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Stories from Women who've had abortions

Please remember as stated on the first page that these are the stories of many individual women, and are their personal views and feelings. Some have many different views, and different ideas about their experience. You may not agree with what they are feeling, or what they say. That's okay! The idea here is just to give women a chance to be heard about how they feel. If you've had an abortion, and need to talk about it right away, you can check out the I need to talk now! section
If you are interested in submitting your story, here's the link to Tell Your Story

Story Index

| Stories Page 1 | Stories Page 2 | Stories Page 3 | Stories Page 4 | Stories Page 5 | Stories Page 6 | Stories Page 7 | Stories Page 8 | Stories Page 9 | Stories Page 10 | Stories Page 11 | Stories Page 12 |

  • My boyfriend and i had been going out for 8 Months and we always talked about what WE would do if i ever became pregnant,

  • I am a MorMon and I have strong feelings about abortion.

  • Accident - had been using withdrawal method of birth control, and in the heat of the moment I told him not to, and he didn't.

  • I am 29 years old and married with no children yet. I had an abortion when I was 18 years old.

  • First I want to say I read this board a few days before my own abortion.

  • I've been married for 11 years and have a 2 1/2 year old and a 7 year old.

  • My circumstances are a bit different from most. I am 29, have been married for almost 4 years to a wonderful man I've known for 10 years

  • I had my abortion 4 Months ago- August 18, 1999. I was 19 years old

  • I was 21 and my boyfriend was 19. We were together for about one year.

  • I was 15 and he was 16 when we met. It didn't take long for us to fall in love...

  • I have been looking for a place like this. I am still in a loose relationship with the guy who I got pregnant by.

  • i was 18 and alone i wanted to be in a relationship everyone else was i was tired of endless one night stands(with the same man)

  • I was 19 years old and a sophomore in college when I became pregnant and chose to have an abortion.

  • I was 20 years old and had a decent relationship with my boyfriend of six Months. We broke up the end of April.

  • I read through all these stories in amazement. I met my EX-boyfriend in May of 1997.

  • My boyfriend and I were in a good place: we were just about to move in together, we really loved each other

  • I was a junior in college. I was in the midst of my first sexual relationship, I was 19 years old.

  • I love children. As a little girl I would sometimes pretend as if I were an expectant mom

  • I got pregnant December 31, 1998. What a way to bring in the New Year. I was in an unhappy marriage.

  • I am a 27 year old mother of one son, age 7. Just yesterday, I had my first abortion.

  • I had the abortion on January 15,1999. I was 22.

