Page 2 | Stories Page 3 | Stories Page 4 | Stories Page 5 | Stories Page 6 | Stories Page 7 | Stories Page 8 | Stories Page 9 | Stories Page 10 | Stories Page 11 | Stories Page 12 |

  • I am 27 year old mother of 3. I had an abortion almost 6 years ago.

  • I felt pressured into having the abortion. I went to the clinic with a friend and if he hadn't been there I would have ran in front of a car.

  • I was barely 16 yrs. old when I had my abortion. I had been dating a guy that my parents did not approve of.

  • I hadn't had my menstrual cycle since June 99 when I first went to the doctor on September 24, 1999 for stomach cramps. My doctor examined me and said she thought I had an ovarian cyst.

  • I'm 36, at 18 I had an abortion. I just realized(while PMS'N), that my baby would have been 18 this year. I've never really tried to keep up with that before.

  • Four days ago I went and did it. I got an abortion. I thought that being 40 and already a mother of two that this procedure would be a breeze to go through.

  • On the outside, I'm sure we looked like the perfect family. In some ways I think we were.

  • I am so glad to have found this board. I am 30 years old and the mother of a beautiful 3 year old girl and 4 year old boy.

  • I was sixteen when I became pregnant. It was clear for me to abort my child. I really cannot understand why i did that, because since then my life became terrible.

  • I was 16 and I fell very much in love with my best friends brother. That was a mistake in itself at the time.

  • I was travelling when I found out I was pregnant. It was September 1997 and my boyfriend and I were visiting his home in Italy on our way back from Israel.

  • I am 19 years old and I just had an abortion 1 week ago.

  • I have known my boyfriend for about 6 years. We went out when I was 14 and he was 16. My first true love (how sweet).

  • I'm 18 years old and just had an abortion at 4 months pregnant. Everything has gone okay so far.

