Stories from Women who've had abortions

Please remember as stated on the first page that these are the stories of many individual women, and are their personal views and feelings. Some have many different views, and different ideas about their experience. You may not agree with what they are feeling, or what they say. That's okay! The idea here is just to give women a chance to be heard about how they feel. If you've had an abortion, and need to talk about it right away, you can check out the I need to talk now! section
If you are interested in submitting your story, here's the link to Tell Your Story

• My boyfriend and i had been going out for 8 Months and we always talked about what WE would do if i ever became pregnant,

• I am a MorMon and I have strong feelings about abortion.

• Accident - had been using withdrawal method of birth control, and in the heat of the moment I told him not to, and he didn't.

• I am 29 years old and married with no children yet. I had an abortion when I was 18 years old.

• First I want to say I read this board a few days before my own abortion.

• I've been married for 11 years and have a 2 1/2 year old and a 7 year old.

• My circumstances are a bit different from most. I am 29, have been married for almost 4 years to a wonderful man I've known for 10 years

• I had my abortion 4 Months ago- August 18, 1999. I was 19 years old

• I was 21 and my boyfriend was 19. We were together for about one year.

• I was 15 and he was 16 when we met. It didn't take long for us to fall in love...

• I have been looking for a place like this. I am still in a loose relationship with the guy who I got pregnant by.

• i was 18 and alone i wanted to be in a relationship everyone else was i was tired of endless one night stands(with the same man)

• I was 19 years old and a sophomore in college when I became pregnant and chose to have an abortion.

• I was 20 years old and had a decent relationship with my boyfriend of six Months. We broke up the end of April.

• I read through all these stories in amazement. I met my EX-boyfriend in May of 1997.

• My boyfriend and I were in a good place: we were just about to move in together, we really loved each other

• I was a junior in college. I was in the midst of my first sexual relationship, I was 19 years old.

• I love children. As a little girl I would sometimes pretend as if I were an expectant mom

• I got pregnant December 31, 1998. What a way to bring in the New Year. I was in an unhappy marriage.

• I am a 27 year old mother of one son, age 7. Just yesterday, I had my first abortion.

• I had the abortion on January 15,1999. I was 22.