  • More Stories

  • My boyfriend and i had been going out for 8 Months and we always talked about what WE would do if i ever became pregnant, and there was no doubt that we both felt that it was a good idea to have and abortion. I am 19 and he is 23 and we were both working on our degrees with him about to graduate and me about to finish my second year. Throughout highschool and even college i was always sure that i was being safe sexually and that it wasn't possible to ever get pregnant, at least until i was married and financially stable. Then there was this night that i can remember so clearly as the night. He said oh no and i knew what had happened. He assured me that he was sure that nothing was wrong and that we would be ok. So i assumed that all was good. I wasn't feeling "pregnant" like people said you would so i assumed i wasn't. Soon after i went home for a vacation and had to go to the emergency room for abdominal pains. I thought it was just another urinary tract infection until the dOctor came in with this look on his face and told me that i was pregnant. I couldn't believe it and i was so scared. My mom was waiting for me and because she would kill me i couldn't tell her or anyone else. Not even my boyfriend because he was not at home. I did and didn't know what to do. I knew that i couldn't support a child and the if i did have it i couldn't give it away. I felt so selfish to think about me and not my baby but i know that having it would give that baby a really crappy life and i couldn't do that to my child. I finally went back to school and told some of my friends and my boyfriend. They all tried to support me but they didn't know what i was going through so it didn't help. I didn't know what to feel. i was so alone and scared. My boyfriend was no help. All i wanted from him was to understand what i was going through and help me to feel better about my decision and myself, but he just said do what you have to do. i couldn't believe that he was saying this to me while i was carrying OUR child. I told my best friend and she was the only person to support me. I made the appointment for the abortion and she took the day off of work to take me. I was still not exactly sure as to what i would do, and when i got there protesters were all around the outside of the building and i had to walk through them, knowing that they were fully against what i was about to do. I almost didn't go through with the whole thing but then realized that even though it wasn't the best decision it was the right one so i went in for the abortion. I would love to say that it was fun but it wasn't. I threw up all throughout the procedure and was sick the whole rest of the day. i had the worst pain i had ever felt for a week after, so bad that i couldn't even walk. But now that i look back and even though it hurts and will always hurt, i feel that this was the best decision and that if i had to go back and do it again i would. my boyfriend still wont talk about it and i think thats what hurts the most, that the one person that had a part in this didn't care.all i wanted in life was to have my first child with my one and only husband, but i guess that is not possible now, and for that i hate myself. nothing could change that.
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  • I am a MorMon and I have strong feelings about abortion. I was 18 when I went to work in Rhode Island for the summer. Being only 18 and living in Utah, going across the United States was an exciting step. I met Jake in Rhode Island. WE worked at the same resort. I was a virgin then and I had never smoked or even had a drink of alcohol. I guess I was looking at this as a way to get out and to learn about life. Jake and I had protected sex all summer, until it was time for me to go home. I didn't even know it I would ever see him again. I didn't even know if I wanted to. I loved him but I knew I wasn't going to marry him. WE said goodbye and I left. We kept in touch through the next couple of Months then I broke up with him. I told him that he was a bad influence on me and that I had to stop drinking and smoking. That was that...I never talked to him again. Until the next summer when I returned to work in Rhode Island. He wasn't working there but he would just show up to see me some random nights. WE never did anything. We just talked and hung out with our friends. He only came to see me three times. The third time he came I was drunk. I pulled me outside and started yelling at me. He said that I wasn't trying to be good like I had told him I was. He was upset that I wasn't setting a good example. He said that he was looking at my standards and way of life as an example for his messed up life. He looked up to me and my religious strength. Then he ran away crying. An hour later he came back to talk and say he was sorry for acting the way he did. Everyone had gone to bed. We were just sitting there talking as friends about nothing really then he started kissing me. I pushed him away because I had a boyfriend in Utah. Besides I didn't want anything like that from him. He was high, on acid, and very drunk. He kissed me again and pushed me on the couch. He would not get off me. I tried to push him off and when I finally did he just got stronger and made me feel guilty and got right back on. I just want to fuck you he said, over and over until he came. It was right after my period so I wasn't even thinking to do anything. I felt dirty, guilty, like it was my fault for setting a bad example. I know it wasn't, and I know he was in the wrong for raping me. I still didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. The next week came fast and then suddenly everything made me sick. The smell of the ocean, the smell of food, the smell of my room, the smell of air even made me vomit. I knew I was pregnant. Just like everyone else has said. It is like this surety that just comes to you. I could feel it. I knew deep down inside and I knew I was afraid. I didn't have anyone I could talk to, my mom would kill me. All my friends are judgmental. I can't go home pregnant. I can't have this baby I kept thinking. When I conceived he was drunk, high, and on acid. What kind of a life would this baby have. How could i let it come into this world not knowing who it's mother was and why it was so messed up mentally and probably physically. I ended up going home 7 weeks pregnant and I tried to hide my sickness from my mom but when she started asking if I was alright I knew for the baby's sake I had to have an abortion. I contemplated the decision for weeks. I couldn't justify it. Even when I was parked outside of the women's clinic I cried for 20 min before I went in. I cried the whole time. As I looked around at all the young girls with their parents and the girls who were there alone and the girls who were there with their boyfriends it made me so sad. My baby, I named her Catherine. I saw her heart in the ultra sound. Just 5 minutes before I killed her. October 7th at 4:05 pm. I remember laying down holding someone's hand who I didn't know and who was telling me I was a wonderful woman. I told her I was raped and she looked at me deeply. I remember looking at the ceiling, the clock, the ceiling, the clock, the ceiling, the clock just waiting for it to be over. I have never felt so deep down sick and cold inside as I did for those five minutes. I could hear pieces of my baby being sucked out of me. As soon as it was over I started crying quietly. The surgeon asked if something was wrong. I just looked at her like she was crazy. She probably deals with people who feel good about their decision. I did not feel good about my decision. I know I will have to face the consequences. I know Catherine is with God, and that I will never see her. I hope that she understands why I did this. I hope she knows that I did it for her and that I love her. I will never forget her beating heart.
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  • How did you come to be pregnant? Accident - had been using withdrawal method of birth control, and in the heat of the moment I told him not to, and he didn't. Who was the father? My boyfriend at the time, now my husband of 2.5 years. Did you consult him about the pregnancy? Yes! What was his reaction? Scared, upset, worried Had you previously discussed the possibility of pregnancy and the outcome? No How did you come to your decision? Pressure, fear of disappointing everyone (parents, friends, etc), the fact that there was a non-surgical procedure available was the clincher - if there hadn't been, I doubt I'd have done it...maybe. Did anyone influence you? Yes, he did. What were your feelings throughout the decision-making process? I was terrified, positively terrified, afraid, ashamed, disappointed, even suicidal. Did you ever want to keep your baby? YES, very much so. Did it go against your moral/religious beliefs? YES. How did you get to the clinic? Did someone take you? Did you go alone? He drove me, and went with me, and we begged for him to be in the room, they allowed it. What were you feeling on the way to the clinic? I don't remember - nauseated, probably, and terrified and sad and angry. What was the clinic like? Like any dOctor's office What sights, sounds, smells do you recall? Magazines, lots of teenagers, no sounds or smells. What was the attitude of the counselor? the nurse? the dOctor? Nice, I guess, I don't really remember. What was your emotional response to each of these? Stoic. Did you feel you were properly informed? Yes Did you feel rushed? Manipulated? Angry? Scared? Panicky? All of the above. At any time (in the clinic) did you feel like leaving without having the abortion? YES During the preparation and actual abortion procedure, how did you feel? Sick, disgusted with myself What sights, sounds, smells do you recall? None What did you feel physically? Emotionally? during the procedure? Physically, just the shot. Emotionally, I was a wreck. A week later, after inserting the pills, I had horrible cramps for 2 weeks and threw up most of the first day from the pain (heating pad and advil did not work like they do with regular menstrual cramps) What did you feel afterwards? Relief? Regret? Physical pain? Panic? Remorse? Relief, regret, no physical pain after I stopped bleeding (2 weeks later). Was there someone to take you home? Yes What was their attitude afterwards? Relief, fear, regret... What was your response to their attitude? The same Describe the following 24 hours. I don't remember, I think I slept a lot trying to escape from the reality of it all and the physical pain (bad uterine cramps - normal for this non-surgical procedure) I was in. Do you feel like people let you down? List who, and why. Just myself, for making the wrong decision. Talk about the things that brought you to realize you were suffering from the results of your abortion. I am constantly worried that when we decide it's "time" to have children, that we won't be able to conceive. I'm always wondering if it was a boy or a girl, and what s/he would have looked like.