  • I am 27 year old mother of 3. I had an abortion almost 6 years ago. I feel as though I have recovered from it all. It took alot of tears, and good friends. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. It was March 18th 1994, my husband and I lived in Texas at the time and I had just been discharged from the military. I borrowed the money from a friend, I lied about why I needed it. We drove to Fort worth Texas to have the procedure. Lucky for me there were no protesters that day. I walked in filled out the paperwork and paid my $265 dollars. All I could do was cry. The nurse called me back to do my blood work. I started to cry. The nurse was so cruel, she looked at me in disgust and told me if I didn't stop crying she would call for a counselor. As if that is a bad thing. In fact no one counsels you at all they just take your money. I pulled myself together and had my ultrasound. The nurse doesn't let you look at the monitor. I knew what was there I had 2 children. After that they give you drugs to call you down and relax your muscles(I guess). Then they call you back to have your baby removed. The doctor was pretty gentle, and the nurse was as well. That was a relief for me. I felt pretty worthless. The doctor sucked out my baby ripping her or him limb from limb and discarded him or her in a plastic bag. My baby was dead and I felt dead to. I was a mother how could I have done this. I cried all the way home. My husband was wonderful he held my hand the whole way. I needed his comfort. I don't believe I did the right thing. I would take it back if I could. Abortion is wrong babies are a gift, not a right. They don't deserve to die that way. That is just my opinion, I don't judge other women for there views, we're all human anyway. We all make mistakes. This is how I see it from my own experiences. I know God has forgiven me for what I did. I have just begun to forgive myself. I pray every chance I get. I pray that when I die I will see the baby I let go. I want the opportunity to say I sorry to my child. Oneday I will tell my 3 children about the brother or sister they have in heaven. I still wonder what the baby would have looked like. I have made peace with everything. Sometimes I doubt that however. It is all apart of me, apart I don't like but a part none the less.
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  • I felt pressured into having the abortion. I went to the clinic with a friend and if he hadn't been there I would have ran in front of a car. April 17, 1999 . I felt pressured into having the abortion. I went to the clinic with a friend and if he hadn't been there I would have ran in front of a car. I could not stop crying and shaking. I never ever felt such pain in my life. The emotional pain was so overwhelming that I could not feel the physical pain from the procedure. I cried and shook for hours until my friend took me to the hospital emergency room. The doctor gave me sedatives. I still could not stop crying. I was so traumatized that I did not even notice the amount of blood I was losing. After two days I mentioned to my friend that I was still bleeding alot. He took me back to the emergency room. After some tests the doctor came in and told me they had to do a D & C. I broke down in hysterics. If there was a chance that my baby was still alive I was not going to let anyone near me. They must have injected something into my IV because I felt that groggy feeling again. Later that evening a female gynecologist came to see me and said that she wanted to try a drug that would induce cramping so that the bleeding would stop. She said I would not need a D & C but there was no way my baby was still in my womb. The baby's father came to see me and he was crying. I still wonder why.. I spent two days in that hospital for the bleeding. I ended up in the psychiatric ward of another hospital for two weeks. The baby's father only came because the head of the psychiatric department called him. I broke all ties with him. I'm still in agony. Every day is just a struggle. I cried every single day for eight months. I've been crying for the past two hours. I went into an internet sight that shows pictures of aborted fetuses. My baby was 6 weeks old... He had a heart and eyes and a spine. Sometimes I'll be going about my day and I'll have a flashback. I did not go to sleep during the abortion. I remember everything in vivid detail. I have no one to blame but myself. No one understands. I'm told most women go on with their lives. Maybe I'm crazy. I made the biggest mistake in my life and I can't take it back. Everyday I ache to hold my baby. I listened to the baby's father... he said it was a simply procedure... he also said he would be there for me. The counselors at the clinic told me it was just tissue. I am 30 years old. I should have had my baby. I listened to all the reasons why I shouldn't have. And the world looks so different. I walk around in a daze. Wondering why God was so cruel as to let me live... I don't expect you to read this. It' more for myself I guess. But I have no one who understands what I am going through.
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  • I was barely 16 yrs. old when I had my abortion. I had been dating a guy that my parents did not approve of. I was barely 16 yrs. old when I had my abortion. I had been dating a guy that my parents did not approve of. When my mother found out that I was pregnant, she insisted that I have an abortion. She gave me no other option, either I did it, or I would be out on the street. I really wanted to leave. I decided to call my boyfriend (secretly) and tell him that I was pregnant. His reaction was very shocking to me, he denied being the father. I had no other resources, no where else to turn. All the while, my mom kept insisting that abortion was the only answer. She enlisted the help of my older sister who was in nursing school. They kept telling me that at 4 weeks, it was not a baby. That abortion really was the only option I had. I was terrified of being out on