• More Stories

• My boyfriend and i had been going out for 8 Months and we always talked about what WE would do if i ever became pregnant, and there was no doubt that we both felt that it was a good idea to have and abortion. I am 19 and he is 23 and we were both working on our degrees with him about to graduate and me about to finish my second year. Throughout highschool and even college i was always sure that i was being safe sexually and that it wasn't possible to ever get pregnant, at least until i was married and financially stable. Then there was this night that i can remember so clearly as the night. He said oh no and i knew what had happened. He assured me that he was sure that nothing was wrong and that we would be ok. So i assumed that all was good. I wasn't feeling "pregnant" like people said you would so i assumed i wasn't. Soon after i went home for a vacation and had to go to the emergency room for abdominal pains. I thought it was just another urinary tract infection until the dOctor came in with this look on his face and told me that i was pregnant. I couldn't believe it and i was so scared. My mom was waiting for me and because she would kill me i couldn't tell her or anyone else. Not even my boyfriend because he was not at home. I did and didn't know what to do. I knew that i couldn't support a child and the if i did have it i couldn't give it away. I felt so selfish to think about me and not my baby but i know that having it would give that baby a really crappy life and i couldn't do that to my child. I finally went back to school and told some of my friends and my boyfriend. They all tried to support me but they didn't know what i was going through so it didn't help. I didn't know what to feel. i was so alone and scared. My boyfriend was no help. All i wanted from him was to understand what i was going through and help me to feel better about my decision and myself, but he just said do what you have to do. i couldn't believe that he was saying this to me while i was carrying OUR child. I told my best friend and she was the only person to support me. I made the appointment for the abortion and she took the day off of work to take me. I was still not exactly sure as to what i would do, and when i got there protesters were all around the outside of the building and i had to walk through them, knowing that they were fully against what i was about to do. I almost didn't go through with the whole thing but then realized that even though it wasn't the best decision it was the right one so i went in for the abortion. I would love to say that it was fun but it wasn't. I threw up all throughout the procedure and was sick the whole rest of the day. i had the worst pain i had ever felt for a week after, so bad that i couldn't even walk. But now that i look back and even though it hurts and will always hurt, i feel that this was the best decision and that if i had to go back and do it again i would. my boyfriend still wont talk about it and i think thats what hurts the most, that the one person that had a part in this didn't care.all i wanted in life was to have my first child with my one and only husband, but i guess that is not possible now, and for that i hate myself. nothing could change that.
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• I am a MorMon and I have strong feelings about abortion. I was 18 when I went to work in Rhode Island for the summer. Being only 18 and living in Utah, going across the United States was an exciting step. I met Jake in Rhode Island. WE worked at the same resort. I was a virgin then and I had never smoked or even had a drink of alcohol. I guess I was looking at this as a way to get out and to learn about life. Jake and I had protected sex all summer, until it was time for me to go home. I didn't even know it I would ever see him again. I didn't even know if I wanted to. I loved him but I knew I wasn't going to marry him. WE said goodbye and I left. We kept in touch through the next couple of Months then I broke up with him. I told him that he was a bad influence on me and that I had to stop drinking and smoking. That was that...I never talked to him again. Until the next summer when I returned to work in Rhode Island. He wasn't working there but he would just show up to see me some random nights. WE never did anything. We just talked and hung out with our friends. He only came to see me three times. The third time he came I was drunk. I pulled me outside and started yelling at me. He said that I wasn't trying to be good like I had told him I was. He was upset that I wasn't setting a good example. He said that he was looking at my standards and way of life as an example for his messed up life. He looked up to me and my religious strength. Then he ran away crying. An hour later he came back to talk and say he was sorry for acting the way he did. Everyone had gone to bed. We were just sitting there talking as friends about nothing really then he started kissing me. I pushed him away because I had a boyfriend in Utah. Besides I didn't want anything like that from him. He was high, on acid, and very drunk. He kissed me again and pushed me on the couch. He would not get off me. I tried to push him off and when I finally did he just got stronger and made me feel guilty and got right back on. I just want to fuck you he said, over and over until he came. It was right after my period so I wasn't even thinking to do anything. I felt dirty, guilty, like it was my fault for setting a bad example. I know it wasn't, and I know he was in the wrong for raping me. I still didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. The next week came fast and then suddenly everything made me sick. The smell of the ocean, the smell of food, the smell of my room, the smell of air even made me vomit. I knew I was pregnant. Just like everyone else has said. It is like this surety that just comes to you. I could feel it. I knew deep down inside and I knew I was afraid. I didn't have anyone I could talk to, my mom would kill me. All my friends are judgmental. I can't go home pregnant. I can't have this baby I kept thinking. When I conceived he was drunk, high, and on acid. What kind of a life would this baby have. How could i let it come into this world not knowing who it's mother was and why it was so messed up mentally and probably physically. I ended up going home 7 weeks pregnant and I tried to hide my sickness from my mom but when she started asking if I was alright I knew for the baby's sake I had to have an abortion. I contemplated the decision for weeks. I couldn't justify it. Even when I was parked outside of the women's clinic I cried for 20 min before I went in. I cried the whole time. As I looked around at all the young girls with their parents and the girls who were there alone and the girls who were there with their boyfriends it made me so sad. My baby, I named her Catherine. I saw her heart in the ultra sound. Just 5 minutes before I killed her. October 7th at 4:05 pm. I remember laying down holding someone's hand who I didn't know and who was telling me I was a wonderful woman. I told her I was raped and she looked at me deeply. I remember looking at the ceiling, the clock, the ceiling, the clock, the ceiling, the clock just waiting for it to be over. I have never felt so deep down sick and cold inside as I did for those five minutes. I could hear pieces of my baby being sucked out of me. As soon as it was over I started crying quietly. The surgeon asked if something was wrong. I just looked at her like she was crazy. She probably deals with people who feel good about their decision. I did not feel good about my decision. I know I will have to face the consequences. I know Catherine is with God, and that I will never see her. I hope that she understands why I did this. I hope she knows that I did it for her and that I love her. I will never forget her beating heart.
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• How did you come to be pregnant? Accident - had been using withdrawal method of birth control, and in the heat of the moment I told him not to, and he didn't. Who was the father? My boyfriend at the time, now my husband of 2.5 years. Did you consult him about the pregnancy? Yes! What was his reaction? Scared, upset, worried Had you previously discussed the possibility of pregnancy and the outcome? No How did you come to your decision? Pressure, fear of disappointing everyone (parents, friends, etc), the fact that there was a non-surgical procedure available was the clincher - if there hadn't been, I doubt I'd have done it...maybe. Did anyone influence you? Yes, he did. What were your feelings throughout the decision-making process? I was terrified, positively terrified, afraid, ashamed, disappointed, even suicidal. Did you ever want to keep your baby? YES, very much so. Did it go against your moral/religious beliefs? YES. How did you get to the clinic? Did someone take you? Did you go alone? He drove me, and went with me, and we begged for him to be in the room, they allowed it. What were you feeling on the way to the clinic? I don't remember - nauseated, probably, and terrified and sad and angry. What was the clinic like? Like any dOctor's office What sights, sounds, smells do you recall? Magazines, lots of teenagers, no sounds or smells. What was the attitude of the counselor? the nurse? the dOctor? Nice, I guess, I don't really remember. What was your emotional response to each of these? Stoic. Did you feel you were properly informed? Yes Did you feel rushed? Manipulated? Angry? Scared? Panicky? All of the above. At any time (in the clinic) did you feel like leaving without having the abortion? YES During the preparation and actual abortion procedure, how did you feel? Sick, disgusted with myself What sights, sounds, smells do you recall? None What did you feel physically? Emotionally? during the procedure? Physically, just the shot. Emotionally, I was a wreck. A week later, after inserting the pills, I had horrible cramps for 2 weeks and threw up most of the first day from the pain (heating pad and advil did not work like they do with regular menstrual cramps) What did you feel afterwards? Relief? Regret? Physical pain? Panic? Remorse? Relief, regret, no physical pain after I stopped bleeding (2 weeks later). Was there someone to take you home? Yes What was their attitude afterwards? Relief, fear, regret... What was your response to their attitude? The same Describe the following 24 hours. I don't remember, I think I slept a lot trying to escape from the reality of it all and the physical pain (bad uterine cramps - normal for this non-surgical procedure) I was in. Do you feel like people let you down? List who, and why. Just myself, for making the wrong decision. Talk about the things that brought you to realize you were suffering from the results of your abortion. I am constantly worried that when we decide it's "time" to have children, that we won't be able to conceive. I'm always wondering if it was a boy or a girl, and what s/he would have looked like.
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• I am 29 years old and married with no children yet. I had an abortion when I was 18 years old. My story is much the same as some others I've read. I had been with my boyfriend for approximately two years and I had just graduated high school. My boyfriend and I spent a couple of weeks in Oregon and then Hawaii. Somewhere along the line I got pregnant. My reaction was like many of yours. I was scared initially but then completely excited. I told my boyfriend of course and he at first said that he would support me. As usual he later changed his mind and said that he wasn't ready to be a father. I told him that I didn't care and I truly did not care. I was willing to raise this baby on my own. My Mom ended up guessing that I was pregnant because I was sleeping all the time and when I admitted it she got very angry with me. I never really understood why because she was only 18 when she got pregnant with me. I think that she just wanted more for me. Her and my Father had given us a comfortable life and she wanted me to go to college. When my Dad found out he was very calm. He didn't really get angry or upset. He is old fashioned though and so he suggested two options. Either I have an abortion or Dan (my boyfriend) and I get married and raise this child together. He always felt that a child deserved to be raised by two parents. I didn't really agree because I already loved my baby so much but I did understand his reasoning. At this point I was still determined to have the baby with Dan or alone. Instead my parents gave me a dose of reality. They asked me how was I going to pay for a baby starting with the hospital bills and check-ups. Then they asked me how I would support it afterwards with food, clothing etc. I was only 18 and I worked at a restaurant part-time so this started to scare me. I didn't feel like I could support my child. So I decided to have an abortion. I made my appointment and I asked my boyfriend to stay with me the night before and to go to the clinic with me but he decided to go out drinking with friends instead. He called me the day I was to go to the clinic and asked if he could take me and I said no. I asked my Grandma to take me. She had been quietly supportive throughout this whole ordeal. She never gave me too much advice either way except to tell me that she loved me and would support whatever decision I made. My Mom was still not speaking to me so I did not ask her to go. When we got to the clinic my Dad did something for me that I will never forget. He was there waiting for me in his car. He said he didn't know if I wanted him there or not but that he wanted to be there in case I did. I started crying so hard because I was so scared and I was so glad that he was there. My boyfriend was also there waiting for me but I really didn't want anything to do with him. We went into the clinic and they had me talk to the counselor first. Then the time came to go to the ROOM. They made me lay on the table and I just started crying. The dOctor told the nurse to let me get down and that he would not perform the procedure because he was not sure that I really wanted to do this. They sent me to talk to the counselor again and I told her I was having a hard time because I really wanted my baby but I knew I could not take care of it. She told me to go home and think about it some more. I came out and went straight to my Dad and my Grandma and I told them that I didn't do it. At this point my boyfriend started bawling. He said he didn't want to be a father yet. I felt so angry at him. I never had asked for him to stay with me and I never asked for his help and I was the one who had to go through this, it was my body. I really got angry with him and I resented him. We went home and I did give it some more thought but I knew I would not be able to support a child. So I made the second appointment. This time my Mom was going to go with me and my Grandma again. My Grandma told me she was going to take me away for a few days afterward. This time I walked in like a zombie. I don't remember much about the clinic. I just remember being on the table again and the nurse telling me that she was putting me to sleep and that when I woke up it would be all over. I did wake up later and it was OVER. I remember feeling a complete sense of loss and guilt. I have to say at this point for all of you that had to be awake during the procedure or felt things I am so sorry for you. I don't know how I would have made it through and I admire your courage and strength. However I am thankful I did not have to go through the same thing because I don't know what I would have done. You are amazing women for what you went through. Needless to say since the abortion I have had a very difficult time. I tried to get pregnant again and I lived with guilt and shame for years. I still do. Which is why I'm thankful that I found this web site. My husband and I are newly married and we both want a baby now and have been trying for about 8 Months. But I can't seem to forgive myself and I feel like that will stop me from getting pregnant. So I started trying to help myself. I found this site and I check it almost daily. I 've also stared reading some books on post abortion stress syndrome. I've also made an appointment with a counselor. You see the dOctors have told me that I'm fine. Physically I can get pregnant. But can I mentally? I found a book that I thought was extremely helpful and I wanted to share something with all the women who might read this. Let me first say that I am not strongly religious as far as going to church, etc. But I do have a very strong faith and love for God. For many years I wanted to REPLACE the baby I gave up by getting pregnant again. But when I read this book it taught me something different. If you have and faith or belief in God and Jesus then I think(hope) this might help. It said to close your eyes. Relax and take yourself back to the day you had the abortion. Feel everything, remember everything. Now imagine through the darkness Jesus walks in. He can be wearing or look like anything you want him to. He's looking at you and you can see all of the love that he feels for you. He FORGIVES you and LOVES you. Feel his love. Now look closer at him and see that he is holding a baby. It's your baby. Maybe some of you had names for your baby and you knew what sex it was. Go ahead and name your child. See Jesus holding him and your baby smiling. Let your baby go to Jesus. You can ask him to take care of him or whatever you feel in your heart. Put your trust and love in Jesus to know that he WILL take care of your baby and love him/her always. This may be emotional for some of you. It was for me but it did make me feel better knowing that Jesus is truly taking care of my baby and what better person to take care of him. I don't mean to sound preachy to some of you and I hope that I did not offend anyone. It's just that weve all felt pain over losing our babies and if I, if we all can help each other then we will all be better for it. Good luck to all of you and to me. I think my time is coming and I WILL be blessed with another baby. GOD bless all of you and thank you for listening.
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• First I want to say I read this board a few days before my own abortion. I am 29 and am a christian I accepted Christ at 21. I am well aware that abortion is wrong. I never knew how much until after. I have been seeing my on again off again ex for one year. This one night we had unprotected sex. I went to planned parenthood and took the morning after pill which made me sick for days. When I told my friend I was pregnant he was less than supportive. My surprise at planned parenthood is the misinformation that I was given. The nurse even asked did I want an extra box of the morning after pill since it was the holidays which was Thanksgiving at the time. A few days later I took a pregnancy test and it came up positive. I was in shock and at the same time wanting to keep my child. After speaking to my friend I decided to get an abortion and let's just say he didn't stop me and said IT WAS MY DECISION WHICH SAYS JUST GET RID OF IT!!! My insurance paid for it and he went with me. They strapped me down to the table and I woke up later. I was told that I would be awake but they found out that my insurance was good and they put me to sleep. WHAT A MARKET FOR MONEY!!! I was sore did not bleed much at all until the fourth day and I have not stopped bleeding. I have had to call my dOctor several times or shall I say her assistant because she is on vacation. I am on two medications. The bleeding was so bad I had to go to the emergency room. The day I had my abortion was on 12-20. I went to the er on 12-27 it's now 12-28. Every time I go to the bathroom it is a constant reminder of my baby. I have to get an ultrasound because they think that the abortion was not complete. By the way I am a twin and my friends mother is a twin. I have bleeding, am passing clots, and hear my child screaming in the middle of the night. I grieve for my baby each day and I was told that my child went to the pathology department. So now I have to imagine my child under a microscope, and part of my baby still in me. Through all this I can say that the Lord loves me. I didn't love my child enough to fight for him. I rally believe that the Lord lead me to this site a few days before and I cried reading the stories and yet I still disobeyed God for only selfish reasons. That how could I go to church and my job after ministering to people about my JESUS. So I write this with pain and tears with anger and heartbreak to my son JOSHUA. Only six weeks old I LOVE YOU JOSHUA!!!!!!!!!!
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• I've been married for 11 years and have a 2 1/2 year old and a 7 year old. I got pregnant last new year's eve. We were currently using condoms but didn't have any in the house. I told my husband it was the wrong time - but that didn't seem to matter. Well sure enough I was pregnant. I took the test when my period was 3 days late - I already new what the answer was. That morning I told my husband - and boy I wasn't ready for his reaction. He had the look of hature on his face. He said boy this is what I need now. We leave in a small place and are trying to buy a bigger house. The rest of the day was quiet - the next morning before he went to work he said we have to talk about this shit tonight. When I got home he said I'm happy with our two boys and don't need another one. We're almost out of the diaper stage why do you want to go through it again. He said isn't there a pill you can take to get rid of it. I was speechless - he ripped my heart out and I didn't know what to say. He said I don't want the baby. He said call the dOctor and find out what to do. I was like a robot my feelings didn't matter. I was numb all over. Do I force to keep the baby and put us in a financial mess. My husband was too worried about the Money. Well I called and was recommended by my dOctor to go see a dOctor who did it on the side. My husband came with me and I thought for sure that when he saw the ultra sound he would forget it. It didn't' even bother him. They scheduled the appointment and told us to drop off the Money. Well I was about 10 1/2 weeks and had to go away for work the day before I left I dropped the Money off and it ripped my heart out. I went away and had scheduled the day for the abortion the Tuesday when I got back. I called him when I was away and it killed me to talk to him all I could think about was the baby. I actually hoped that I died on the plane so the baby wouldn't be alone. I felt so isolated and alone and afraid. When I got back I went to work that Monday and had gotten laid off from a job after 18 years. That did it for my husband-the next day was the procedure. That morning he said are we doing the right thing I said no I want the baby he said what will we do you don't have a job we need a bigger place. I said it will work out - he had hature on his face and starting moaning that we are too old. We both turned 40 this year. That our lives are ruined. Well I said then let's do it. I took the pills and he drove me down. I thought for sure he was coming into the room. When I walked down the hall I thought he would yell out my name but he never did. I thought he would knock on the door and say stop it. But he never came. The procedure was terrible. I'll never forget it. Then I was subjected to going to the hospital for a rh negative shot. My husband went to put his hand on me and I said don't you ever touch me again. Everyone kept asking me in the hospital why I was there - I said I lost my baby - I couldn't say the truth.

  Well I stayed out from work for about 7 Months and spent the summer with my two kids. I've been to therapy and on antidepressants but still feel alot of grief. My baby's due date was my husband's mother's birthday and that still didn't matter. I can't seem to forgive him or myself. I'll never have another baby and it's killing me. I feel so sad for the baby.