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  • I am 29 years old and married with no children yet. I had an abortion when I was 18 years old. My story is much the same as some others I've read. I had been with my boyfriend for approximately two years and I had just graduated high school. My boyfriend and I spent a couple of weeks in Oregon and then Hawaii. Somewhere along the line I got pregnant. My reaction was like many of yours. I was scared initially but then completely excited. I told my boyfriend of course and he at first said that he would support me. As usual he later changed his mind and said that he wasn't ready to be a father. I told him that I didn't care and I truly did not care. I was willing to raise this baby on my own. My Mom ended up guessing that I was pregnant because I was sleeping all the time and when I admitted it she got very angry with me. I never really understood why because she was only 18 when she got pregnant with me. I think that she just wanted more for me. Her and my Father had given us a comfortable life and she wanted me to go to college. When my Dad found out he was very calm. He didn't really get angry or upset. He is old fashioned though and so he suggested two options. Either I have an abortion or Dan (my boyfriend) and I get married and raise this child together. He always felt that a child deserved to be raised by two parents. I didn't really agree because I already loved my baby so much but I did understand his reasoning. At this point I was still determined to have the baby with Dan or alone. Instead my parents gave me a dose of reality. They asked me how was I going to pay for a baby starting with the hospital bills and check-ups. Then they asked me how I would support it afterwards with food, clothing etc. I was only 18 and I worked at a restaurant part-time so this started to scare me. I didn't feel like I could support my child. So I decided to have an abortion. I made my appointment and I asked my boyfriend to stay with me the night before and to go to the clinic with me but he decided to go out drinking with friends instead. He called me the day I was to go to the clinic and asked if he could take me and I said no. I asked my Grandma to take me. She had been quietly supportive throughout this whole ordeal. She never gave me too much advice either way except to tell me that she loved me and would support whatever decision I made. My Mom was still not speaking to me so I did not ask her to go. When we got to the clinic my Dad did something for me that I will never forget. He was there waiting for me in his car. He said he didn't know if I wanted him there or not but that he wanted to be there in case I did. I started crying so hard because I was so scared and I was so glad that he was there. My boyfriend was also there waiting for me but I really didn't want anything to do with him. We went into the clinic and they had me talk to the counselor first. Then the time came to go to the ROOM. They made me lay on the table and I just started crying. The dOctor told the nurse to let me get down and that he would not perform the procedure because he was not sure that I really wanted to do this. They sent me to talk to the counselor again and I told her I was having a hard time because I really wanted my baby but I knew I could not take care of it. She told me to go home and think about it some more. I came out and went straight to my Dad and my Grandma and I told them that I didn't do it. At this point my boyfriend started bawling. He said he didn't want to be a father yet. I felt so angry at him. I never had asked for him to stay with me and I never asked for his help and I was the one who had to go through this, it was my body. I really got angry with him and I resented him. We went home and I did give it some more thought but I knew I would not be able to support a child. So I made the second appointment. This time my Mom was going to go with me and my Grandma again. My Grandma told me she was going to take me away for a few days afterward. This time I walked in like a zombie. I don't remember much about the clinic. I just remember being on the table again and the nurse telling me that she was putting me to sleep and that when I woke up it would be all over. I did wake up later and it was OVER. I remember feeling a complete sense of loss and guilt. I have to say at this point for all of you that had to be awake during the procedure or felt things I am so sorry for you. I don't know how I would have made it through and I admire your courage and strength. However I am thankful I did not have to go through the same thing because I don't know what I would have done. You are amazing women for what you went through. Needless to say since the abortion I have had a very difficult time. I tried to get pregnant again and I lived with guilt and shame for years. I still do. Which is why I'm thankful that I found this web site. My husband and I are newly married and we both want a baby now and have been trying for about 8 Months. But I can't seem to forgive myself and I feel like that will stop me from getting pregnant. So I started trying to help myself. I found this site and I check it almost daily. I 've also stared reading some books on post abortion stress syndrome. I've also made an appointment with a counselor. You see the dOctors have told me that I'm fine. Physically I can get pregnant. But can I mentally? I found a book that I thought was extremely helpful and I wanted to share something with all the women who might read this. Let me first say that I am not strongly religious as far as going to church, etc. But I do have a very strong faith and love for God. For many years I wanted to REPLACE the baby I gave up by getting pregnant again. But when I read this book it taught me something different. If you have and faith or belief in God and Jesus then I think(hope) this might help. It said to close your eyes. Relax and take yourself back to the day you had the abortion. Feel everything, remember everything. Now imagine through the darkness Jesus walks in. He can be wearing or look like anything you want him to. He's looking at you and you can see all of the love that he feels for you. He FORGIVES you and LOVES you. Feel his love. Now look closer at him and see that he is holding a baby. It's your baby. Maybe some of you had names for your baby and you knew what sex it was. Go ahead and name your child. See Jesus holding him and your baby smiling. Let your baby go to Jesus. You can ask him to take care of him or whatever you feel in your heart. Put your trust and love in Jesus to know that he WILL take care of your baby and love him/her always. This may be emotional for some of you. It was for me but it did make me feel better knowing that Jesus is truly taking care of my baby and what better person to take care of him. I don't mean to sound preachy to some of you and I hope that I did not offend anyone. It's just that weve all felt pain over losing our babies and if I, if we all can help each other then we will all be better for it. Good luck to all of you and to me. I think my time is coming and I WILL be blessed with another baby. GOD bless all of you and thank you for listening.
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  • First I want to say I read this board a few days before my own abortion. I am 29 and am a christian I accepted Christ at 21. I am well aware that abortion is wrong. I never knew how much until after. I have been seeing my on again off again ex for one year. This one night we had unprotected sex. I went to planned parenthood and took the morning after pill which made me sick for days. When I told my friend I was pregnant he was less than supportive. My surprise at planned parenthood is the misinformation that I was given. The nurse even asked did I want an extra box of the morning after pill since it was the holidays which was Thanksgiving at the time. A few days later I took a pregnancy test and it came up positive. I was in shock and at the same time wanting to keep my child. After speaking to my friend I decided to get an abortion and let's just say he didn't stop me and said IT WAS MY DECISION WHICH SAYS JUST GET RID OF IT!!! My insurance paid for it and he went with me. They strapped me down to the table and I woke up later. I was told that I would be awake but they found out that my insurance was good and they put me to sleep. WHAT A MARKET FOR MONEY!!! I was sore did not bleed much at all until the fourth day and I have not stopped bleeding. I have had to call my dOctor several times or shall I say her assistant because she is on vacation. I am on two medications. The bleeding was so bad I had to go to the emergency room. The day I had my abortion was on 12-20. I went to the er on 12-27 it's now 12-28. Every time I go to the bathroom it is a constant reminder of my baby. I have to get an ultrasound because they think that the abortion was not complete. By the way I am a twin and my friends mother is a twin. I have bleeding, am passing clots, and hear my child screaming in the middle of the night. I grieve for my baby each day and I was told that my child went to the pathology department. So now I have to imagine my child under a microscope, and part of my baby still in me. Through all this I can say that the Lord loves me. I didn't love my child enough to fight for him. I rally believe that the Lord lead me to this site a few days before and I cried reading the stories and yet I still disobeyed God for only selfish reasons. That how could I go to church and my job after ministering to people about my JESUS. So I write this with pain and tears with anger and heartbreak to my son JOSHUA. Only six weeks old I LOVE YOU JOSHUA!!!!!!!!!!
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  • I've been married for 11 years and have a 2 1/2 year old and a 7 year old. I got pregnant last new year's eve. We were currently using condoms but didn't have any in the house. I told my husband it was the wrong time - but that didn't seem to matter. Well sure enough I was pregnant. I took the test when my period was 3 days late - I already new what the answer was. That morning I told my husband - and boy I wasn't ready for his reaction. He had the look of hature on his face. He said boy this is what I need now. We leave in a small place and are trying to buy a bigger house. The rest of the day was quiet - the next morning before he went to work he said we have to talk about this shit tonight. When I got home he said I'm happy with our two boys and don't need another one. We're almost out of the diaper stage why do you want to go through it again. He said isn't there a pill you can take to get rid of it. I was speechless - he ripped my heart out and I didn't know what to say. He said I don't want the baby. He said call the dOctor and find out what to do. I was like a robot my feelings didn't matter. I was numb all over. Do I force to keep the baby and put us in a financial mess. My husband was too worried about the Money. Well I called and was recommended by my dOctor to go see a dOctor who did it on the side. My husband came with me and I thought for sure that when he saw the ultra sound he would forget it. It didn't' even bother him. They scheduled the appointment and told us to drop off the Money. Well I was about 10 1/2 weeks and had to go away for work the day before I left I dropped the Money off and it ripped my heart out. I went away and had scheduled the day for the abortion the Tuesday when I got back. I called him when I was away and it killed me to talk to him all I could think about was the baby. I actually hoped that I died on the plane so the baby wouldn't be alone. I felt so isolated and alone and afraid. When I got back I went to work that Monday and had gotten laid off from a job after 18 years. That did it for my husband-the next day was the procedure. That morning he said are we doing the right thing I said no I want the baby he said what will we do you don't have a job we need a bigger place. I said it will work out - he had hature on his face and starting moaning that we are too old. We both turned 40 this year. That our lives are ruined. Well I said then let's do it. I took the pills and he drove me down. I thought for sure he was coming into the room. When I walked down the hall I thought he would yell out my name but he never did. I thought he would knock on the door and say stop it. But he never came. The procedure was terrible. I'll never forget it. Then I was subjected to going to the hospital for a rh negative shot. My husband went to put his hand on me and I said don't you ever touch me again. Everyone kept asking me in the hospital why I was there - I said I lost my baby - I couldn't say the truth.