my own, as I had no transportation, no money, no job, nowhere to live. I had lived a pretty sheltered life up until that point, I had never had to do anything on my own. I came from an extremely wealthy family, so I didn't even know how to clean a room. I finally gave in and had the abortion, I didn't feel I had any other choice. On the day of my abortion, my parents packed all of my belongings and me into the van. They took me to have the abortion, then they drove me from Texas to Arizona to a co-ed boarding school. We left from the clinic and drove straight through to Arizona. I remember feeling so alone, and absolutely terrified. I had just gone through the most traumatic experience of my life, and there I was in another state all alone. I had an incredibly large hole in my heart. Then I met another boy, and by the time summer break arrived, I was pregnant again. This pregnancy was not an accident, but a foolish plan to try to repair the emptiness I felt. When my mother found out that I was pregnant again, she went ballistic. She wanted to force me to have another abortion. This time I refused. She kicked me out of the house, but I didn't care. I was determined to have this baby. The father lived in California, and I was back in Texas. His mother agreed to let me move in with them, even though she also thought I should abort the baby. When my mom found out that I was planning to move to California, she agreed to let me come back home. Things were not easy, but we managed to get through them. When my daughter was born, 8 years ago, I felt this terrible pain and sadness for I knew I was missing part of my family. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about my child, that I killed. I am constantly reminded that I should have two children with me, not one. These are things that the pro-abortionist don't tell you. They don't tell you that you will live the rest of your life with extreme guilt, knowing that you aborted your own child. They don't tell you that you will miss this child every day of your life. They want you to believe that it is an easy fix to a very complicated problem. These people have never had an abortion, and do not know the excruciating pain it causes. I just hope that maybe someone will read this before having the abortion, and realize that it is so wrong. To understand just a little of the pain they will have to live with everyday, for the rest of their lives. Thank you for letting me share my story, as I have never told anyone about it. It was and still is a very closed subject in our family. After it happened, it was very clear that I was to never speak of it again, with anyone. It is a dirty little secret that was supposedly swept under the rug. They don't realize what kind of pain I am in, and I have noone to discuss it with.
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  • I hadn't had my menstrual cycle since June 99 when I first went to the doctor on September 24, 1999 for stomach cramps. My doctor examined me and said she thought I had an ovarian cyst. She sent me to have a transvaginal ultrasound. They diagnosed me with a cyst. I was given Provera for ten days to make me start my menstrual cycle. It failed. I called the doctor's office and they didn't return my call for two days. I switched doctors. My new doctor went by the previous diagnosis and took it from there. She gave me and pap smear which returned with mildly abnormal cells. I was given medicines to treat it. She also took blood and tested my hormone levels. They came back low. At this time, she thought their was something wrong with my thyroid gland. She put me on birth control for two months to help me start. It failed. I went back to the doctor on December 18, 1999 for my follow-up pap and it was too painful and I asked her to stop. She felt my stomach and said I was pregnant. I was shocked. Everytime I visited the doctor they asked me if there was a chance I could be pregnant and I said yes. I tested negative every time. I thought they had already ruled out pregnancy. I wonder if I hadn't of been in so much pain and asked her to stop if I would have walked out of the office again not knowing I was pregnant. I never thought I could be so pregnant and not even look it. I am a petite girl, 5"3 and 120 pds. I never had morning sickness. I am 23 and I also live the dancing and drinking lifestyle on the weekends. I would have never drank if I had known. I went for my ultrasound and it all became a reality. The measurements between the head and body were off. I was also diagnosed with placenta previa. I made my decision that day to have the ab. The doctor wanted to send me to have testing done, but I wouldn't have had time. I made the decision not knowing if the health was o.k. I feel in my heart that I was so malnourished that there wasn't anyway my child could have been healthy, also all the medications and my lifestyle. The procedure itself was an awful experience. I had to have an induction ab, because I was so far along. So, I had to actually push and delivery. I was so scared. I couldn't tell the difference between cramps and contractions. I just wanted it to be over. I went in on Wed. Dec, 22 and I delivered Thursday morning at 6:00 a.m. It was so terrible just sitting there waiting to dilate. The waiting room for me was the same as the recovery room, so all the other girls who were having the other type would come in there. That was hard. I tried to stay strong, but I was so scared. I didn't know exactly what to expect. After I delivered the placenta would not come out. I had to have an emergency d&c. The nurse gave me too much anesthesia and busted a blood vessel in my eye when she was slapping me so hard trying to wake me up. I have no closure with everything that has happened to me. I am confused and can't sleep at night. I am mad b/c if I had known and made the same decision earlier in my pregnancy I wouldn't have had to have an induction procedure. It was so horrible. I don't eat healthy still. I tried to find a support group in my area, but cannot. I would love to talk to someone who has had an induction ab and/or a medical miss like me. I am trying to decide if I should bring a lawsuit against the doctor, but I don't know if I should just try to move on or if that would give me closure. Thank you for listening to my story. Hugs, Georgia