  I have my ups and downs sometimes it seems that our relationship is okay and then something will happen like a friend getting pregnant and there I go into a slump again. I am happy for my two children but I'll never forgive myself I always wonder what the baby would have been like. I can't believe that my husband is so selfish.
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• I had my abortion 4 Months ago- August 18, 1999. I was 19 years old, I am 20 now. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I feared I might be pregnant from the very moment I conceived, and I found out for sure on July 3. I took the test at my best friend's house, and when it showed up positive, I didn't even flinch. Somehow I'd already known it, but I still was not letting it affect me. But the image of those two red lines stayed in my mind and finally began to sink in as I told the father that same night. I've never heard anyone say "Oh my god!" so many times. The father lived 1500 miles away to make matters worse. The next Month and a half that followed felt 5 times as long. I can remember so clearly and easily everything I felt and went through since the moment I found out, up to and including the end of it. For the first time in my life I really truly did not know what to do. The father and I would talk for hours about our options, round and round in circles. We talked so much without even coming close to a decision, even now it feels surreal and weird that we don't have to discuss it anymore. Both of us really wanted a family, just not so young and not in our long distance situation. We would come to the logical decision to have it aborted, but then we would both cry at the thought of actually doing it. We couldn't stop thinking about how beautiful it would be, and how smart and precious. I'm still not sure if we ever actually came to a decision. I felt in my heart that I really wanted to keep it no matter how impossible it seemed. If I had had his support or even the support of family and friends, I truly think I would have. Its those thoughts that made what I did so hard. I felt pressured to make a decision and do something before it got too late to decide. And so I did it, in hopes that it would be the choice that could make my life go back to normal, which was all I really wanted. That was a foolish wish. I do take full responsibility for my actions and mistake, and I even surprise myself by not blaming the father and everyone else who pressured me into it. I guess I just feel that ultimately it was me who went through with it. I do feel very lucky that the guy was so sensitive and cared so much about my feelings, in fact I am still with him and love him more than ever for being there for me and giving me support when I need it most. But I am not the same and I don't think I ever will be. I still have flashbacks of burning, twisting pain inside me, I still cry myself to sleep some nights, and I'm still finding it so hard to fight back the tears when I see a baby. Sometimes I do just fine, and sometimes I feel like ripping my hair out and screaming at the top of my lungs how sorry I am for being so cowardly. But what's done is done, and the consequences are mine, I chose them. To my beautiful child somewhere out there, a part of you lives on with me forever. To anyone reading this, thank you for reading my story and I hope it makes you remember that you are not alone.
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• My circumstances are a bit different from most. I am 29, have been married for almost 4 years to a wonderful man I've known for 10 years This site has been a great find for me, as most of the information you find on abortion is either about the procedure or a lot of judgmental rantings from religious fanatics. It really helps to read about the experiences of other women and it helps me in dealing with a lot of the emotions I have been experiencing lately. My circumstances are a bit different from most. I am 29, have been married for almost 4 years to a wonderful man I've known for 10 years, and have always wanted children with him...when the time was right. We have recently moved to London and I have found the transition to be extremely difficult. Our combined salaries are much lower than they used to be and the cost of living is higher, so we've had some adjusting to do as far as Money goes. I haven't had much luck in finding a good job over here...one of those things I wanted to accomplish for myself. We live in quite a small apartment and are frustrated with so many aspects of our lives. I always envisioned being settled and having Money in the bank, etc when we decided to have a baby. I was miserable in my new surroundings, hated my job, and was feeling generally depressed and negative about everything. This was the worst possible time for me to find out I was pregnant. My immediate reaction was shock, then absolute terror. On the surface, it all looks fine...married, good relationship, both working. But we hardly had any Money, were paying off old debts, were unsettled and unhappy...how could I bring a child into this scenario? My husband and I experienced so many different emotions during the time we were trying to make a decision. It was difficult in so many ways...especially during the times where we were both feeling a bit more positive and thinking we could make it work. But reality set in more for me than for him...I just couldn't handle being pregnant at a time when I was experiencing so much other upheaval in my life. I was sick all the time and couldn't function. I also have to admit, although I regret it being part of my decision at the time, but I was so depressed by the reaction I thought people would have. I was never going to do well for myself like my other friends and family...I was just going to end up living my life for this child and never getting a chance to try and make my life materially good and settled. I know it sounds selfish and horrible, but I almost resented being pregnant because it was going to change me and my life beyond recognition and I just didn't feel ready for it, despite being "the right age". A lot of women have abortions when they are in their teen and their early twenties, and although it doesn't negate their feelings, it has to be easier to justify to yourself when you're younger. When you're in school or still dependent on your parents, it's got to be a much more straightforward decision. When the whole world around you would approve, but you yourself are finding the prospects of parenthood terrifying...well, let's just say I'm feeling enormously guilty that I've lost my chance due to being selfish and immature and too concerned about it being "the wrong time". I don't berate myself daily, nor do I torture myself with guilt or fears of having "ended" a potential person. I think my guilt and regret stems from the fact that I DO want to have children with my husband and I'm scared my decision was not one of serious practicality (even though I know that afording a baby at this time, childcare, not working would have been beyond difficult), but more about my fears about what way my life would become. I think it's important for women to realize that you make this decision because you think you are doing the right thing at the time. I hope my feelings of sadness subside with time and that, when the time IS right, my husband and I can try again. Whatever our reasons were, at least we have found a forum to seek comfort and understanding. Thank you all for sharing your stories...it has helped me a great deal.
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• I was 21 and my boyfriend was 19. We were together for about one year. In February 1999, I found out I was pregnant. AT first my boyfriend was dealing with it in a sensible way. But then one morning, he woke me up and told me it wasn't possible for me to have this child. HE was too young, HIS parents would be disappointed. EVERYTHING WAS ABOUT HIM!!!! NO one else knew about it yet. I was afraid to talk to anyone until i knew for sure what I was going to do. MY family and friends are 200% against abortion. I Wanted this baby. IT HURT ME SOOOOOO bad when he told he did not want it. I wanted to be a family. I was not in a clear state of mind through this whole ordeal. I am a full time student, and was working 30 hours a week. I felt like a zombie. I couldn't make decisions about anything. HE took advantage of my unstable mind. He told me it would be better for me not to tell anyone. I listened, and have kept it hidden ever since. He left me 2 weeks after the abortion, telling me HE couldn't handle it!!!! I was the one who went through the procedure not HIM!!! My life fell to pieces. I could not function anymore. I am still not over it yet. I came to this sight looking for HELP!! I realize how much I need it, and that it is o.k. to talk to people! Please feel free to e mail me if u need to talk. I don't mind listening, because if one keeps it bottled up like I did, it makes it WORSE!!! TRUST ME!!
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• I was 15 and he was 16 when we met. It didn't take long for us to fall in love...we were young but though we were so grown up. We had sex 4 Months after we began dating and it became an important part of our relationship. We were together for 1 year and a half before we broke up the first time. Things weren't working out for one reason or another, so we decided to date other people. I was upset about the breakup even though I initiated it so I decided to date one of his closest friends. For about four Months we did not talk to each other, but then on my 17th birthday he called me, and as our conversation went on we confessed our undying love and need to be with one another. There was alot of drama involved as I broke up with his friend in order to get back with him. I think the intensity and drama of the situation fueled our passions, and we were less than careful when we got back together. It wasn't long before I discovered that I was pregnant. I was completely crazed when I found out. This was not supposed to happen. I was one of those girls in high school that everyone considers "smart" and "good" and "innocent". I always earned good grades, was involved in alot of activities, had alot of friends, and a great boyfriend. I had no idea how I would break the news to my mom...my boyfriend was scared but thought that we could make it work. Sure it would be hard, but with alot of hard work we could make it through. I wasn't convinced. I had so many dreams, and so many people expected so much of me. The way I saw it, a baby would be totally impractical, and it also seemed unfair that I would be the one who would have to shoulder the majority of the sacrifice. It had always been my dream to go to college, earn my degree and then my masters. My boyfriend was interested in a career in the military. Let's face it, the women have to deal with the responsibility of first carrying the child and then being the primary nurturer in the early years. The whole thing felt suffocating. On the other hand I was in love with this guy, and despite myself I began to think beyond the terms of "fetus" and "tissue", but more in terms of "baby" and "child". Even now I have images of my child, and I've kept careful track of the birthdays. In February my daughter would have been 7. At the time body was changing so much, I longed for someone to share it with. My friends all seemed to be caught up in superficial things in comparison to what I was going through, and my boyfriend seemed to be living in a fantasy world. He didn't understand how I couldn't be totally ecstatic about what was going on. I have never felt so alone. And then my mother confronted me. I guess she had known I was pregnant for a little while, and was trying to figure out what to do. She let me spill out all the things I was feeling and at the end of our discussion she "suggested" an abortion. In a way I felt relieved like someone else was handling things, but mostly I felt disappointed because I had wanted her to come up with something better. I don't know what, but something else. Well I had the abortion and the crazy thing about it is I don't remember the date. I remember the date of the first time I was kissed, had sex, wore a particular outfit, but for some reason I have blocked that out, even the Month. I just know it was during the summer of 93. I didn't even tell my boyfriend that I was getting the abortion until it was over, and he cried and cried when he found out. We ended up breaking up a few Months later, but we stayed friends. It hurt too much to be together I guess. We did get back together about six Months later, but things weren't exactly the same. We still loved each other, but there was alot of pain and betrayal. I blamed him in a way for what happened and he was upset with me for killing our child. When I went away to college, he cheated on me and the girl became pregnant. He told me he still loved me and that he wanted to be together, but there was no way I could handle that. She had decided to do what I wouldn't do--bring his child into the world. For a long time we didn't talk...it wasn't until the past couple of Months that we found each other again. He's in the military and moved out of state. We talked and he told me he still loves me, always have, and always will. I believe him because I feel the same way, but we have lost so much. He's married to the girl he cheated on me with and they have two children now. I don't want to live a life of regret, but I wonder how things would have been different if I would have kept my baby.
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• I have been looking for a place like this. I am still in a loose relationship with the guy who I got pregnant by. I had my abortion on June 5, 1999. That date is etched in my brain for the rest of forever. He was always just, "a friend of a friend" but that changed on January 1st, 1999. We thought we would be able to date but not have any serious commitment. About 4 Months later we went on a camping trip and one thing led to another. I didn't get my next period when I had expected it. This was sort of odd because I am always like clock-work. I was (still am) finishing my second degree and at the time was right in the middle of finals so I thought that maybe I was under stress. However, my breasts hurt so bad that it was hard for me to sleep some nights. I didn't want to admit it to myself. Finally, I told him that I was a little concerned and that we should probably test. He went with me to buy the test, we went back to his place and within about 10 seconds of doing the test it showed positive. I told him I did not believe it so he offered to run out and buy a second test. When he came back I did that test and the same thing happened. I thought, "How can this be happening to me?!! I am a 27 year old women who is working on her second college degree. I have always been careful. I am a good person. This was NEVER supposed to happen to me!" He and I talked about it for awhile that day. I was really scared. I really do want to be a mother. I lost my mother (who I adore and she will always be my hero) very suddenly when I was 12. I want to have a child that I can be there for and love. I want to give the child all the things my mother couldn't give to me because she died. That aside, he did not want to marry me, I did not want to marry him. We both felt that to get married, at that point, would have been a mistake. He agreed that we should probably look into abortion. That scared me a lot too. In the days following that he and I talked a lot. He has some strong religious convictions (which I really feel, only surface when it is convenient for him) which I don't. He eventually came to me telling me that he did not think I was thinking about all my options. This made me really angry. He decided that I should have the baby and put it up for adoption. Now maybe this is selfish but I'm sure some of you can understand, I want a child. I could not see going through nine Months of pregnancy only to give away something that precious. He didn't want to be involved if I did decide to have the child (he told me this on multiple occasions). I could not/can not financially raise a child on my own. Not to mention the fact that I didn't want to, I think that a child should really have two stable parents (I realize that this isn't always possible but this is what I would want for my child). His telling me that he didn't think I was thinking about all my options also made me angry because I was sick from morning to night. Believe me, I could not do anything except think about my options and about the baby inside of me that I really wanted to keep. He still continued to give me a hard time about what was to happen. I know that he was probably doing the best he could given that fact that he was sort of having a religious conflict of interest. It still hurt me though. When the day finally came, my dad and my stepmother came with me (I was so glad they did). It was terrible and I never want to go through it again but the women at the clinic (Planned Parenthood) were wonderful to me. My dad took me back to my "boyfriend's" house and there I stayed for the weekend. I was sad because I felt that I had really lost something that I had always dreamt of having. My baby was gone. He was never that affected by it and wanted to pretend as though nothing really happened. He has not wanted to and still does not talk about it unless I bring it up. Right now it is sort of on the fore front of my mind because I would be 8 Months pregnant and every where I look I see children wrapped up in the holiday festivities. I do wonder what my baby would have been like. I feel somewhat guilty because I feel like maybe I gave up to easy. I know in my heart this isn't true, I know I made the right decision considering where I am in my life. I'm still sad though.