    Well I stayed out from work for about 7 Months and spent the summer with my two kids. I've been to therapy and on antidepressants but still feel alot of grief. My baby's due date was my husband's mother's birthday and that still didn't matter. I can't seem to forgive him or myself. I'll never have another baby and it's killing me. I feel so sad for the baby.

    I have my ups and downs sometimes it seems that our relationship is okay and then something will happen like a friend getting pregnant and there I go into a slump again. I am happy for my two children but I'll never forgive myself I always wonder what the baby would have been like. I can't believe that my husband is so selfish.
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  • I had my abortion 4 Months ago- August 18, 1999. I was 19 years old, I am 20 now. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I feared I might be pregnant from the very moment I conceived, and I found out for sure on July 3. I took the test at my best friend's house, and when it showed up positive, I didn't even flinch. Somehow I'd already known it, but I still was not letting it affect me. But the image of those two red lines stayed in my mind and finally began to sink in as I told the father that same night. I've never heard anyone say "Oh my god!" so many times. The father lived 1500 miles away to make matters worse. The next Month and a half that followed felt 5 times as long. I can remember so clearly and easily everything I felt and went through since the moment I found out, up to and including the end of it. For the first time in my life I really truly did not know what to do. The father and I would talk for hours about our options, round and round in circles. We talked so much without even coming close to a decision, even now it feels surreal and weird that we don't have to discuss it anymore. Both of us really wanted a family, just not so young and not in our long distance situation. We would come to the logical decision to have it aborted, but then we would both cry at the thought of actually doing it. We couldn't stop thinking about how beautiful it would be, and how smart and precious. I'm still not sure if we ever actually came to a decision. I felt in my heart that I really wanted to keep it no matter how impossible it seemed. If I had had his support or even the support of family and friends, I truly think I would have. Its those thoughts that made what I did so hard. I felt pressured to make a decision and do something before it got too late to decide. And so I did it, in hopes that it would be the choice that could make my life go back to normal, which was all I really wanted. That was a foolish wish. I do take full responsibility for my actions and mistake, and I even surprise myself by not blaming the father and everyone else who pressured me into it. I guess I just feel that ultimately it was me who went through with it. I do feel very lucky that the guy was so sensitive and cared so much about my feelings, in fact I am still with him and love him more than ever for being there for me and giving me support when I need it most. But I am not the same and I don't think I ever will be. I still have flashbacks of burning, twisting pain inside me, I still cry myself to sleep some nights, and I'm still finding it so hard to fight back the tears when I see a baby. Sometimes I do just fine, and sometimes I feel like ripping my hair out and screaming at the top of my lungs how sorry I am for being so cowardly. But what's done is done, and the consequences are mine, I chose them. To my beautiful child somewhere out there, a part of you lives on with me forever. To anyone reading this, thank you for reading my story and I hope it makes you remember that you are not alone.
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  • My circumstances are a bit different from most. I am 29, have been married for almost 4 years to a wonderful man I've known for 10 years This site has been a great find for me, as most of the information you find on abortion is either about the procedure or a lot of judgmental rantings from religious fanatics. It really helps to read about the experiences of other women and it helps me in dealing with a lot of the emotions I have been experiencing lately. My circumstances are a bit different from most. I am 29, have been married for almost 4 years to a wonderful man I've known for 10 years, and have always wanted children with him...when the time was right. We have recently moved to London and I have found the transition to be extremely difficult. Our combined salaries are much lower than they used to be and the cost of living is higher, so we've had some adjusting to do as far as Money goes. I haven't had much luck in finding a good job over of those things I wanted to accomplish for myself. We live in quite a small apartment and are frustrated with so many aspects of our lives. I always envisioned being settled and having Money in the bank, etc when we decided to have a baby. I was miserable in my new surroundings, hated my job, and was feeling generally depressed and negative about everything. This was the worst possible time for me to find out I was pregnant. My immediate reaction was shock, then absolute terror. On the surface, it all looks fine...married, good relationship, both working. But we hardly had any Money, were paying off old debts, were unsettled and could I bring a child into this scenario? My husband and I experienced so many different emotions during the time we were trying to make a decision. It was difficult in so many ways...especially during the times where we were both feeling a bit more positive and thinking we could make it work. But reality set in more for me than for him...I just couldn't handle being pregnant at a time when I was experiencing so much other upheaval in my life. I was sick all the time and couldn't function. I also have to admit, although I regret it being part of my decision at the time, but I was so depressed by the reaction I thought people would have. I was never going to do well for myself like my other friends and family...I was just going to end up living my life for this child and never getting a chance to try and make my life materially good and settled. I know it sounds selfish and horrible, but I almost resented being pregnant because it was going to change me and my life beyond recognition and I just didn't feel ready for it, despite being "the right age". A lot of women have abortions when they are in their teen and their early twenties, and although it doesn't negate their feelings, it has to be easier to justify to yourself when you're younger. When you're in school or still dependent on your parents, it's got to be a much more straightforward decision. When the whole world around you would approve, but you yourself are finding the prospects of parenthood terrifying...well, let's just say I'm feeling enormously guilty that I've lost my chance due to being selfish and immature and too concerned about it being "the wrong time". I don't berate myself daily, nor do I torture myself with guilt or fears of having "ended" a potential person. I think my guilt and regret stems from the fact that I DO want to have children with my husband and I'm scared my decision was not one of serious practicality (even though I know that afording a baby at this time, childcare, not working would have been beyond difficult), but more about my fears about what way my life would become. I think it's important for women to realize that you make this decision because you think you are doing the right thing at the time. I hope my feelings of sadness subside with time and that, when the time IS right, my husband and I can try again. Whatever our reasons were, at least we have found a forum to seek comfort and understanding. Thank you all for sharing your has helped me a great deal.
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  • I was 21 and my boyfriend was 19. We were together for about one year. In February 1999, I found out I was pregnant. AT first my boyfriend was dealing with it in a sensible way. But then one morning, he woke me up and told me it wasn't possible for me to have this child. HE was too young, HIS parents would be disappointed. EVERYTHING WAS ABOUT HIM!!!! NO one else knew about it yet. I was afraid to talk to anyone until i knew for sure what I was going to do. MY family and friends are 200% against abortion. I Wanted this baby. IT HURT ME SOOOOOO bad when he told he did not want it. I wanted to be a family. I was not in a clear state of mind through this whole ordeal. I am a full time student, and was working 30 hours a week. I felt like a zombie. I couldn't make decisions about anything. HE took advantage of my unstable mind. He told me it would be better for me not to tell anyone. I listened, and have kept it hidden ever since. He left me 2 weeks after the abortion, telling me HE couldn't handle it!!!! I was the one who went through the procedure not HIM!!! My life fell to pieces. I could not function anymore. I am still not over it yet. I came to this sight looking for HELP!! I realize how much I need it, and that it is o.k. to talk to people! Please feel free to e mail me if u need to talk. I don't mind listening, because if one keeps it bottled up like I did, it makes it WORSE!!! TRUST ME!!
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  • I was 15 and he was 16 when we met. It didn't take long for us to fall in love...we were young but though we were so grown up. We had sex 4 Months after we began dating and it became an important part of our relationship. We were together for 1 year and a half before we broke up the first time. Things weren't working out for one reason or another, so we decided to date other people. I was upset about the breakup even though I initiated it so I decided to date one of his closest friends. For about four Months we did not talk to each other, but then on my 17th birthday he called me, and as our conversation went on we confessed our undying love and need to be with one another. There was alot of drama involved as I broke up with his friend in order to get back with him. I think the intensity and drama of the situation fueled our passions, and we were less than careful when we got back together. It wasn't long before I discovered that I was pregnant. I was completely crazed when I found out. This was not supposed to happen. I was one of those girls in high school that everyone considers "smart" and "good" and "innocent". I always earned good grades, was involved in alot of activities, had alot of friends, and a great boyfriend. I had no idea how I would break the news to my boyfriend was scared but thought that we could make it work. Sure it would be hard, but with alot of hard work we could make it through. I wasn't convinced. I had so many dreams, and so many people expected so much of me. The way I saw it, a baby would be totally impractical, and it also seemed unfair that I would be the one who would have to shoulder the majority of the sacrifice. It had always been my dream to go to college, earn my degree and then my masters. My boyfriend was interested in a career in the military. Let's face it, the women have to deal with the responsibility of first carrying the child and then being the primary nurturer in the early years. The whole thing felt suffocating. On the other hand I was in love with this guy, and despite myself I began to think beyond the terms of "fetus" and "tissue", but more in terms of "baby" and "child". Even now I have images of my child, and I've kept careful track of the birthdays. In February my daughter would have been 7. At the time body was changing so much, I longed for someone to share it with. My friends all seemed to be caught up in superficial things in comparison to what I was going through, and my boyfriend seemed to be living in a fantasy world. He didn't understand how I couldn't be totally ecstatic about what was going on. I have never felt so alone. And then my mother confronted me. I guess she had known I was pregnant for a little while, and was trying to figure out what to do. She let me spill out all the things I was feeling and at the end of our discussion she "suggested" an abortion. In a way I felt relieved like someone else was handling things, but mostly I felt disappointed because I had wanted her to come up with something better. I don't know what, but something else. Well I had the abortion and the crazy thing about it is I don't remember the date. I remember the date of the first time I was kissed, had sex, wore a particular outfit, but for some reason I have blocked that out, even the Month. I just know it was during the summer of 93. I didn't even tell my boyfriend that I was getting the abortion until it was over, and he cried and cried when he found out. We ended up breaking up a few Months later, but we stayed friends. It hurt too much to be together I guess. We did get back together about six Months later, but things weren't exactly the same. We still loved each other, but there was alot of pain and betrayal. I blamed him in a way for what happened and he was upset with me for killing our child. When I went away to college, he cheated on me and the girl became pregnant. He told me he still loved me and that he wanted to be together, but there was no way I could handle that. She had decided to do what I wouldn't do--bring his child into the world. For a long time we didn't wasn't until the past couple of Months that we found each other again. He's in the military and moved out of state. We talked and he told me he still loves me, always have, and always will. I believe him because I feel the same way, but we have lost so much. He's married to the girl he cheated on me with and they have two children now. I don't want to live a life of regret, but I wonder how things would have been different if I would have kept my baby.
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  • I have been looking for a place like this. I am still in a loose relationship with the guy who I got pregnant by. I had my abortion on June 5, 1999. That date is etched in my brain for the rest of forever. He was always just, "a friend of a friend" but that changed on January 1st, 1999. We thought we would be able to date but not have any serious commitment. About 4 Months later we went on a camping trip and one thing led to another. I didn't get my next period when I had expected it. This was sort of odd because I am always like clock-work. I was (still am) finishing my second degree and at the time was right in the middle of finals so I thought that maybe I was under stress. However, my breasts hurt so bad that it was hard for me to sleep some nights. I didn't want to admit it to myself. Finally, I told him that I was a little concerned and that we should probably test. He went with me to buy the test, we went back to his place and within about 10 seconds of doing the test it showed positive. I told him I did not believe it so he offered to run out and buy a second test. When he came back I did that test and the same thing happened. I thought, "How can this be happening to me?!! I am a 27 year old women who is working on her second college degree. I have always been careful. I am a good person. This was NEVER supposed to happen to me!" He and I talked about it for awhile that day. I was really scared. I really do want to be a mother. I lost my mother (who I adore and she will always be my hero) very suddenly when I was 12. I want to have a child that I can be there for and love. I want to give the child all the things my mother couldn't give to me because she died. That aside, he did not want to marry me, I did not want to marry him. We both felt that to get married, at that point, would have been a mistake. He agreed that we should probably look into abortion. That scared me a lot too. In the days following that he and I talked a lot. He has some strong religious convictions (which I really feel, only surface when it is convenient for him) which I don't. He eventually came to me telling me that he did not think I was thinking about all my options. This made me really angry. He decided that I should have the baby and put it up for adoption. Now maybe this is selfish but I'm sure some of you can understand, I want a child. I could not see going through nine Months of pregnancy only to give away something that precious. He didn't want to be involved if I did decide to have the child (he told me this on multiple occasions). I could not/can not financially raise a child on my own. Not to mention the fact that I didn't want to, I think that a child should really have two stable parents (I realize that this isn't always possible but this is what I would want for my child). His telling me that he didn't think I was thinking about all my options also made me angry because I was sick from morning to night. Believe me, I could not do anything except think about my options and about the baby inside of me that I really wanted to keep. He still continued to give me a hard time about what was to happen. I know that he was probably doing the best he could given that fact that he was sort of having a religious conflict of interest. It still hurt me though. When the day finally came, my dad and my stepmother came with me (I was so glad they did). It was terrible and I never want to go through it again but the women at the clinic (Planned Parenthood) were wonderful to me. My dad took me back to my "boyfriend's" house and there I stayed for the weekend. I was sad because I felt that I had really lost something that I had always dreamt of having. My baby was gone. He was never that affected by it and wanted to pretend as though nothing really happened. He has not wanted to and still does not talk about it unless I bring it up. Right now it is sort of on the fore front of my mind because I would be 8 Months pregnant and every where I look I see children wrapped up in the holiday festivities. I do wonder what my baby would have been like. I feel somewhat guilty because I feel like maybe I gave up to easy. I know in my heart this isn't true, I know I made the right decision considering where I am in my life. I'm still sad though.