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  • I'm 36, at 18 I had an abortion. I just realized(while PMS'N), that my baby would have been 18 this year. I've never really tried to keep up with that before. I'm 36, at 18 I had an abortion. I just realized(while PMS'N), that my baby would have been 18 this year. I've never really tried to keep up with that before. I had gone out with the guy for about 3mos. when I found out I was pregnant. We had already decided that we wanted to get married and were going to wait about a 1yr for that. He signed up for the army, and His Mother worked in a OBGYN Office. She wanted me on the pill and took care of all of that. When I got the pills I was suppose to start taking them after my period...it never came. She gave me the pregnancy test, she told me I was pregnant. When I found out that I was pregnant, I was scared, but in some ways kinda happy. I remember laying in on his bed, while they were in the other room holding my stomach and telling my baby that I would take care of it and Love it for ever. Then him and his mother decided I wasn't going to have the baby. Yes there is alot of anger!!! She sat me down at the table. She told me that if I was to have this baby, that my parents would be very mad-because they did not really want me with her son anyway, not to mention that it would be a huge disappointment for them. She told me that I would be lucky if they didn't kick me out. She said that she would make the arrangements to have the abortion and since at that time I was a minor, I could use her last name and she would say she was my mother, and she would pay for it. I was told that if I didn't get the abortion, she would not help me out in any way, and that I would be alone trying to take care of a baby and working at Burger King. I remember going into the office the first time. She was going to write a check, but they would only take cash. We had to reschedule. That put me after my 18th birthday. I don't really remember much of going in the second time except for when the nurse wanted to talk to me and make sure that I was doing what I wanted. My boyfriend went with me this time, and he went in there too. I was not thrilled, cause it felt like I was being watched so I would make the right decision. After that I kept thinking there has got to be a back door to this place. I could just leave and tell him "So Long!" The only problem was I just kept going forward with it. After it was over, they told me to lay there til I felt like I could get up. I got right up and wanted out of there. The nurse came in and tried to tell me stuff that I was suppose to do, but I was out of it. I just remember telling here to go tell my bald boyfriend out in the waiting room.(he shaved his head before going to bootcamp) The whole rest of the day was horrible. I felt like crawling in a hole to die. He wanted to go out with all our friends. What Fun--- I just lost the one person in the world that would ever care about me-really care- and he wants to go out. Sorry this is so long-you just keep going huh? Then the last 2wks, I have cried at everything. I want a baby so bad I can hardly stand it. This only brings back what his mother told me. "When you have a baby, That one will be your first baby, and you'll be so happy with that baby, you won't even think about this." I am married now to a wonderful man, he knows about the abortion, but is one of very few. This last 2wks have been very hard. I want a baby, I started my period and every stinking commercial on TV is about a baby, or being pregnant or those darned old EPT Tests. HELP!!!!!!!
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  • Four days ago I went and did it. I got an abortion. I thought that being 40 and already a mother of two that this procedure would be a breeze to go through. Four days ago I went and did it. I got an abortion. I thought that being 40 and already a mother of two that this procedure would be a breeze to go through. Boy was I wrong, The last four days have been a living hell for me. Not only physically but mostly mentally. I just sit and cry. My boyfriend isn't understanding. I feel like I have no one I can talk to. I certainly cant tell my family about this. Because 21 years ago when I was 19 I had an abortion and I was totally crucified by my family for it. My emotions are like a roller coaster up and down constantly. I try to act as if I'm happy but on the inside I'm crying. I feel in my heart what I did was right. Just because I'm a single mother now and struggling just to get by. I know my boyfriend wouldn't be there for me. Yesterday he went off on me because I was crying and feeling low. He told me that he cant take my moods(after the abortion), So he decided to let me go and handle my emotions alone.. I only pray that I can make it through this tough time. I have to go on regardless. I still have my two children who need me. I have to be here for them. And as far as my ex-boyfriend goes. Well we were together for two and a half years, and if he can be so cold and unfeeling well he can go to hell. I dont need him. I know that one day I'll see my babies in heaven. I just have to be patient and just keep going on.