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• i was 18 and alone i wanted to be in a relationship everyone else was i was tired of endless one night stands(with the same man)i wanted something more. i called a phone line in July of 1998 and met my husband. he took me out on a date we slept together that same night. we contained to see each other we me and him developed in to us and we were dating about 1 1/2 Months we weren't using any protection. i was in a nursing assistant training program and i was very tried and sick all the time and i hadn't my pd since the beginning of Sept and it was now the middle of Oct. i new i was pg.when we talked about before abortion was out we were gonna raise it but everytime my pd came we forgot what we said he called me from school on sat night and i told him i new i was he said your gonna get an abortion i said no he said Im coming home this coming weekend and I'll find a number for you. well how he found it i dont know but i called on Mon they put in for an abortion that sat but if i decided that i wasn't gonna do it i could leave. so i went and i got a test and it was positive and i also got an ultra sound in which i saw . i was 6 weeks maybe more i couldn't believe it when i told him that i was 6 weeks he almost fainted i wante dto hear so badly from lets go home but he didn't so when thy called my name a counselor i snuck a peek at my pics and date of delivery that was dumb move it hauntes me now.so i got it done, when i left i ran out and ran to the parking lot and got on to the train with him there he was crying and i was in shock we ate at burger king he made he said i would feel better.his parents thought we went to the mall.i was in so much pain and that was just the beginning we are now married and deal with it everyday and someday soon where gonn have kids but i will never forget Jakob Donald.
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• I was 19 years old and a sophomore in college when I became pregnant and chose to have an abortion. My boyfriend (the father, age 22 at the time) and I had been together for 3 years and had a pretty good relationship. I had been on the pill since I was 15, but after having heavy breakthrough bleeding in the middle of a pack, thought I was having my period and stopped taking the pill. I waited until the following sunday and did start a new pack of pills but all along thought I might be pregnant (what I had thought was my period only lasted 2 days). A few weeks later, while still taking the pill I just became aware that I was pregnant. For a few weeks I had wondered, but on a wednesday night it just became something I knew like my own name- I was pregnant, I could just feel it. The following day I went to the student health center for a test and was seriously aggravated when they wouldn't give me one, they said I wasn't late and that they'd have to test me in the morning anyways. After persuading them, I got them to agree to test me the following morning. So now it's friday morning and I'm supposed to be in class but I'm at the health center instead. I don't even remember giving a specimen, I just remember the nurse walking into the room and saying, "it's positive". She gave me a few papers with some phone numbers and sent me out the door. I was supposed to go to work that day but there was no way I could, so I took the first bus to my boyfriends instead. He was still asleep when I got there, so I got into bed with him and started crying. He asked me what was wrong and I couldn't say it. I remember he wasn't facing me, and he kept making guesses about what had happened like, had I failed a test or did somebody get in an accident. I finally just asked him to please face me and he did. With me still crying he asked if my grandmother had died, and still unable to say the words "I'm pregnant", the best I could get out was, "it's kind of the opposite of that". (Little did I know then that I would later come to perceive it as a death). Then he said the words for me, "You're pregnant" then, "Oh boy". Next came "what are you going to do". Not what are we going to do, but what was I going to do. I gave him the answer he wanted to hear. I said, "The only thing I can do, have an abortion". For the next couple Months I never even thought of what I wanted. In the week and a half between the test and the abortion I was literally like a robot on a mission. I made the necessary phone calls and appointments and resigned myself to the fact that this was what I had to do. I thought about my boyfriend who clearly didn't want a baby, my mother and family who I would disappoint, his mother who I would make mad, the potential baby who would be poor, and society who I would burden if I were to have this child. I didn't let myself rub my stomach or even think about the pregnancy other than that it had to end. The day of the abortion we got up very early and made the 2 and a half hour drive to the hospital. I was in a total daze, if we had conversation on the way I don't remember any of it. What I do remember from that day is laying on the table with a man sucking my baby out of me while I screamed "Stop, get it out!" ("it" being the machine not the baby) He told me he couldn't stop now, it was too late and there was excruciating pain. I really don't know if I blacked out or just blocked everything else out because the next thing I remember was walking into the waiting room and saying to my boyfriend "let's go". They had given me valium, although I didn't realize it at the time, and I remember nothing from the drive home. The next couple Months I didn't think about any of it. I couldn't let myself. Then there were triggers like friends of ours having a baby that brought me to tears. Shortly after what would have been my due date (June 17) I started having dreams. My deams were wonderful. Dreams of a happy, healthy baby that I loved with my whole being. When I was pregnant for some reason I assumed it was a girl, but in my dreams I had a beautiful baby boy. I would tickle him and he would laugh and look at me with adoring eyes, the picture of health in OshKosh overalls (I actually saw the OshKosh label, he's a photo that will always be in my mind). I would wake up and feel an incredible void. Two years after the abortion I went to counseling. I realized that if I was ever going to have children, something I've always wanted very much to do, I needed to become more at peace with what I had done. In counseling I described my dreams in detail. I had never told anyone about them and letting it out led me to cry like I have never cried before or since. I finally grieved for the life that I had killed and let myself love that which no longer existed. That counseling session was my first step in coming to terms with the abortion. I probably won't ever fully come to terms with it, but I have at least allowed myself to grieve and accept my feelings. Of course I will always wonder if I did the right thing. It would have been difficult financially, but I would love that child with all my heart and that's what is most important. I know I will always feel a loss and think about what that child would be like now. I have good days and bad days, some days I'm able to tell myself I did what was in the best interests of the baby, and some days I hate myself for not allowing it to live. The different thoughts and emotions I've felt are far too many to share here, but in the end I know I can't go back and change anything. It's now a little over 3 years since the abortion and my boyfriend and I are still together. Our relationship has grown stronger, but sometimes I fell immense anger towards him both for letting me terminate the pregnancy and for being so unaffected. One positive thing that has come from this dreadful experience (believe me it took me a long time to admit there was a positive) is that I now realize it doesn't matter what other people think. What's most important is that I allow myself to have and listen to my own feelings and make decisions that are best for me. That lesson was learned by sacrificing an innocent life, and is a lesson I will live by. I owe at least that to the child that never would be.
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• I was 20 years old and had a decent relationship with my boyfriend of six Months. We broke up the end of April. We slept together one last time a week later. (I had just had my period by the way.) I didn't think anything had become of us sleeping together. We did it ALL the time. I loved with all my heart and couldn't believe that I had given him up. He thought drugs and alcohol were more important. He was 22 and you know how guys are then. Well, about a Month later I met a guy from work and well, we had a one night stand. Not even worth my time. After sleeping with him I was so upset at myself. Well, come to find out he was married and that made me feel even worse. I was the lowest of lows. I hadn't had my period yet but didn't think anything of it. It was always late when I was stressed out. Well, I started eating more but thought I was stressed so I needed to eat. I am not a big girl at all and one of the girls at work noticed I was eating almost every minute of the day. I did sick one night when I went out and drank but thought I was hung over. I was sick for four days straight and that's when I thought I better take the test. Well, I took it on a Sunday night. My best friend (who had also tried so hard to break us up) and I were supposed to go out dancing. How happy do you think I was that night. I never told her because even though she had already had two abortions she would be so judgmental of me being pregnant. Well, the next day I went to the Planned Parenthood around the corner from my work and sure enough blue right away. I was seven weeks pregnant. I wanted so bad. It always was a dream of mine to be a mom. It had been exactly seven weeks since my last period and the last time I had slept with my ex. But there was always the possibility it could have been the other guy's baby. You know they aren't exactly to the tee with the time. But I had all the symptoms I would have had at seven weeks. Well, I called my ex from work and told him what had happened. He blew up. How am I gonna raise a baby? He kept asking me if I had slept with someone else and I denied it. I knew in my heart it was his. I wanted it to be his so bad. We fought for an hour and a half and he finally got mad enough he hung up on me. Well, I didn't go straight home. I went to a friend's house but when I got home he had called five times. He came over and we discussed things. He told me he knew he wouldn't be a good father. I knew he wouldn't be either and with me not having a good relationship with my dad I didn't want that for my child either. And what if I had it and it was the other guy's? He had just called me and told me he was moving away. His wife was PREGNANT!!! Well, I knew if I tried hard enough I could raise that child. But there was always the question what if? What if it wasn't my ex's? He called me every day for the next week to see if I had decided. Of course not. This was a life inside me and I couldn't jump to a decision. But any longer and the abortion was gonna be hard on me. I decided to go ahead and made an appointment for June 26, 1998. He did go with me but of all the signs God was giving me that day I never took them. You had to show ID when you went in the clinic. He had lost his. When they got there they argued with me. They had let kids 8 and 10 years old in there but they wouldn't let him. He offered to come back and pick me up but I needed him there for me. I argued with them but they finally let him in. They counseled me but I never had an ultrasound done. Never offered or would have never done it. I knew it was so wrong. I knew it was totally unlike me to do this. When it was time and that vacuum came on the tears came rolling. The nurse said I was too young to have a baby. Not me. I was so mature for my age. They gave me laughing gas but that didn't make to forget at all. For one split second (this is kinda gross) I wanted to see that baby in the jar. I wanted to see what I had made and killed!!! Yeah, they put us in the chairs, gave us the medicine and the heating pads. I was so sick from it but I wanted to leave right then. I needed to hug me and tell me it was gonna be alright. I ran to him when I got downstairs and hugged him. No response which hurt even more. We left that day and he drove back to his house. We talked about it. He was curious. He asked what happened and what they did. For one time he cared. When we got to his house he offered to let me come in and lay down. The next thing I knew some girl pulled up to his house and got out and tried to come after me. I had just had an abortion and now this. I drove all the way home myself and balled and said how much I hated him. I wanted to kill him so bad. I never cried so bad in my life. I cried the whole weekend. He had just met a girl when I told him I was pregnant so he had moved on I thought. Every few Months he'd call and want to get back together. And when I'd go to his house he'd always try to sleep with me. We still talk now a year and a half later. He wants to get back together again but he stills believes it wasn't his. I did finally tell him the truth but he still doesn't believe me. He loves me still but that is still holding back from wanting me completely. Maybe some day we'll be together again. But for now I wait for him to want to love me for me.
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• I read through all these stories in amazement. I met my EX-boyfriend in May of 1997. I was working full time, had a roomie, trying to get back into college, kicked out of my parents house, the list could go on. I saw him at a friends house and he completely ignored me. I couldn't believe it. No one ignores me. I am too tall, too loud, too everything. I was determined to date him. I was told to stay away and that he would just hurt me, but I was 20 years old and thought I was invincible. I was wrong. He finally noticed me. I was at my friends house and we were watching movies. I fell asleep. When I woke up in the morning we were the only two there. He asked if I would have sex with him. I wanted him to love me so badly that I said ok. It was terrible!!! I hated it!!! All I could think of was that this wasn't worth it!! He then told me that he had been a virgin. I was very upset... life went on and our relationship was a very psycho one. Lots of lies, broken promises, etc. I held on thinking that I saw the Real Him. I knew who He really was. I was wrong... We broke up on a Saturday in June. I had been thinking I was pregnant. Monday I went to Wal-Mart and took the test at work in the bathroom stall. I wrapped up the test and put it in my purse. I went to my friends house (He was staying there) and told my friend. My friend was shocked and said I had to tell Him and that it was His right. I waited for Him to come home. We didn't talk. Then my friend announced that He had to talk to me and that we needed privacy. He went upstairs and I followed. We were in His room and I didn't know what to say or do so I just handed Him the Test. He asked what it was. I told Him. We didn't say anything. We did a lot of crying. It was decided 10 hours later that abortion was the only answer. I went to the library and read all of the SIRS then I checked out 20 books on all aspects of abortion. I was determined to be an informed choice maker. He called and the appointment was made for August 21, 5 days after my birthday, I would be 21 years old. He was very attentive from then on. He bought me things, spent a lot of time with me, told me he loved me, everything I wanted to hear!! We drove 2 hours to the clinic. The security guard said not to worry and that he would protect me. All I could think was who is going to protect my baby? There were many of us. They told me they might not be able to do it as my baby was 1/2 in one of my tubes. They tried anyway. I was knocked out. I woke up to women crying and screaming. They were screaming for their children, crying that they wanted their babies. I left. I couldn't eat. I just wanted to sleep. I hurt very badly. I slept all the way home. He left me there and went out with his friends. Sunday (aug 22 the next day) we went to my friends house everyone was there. His friends told him to "lose me" I was a bitch and he deserved better. He took me home and left me there. He left me the following Tuesday saying He needed time. I was still not bleeding. Wednesday I started to bleed and cramp. I had tissues and clots coming out of me the size of golf balls a few twice that size. I didn't stop bleeding. Thursday night I called my best friend (who didn't know) and asked her to come over. She did. She wanted to take me to the hospital, I could barely move. I said no. She spent the night with me. I insisted on going to work Friday (had to pay rent). She called all over but no dOctors would see me. Friday she and her husband picked me up from work and took me to the hospital. I had fainted and had dizzy spells and was bleeding a river. I was there over 7 hours. There I was informed that my child had not been aborted but was still alive but the procedure had to be done again because my child wasn't all there. They proceeded. I have the paper labeled as a spontaneous abortion (= to a miscarriage). I made my best friend take me to His apartment. He was in the middle of a party and was 1/2 drunk. He knew I was in the ER and never called and didn't go with me. He told me it wasn't his problem and went back into the party. I went home to die. I couldn't move. I hurt. I had lost so much blood that there was mention of a transfusion. I refused. My life was a mess. I kept insisting that I hadn't done anything wrong. I had dreams of my son (Christopher William) talking to me but I couldn't reach him. Nothing worked. Not my taste buds, not my tears, not my brain nothing. I was a shell. My best friend then got me the number for AAA Women's Services and I went there. I kept insisting that I had done nothing wrong. I then did counseling and did a 13 week program (PACE). That is what made me functional again.