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  • i was 18 and alone i wanted to be in a relationship everyone else was i was tired of endless one night stands(with the same man)i wanted something more. i called a phone line in July of 1998 and met my husband. he took me out on a date we slept together that same night. we contained to see each other we me and him developed in to us and we were dating about 1 1/2 Months we weren't using any protection. i was in a nursing assistant training program and i was very tried and sick all the time and i hadn't my pd since the beginning of Sept and it was now the middle of Oct. i new i was pg.when we talked about before abortion was out we were gonna raise it but everytime my pd came we forgot what we said he called me from school on sat night and i told him i new i was he said your gonna get an abortion i said no he said Im coming home this coming weekend and I'll find a number for you. well how he found it i dont know but i called on Mon they put in for an abortion that sat but if i decided that i wasn't gonna do it i could leave. so i went and i got a test and it was positive and i also got an ultra sound in which i saw . i was 6 weeks maybe more i couldn't believe it when i told him that i was 6 weeks he almost fainted i wante dto hear so badly from lets go home but he didn't so when thy called my name a counselor i snuck a peek at my pics and date of delivery that was dumb move it hauntes me i got it done, when i left i ran out and ran to the parking lot and got on to the train with him there he was crying and i was in shock we ate at burger king he made he said i would feel better.his parents thought we went to the mall.i was in so much pain and that was just the beginning we are now married and deal with it everyday and someday soon where gonn have kids but i will never forget Jakob Donald.
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  • I was 19 years old and a sophomore in college when I became pregnant and chose to have an abortion. My boyfriend (the father, age 22 at the time) and I had been together for 3 years and had a pretty good relationship. I had been on the pill since I was 15, but after having heavy breakthrough bleeding in the middle of a pack, thought I was having my period and stopped taking the pill. I waited until the following sunday and did start a new pack of pills but all along thought I might be pregnant (what I had thought was my period only lasted 2 days). A few weeks later, while still taking the pill I just became aware that I was pregnant. For a few weeks I had wondered, but on a wednesday night it just became something I knew like my own name- I was pregnant, I could just feel it. The following day I went to the student health center for a test and was seriously aggravated when they wouldn't give me one, they said I wasn't late and that they'd have to test me in the morning anyways. After persuading them, I got them to agree to test me the following morning. So now it's friday morning and I'm supposed to be in class but I'm at the health center instead. I don't even remember giving a specimen, I just remember the nurse walking into the room and saying, "it's positive". She gave me a few papers with some phone numbers and sent me out the door. I was supposed to go to work that day but there was no way I could, so I took the first bus to my boyfriends instead. He was still asleep when I got there, so I got into bed with him and started crying. He asked me what was wrong and I couldn't say it. I remember he wasn't facing me, and he kept making guesses about what had happened like, had I failed a test or did somebody get in an accident. I finally just asked him to please face me and he did. With me still crying he asked if my grandmother had died, and still unable to say the words "I'm pregnant", the best I could get out was, "it's kind of the opposite of that". (Little did I know then that I would later come to perceive it as a death). Then he said the words for me, "You're pregnant" then, "Oh boy". Next came "what are you going to do". Not what are we going to do, but what was I going to do. I gave him the answer he wanted to hear. I said, "The only thing I can do, have an abortion". For the next couple Months I never even thought of what I wanted. In the week and a half between the test and the abortion I was literally like a robot on a mission. I made the necessary phone calls and appointments and resigned myself to the fact that this was what I had to do. I thought about my boyfriend who clearly didn't want a baby, my mother and family who I would disappoint, his mother who I would make mad, the potential baby who would be poor, and society who I would burden if I were to have this child. I didn't let myself rub my stomach or even think about the pregnancy other than that it had to end. The day of the abortion we got up very early and made the 2 and a half hour drive to the hospital. I was in a total daze, if we had conversation on the way I don't remember any of it. What I do remember from that day is laying on the table with a man sucking my baby out of me while I screamed "Stop, get it out!" ("it" being the machine not the baby) He told me he couldn't stop now, it was too late and there was excruciating pain. I really don't know if I blacked out or just blocked everything else out because the next thing I remember was walking into the waiting room and saying to my boyfriend "let's go". They had given me valium, although I didn't realize it at the time, and I remember nothing from the drive home. The next couple Months I didn't think about any of it. I couldn't let myself. Then there were triggers like friends of ours having a baby that brought me to tears. Shortly after what would have been my due date (June 17) I started having dreams. My deams were wonderful. Dreams of a happy, healthy baby that I loved with my whole being. When I was pregnant for some reason I assumed it was a girl, but in my dreams I had a beautiful baby boy. I would tickle him and he would laugh and look at me with adoring eyes, the picture of health in OshKosh overalls (I actually saw the OshKosh label, he's a photo that will always be in my mind). I would wake up and feel an incredible void. Two years after the abortion I went to counseling. I realized that if I was ever going to have children, something I've always wanted very much to do, I needed to become more at peace with what I had done. In counseling I described my dreams in detail. I had never told anyone about them and letting it out led me to cry like I have never cried before or since. I finally grieved for the life that I had killed and let myself love that which no longer existed. That counseling session was my first step in coming to terms with the abortion. I probably won't ever fully come to terms with it, but I have at least allowed myself to grieve and accept my feelings. Of course I will always wonder if I did the right thing. It would have been difficult financially, but I would love that child with all my heart and that's what is most important. I know I will always feel a loss and think about what that child would be like now. I have good days and bad days, some days I'm able to tell myself I did what was in the best interests of the baby, and some days I hate myself for not allowing it to live. The different thoughts and emotions I've felt are far too many to share here, but in the end I know I can't go back and change anything. It's now a little over 3 years since the abortion and my boyfriend and I are still together. Our relationship has grown stronger, but sometimes I fell immense anger towards him both for letting me terminate the pregnancy and for being so unaffected. One positive thing that has come from this dreadful experience (believe me it took me a long time to admit there was a positive) is that I now realize it doesn't matter what other people think. What's most important is that I allow myself to have and listen to my own feelings and make decisions that are best for me. That lesson was learned by sacrificing an innocent life, and is a lesson I will live by. I owe at least that to the child that never would be.
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  • I was 20 years old and had a decent relationship with my boyfriend of six Months. We broke up the end of April. We slept together one last time a week later. (I had just had my period by the way.) I didn't think anything had become of us sleeping together. We did it ALL the time. I loved with all my heart and couldn't believe that I had given him up. He thought drugs and alcohol were more important. He was 22 and you know how guys are then. Well, about a Month later I met a guy from work and well, we had a one night stand. Not even worth my time. After sleeping with him I was so upset at myself. Well, come to find out he was married and that made me feel even worse. I was the lowest of lows. I hadn't had my period yet but didn't think anything of it. It was always late when I was stressed out. Well, I started eating more but thought I was stressed so I needed to eat. I am not a big girl at all and one of the girls at work noticed I was eating almost every minute of the day. I did sick one night when I went out and drank but thought I was hung over. I was sick for four days straight and that's when I thought I better take the test. Well, I took it on a Sunday night. My best friend (who had also tried so hard to break us up) and I were supposed to go out dancing. How happy do you think I was that night. I never told her because even though she had already had two abortions she would be so judgmental of me being pregnant. Well, the next day I went to the Planned Parenthood around the corner from my work and sure enough blue right away. I was seven weeks pregnant. I wanted so bad. It always was a dream of mine to be a mom. It had been exactly seven weeks since my last period and the last time I had slept with my ex. But there was always the possibility it could have been the other guy's baby. You know they aren't exactly to the tee with the time. But I had all the symptoms I would have had at seven weeks. Well, I called my ex from work and told him what had happened. He blew up. How am I gonna raise a baby? He kept asking me if I had slept with someone else and I denied it. I knew in my heart it was his. I wanted it to be his so bad. We fought for an hour and a half and he finally got mad enough he hung up on me. Well, I didn't go straight home. I went to a friend's house but when I got home he had called five times. He came over and we discussed things. He told me he knew he wouldn't be a good father. I knew he wouldn't be either and with me not having a good relationship with my dad I didn't want that for my child either. And what if I had it and it was the other guy's? He had just called me and told me he was moving away. His wife was PREGNANT!!! Well, I knew if I tried hard enough I could raise that child. But there was always the question what if? What if it wasn't my ex's? He called me every day for the next week to see if I had decided. Of course not. This was a life inside me and I couldn't jump to a decision. But any longer and the abortion was gonna be hard on me. I decided to go ahead and made an appointment for June 26, 1998. He did go with me but of all the signs God was giving me that day I never took them. You had to show ID when you went in the clinic. He had lost his. When they got there they argued with me. They had let kids 8 and 10 years old in there but they wouldn't let him. He offered to come back and pick me up but I needed him there for me. I argued with them but they finally let him in. They counseled me but I never had an ultrasound done. Never offered or would have never done it. I knew it was so wrong. I knew it was totally unlike me to do this. When it was time and that vacuum came on the tears came rolling. The nurse said I was too young to have a baby. Not me. I was so mature for my age. They gave me laughing gas but that didn't make to forget at all. For one split second (this is kinda gross) I wanted to see that baby in the jar. I wanted to see what I had made and killed!!! Yeah, they put us in the chairs, gave us the medicine and the heating pads. I was so sick from it but I wanted to leave right then. I needed to hug me and tell me it was gonna be alright. I ran to him when I got downstairs and hugged him. No response which hurt even more. We left that day and he drove back to his house. We talked about it. He was curious. He asked what happened and what they did. For one time he cared. When we got to his house he offered to let me come in and lay down. The next thing I knew some girl pulled up to his house and got out and tried to come after me. I had just had an abortion and now this. I drove all the way home myself and balled and said how much I hated him. I wanted to kill him so bad. I never cried so bad in my life. I cried the whole weekend. He had just met a girl when I told him I was pregnant so he had moved on I thought. Every few Months he'd call and want to get back together. And when I'd go to his house he'd always try to sleep with me. We still talk now a year and a half later. He wants to get back together again but he stills believes it wasn't his. I did finally tell him the truth but he still doesn't believe me. He loves me still but that is still holding back from wanting me completely. Maybe some day we'll be together again. But for now I wait for him to want to love me for me.
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  • I read through all these stories in amazement. I met my EX-boyfriend in May of 1997. I was working full time, had a roomie, trying to get back into college, kicked out of my parents house, the list could go on. I saw him at a friends house and he completely ignored me. I couldn't believe it. No one ignores me. I am too tall, too loud, too everything. I was determined to date him. I was told to stay away and that he would just hurt me, but I was 20 years old and thought I was invincible. I was wrong. He finally noticed me. I was at my friends house and we were watching movies. I fell asleep. When I woke up in the morning we were the only two there. He asked if I would have sex with him. I wanted him to love me so badly that I said ok. It was terrible!!! I hated it!!! All I could think of was that this wasn't worth it!! He then told me that he had been a virgin. I was very upset... life went on and our relationship was a very psycho one. Lots of lies, broken promises, etc. I held on thinking that I saw the Real Him. I knew who He really was. I was wrong... We broke up on a Saturday in June. I had been thinking I was pregnant. Monday I went to Wal-Mart and took the test at work in the bathroom stall. I wrapped up the test and put it in my purse. I went to my friends house (He was staying there) and told my friend. My friend was shocked and said I had to tell Him and that it was His right. I waited for Him to come home. We didn't talk. Then my friend announced that He had to talk to me and that we needed privacy. He went upstairs and I followed. We were in His room and I didn't know what to say or do so I just handed Him the Test. He asked what it was. I told Him. We didn't say anything. We did a lot of crying. It was decided 10 hours later that abortion was the only answer. I went to the library and read all of the SIRS then I checked out 20 books on all aspects of abortion. I was determined to be an informed choice maker. He called and the appointment was made for August 21, 5 days after my birthday, I would be 21 years old. He was very attentive from then on. He bought me things, spent a lot of time with me, told me he loved me, everything I wanted to hear!! We drove 2 hours to the clinic. The security guard said not to worry and that he would protect me. All I could think was who is going to protect my baby? There were many of us. They told me they might not be able to do it as my baby was 1/2 in one of my tubes. They tried anyway. I was knocked out. I woke up to women crying and screaming. They were screaming for their children, crying that they wanted their babies. I left. I couldn't eat. I just wanted to sleep. I hurt very badly. I slept all the way home. He left me there and went out with his friends. Sunday (aug 22 the next day) we went to my friends house everyone was there. His friends told him to "lose me" I was a bitch and he deserved better. He took me home and left me there. He left me the following Tuesday saying He needed time. I was still not bleeding. Wednesday I started to bleed and cramp. I had tissues and clots coming out of me the size of golf balls a few twice that size. I didn't stop bleeding. Thursday night I called my best friend (who didn't know) and asked her to come over. She did. She wanted to take me to the hospital, I could barely move. I said no. She spent the night with me. I insisted on going to work Friday (had to pay rent). She called all over but no dOctors would see me. Friday she and her husband picked me up from work and took me to the hospital. I had fainted and had dizzy spells and was bleeding a river. I was there over 7 hours. There I was informed that my child had not been aborted but was still alive but the procedure had to be done again because my child wasn't all there. They proceeded. I have the paper labeled as a spontaneous abortion (= to a miscarriage). I made my best friend take me to His apartment. He was in the middle of a party and was 1/2 drunk. He knew I was in the ER and never called and didn't go with me. He told me it wasn't his problem and went back into the party. I went home to die. I couldn't move. I hurt. I had lost so much blood that there was mention of a transfusion. I refused. My life was a mess. I kept insisting that I hadn't done anything wrong. I had dreams of my son (Christopher William) talking to me but I couldn't reach him. Nothing worked. Not my taste buds, not my tears, not my brain nothing. I was a shell. My best friend then got me the number for AAA Women's Services and I went there. I kept insisting that I had done nothing wrong. I then did counseling and did a 13 week program (PACE). That is what made me functional again.