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  • On the outside, I'm sure we looked like the perfect family. In some ways I think we were. On the outside, I'm sure we looked like the perfect family. In some ways I think we were. Happy marriage, 3 healthy children, nice home, successful job, no financial worries. Then, I got pregnant. I was 41 years old. I had just started re-discovering "me" a little bit. My children were now 4,7, and 13. No more strollers, no more diapers, no more bottles. I was a good Mom. My children meant everything to me. In fact, I was so excited that now we could do more things, travel "spur of the moment"-- all the things you can do with older children. I was completely shocked and overwhelmed by my pregnancy. 41 years old and pregnant? How did this happen? I felt stupid. My husband was shocked, but acted very "neutral". I think he tried to read my face, to know what I really was thinking. I remember thinking: I am so tired. I have (and do) love my children with all my heart. Do I take time away from them again by having another baby? Do I once again go through a pregnancy at 41 years of age?" I don't think I've ever been more confused. I was also frightened. I knew that my age put me in a higher risk category. Was I really willing to have a child that could possibly not be healthy? Did I want to care for a child that would affect my children's lives? Not a pretty or flattering picture is it? But it is the truth. That's been the hardest part of my abortion...having to realize that when I look in a mirror I'm ashamed of what I see. My first weeks of pregnancy were a nightmare. I was so sick. I vomited day and night. I tried to convince myself that this was a sign that the baby wasn't healthy.My husband and I would have endless discussions about what to do. I will never forget him saying, " If we go through with the abortion, we can never, ever look back..." God, if only I had known that after my abortion all I could do was look back. Again and again and again. It is inconceivable to me now that I was capable of it. I can't believe that I was married, knew what it was like to hold and love a precious baby. I knew what joy their first words brought, the thrill of seeing their very distinct and wonderful personalities emerge. I knew all that, and yet I did it anyway. Why? I will probably never know that.I do know that I am forever changed. I will never be quite the same person that I was. I will carry this secret to my grave because I could not bear for my children to know what I did. I also know that because of what happened I am more loving, more forgiving, more understanding of others and the pain they bear. I live every moment with my children because I fully understand now what precious gifts they are. I am teaching them to be strong, (I was not), to follow their hearts (I did not), and to listen to others with a loving heart. I pray that my greatest mistake can also become my children's greatest gift from me. When God judges me, I pray he will know my life has been spent trying to learn my hardest lesson. I pray my baby will someday know me and forgive me. Thank you for letting me tell my story. Once again, the tears have fallen and my heart is breaking, but finally, I have told the story.
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  • I am so glad to have found this board. I am 30 years old and the mother of a beautiful 3 year old girl and 4 year old boy. I am so glad to have found this board. I am 30 years old and the mother of a beautiful 3 year old girl and 4 year old boy. A year and a half ago, I found I was pregnant and expecting our third child. I felt it was a miracle as my husband had had a vasectomy 10 weeks prior and I had really regretted the decision. My husband decided he did not want to stay married and did not want a third child and left us. I struggled for nearly a week trying to find a way in which I could continue this pregnancy and still care for our two small children alone. We had only recently moved to the state and had not developed any friendships that I could look to for support. I had no family in the state for support. I was told by my lawyer that it was very difficult, if not impossible, for me to leave the state with my children to be closer to my family for support. I felt as if every door was being slammed in my face. I felt no other option but to terminate the pregnancy. I was raised Catholic and have very strong feelings against abortion, yet here I was. Since the abortion, my husband has asked to return to our home (a week later) and try to work on our marriage for the sake of our children. I feel he orchestrated all of these events to push me into having an abortion when he knew that I would otherwise have never made that decision. The past year has been up and down. Mainly down. Six weeks ago I filed for divorce because I just cannot seem to find it in me to forgive this man. He seems so unaffected and without a shred of remorse. He still contends that he is not responsible at all for my decision. I am so ambivalent. I feel I am caught in a very destructive cycle. I chose to have an abortion because I wanted to protect my children. I could not tell them that their father left us and now I don't have the time or energy to give you what you need because of this new baby. The pregnancy left me very sick and exhausted. Yet, I feel I am hurting my children now by not trying to work things out with their father, whom they adore. I anguish every day for my loss of the child I very much wanted. The pain is unbearable at times. This will always be the biggest regret of my life.
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  • I was sixteen when I became pregnant. It was clear for me to abort my child. I really cannot understand why i did that, because since then my life became terrible. I was sixteen when I became pregnant. It was clear for me to abort my child. I really cannot understand why i did that, because since then my life became terrible. I have known my boyfriend for three months when i noticed that I was pregnant. I told him and he just said i should do what was right for me. My boyfriend and me are still together (I'm 18 now)but in a way I hate him for not telling me we could make it with a child. But I do NOT think it was his fault that I had an abortion, because I wanted it! Thats one of the things that makes it so difficult for me, because i cannot say my family wanted it or my boyfriend or anyone else. No I wanted it and I'm still hating me for that. I cannot look at pregnant women or at children and every topic that is about children makes me think of my own. When I went to the doctor to give me information about abortion I didn't look at my child which I could have seen on the monitor. I hate me for that. Perhaps it would have happened different if I had seen my own baby. However now it is to late and I hope that I can see my baby soon and tell him or her that I'm very sorry about what I have done.I'M wondering if i can ever live a normal life without all these nightmares and thoughts about how my baby had felt in the moment it happened. I can remember when I woke up after the abortion I cried and I looked around to perhaps see my baby or its blood or just anything thats from my baby. From that point on my life became different and it is still that way.