  Please keep in mind that I am not an idiot. I scored 99% on the English section of my ACT. My over all score was 27 and that was before the tests scores were changed to make Americans look smarter. I have scored 138 on verbal IQ tests and 142 on written. I am not a person to be swept away by new things or ideas. But I was a mess, literally a shell of a person. I have been through sexual abuse, my sister being molested, divorce, mental and emotional abuse, you name it and I am quite sure I have had to live through it. But this was too much for even me!! I no longer cared to live or die. Counseling and PACE are the only things that got me through. I did a course on forgiveness called Forgiven and Set Free. All about forgiving myself and letting that guilt go. POWERFUL!!!

  I now have a plaque on the wall of the National Memorial to the Unborn. There are currently 850 plaques. I just got back yesterday from visiting. I haven't been there for 1.5 years. I cried. Everyday I beg God to give me my child back. I can't have that, but I have the physical remembrance of Christopher William there in Chattanooga, TN. Please look him up if you ever visit there. Christopher is on the far right hand side approximately 1.5 feet from the wall. He is about eye level. Tell him his mommy misses him and loves him.
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• Name: elly
  My boyfriend and I were in a good place: we were just about to move in together, we really loved each other (and continue to, we’re still together), and a lot of exciting new things were about to happen in both our lives. Unfortunately, my getting pregnant wasn’t one of them. My brief pregnancy (Aug-Oct 3, 1997) and the subsequent abortion spawned feelings in me that were completely unexpected, and made no sense to me at that point. Writing this now, two years and two Months after the fact, I’ve gained some insight about those feelings from the site (thank you so much jilly for this site!) and from my own personal growth and I’m finally ready to dive in, so to speak. The decision to have an abortion was a nondecision, really. I had no choice, financially or emotionally. I had enough trouble keeping up my end of the rent let alone even considering the financial burden of a baby, and I still had a lot of ups and downs, emotionally. In regard to the latter, knew I still hadn’t found a stable place for myself. I made an appointment in the only place that does abortions in my region, about 25 miles away. The actual abortion procedure made me feel nothing; I was concentrating on feeling nothing at all, and particularly on not crying. After it was over, the nurses helped me up off the table, and my facade cracked and I suddenly started sobbing. I couldn’t stop, and I didn’t know why I was crying. I continued crying for a good 15-20 minutes. Finally, I pulled it together and got up to leave. My b/f met me in the waiting room, and I went home with him. On the way home, he wanted to stop in town to pick up some stuff from the drugstore. I asked if we could wait, or if I could wait in the car, but he insisted and said it was only a short walk (the drugstore is in the center of town, a block or two from the parking lot) I wanted only to go home, put on my favorite nightgown and curl up and try and go to sleep. I felt sore and violated (to top it off, it was my very first experience with a gynecologist) and extremely fragile emotionally. I remember on the way to the drugstore, I couldn’t keep up with my boyfriend, because it was painful to take long strides. At that point, I experienced the first small clue that my otherwise very wonderful friend and lover was not going to understand how much I felt affected by what I had been through. That really hurt a lot. Over the following Months, I had what I called ‘pull’, that strong, intense feeling that for me was unnamed until I went out to a coffee shop to see a band play. In this particular coffee shop, the owners have created a beautiful little shrine to their child who died shortly after birth. We ended up sitting right in front of the damn thing, and I finally realized that I was grieving for something I had lost. I commented to my b/f that the shrine was incredibly sad, but I knew at that point he didn’t want to talk about how I was feeling. He had many times already expressed wonder at why I was still ‘living in the past’ and insisted that ‘thinking about it will only make it worse’. After I identified my grief, I started to try and look at more of my feelings, and it has been easier, for the most part. I found this site last Month after a perspective-altering bout of pms (one week of hell, yet I was able to ‘see’ farther because of, and through, my misery) made me realize I needed to face my feelings about my abortion. Writing this wasn’t really fun or easy, and I keep a lot of tissues next to my computer, but I still would encourage other women to write their stories, for the feeling of release, if nothing else.
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• Name: Karyn
  I was a junior in college. I was in the midst of my first sexual relationship, I was 19 years old. I found out I was pregnant on a Tuesday, in my bathroom. I was all alone. I immediately went to my friends job, and asked her to come with me to a clinic, so I could get a more accurate test. I knew though, I guess I just wanted to know fore SURE. When the woman at the clinic confirmed it, I almost died. I had taken the bus there, and the entire way home I cried. When I walked through the front door of my apartment, I fell to the floor. I fainted. I fainted in the middle of the floor. When I came to, I got up and went to my room. I slept for 13 hours. I told my boyfriend immediately. I told him that I was in no position to have a child, and that I had made up my mind. He was 100% supportive. The next barrier was telling my mother. I kept it for a week. I finally blurted it out during a conversation, and she was relatively and surprisingly calm. She didn't even know I was having sex. I was almost three Months pregnant on the day of my abortion. I had it done at a hospital. My ob-gyn performed it, and that put me at ease. I was so scared. They sedated me. I can remember the surgical tools laying on the small table to my right. I can remember my feet being placed in stirrups. I can remember the bright lights, and the weird vanilla smell that wafted through the air. I said goodbye as I felt the medication float me into another realm. Afterwards, I was a wreck. I went back to school, and that might I had a friend pick me up and take me to my boyfriends house. I slept with him holding me. We cried ourselves to sleep. We named her, I really felt like it was a her. So we named her that night. We prayed for God to take care of her. We prayed for God to take care of Karis-a combination of our names. He came back to school to stay with me for a while, and never left. He held me each night, and soon I could feel the sadness lift. I still get sad sometimes. He and I are no longer together, and when I think of him, I think of her. I miss them both. I would love to see my little angelin heaven one day, and I guess in time I will. The pain of abortion is lifelong. The pain of giving up a part of you is continuous. The pain does lessen though. The pain moves to the background out of the forefront. The pain never goes away though. It's essentially like losing your first real love, she was my first true love.
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• Name: Tess
  I love children. As a little girl I would sometimes pretend as if I were an expectant mom with my tooth-fairy pillow stuffed under my shirt to make a pudgy belly. Then me and my pudgy little belly would push my Raggedy Ann and Cabbage Patch "babies" around in my doll stroller. Now as a twenty-six year old, I still do love children and feel that their well-being is the most important thing in life. I am a college student about to graduate with a double degree in Special education and Regular Elementary education. I am very good at what I do, and most of all, I enjoy it. There is nothing I would like better to do in this phase of my life. I am an O.K-looking blonde who has increasingly over the past year become more intent on looking more and more perfect. I work with kindergartners in the afternoons and I am good at that, mainly because I adore the children so much. In all aspects, it must be hard for anyone to see how I really feel inside. I found this web site about two hours ago, and this has been one (mark that, one) of my hardest and darkest days. When I ran out of tears, I decided to put into words my story and (omigod!) share it.