    Please keep in mind that I am not an idiot. I scored 99% on the English section of my ACT. My over all score was 27 and that was before the tests scores were changed to make Americans look smarter. I have scored 138 on verbal IQ tests and 142 on written. I am not a person to be swept away by new things or ideas. But I was a mess, literally a shell of a person. I have been through sexual abuse, my sister being molested, divorce, mental and emotional abuse, you name it and I am quite sure I have had to live through it. But this was too much for even me!! I no longer cared to live or die. Counseling and PACE are the only things that got me through. I did a course on forgiveness called Forgiven and Set Free. All about forgiving myself and letting that guilt go. POWERFUL!!!

    I now have a plaque on the wall of the National Memorial to the Unborn. There are currently 850 plaques. I just got back yesterday from visiting. I haven't been there for 1.5 years. I cried. Everyday I beg God to give me my child back. I can't have that, but I have the physical remembrance of Christopher William there in Chattanooga, TN. Please look him up if you ever visit there. Christopher is on the far right hand side approximately 1.5 feet from the wall. He is about eye level. Tell him his mommy misses him and loves him.
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  • Name: elly
    My boyfriend and I were in a good place: we were just about to move in together, we really loved each other (and continue to, we�re still together), and a lot of exciting new things were about to happen in both our lives. Unfortunately, my getting pregnant wasn�t one of them. My brief pregnancy (Aug-Oct 3, 1997) and the subsequent abortion spawned feelings in me that were completely unexpected, and made no sense to me at that point. Writing this now, two years and two Months after the fact, I�ve gained some insight about those feelings from the site (thank you so much jilly for this site!) and from my own personal growth and I�m finally ready to dive in, so to speak. The decision to have an abortion was a nondecision, really. I had no choice, financially or emotionally. I had enough trouble keeping up my end of the rent let alone even considering the financial burden of a baby, and I still had a lot of ups and downs, emotionally. In regard to the latter, knew I still hadn�t found a stable place for myself. I made an appointment in the only place that does abortions in my region, about 25 miles away. The actual abortion procedure made me feel nothing; I was concentrating on feeling nothing at all, and particularly on not crying. After it was over, the nurses helped me up off the table, and my facade cracked and I suddenly started sobbing. I couldn�t stop, and I didn�t know why I was crying. I continued crying for a good 15-20 minutes. Finally, I pulled it together and got up to leave. My b/f met me in the waiting room, and I went home with him. On the way home, he wanted to stop in town to pick up some stuff from the drugstore. I asked if we could wait, or if I could wait in the car, but he insisted and said it was only a short walk (the drugstore is in the center of town, a block or two from the parking lot) I wanted only to go home, put on my favorite nightgown and curl up and try and go to sleep. I felt sore and violated (to top it off, it was my very first experience with a gynecologist) and extremely fragile emotionally. I remember on the way to the drugstore, I couldn�t keep up with my boyfriend, because it was painful to take long strides. At that point, I experienced the first small clue that my otherwise very wonderful friend and lover was not going to understand how much I felt affected by what I had been through. That really hurt a lot. Over the following Months, I had what I called �pull�, that strong, intense feeling that for me was unnamed until I went out to a coffee shop to see a band play. In this particular coffee shop, the owners have created a beautiful little shrine to their child who died shortly after birth. We ended up sitting right in front of the damn thing, and I finally realized that I was grieving for something I had lost. I commented to my b/f that the shrine was incredibly sad, but I knew at that point he didn�t want to talk about how I was feeling. He had many times already expressed wonder at why I was still �living in the past� and insisted that �thinking about it will only make it worse�. After I identified my grief, I started to try and look at more of my feelings, and it has been easier, for the most part. I found this site last Month after a perspective-altering bout of pms (one week of hell, yet I was able to �see� farther because of, and through, my misery) made me realize I needed to face my feelings about my abortion. Writing this wasn�t really fun or easy, and I keep a lot of tissues next to my computer, but I still would encourage other women to write their stories, for the feeling of release, if nothing else.
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  • Name: Karyn
    I was a junior in college. I was in the midst of my first sexual relationship, I was 19 years old. I found out I was pregnant on a Tuesday, in my bathroom. I was all alone. I immediately went to my friends job, and asked her to come with me to a clinic, so I could get a more accurate test. I knew though, I guess I just wanted to know fore SURE. When the woman at the clinic confirmed it, I almost died. I had taken the bus there, and the entire way home I cried. When I walked through the front door of my apartment, I fell to the floor. I fainted. I fainted in the middle of the floor. When I came to, I got up and went to my room. I slept for 13 hours. I told my boyfriend immediately. I told him that I was in no position to have a child, and that I had made up my mind. He was 100% supportive. The next barrier was telling my mother. I kept it for a week. I finally blurted it out during a conversation, and she was relatively and surprisingly calm. She didn't even know I was having sex. I was almost three Months pregnant on the day of my abortion. I had it done at a hospital. My ob-gyn performed it, and that put me at ease. I was so scared. They sedated me. I can remember the surgical tools laying on the small table to my right. I can remember my feet being placed in stirrups. I can remember the bright lights, and the weird vanilla smell that wafted through the air. I said goodbye as I felt the medication float me into another realm. Afterwards, I was a wreck. I went back to school, and that might I had a friend pick me up and take me to my boyfriends house. I slept with him holding me. We cried ourselves to sleep. We named her, I really felt like it was a her. So we named her that night. We prayed for God to take care of her. We prayed for God to take care of Karis-a combination of our names. He came back to school to stay with me for a while, and never left. He held me each night, and soon I could feel the sadness lift. I still get sad sometimes. He and I are no longer together, and when I think of him, I think of her. I miss them both. I would love to see my little angelin heaven one day, and I guess in time I will. The pain of abortion is lifelong. The pain of giving up a part of you is continuous. The pain does lessen though. The pain moves to the background out of the forefront. The pain never goes away though. It's essentially like losing your first real love, she was my first true love.
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  • Name: Tess
    I love children. As a little girl I would sometimes pretend as if I were an expectant mom with my tooth-fairy pillow stuffed under my shirt to make a pudgy belly. Then me and my pudgy little belly would push my Raggedy Ann and Cabbage Patch "babies" around in my doll stroller. Now as a twenty-six year old, I still do love children and feel that their well-being is the most important thing in life. I am a college student about to graduate with a double degree in Special education and Regular Elementary education. I am very good at what I do, and most of all, I enjoy it. There is nothing I would like better to do in this phase of my life. I am an O.K-looking blonde who has increasingly over the past year become more intent on looking more and more perfect. I work with kindergartners in the afternoons and I am good at that, mainly because I adore the children so much. In all aspects, it must be hard for anyone to see how I really feel inside. I found this web site about two hours ago, and this has been one (mark that, one) of my hardest and darkest days. When I ran out of tears, I decided to put into words my story and (omigod!) share it.