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  • I was 16 and I fell very much in love with my best friends brother. That was a mistake in itself at the time. I was 16 and I fell very much in love with my best friends brother. That was a mistake in itself at the time. He was 20 at the time and had just come home from the Philippines, were I heard about him having a bad experience with a woman over there. Well naturally he was into partying, alcohol, weed, acid, you name it. Well one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together whenever I stayed the night with her. Once in a while he would take me home from their house, but his excuse was that my dad would not like it, which he was right. He did take me to my Prom, he take me to my graduation, but while all this was happening my Mother and Father were having problems. Well an old friend of his showed up in town and was talking about just visiting and he was going back out of state. Well my boyfriend went with him. I was concerned because for a little while I had already been worried about being pregnant, but I didn't say anything to him. About a month after he had been out of state I decided to find out. I had been talking to my cousin, she is the one that talked me into getting a pregnancy test. When I got in touch with him and told him, he acted like everything was going to be ok. He came back home, was told that he had a job waiting for him, but of course he didn't. I feel his mother was in on his final decision. About a month later he wants me to get an abortion. He started being really mean to me and I felt that if I didn't have the abortion that he would leave me. Well eventually just that happened and about six months later he marries a woman with two small kids and from there they had a son. By this time I was in a relationship and had told him about what had happened and that if I got pregnant I would not do that again. I was also into drugs and alcohol very heavily at the time. We had a child and for three years I did not want another one. Eventually we did have another one, but in between I had two more abortions. We did not make it because he didn't want the same things out of life. He is an alcoholic. I eventually went my own way and ended up with the 1st guy that I had an abortion with. Eight years later we are still together, unmarried, but engaged and living together with my two children and his one child who should have been mine because it was maybe a year later that his child was born from the woman he married. To this day he does not like to discuss marriage unless he brings it up, which he never does. I am very angry at him and the child. I shouldn't be angry at the child, but it is very hard because that child represents everything that I gave up. Whether the father and I would have stayed together or not I would have had his child.
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  • I was travelling when I found out I was pregnant. It was September 1997 and my boyfriend and I were visiting his home in Italy on our way back from Israel. I was travelling when I found out I was pregnant. It was September 1997 and my boyfriend and I were visiting his home in Italy on our way back from Israel. We met on a kibbutz in Israel, and worked together in the south of Israel (me for 3 months, he for 5). It was here where I got pregnant. We were using withdrawal , so I guess it was inevitable. I had been feeling 'odd' for about a month but didn't think it was pregnancy for some reason. I took a test in Italy and when I told him he expressed how sorry he was over and over. My first feeling when I saw the positive test was a brief feeling of delight - 'wow, i have this being growing inside of me- cool!' But then reality hit and I knew that I neither had the financial nor emotional resources to have a child. I loved the father, but wasn't sure I wanted to raise a child with him. He was supportive of my decision. One of the very painful truths of that time was that he wanted me to socialize with his family and friends even though i didn't feel like leaving his apartment. He had self-esteem issues, and didn't want to tell his parents, i think mainly because he felt it was yet another time when he had 'screwed up' ( i don't know this for fact, and he probably would have denied it if I had asked him, but I got to know his family well and their dynamic). I was also meeting them for the first time and didn't want to spoil their first impression of me. I didn't tell my parents because i was scared of what they would think, and because they were across the world and could only worry as opposed to helping me (I live in Canada). The only one I told at the time was another Canadian I had met on the kibbutz - one of my best friends - who was working in London England and who I would be visiting in the following weeks. I felt very alone. I didn't realized at the time how much I resented my boyfriend's insistence that I 'put on a happy face'. I was miserable, not only was i not in the mood to travel Italy, but I was nauseous every day and couldn't eat much. His mother was a fabulous cook and I couldn't eat any of her wonderful Italian cuisine - I had to say it was the flu. Among the most painful moments of that time was when we were visiting with