  On October 3, 1998, I had an abortion. The father was someone whom I ever so mistakenly thought was the love of my life. By the time I realized that he was the psycho of my life, he was living with me (except for the two weeks he spent in jail on drug charges), I was scared to breathe the wrong way around him, and the icing on the cake from hell- I was pregnant. Ours was a fast and furious "romance". If my calculations are correct, I was pregnant about the second or third week we were together. Not so smart, huh? I learned the hard way that "love" cannot change a man. What they are is what they are. After he got out of jail, he was increasingly agitated, angry, and threatening. I have a dear friend who basically saved my life, and when I confided in her what was going on, she told me not to tell him. She was afraid that once he new he would become more violent and controlling and try to do something, even like taking the baby after it was born, or who knows what. In other words, I know that if I had brought my poor baby into a hell with him he would in some way hurt it. And guess what, my friend was exactly right. I wanted so badly for the situation to become better that I told him, in the hopes that it would change him and he would be loving and caring and gentle. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! Things got worse. He was not loving; he never wanted to feel my tummy or take care of me when I was sick. He became meaner and made threats because he felt cornered in his life (boo hoo, you shouldn't have f---ed it up, you selfish bastard!). My day-to-day life consisted only of going to work and making sure that I kept him calm. I would even give him Money so he would go out drinking with his other loser friends so I could breathe for awhile. When he was really bad he said he "was going to kill himself and everything around him" (I was there in bed beside him). I even took to keeping a hunting knife I found in his backpack under my side of the bed. Then one night when he was out drinking, I was especially sick and physically and emotionally drained. I laid down in bed at about 8:00 and locked the door to my room. My roommate, who hated me because I had this freeloading plague living with me,Came home with some of her drunk buddies, one of them being an ex-boyfriend of mine. My roommate nor her pals knew I was pregnant, or the stuck situation I was in (I was afraid to leave him or ask him to go). Anyway, they proceeded to beat on my door and threaten me. I was too sick and tired to even be scared anymore. I just laid there and waited for them to get bored with bothering me. I could hear them in the kitchen doing God-knows-what to my food, laughing and shouting. I just did not care. When my psycho boyfriend came back, he picked a fight with the guy I used to date and all hell broke loose. When I knew they were about to kill each other, I tried to stop my boyfriend, so he pushed me. I went sailing through the air and landed across the room and hit the side of the sofa (I had a big bruise that looked like Africa on my lower back for a long time). Then the two of them fought like nothing I have ever seen for what seemed to me like for ever, and it is so foggy and horrible in my mind that I'm not sure how long it really was. All the time people are souting at me to do something and I was in absolute hysterical crying. I could not even think. All I remember saying is "stop", "Make them stop". By the end, the psycho had bitten a chunk out of the other guy's side, they were both bloody and bruised, and my roommate (thankfully) called the police. Then the psycho is in my face shouting at me to drive him somewhere or he will have to go back to jail (good, I thought). I think the others realized what he was capable of and my ex was trying to get him away from me. The next thing I knew, the psycho took off on foot, I stumbled back to my room in some weird trance, and then the police were there. They were very nice to me, especially one that was about my age. He talked with me and was not judgmental. I asked him the thing I wanted to know the most: I wanted to know if my boyfriend could make good on his threats to make me have the baby and then take it from me like he promised he would. And the police officer said no. I was still scared, I was still worried that he could come and get me, but now I had the bittersweet knowledge that I could save my baby from ever having to be exposed to the likes of him. This is why I had the abortion. The police told me to pack a bag and go to a safe place. I went to my dear friend's house. I wound up living there for a year. She saved my life. I know these stories should be about our feelings concerning our abortions, but as of now, these factors have everything to do with my feelings about my abortion. I'm angry, sad, I long for my baby sometimes (alot, really), I don't know how I will feel day to day. But I've learned to fight it, only sometimes, I get so tired. I'm too tired to talk about the botched relationship and second abortion I had, five Months later. I'm definitely too tired to talk about my actual experiences at the clinic and all of the feelings that I'm not even sure that I have words for. I guess I'll share that another time.
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• Name: kel
  I got pregnant December 31, 1998. What a way to bring in the New Year. I was in an unhappy marriage. The father of my baby was my boss at work, who was also married and his wife was very, very sick. We started out as friends, but then it turned to something more. I rode to work with him one day and we stopped at a motel on the way home. I protested that I didn;t want to, but I went anyhow. The first time we had sex was when I got pregnant. To make matters worse, it was my first pregnancy and I was 30. When I took the pregnancy test, my knees literally buckled and I fell in the floor. I thought "OH MY GOD" I have ruined my life, my husbands life, my family and anyone who I loved. The first person I ran to was my mom. She wanted me to keep it, though she never told me, but I could see it in her eyes.She told me it was my choice and that she would stand behind me. When I told the father, at first he said the tests weren't that accurate, but after much convincing that they were, he told me it was my choice. God, I wanted someone to tell me that I was making a choice that needed alot of thought. No one did. You see I was a pro-lifer. I had always said there was no excuse for an abortion, that it was murder. Now here I was making a choice between my beliefs and my feelings. The father took me to the clinic and paid for the abortion. There were a lot of women there and I kept wondering if what I was doing was the right choice. When I went to pay for it, I seen the ultrasound and got very sick at my stomach. The "procedure" in itself was very painful. Everything I had read said the pain would be like menstrual cramps. WRONG!! Afterwards, I had a feeling of relief, remorse, and so on. It has been has been nine Months since my abortion and I'm not dealing with it very well. I think now I made the wrong choice. I'm still involved with the father and we are both still married to other people. We don't have a very good relationship, although I love him. But I feel the reason I hold on to it is so my abortion wasn't in vain. I'm just glad now that I had a choice, but I will never make that same one again. I realize that because I was scared of what everyone would think of me if I got pregnant by another man was not worth the pain and loss that I feel of losing my unborn child.
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• Name: holli
  First thank you Jilly, for the opportunity to tell my story. I am a 27 year old mother of one son, age 7. Just yesterday, I had my first abortion. My first pregnancy came at a time when I was very young and my sons father and I had no intention of marrying...or even dating for that matter! But from the moment I found out I was pregnant with him I never once thought of abortion. I knew I was to young, had very little support from the father or my family..but I knew we'd be ok. And we were. I married another man just a few years ago and tried very hard to get pregnant. We went through infertility treatments etc..and nothing ever happened. We divorced back in January and in April I started dating another man. I admit I was a pretty reckless with birth control since we (me and x)never conceived. I was diagnosed with endometriosis and told by my dOctor that there was only a slim chance of me ever getting pregnant. But Lo and Behold, early in September I found out I was pregnant when my period didn't show. I was SHOCKED. Initially, I had every intention of having another child. I had the full support of the dad to be who offered me everything. Then reality started setting in. My son was 7,was i ready to start over again...I was just getting out of a bad marriage and jumping right into motherhood with a new man. I debated for nearly 3 Months. I knew in my mind that I was getting in way over my head and I didn't truly know the man who I was ready to start this new life with. We had a terrible argument (about something unrelated) and I called the clinic the next day. I went alone and was greeted by the protesters in the alley behind the clinic. I knew they would be there but nothing really prepares you for hearing another woman yell "please don't kill your baby." I fumbled around to the front of the building and I was a real mess when I entered the registration office. I remember the one woman saying "the dOctor wont perform your surgery if he sees that your crying!" What the hell is that...I think something's wrong if your there and not showing any emotion. I was surprised about how many other women were there. And yes some of them were crying too, while other snapped their gum and listened to their walkmans. I wonder if everyone else was as horrified as me each time they called my name to a different part of the building, one step closer to the final destination. I do have to say that all of the women there were very kind and comforting. The most disturbing and memorable event of the whole "procedure" (as they like to call it) was when the dOctor stopped suctioning (but i could still hear the machine running) and he walked over to the sink in the corner and started rooting around in something. I asked "are we done?" and he said "i don't know yet, i have to make sure i have everything out". I closed my eyes and imagined what was laying over there in that sink. Next thing I knew we were done. At first a sense of relief..at least I was still alive. I really worried about dying. In the place on the registration sheet that states "person to contact in case of emergency" I wrote in big letters "JUST THROW ME IN THE RIVER!" I meant it. I've lied to everyone I know...said I had a miscarriage. I'm not sure what's worse at this point..having to keep up the lying or dealing with what I've done. It's really only been a day and a half since the "procedure." Right now I'm going back and forth, I'm relieved very briefly then its total remorse and depression. I can only hope as time goes on things will stabilize. Like the protestor screamed "may god have mercy on your soul, lady" pretty much sums it up. I'm going to sleep with my son tonight and maybe the next and the next.....
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• Angelskyler:
  I will start my story off by saying I had the abortion on January 15,1999. I was 22. I got pregnant about a year ago this Month. It was unreal to me because I only been with this guy a few Months and i never thought it would happen to me but it did. I knew i was late for my period but sometimes it did that but i thought by a certain date if i didn't get it i was going to get a pregnancy test so i did. I went to a CVS that nooone knows me at and picked up the test. I took the test and all i could do when it said positive was cry. I called a friend of mine and she came over and cried with me and righ then and there she thought i should have an abortion. i wasn't sure and i didn't want anyone making that decision for me. So, she wanted to make sure and she went to get another test. it had the same results. I then proceeded to call the so called father. At that time we were becoming very distant and when i told him i thought he would automatically say get an abortion but he didn't. he was surpassed but this almost broke us up. but it didn't. he wasn't there for me though. I knew we both should pay half but my friend say no he should pay for it all just because its my body and such. I didn't agree but i should of listened to her but I'll get to that later. Anyway, I proceeded to tell a very close friend of mine and he was great. I thought at that point i was going to keep the child. I was very scared and very confused and very alone. I then told another friend who i trusted that i was going to keep the baby. she was there for me but she wanted me to talk to someone that had an abortion and really think about what this all meant. I then talk to this person in person and she put alot of things in my head. Like do u want a kid, are u ready to be with this guy and have that connection with him for the rest of your life, is he the right one to have a kid with, would he really be there for me. little things i would of never thought about it. so i did and i kind of changed my mind but the big decision was not made until later. I was very alone and my biggest fear was telling my parents. they couldn't deal with this. i was scared of telling them and i wrote a letter just to ge it off my mind with no intention of giving them to them. I wrote it on the computer but i never thought anyone would see it. i was wrong. my brother was typing one night and saw it and he confronted me and i think that was the best thing in the world that could of happened. He was great he said i should go down to a clinic and talk to a counselor about my choices and stuff. i agreed and i knew this was for the best. i went to the clinic and this was a few days befor x-mas. my guy friend came with me and was there for me the whole day. he was great. I was suppose to have it the first week in january but i couldn't for some reason so my brother asked if i could hold out i said yes. even though the morning sickness was getting worse. it was hard to hide this from my family but i did. the day of the procedure my brothers fiancéee(sister in law now) drove me down to the clinic because it wasn't around where i lived it was down where she lived. She was great. i talked her ear off the whole way down there. it was the longest day of my life though. i signed in and i did a pregnancy test then some other test. then we were taken into this room with some other woman and were told what would happen and such. then we were sent back out to the waiting room. the waiting was the worse. we then were called in by threes into the back room and told to take everything off from the waist down and put a robe on top. I wasn't nervous until that moment i was siting in there with the three other woman. my stomach was going nuts. i wanted to run away and never come back but i didn't. they called me back and they said the would first be doing an ultrasound. and the dOctor said something i will never forget that i had twins. and the nurse asked if this changes anything and if i was married. i was in shock and just staring at the ceiling. i didn't know what to do. so i thought about but i guess not long enough and i proceeded to say i couldn't handle two so the gave be the valium and the dOctor started. i started screaming and they told me to calm down that i was almost over. then it was over. i couldn't believe it. they then took me to the room to recover and gave us our medicine and i cried and then my sister in law came and we went out to dinner. i called the father and told him and he was surprised. oh he never paid. not a dime. he is very irresponsible. not evena real man because he avoided me for a long time not to give me the Money but now i just am glad he is out of my life. my brother paid for it and i am grateful for his support and everything. In a way it was big decision that had to be made and there are alot of stuff i did since then i wouldn't of been able to do if i had kept them. but everyday i think of the lives that were in me and pray that they forgive me and understand that i wasn't ready for them to be in my life and i know they are with God and he is taking care of them.
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• Name: Krissi
  