    On October 3, 1998, I had an abortion. The father was someone whom I ever so mistakenly thought was the love of my life. By the time I realized that he was the psycho of my life, he was living with me (except for the two weeks he spent in jail on drug charges), I was scared to breathe the wrong way around him, and the icing on the cake from hell- I was pregnant. Ours was a fast and furious "romance". If my calculations are correct, I was pregnant about the second or third week we were together. Not so smart, huh? I learned the hard way that "love" cannot change a man. What they are is what they are. After he got out of jail, he was increasingly agitated, angry, and threatening. I have a dear friend who basically saved my life, and when I confided in her what was going on, she told me not to tell him. She was afraid that once he new he would become more violent and controlling and try to do something, even like taking the baby after it was born, or who knows what. In other words, I know that if I had brought my poor baby into a hell with him he would in some way hurt it. And guess what, my friend was exactly right. I wanted so badly for the situation to become better that I told him, in the hopes that it would change him and he would be loving and caring and gentle. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! Things got worse. He was not loving; he never wanted to feel my tummy or take care of me when I was sick. He became meaner and made threats because he felt cornered in his life (boo hoo, you shouldn't have f---ed it up, you selfish bastard!). My day-to-day life consisted only of going to work and making sure that I kept him calm. I would even give him Money so he would go out drinking with his other loser friends so I could breathe for awhile. When he was really bad he said he "was going to kill himself and everything around him" (I was there in bed beside him). I even took to keeping a hunting knife I found in his backpack under my side of the bed. Then one night when he was out drinking, I was especially sick and physically and emotionally drained. I laid down in bed at about 8:00 and locked the door to my room. My roommate, who hated me because I had this freeloading plague living with me,Came home with some of her drunk buddies, one of them being an ex-boyfriend of mine. My roommate nor her pals knew I was pregnant, or the stuck situation I was in (I was afraid to leave him or ask him to go). Anyway, they proceeded to beat on my door and threaten me. I was too sick and tired to even be scared anymore. I just laid there and waited for them to get bored with bothering me. I could hear them in the kitchen doing God-knows-what to my food, laughing and shouting. I just did not care. When my psycho boyfriend came back, he picked a fight with the guy I used to date and all hell broke loose. When I knew they were about to kill each other, I tried to stop my boyfriend, so he pushed me. I went sailing through the air and landed across the room and hit the side of the sofa (I had a big bruise that looked like Africa on my lower back for a long time). Then the two of them fought like nothing I have ever seen for what seemed to me like for ever, and it is so foggy and horrible in my mind that I'm not sure how long it really was. All the time people are souting at me to do something and I was in absolute hysterical crying. I could not even think. All I remember saying is "stop", "Make them stop". By the end, the psycho had bitten a chunk out of the other guy's side, they were both bloody and bruised, and my roommate (thankfully) called the police. Then the psycho is in my face shouting at me to drive him somewhere or he will have to go back to jail (good, I thought). I think the others realized what he was capable of and my ex was trying to get him away from me. The next thing I knew, the psycho took off on foot, I stumbled back to my room in some weird trance, and then the police were there. They were very nice to me, especially one that was about my age. He talked with me and was not judgmental. I asked him the thing I wanted to know the most: I wanted to know if my boyfriend could make good on his threats to make me have the baby and then take it from me like he promised he would. And the police officer said no. I was still scared, I was still worried that he could come and get me, but now I had the bittersweet knowledge that I could save my baby from ever having to be exposed to the likes of him. This is why I had the abortion. The police told me to pack a bag and go to a safe place. I went to my dear friend's house. I wound up living there for a year. She saved my life. I know these stories should be about our feelings concerning our abortions, but as of now, these factors have everything to do with my feelings about my abortion. I'm angry, sad, I long for my baby sometimes (alot, really), I don't know how I will feel day to day. But I've learned to fight it, only sometimes, I get so tired. I'm too tired to talk about the botched relationship and second abortion I had, five Months later. I'm definitely too tired to talk about my actual experiences at the clinic and all of the feelings that I'm not even sure that I have words for. I guess I'll share that another time.
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  • Name: kel
    I got pregnant December 31, 1998. What a way to bring in the New Year. I was in an unhappy marriage. The father of my baby was my boss at work, who was also married and his wife was very, very sick. We started out as friends, but then it turned to something more. I rode to work with him one day and we stopped at a motel on the way home. I protested that I didn;t want to, but I went anyhow. The first time we had sex was when I got pregnant. To make matters worse, it was my first pregnancy and I was 30. When I took the pregnancy test, my knees literally buckled and I fell in the floor. I thought "OH MY GOD" I have ruined my life, my husbands life, my family and anyone who I loved. The first person I ran to was my mom. She wanted me to keep it, though she never told me, but I could see it in her eyes.She told me it was my choice and that she would stand behind me. When I told the father, at first he said the tests weren't that accurate, but after much convincing that they were, he told me it was my choice. God, I wanted someone to tell me that I was making a choice that needed alot of thought. No one did. You see I was a pro-lifer. I had always said there was no excuse for an abortion, that it was murder. Now here I was making a choice between my beliefs and my feelings. The father took me to the clinic and paid for the abortion. There were a lot of women there and I kept wondering if what I was doing was the right choice. When I went to pay for it, I seen the ultrasound and got very sick at my stomach. The "procedure" in itself was very painful. Everything I had read said the pain would be like menstrual cramps. WRONG!! Afterwards, I had a feeling of relief, remorse, and so on. It has been has been nine Months since my abortion and I'm not dealing with it very well. I think now I made the wrong choice. I'm still involved with the father and we are both still married to other people. We don't have a very good relationship, although I love him. But I feel the reason I hold on to it is so my abortion wasn't in vain. I'm just glad now that I had a choice, but I will never make that same one again. I realize that because I was scared of what everyone would think of me if I got pregnant by another man was not worth the pain and loss that I feel of losing my unborn child.
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  • Name: holli
    First thank you Jilly, for the opportunity to tell my story. I am a 27 year old mother of one son, age 7. Just yesterday, I had my first abortion. My first pregnancy came at a time when I was very young and my sons father and I had no intention of marrying...or even dating for that matter! But from the moment I found out I was pregnant with him I never once thought of abortion. I knew I was to young, had very little support from the father or my family..but I knew we'd be ok. And we were. I married another man just a few years ago and tried very hard to get pregnant. We went through infertility treatments etc..and nothing ever happened. We divorced back in January and in April I started dating another man. I admit I was a pretty reckless with birth control since we (me and x)never conceived. I was diagnosed with endometriosis and told by my dOctor that there was only a slim chance of me ever getting pregnant. But Lo and Behold, early in September I found out I was pregnant when my period didn't show. I was SHOCKED. Initially, I had every intention of having another child. I had the full support of the dad to be who offered me everything. Then reality started setting in. My son was 7,was i ready to start over again...I was just getting out of a bad marriage and jumping right into motherhood with a new man. I debated for nearly 3 Months. I knew in my mind that I was getting in way over my head and I didn't truly know the man who I was ready to start this new life with. We had a terrible argument (about something unrelated) and I called the clinic the next day. I went alone and was greeted by the protesters in the alley behind the clinic. I knew they would be there but nothing really prepares you for hearing another woman yell "please don't kill your baby." I fumbled around to the front of the building and I was a real mess when I entered the registration office. I remember the one woman saying "the dOctor wont perform your surgery if he sees that your crying!" What the hell is that...I think something's wrong if your there and not showing any emotion. I was surprised about how many other women were there. And yes some of them were crying too, while other snapped their gum and listened to their walkmans. I wonder if everyone else was as horrified as me each time they called my name to a different part of the building, one step closer to the final destination. I do have to say that all of the women there were very kind and comforting. The most disturbing and memorable event of the whole "procedure" (as they like to call it) was when the dOctor stopped suctioning (but i could still hear the machine running) and he walked over to the sink in the corner and started rooting around in something. I asked "are we done?" and he said "i don't know yet, i have to make sure i have everything out". I closed my eyes and imagined what was laying over there in that sink. Next thing I knew we were done. At first a sense of least I was still alive. I really worried about dying. In the place on the registration sheet that states "person to contact in case of emergency" I wrote in big letters "JUST THROW ME IN THE RIVER!" I meant it. I've lied to everyone I know...said I had a miscarriage. I'm not sure what's worse at this point..having to keep up the lying or dealing with what I've done. It's really only been a day and a half since the "procedure." Right now I'm going back and forth, I'm relieved very briefly then its total remorse and depression. I can only hope as time goes on things will stabilize. Like the protestor screamed "may god have mercy on your soul, lady" pretty much sums it up. I'm going to sleep with my son tonight and maybe the next and the next.....
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  • Angelskyler:
    I will start my story off by saying I had the abortion on January 15,1999. I was 22. I got pregnant about a year ago this Month. It was unreal to me because I only been with this guy a few Months and i never thought it would happen to me but it did. I knew i was late for my period but sometimes it did that but i thought by a certain date if i didn't get it i was going to get a pregnancy test so i did. I went to a CVS that nooone knows me at and picked up the test. I took the test and all i could do when it said positive was cry. I called a friend of mine and she came over and cried with me and righ then and there she thought i should have an abortion. i wasn't sure and i didn't want anyone making that decision for me. So, she wanted to make sure and she went to get another test. it had the same results. I then proceeded to call the so called father. At that time we were becoming very distant and when i told him i thought he would automatically say get an abortion but he didn't. he was surpassed but this almost broke us up. but it didn't. he wasn't there for me though. I knew we both should pay half but my friend say no he should pay for it all just because its my body and such. I didn't agree but i should of listened to her but I'll get to that later. Anyway, I proceeded to tell a very close friend of mine and he was great. I thought at that point i was going to keep the child. I was very scared and very confused and very alone. I then told another friend who i trusted that i was going to keep the baby. she was there for me but she wanted me to talk to someone that had an abortion and really think about what this all meant. I then talk to this person in person and she put alot of things in my head. Like do u want a kid, are u ready to be with this guy and have that connection with him for the rest of your life, is he the right one to have a kid with, would he really be there for me. little things i would of never thought about it. so i did and i kind of changed my mind but the big decision was not made until later. I was very alone and my biggest fear was telling my parents. they couldn't deal with this. i was scared of telling them and i wrote a letter just to ge it off my mind with no intention of giving them to them. I wrote it on the computer but i never thought anyone would see it. i was wrong. my brother was typing one night and saw it and he confronted me and i think that was the best thing in the world that could of happened. He was great he said i should go down to a clinic and talk to a counselor about my choices and stuff. i agreed and i knew this was for the best. i went to the clinic and this was a few days befor x-mas. my guy friend came with me and was there for me the whole day. he was great. I was suppose to have it the first week in january but i couldn't for some reason so my brother asked if i could hold out i said yes. even though the morning sickness was getting worse. it was hard to hide this from my family but i did. the day of the procedure my brothers fianc�ee(sister in law now) drove me down to the clinic because it wasn't around where i lived it was down where she lived. She was great. i talked her ear off the whole way down there. it was the longest day of my life though. i signed in and i did a pregnancy test then some other test. then we were taken into this room with some other woman and were told what would happen and such. then we were sent back out to the waiting room. the waiting was the worse. we then were called in by threes into the back room and told to take everything off from the waist down and put a robe on top. I wasn't nervous until that moment i was siting in there with the three other woman. my stomach was going nuts. i wanted to run away and never come back but i didn't. they called me back and they said the would first be doing an ultrasound. and the dOctor said something i will never forget that i had twins. and the nurse asked if this changes anything and if i was married. i was in shock and just staring at the ceiling. i didn't know what to do. so i thought about but i guess not long enough and i proceeded to say i couldn't handle two so the gave be the valium and the dOctor started. i started screaming and they told me to calm down that i was almost over. then it was over. i couldn't believe it. they then took me to the room to recover and gave us our medicine and i cried and then my sister in law came and we went out to dinner. i called the father and told him and he was surprised. oh he never paid. not a dime. he is very irresponsible. not evena real man because he avoided me for a long time not to give me the Money but now i just am glad he is out of my life. my brother paid for it and i am grateful for his support and everything. In a way it was big decision that had to be made and there are alot of stuff i did since then i wouldn't of been able to do if i had kept them. but everyday i think of the lives that were in me and pray that they forgive me and understand that i wasn't ready for them to be in my life and i know they are with God and he is taking care of them.
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  • Name: Krissi