his brother and wife, who at the time was 8 months pregnant. I was so sad and angry, because she could talk about her pregnancy and I couldn't. My boyfriend knew a friend who had had an abortion before and she told him which hospital I could have it done in. What makes me sad today (one of the many things) is that his parents, who were wealthy, could have afforded the best in private clinics for me. Our pride and shame got the better of us. We made arrangements to have the abortion on Oct. 3, 1997, at 10:00am. I had about a 2 week wait. I didn't know and at the time didn't want to know how far along i was. I succeeded in remaining distant from the being developing inside of me. The wait was forever. I had to be at the hospital for 7 am that morning. Right before we left, I went out on his balcony and saw the most beautiful, vivid, and bright sunrise I have ever seen , even to this day 2 1/2 years later. I took a picture of that sunrise. We got to the hospital, and had to go to the maternity ward where all the newborn babies were. I had to walk past those babies on the way to ridding my body of mine. This was the most insensitive oversight of hospital administration i had EVER experienced. I cried on and off for the 2 hours before the abortion. No one was speaking English . I felt disoriented and frightened. I remember I was the third of 4 women to go in that day. Periodically, I would hear the babies down the hall crying. Finally I was wheeled in. I was waiting for the woman before me to be done, and i hear cries and yells from her while i was waiting. Italian being spoken all around me. The phone ringing a few feet away. Me feeling drugged but not drugged enough. Medical staff passing through and looking at me without acknowledging me. My boyfriend had to wait in the recovery room and couldn't be in the operating room to hold my hand. In fact, nobody held my hand. Finally they wheeled the woman out of the operating room, and wheeled me in. When I recall it today, I remember huge lights shaped like shallow bowls, and strange looking machines i had never seen before. the doctor came in and i soon realized he didn't speak much English at all. He took down my name, age, date of last period, date of first period, etc. He then went to the foot of the table. I put my feet in the stirrups. He injected me with a local anaesthetic, and they started. I have memories in chunks it seems. The searing pain that I learned to anticipate, every time I heard the doctor say a certain word in Italian (possibly aspiration), and after I heard a sort of click noise. The pain felt like something was twisting and pulling inside of me. I normally have a very high pain threshold, but this was by far the most painful experience i have ever had in my life. I remember the doctor saying to me "it can't hurt that much, can it?' and me wanting to strangle him, however he was operating on me and i wanted him to do it properly. I remember the nurse to my right holding a jar up in the air to the light, examining a messy liquid filled with blood and a clear liquid. More than anything i wanted to ask them to make sure they removed all of it because i would die if i had to go through this again. I was sobbing uncontrollably when he finished, and my right leg felt extremely painfully sore, as if i had just run 20 km without stopping. I think it was because i was so tense that i was pushing against the stirrup extremely hard during the procedure. I continued sobbing, and nobody on the staff held my hand or offered words of sensitivity, or even looked at me as if they sympathized with my pain. I was crying hard as they rolled me back into the recovery room. My boyfriend saw me being rolled back into the room and rushed down the hall to join me. He held my hand while I bawled loudly and kept saying over and over , "mi dispiace" , which means "i'm sorry". they transferred me back onto the bed I was on when i was waiting to go in. I was in so much pain that I couldn't find a comfortable position to lie in. Never before this had I missed my mom, dad, brother, or any other comforting relative more than I did at that moment. The woman next to me asked my boyfriend if I was going to be okay. She asked him to ask me what i was feeling physically and we compared physical feelings via my boyfriend translating. The nurse came in with meals for us soon after and I discovered that i was finally able to eat something without feeling nauseous. I was ready to leave at about 1 pm. I put my clothes back on , and my boyfriend left his book on the table in the room because he was finished it and didn't want it anymore. When we got to the parking lot, a man selling cassette tapes and multicolored bracelets made of thread approached us. My boyfriend bought a bracelet for me and one for him and we tied them on each others wrists. I still have that bracelet and think of that day every time I see it. The feeling i was most aware of at the time was relief : that i didn't have to feel sick to my stomach anymore and that it was finally over. Then we did something I wish we hadn't: we destroyed my records, including the ultrasound. I left Italy 8 days later to visit cousins in the UK. I was depressed the whole time. And when I saw my friend who had been working in London, we didn't talk about it much. I still wasn't aware of the range of feelings I had at the time. Besides, who wanted to hear the gory details? That was so hard, the feeling that no one seemed to care very much. I found out just this past spring (1999) that the cousin I had stayed with in the UK was actually an obstetric nurse, and could have gotten me into the best clinic in the area, with the best medical care, had i only told her what was going on. I had known she was a nurse, but i didn't know how she felt about abortion and couldn't at the time risk any kind of disapproval from anyone. She told me last spring that she wished I had told her what had happened at the time so she could have been there for me fully. This information my cousin told me made me very sad, because i could've saved myself a lot of trauma. I'm still sad when I think about it. My boyfriend ended up moving to Canada and we moved in together. He wasn't comfortable talking about it after, and did not allow me the comfort of expressing any kind of grief without saying to me "why are you thinking about it? it only makes you upset and depressed!" Oh my God. We broke up in June 1999.