  Story:
  My abortion was 6 weeks ago. I got pregnant for a man I met on the internet. No, I am not a child, I am 30 years old. He told me he loved me... said all the right things. I moved 800 miles to be with him. He sent me for an abortion and then dumped me.... Here is my story:
  
  
  My Private Hell / The Metal Rake
  
  I can visualize the prongs of an instrument rake across the insides of my
  body - like hearing nails n a chalkboard, I cringe.
  
  Although a support team of 3 is in the room, I feel utterly alone. With my
  body strapped down, I cannot move. I look around the plain - wall room, I see
  tools and devices. I finally hear the dOctor come into the room. I cannot see
  him through the tears in my eyes. I plead that I am changing my mind, please
  do not go through with it. I try to kick the person at my feet, to no avail.
  I cannot move.
  
  My insides feel as though they are being ripped apart, torn open. The drug
  administered is failing. I see, hear, and feel everything. I remember every
  horrid second.
  
  I yell that I am going to throw up, but Tracy, the nurse, warns me that
  nausea is a normal feeling at this point. She tries to divert my attention to
  the "cajun culture." This is no means normal. I expel everything that is
  inside of me.
  
  I hear Tracy yell.. "She's in shock!" as the other nurse scurries for towels
  and blankets. I hear instruments drop. The dOctor is telling them to put wet
  towels on my head, but I am freezing. I feel as though I am wrapped like a
  mummy. My head, my throat is layered in wet towels.
  
  I strain to hear the dOctor say that the procedure has to be repeated.
  Something is wrong.
  
  "NO!" I scream at the top of my lungs. While crying uncontrollably, I twist
  and turn and try to kick. Tracy is crying as well. The dOctor asks her to
  leave and I beg him to let her stay. He abides.
  
  *CLICK* There goes the vacuum. A procedure that takes 5 minutes is taking
  17.. and taking it's time going by at that. I am in my own private hell.
  
  I am shouting a name that is not there. Tracy begs the dOctor to go and get
  him out of the waiting room to help calm me down. They just do not
  understand... I am alone. No one is there.
  
  Once again I feel the metal rake inside of me. I am still in shock, covered
  in blankets and wet towels. I swear I hear a baby cry. One last scream and
  it is over. Tears are draining from my eyes like water from a faucet.
  
  The room falls silent except for teardrops that feel like raindrops. Tracy
  apologizes and the dOctor asks her to leave the room and "take care of
  herself." I can tell she wants to stay in here with me. She, herself, is
  still crying.
  
  My throat is sore from the screams of horror. The dOctor asks the rest of the
  nurses to leave. For the first time. I see him. He is a tall, black man,
  around 45-- 50 years old. I "eye" the blood stained lab coat. When he sees
  this, he removes it.
  
  Because I am the last patient, he pulls up a chair and sits besides me. I do
  not know what to expect. He takes off his gloves and holds my hand. I am
  trembling, half in shock.. half in fear.
  
  He tells me that I will be in recovery for a while. He explains that they had
  to perform the procedure twice. He tells me a reason, but I am not really
  listening. Tracy peeks in and says "No waiting.. No answer." I knew what that
  meant. He gently reminds me that I should not drive and no one is here to get
  me yet. I tell him that my ride will be here. I ask to use the phone and he
  says no. For me to lie down, Tracy has taken care of it. I laugh as he asks
  me if I know Tracy personally.I have only been in this town for a week. I
  have never met Tracy.
  
  I am exhausted, in pain, bleeding. He reads me like a book and is so full of
  compassion. Despite all, I was well, very well, taken care of. I had calmed
  down, but he said I was feverish, when I get home to sleep all day, not to
  push it too much.
  
  I didn't fall apart until his last statement. Before leaving the room, while
  holding my hand, he stood up and stated that he had been doing this for 20
  years. He looks down at me and changes my life forever as he says...
  "I know you did not want this abortion"
  
  I go ballistic....
  
  
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• Amy:
  I remember the day I found out like it was yesterday. I was late but I didn't really think I could be pregnant, not me. M y best friend kept telling me to take a test just to make sure, better safe than sorry. So, I took the test never thinking it would come up positive. AllI did that day was cry, I had no idea what to do. I am twenty two years old living in apartment and barely making it. What was Igoing to do? My boyfriend at the time was not working was not really doing much of anything but partying and going to class when he felt like it. I didn't want to tell him because he was leaving soon, he was transferring to another school for football. I didn't want to tell him and ruin the last couple weeks we had together. Besides, I really didn't know how he would react. Well, after alot of soul searching I finally told him. He told me he would support me in whatever decision I made. That lasted for about a day. Next, he wanted me to end the pregnancy because he wasn't going to be around, but by that time my mind was made up, I was going to have this baby. So, next step was to tell the family, I knew they wouldn't be happy but I never thought I'd get the reaction I did. The baby's father was black and I am white and my parents were not going to have me"disgrace" the family like that. They totally pushing an abortion on me. They had plenty of reasons which were all legit and the I spoke to them and him the more I became convinced that this was the best thing to do. So, I made the appointment and as that day got closer I kept telling myself that this was the right thing, but I never listened to my heart. That's where I made my mistake. I should have listened to MY heart. Now, two Months later I still cry everyday. I've never felt so alone and empty before. I don't have any one to talk to because my family thinks I should be over it but I don't think I'll ever be. I thought I made the right decision, but what I did was make the worst decision of my life and there is nothing I can do to take it back or make it better. I live with the guilt, the hurt, theheart ache everyday and I do it alone. The father and I don't speak any more and I don't think we ever will again. We haven't even spoken since the abortion, and I think that makes things a little bit harder because I really needed him, this was his child too and he just walked away the only time I ever really needed him. I don't know, I'm glad I found this page because it has really helped me see that I am not as alone as I thought I was.
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• I am a MorMon and I have strong feelings about abortion. I was 18 when I went to work in Rhode Island for the summer. Being only 18 and living in Utah, going across the United States was an exciting step. I met Jake in Rhode Island. WE worked at the same resort. I was a virgin then and I had never smoked or even had a drink of alcohol. I guess I was looking at this as a way to get out and to learn about life. Jake and I had protected sex all summer, until it was time for me to go home. I didn't even know it I would ever see him again. I didn't even know if I wanted to. I loved him but I knew I wasn't going to marry him. WE said goodbye and I left. We kept in touch through the next couple of Months then I broke up with him. I told him that he was a bad influence on me and that I had to stop drinking and smoking. That was that...I never talked to him again. Until the next summer when I returned to work in Rhode Island. He wasn't working there but he would just show up to see me some random nights. WE never did anything. We just talked and hung out with our friends. He only came to see me three times. The third time he came I was drunk. I pulled me outside and started yelling at me. He said that I wasn't trying to be good like I had told him I was. He was upset that I wasn't setting a good example. He said that he was looking at my standards and way of life as an example for his messed up life. He looked up to me and my religious strength. Then he ran away crying. An hour later he came back to talk and say he was sorry for acting the way he did. Everyone had gone to bed. We were just sitting there talking as friends about nothing really then he started kissing me. I pushed him away because I had a boyfriend in Utah. Besides I didn't want anything like that from him. He was high, on acid, and very drunk. He kissed me again and pushed me on the couch. He would not get off me. I tried to push him off and when I finally did he just got stronger and made me feel guilty and got right back on. I just want to fuck you he said, over and over until he came. It was right after my period so I wasn't even thinking to do anything. I felt dirty, guilty, like it was my fault for setting a bad example. I know it wasn't, and I know he was in the wrong for raping me. I still didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. The next week came fast and then suddenly everything made me sick. The smell of the ocean, the smell of food, the smell of my room, the smell of air even made me vomit. I knew I was pregnant. Just like everyone else has said. It is like this surety that just comes to you. I could feel it. I knew deep down inside and I knew I was afraid. I didn't have anyone I could talk to, my mom would kill me. All my friends are judgmental. I can't go home pregnant. I can't have this baby I kept thinking. When I conceived he was drunk, high, and on acid. What kind of a life would this baby have. How could i let it come into this world not knowing who it's mother was and why it was so messed up mentally and probably physically. I ended up going home 7 weeks pregnant and I tried to hide my sickness from my mom but when she started asking if I was alright I knew for the baby's sake I had to have an abortion. I contemplated the decision for weeks. I couldn't justify it. Even when I was parked outside of the women's clinic I cried for 20 min before I went in. I cried the whole time. As I looked around at all the young girls with their parents and the girls who were there alone and the girls who were there with their boyfriends it made me so sad. My baby, I named her Catherine. I saw her heart in the ultra sound. Just 5 minutes before I killed her. October 7th at 4:05 pm. I remember laying down holding someone's hand who I didn't know and who was telling me I was a wonderful woman. I told her I was raped and she looked at me deeply. I remember looking at the ceiling, the clock, the ceiling, the clock, the ceiling, the clock just waiting for it to be over. I have never felt so deep down sick and cold inside as I did for those five minutes. I could hear pieces of my baby being sucked out of me. As soon as it was over I started crying quietly. The surgeon asked if something was wrong. I just looked at her like she was crazy. She probably deals with people who feel good about their decision. I did not feel good about my decision. I know I will have to face the consequences. I know Catherine is with God, and that I will never see her. I hope that she understands why I did this. I hope she knows that I did it for her and that I love her. I will never forget her beating heart.
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• Name: Nanc
  Story:
  I had an abortion November 24, 1998. My story is different than any that I have read on here.
  