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  • I am 19 years old and I just had an abortion 1 week ago. I am 19 years old and I just had an abortion 1 week ago. I really didn't know what to do because I love my boyfriend very much and keeping the baby would have made me so happy but under circumstances made it impossible. You see I just lost my virginity and got pregnant after having sex the first time. Now I went to my doctor and had to get a pap smear and she did some cultures for STDs because I hadn't used protection. I got chlamydia. After taking the medicine to cure the disease I realized I was late for my period. My first panic i ran to the drug store and bought a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was very scared. I called the doctor and went in. After examining me letting me see the ultrasound. She told me that my baby will have a 98% chance of being born with mental retardation and other very serious birth defects. Well I cried for a week after this until my day at the clinic. My boyfriend was very supportive with my decision. I remember going the and getting an iv. then I was in the resting room. that is it. No blood until four days later and cramps too.
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  • I have known my boyfriend for about 6 years. We went out when I was 14 and he was 16. My first true love (how sweet). I have known my boyfriend for about 6 years. We went out when I was 14 and he was 16. My first true love (how sweet). We were together for about a year then and then broke up. My parents didn't like him, he was a control freak. I was still underage so they made us break up. Then this past summer we started to talk again, it turns out he had gotten a girl pregnant. I felt this incredible loss, like I just lost my chance with him forever, but that didn't happen. We started dating again and now have been together for about 8 months. Well I began to resent this girl for carrying my boyfriends first child, because I know I can never do that. I became pregnant in December and didn't realize it until January. I was actually in denial, I realize that know. I didn't know how to tell him, I was unexpectedly very happy about this pregnancy, and had no idea how he would react. Well I said we have to talk and then threw all 3, yes three tests at him nd left the room. I could only hear him say "Oh My God" for about 10 minutes. Then he called me in the room and I just started crying. I knew what he was going to say to me, and he said exactly that. "I can't have another baby, I'm twenty years old, I need you to be there fully when this baby comes, you can't be pregnant" I said so you want me to give MY baby up so I can help you with HERS? He said that wasn't what he meant, but in all actuality that is what he said to me. He just made it sound nicer. Well the time came and he decided I should have an abortion after all I was only 18 and had been doing a lot of partying lately with the holidays and all, and I actually agreed, thinking logically about the whole situation. So I made the appt. and went for counseling, which was actually just someone going over the procedure with me, I didn't get a chance to talk about my feelings or anything. I know my decision was 'helped' along, but it was the right decision. I went in to have my 'procedure' done on the 7th of Feb. It was a Monday at 12:30. I had it done and in the recovery room just sat there and cried for about 20 min. Then went home and acted as if nothing had happened at all. All everyone kept saying to me was 'Well you'll be back to normal in no time at all now!'. I was like you have no idea, I don't think I'll ever be normal again as a matter af a fact. I now have a reoccurring nightmare that happens every couple of days. I am in the hospital on August 22 2000, I gave birth to a baby boy, 4 lbs. 7 oz., 17 and a 1/4 inches long. But here is the nightmarish part, he was born without arms, just hands hanging form his shoulder, he had no eye sockets, and was a stillborn. I don't know how to cope with my feelings of guilt I feel like I could have kept my baby and raised it right. With or without my boyfriend. But I wasn't strong enough to do that, I let people push things into my mind, and let them make my decisions for me and now I have no idea how to help myself got through/over this.
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  • I'm 18 years old and just had an abortion at 4 months pregnant. Everything has gone okay so far. I'm 18 years old and just had an abortion at 4 months pregnant. Everything has gone okay so far. Except for the simple fact that now I am completely overwhelmed. My job is going into tremendous stress. I was just informed that my contract for this company is to be terminated March 31st.(instead of going full time as planned) This is the best job I've ever had and can't believe that all my dreams are being destroyed The money was going to enable me to get my own apartment with my boyfriend who has stood by my side with such amazing strength. The stress from the abortion which I can't stop replaying in my mind, to the stress with my job and losing it and the fact that now I won't be able to afford a place and to the stress that my boyfriend whom I love with all my heart and can only see on the weekends is getting to be just way to much! If somebody has some practical advice for me about abortions, my job (including finding a new one that will also pay over ten dollars an hour) and basically how to handle all this new found stress which is going to lead to a break down soon thank you so very much
    lisa

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