  I have been married for 20 years this November 17. My husband was transferred with his company to a town 100 miles from Phoenix where we lived. Our daughters were in high school and I didn't want to move them at that time of their lives. SO...he moved to the small town and I stayed in Phoenix. I was 36 years old at the time, and going thru a time in my life that I wondered who I was. We were married very young, and had three children right away. I was thinking there has to be more out there than "just" being a wife and mom. Well, I had a lot of free time and started living my teen years, 18 years late. I had an affair and became pregnant. I didn't know how to tell my kids and husband. I had been a housewife for all these years and didn't think I could do it on my own. I shared my pregnancy with my best friend, she tried to talk me into keeping the baby but I didn't see a way. So that day I called Planned Parenthood and set up an abortion, it was for a week and a half later.
  
  During that week and a half I lived thru pure hell. I would lay in bed and rub my stomach and cry for my baby. But I didn't see a way out other than abortion. I had never been a big drinker, but I decided the only way I could deal with this was to stay drunk for the next week.
  
  I was a nervous wreck when I walked into the clinic, I had no idea what to expect. There were about 10 other women in my "group". It was the most awful thing I have ever been thru. I felt like we were cattle going thru a cattle drive. We were called back one at time to have blood work done, then it was to the room with the recliners to see an abortion film, then we were called one at a time into the ultrasound room, I asked to see the ultrasound, I don't know if that was a good thing or not, I still can close my eyes and see it. After the ultrasound it was back to the waiting room to wait for the actual "procedure", it took just a short time, I still can hear the sound of the vacuum. Then to the recovery room, where we all sat back in the same recliners that we sat in to see the film. At that time I felt numb, I just wanted out of there, to get back in my own home.
  
  I went home, took my pain killers and went to bed. My girls came home from school and I told them I had a very bad kidney infection. This was all two days before Thanksgiving.
  My husband came home the next day for Thanksgiving along with my mother. He couldn't figure out why I hadn't shopped for Thanksgiving, that was so unlike me. The night before Thanksgiving we were rushing around looking for a turkey, and I was dying inside.
  I will never forget those days. I got thru it and thought the worse was over. Then the Christmas season was on us.
  
  I felt so much pain, stress and anxiety that I couldn't deal with it anymore. I went out one afternoon and started drinking, the more I drank the worse I felt. I came home that night and decided that I killed my baby, my own flesh and blood, and if I could kill my child I also didn't deserve to live. I took a lot of drugs on top of the drinking. I don't think I really wanted to die, I just didn't want to feel the hurt anymore. I could feel myself fading, I called my sister and asked her if God would forgive me, she could tell that something was very wrong. I told her that I had killed my baby and that I didn't deserve to live. She called 9-1-1 and headed to my house. I don't remember a lot after that. I do remember the fire department there and seeing my oldest daughters face as they wheeled me out. That is also a sight I will never forget, my oldest babies face looking scared to death.
  My husband arrived at the hospital a couple hours after I got there, the dOctors told him and my sister that I would have been dead within an hour and a half. My husband kept asking my WHY? I couldn't tell him, I couldn't deal with the rejection and also cause him such pain. My sister INSISTED that I go to a psychiatric hospital, they would not release me unless I checked myself in. So I spent the next two days in a rehab unit with drunks, druggies and flat out CRAZY people!! I was scared to death. The dOctors told me that I was still testing pregnant, I really freaked then, but the next day they said my horMone count was dropping so they felt it was just leftovers from my terminated pregnancy.
  
  Since that time, I have shared with my husband my abortion story. He was at first not very sympathetic, but now seems to be more so. Our marriage is very rocky at times, I try to stuff a lot of my feelings, tell myself to get over it, but I long to hold my baby.
  In July I should have delivered my baby, that was a very hard time for me. Now it's coming to the year anniversary of my babies death. And I am not sure how to handle it.
  I do know if I had to do it over again, I would have my baby. But, I didn't and I have to learn to deal with the pain. I wonder if it's different for women who already have children. They know the feeling of the love felt for their children, the feeling you only feel when they put that baby in your arms for the first time and you look at its little face. I'll never get to look at my little girls face but I know she's in heaven.

  
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• My boyfriend and I had been dating for about two Months when i got pregnant. In a way I knew right away that I was pregnant, I just had a feeling. Then I started having terrible mood swings and a few weeks after those I got morning sickness for the first time. My boyfriend broke up with me on a Thursday (he said that he wanted to work on our friendship and then get back together) and the next day I took a test and found out I was pregnant. At first I just sat and freaked out and then I thought "this cant' be accurate" so I went and got another one at the store, two lines again. I cried for an houror so and then I called my ex to tell him the news. Pretty much all he said was "have an abortion because a kid will ruin my life". He didn't even call the following two weeks. I had always been prochoice but I could feel this life inside me and I thought of how cute his little cousins were, like littler versions of him and I wanted to keep my baby. But I'm only 18 and my family situation isn't the best. How could I raise a kid by myself? So on October 8, 1999 I had an abortion. In some ways I was lucky; there were no protesters outside, the clinic was nice and very clean, and all the nurses and women there were nice and we all talked. I had twilight sleep and within 30 seconds or so I must have passed out because I dont remember anything.But I'll never forget the way the nurse looked at the ultrasound, she looked at it just the way they did when my mom went in for my little sister's. That hurt and I couldn't bare to look at it Later the nurse woke me up afterwards I wasn't even bleeding so my sister took me to her house to recover for the weekend so my parents wouldn't know. It's almost a Month later and my heart is breaking. I know it was a girl, I just know it was. I want my little girl back. I want to sleep forever and never wake up. And my ex...he had a new girlfriend before I even had the abortion. I feel more alone then I even thought was possible.

• I went to a clinic in Little Rock to have my abortion and I feel that I received good treatment. The receptionist, nurses, and the dOctor were all very reassuring and kind. The procedure and the risks of it were honestly explained to me. I was given the choice between nitrous oxide and IV sedation and chose IV sedation. I was taken to a recovery room afterwards and the nurses paged my husband out of the waiting room when I woke up. I felt no pain during the whole time, but I did feel nauseated for about 30 minutes or so afterward.

  It has been 4 days since I had the abortion. I feel no physical or emotional pain. I think what helped me the most was the fact that I came to terms with the abortion ahead of time. Instead of thinking "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it", I faced my emotions before I had the procedure done. I know everyone is different and reacts to it differently, but doing this helped in my situation. The IV sedation helped, also. It was better for me emotionally to not remember any of the procedure.
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• Amy
  One year and three Months ago today I had an abortion. I have never believed in abortion and still to this day regret what I have done. I thought that it was the only way out. I was already under alot of stress and felt that I just couldn't deal with another pregnancy and child. I have two sons and at the time I found out that I was pregnant again, my youngest was only 1 and a half. My husband is a full time student and I have been our sole provider for three years. We are getting a late start in our careers-I am 31 and he is 30. Our first son was an "accident" and even though he was not planned I NEVER considered an abortion. I wasn't pressured into my decision to about my baby but it took me a week or two to finally decide that it was what should be done. My husband stated that he would be supportive of any decision that I made and went through the whole ordeal with me. Although I felt relieved after I made the appointment, the next week or two I was in a daze. All I could think about was the baby in my belly. As I said, I have had two other pregnancies and even though I was only about 6 weeks along my belly was "pooching" out already. I talked to it and kept my had on my belly almost constantly. I apologized to my sweet little baby so many times before I had the procedure done. When we walked into the clinic I just couldn't believe how many women there were there. There must have been 20 or 30 waiting for their turn. I was scared to death and almost didn't go through with it. The staff at the clinic I went to were very considerate and professional. I had an ultrasound(a pre-requirement) to see how far along I was. The nurse let me see my baby-which just looked like a little bubble. Over and over she kept asking if I was ok and kept repeating that at any time during the visit I could just stop and go home. I was not "grilled" about why I was doing it and when she asked if I needed to talk before the procedure she was very attentive to my feelings. She didn't rush me-just let me talk until I was ready to go on with it. I didn't have "gas"anesthetic-but I did take a sedative before the procedure. I was awake and felt everything that happened. I didn't feel that my insides were being "ripped out". The moment it was over I did feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and emptiness. I feel this every day and feel that I have no one to share my feelings with. When I talk to my husband about the guilt and remorse I feel he tries to change the subject. That was a long time ago-why am I still dwelling on it? I think about what I have done every day. I know I would never do it again-regardless of the circumstances. I have dreams about my baby often. I can only hope that there was no pain for it and that if it did have a soul that it will forgive me for what I have done to it.
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• Renee
  I just had my abortion done(October 16, 1999). I am 18 years old and first found out I was pregnant September 3rd. My last menstrual period was August 3, which is probably what I miss most about being pregnant, not having to deal with my period! I figure the time of conception was August 17th, because that was the day I had unprotected sex with my EX-boyfriend. Unfortunately it also makes it ironic because that day he had stayed over at my house and I later found out a secret that broke us up hours later. The morning after our night tog