    My abortion was 6 weeks ago. I got pregnant for a man I met on the internet. No, I am not a child, I am 30 years old. He told me he loved me... said all the right things. I moved 800 miles to be with him. He sent me for an abortion and then dumped me.... Here is my story:

    My Private Hell / The Metal Rake

    I can visualize the prongs of an instrument rake across the insides of my
    body - like hearing nails n a chalkboard, I cringe.

    Although a support team of 3 is in the room, I feel utterly alone. With my
    body strapped down, I cannot move. I look around the plain - wall room, I see
    tools and devices. I finally hear the dOctor come into the room. I cannot see
    him through the tears in my eyes. I plead that I am changing my mind, please
    do not go through with it. I try to kick the person at my feet, to no avail.
    I cannot move.

    My insides feel as though they are being ripped apart, torn open. The drug
    administered is failing. I see, hear, and feel everything. I remember every
    horrid second.

    I yell that I am going to throw up, but Tracy, the nurse, warns me that
    nausea is a normal feeling at this point. She tries to divert my attention to
    the "cajun culture." This is no means normal. I expel everything that is
    inside of me.

    I hear Tracy yell.. "She's in shock!" as the other nurse scurries for towels
    and blankets. I hear instruments drop. The dOctor is telling them to put wet
    towels on my head, but I am freezing. I feel as though I am wrapped like a
    mummy. My head, my throat is layered in wet towels.

    I strain to hear the dOctor say that the procedure has to be repeated.
    Something is wrong.

    "NO!" I scream at the top of my lungs. While crying uncontrollably, I twist
    and turn and try to kick. Tracy is crying as well. The dOctor asks her to
    leave and I beg him to let her stay. He abides.

    *CLICK* There goes the vacuum. A procedure that takes 5 minutes is taking
    17.. and taking it's time going by at that. I am in my own private hell.

    I am shouting a name that is not there. Tracy begs the dOctor to go and get
    him out of the waiting room to help calm me down. They just do not
    understand... I am alone. No one is there.

    Once again I feel the metal rake inside of me. I am still in shock, covered
    in blankets and wet towels. I swear I hear a baby cry. One last scream and
    it is over. Tears are draining from my eyes like water from a faucet.

    The room falls silent except for teardrops that feel like raindrops. Tracy
    apologizes and the dOctor asks her to leave the room and "take care of
    herself." I can tell she wants to stay in here with me. She, herself, is
    still crying.

    My throat is sore from the screams of horror. The dOctor asks the rest of the
    nurses to leave. For the first time. I see him. He is a tall, black man,
    around 45-- 50 years old. I "eye" the blood stained lab coat. When he sees
    this, he removes it.

    Because I am the last patient, he pulls up a chair and sits besides me. I do
    not know what to expect. He takes off his gloves and holds my hand. I am
    trembling, half in shock.. half in fear.

    He tells me that I will be in recovery for a while. He explains that they had
    to perform the procedure twice. He tells me a reason, but I am not really
    listening. Tracy peeks in and says "No waiting.. No answer." I knew what that
    meant. He gently reminds me that I should not drive and no one is here to get
    me yet. I tell him that my ride will be here. I ask to use the phone and he
    says no. For me to lie down, Tracy has taken care of it. I laugh as he asks
    me if I know Tracy personally.I have only been in this town for a week. I
    have never met Tracy.

    I am exhausted, in pain, bleeding. He reads me like a book and is so full of
    compassion. Despite all, I was well, very well, taken care of. I had calmed
    down, but he said I was feverish, when I get home to sleep all day, not to
    push it too much.

    I didn't fall apart until his last statement. Before leaving the room, while
    holding my hand, he stood up and stated that he had been doing this for 20
    years. He looks down at me and changes my life forever as he says...
    "I know you did not want this abortion"

    I go ballistic....

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  • Amy:
    I remember the day I found out like it was yesterday. I was late but I didn't really think I could be pregnant, not me. M y best friend kept telling me to take a test just to make sure, better safe than sorry. So, I took the test never thinking it would come up positive. AllI did that day was cry, I had no idea what to do. I am twenty two years old living in apartment and barely making it. What was Igoing to do? My boyfriend at the time was not working was not really doing much of anything but partying and going to class when he felt like it. I didn't want to tell him because he was leaving soon, he was transferring to another school for football. I didn't want to tell him and ruin the last couple weeks we had together. Besides, I really didn't know how he would react. Well, after alot of soul searching I finally told him. He told me he would support me in whatever decision I made. That lasted for about a day. Next, he wanted me to end the pregnancy because he wasn't going to be around, but by that time my mind was made up, I was going to have this baby. So, next step was to tell the family, I knew they wouldn't be happy but I never thought I'd get the reaction I did. The baby's father was black and I am white and my parents were not going to have me"disgrace" the family like that. They totally pushing an abortion on me. They had plenty of reasons which were all legit and the I spoke to them and him the more I became convinced that this was the best thing to do. So, I made the appointment and as that day got closer I kept telling myself that this was the right thing, but I never listened to my heart. That's where I made my mistake. I should have listened to MY heart. Now, two Months later I still cry everyday. I've never felt so alone and empty before. I don't have any one to talk to because my family thinks I should be over it but I don't think I'll ever be. I thought I made the right decision, but what I did was make the worst decision of my life and there is nothing I can do to take it back or make it better. I live with the guilt, the hurt, theheart ache everyday and I do it alone. The father and I don't speak any more and I don't think we ever will again. We haven't even spoken since the abortion, and I think that makes things a little bit harder because I really needed him, this was his child too and he just walked away the only time I ever really needed him. I don't know, I'm glad I found this page because it has really helped me see that I am not as alone as I thought I was.
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  • I am a MorMon and I have strong feelings about abortion. I was 18 when I went to work in Rhode Island for the summer. Being only 18 and living in Utah, going across the United States was an exciting step. I met Jake in Rhode Island. WE worked at the same resort. I was a virgin then and I had never smoked or even had a drink of alcohol. I guess I was looking at this as a way to get out and to learn about life. Jake and I had protected sex all summer, until it was time for me to go home. I didn't even know it I would ever see him again. I didn't even know if I wanted to. I loved him but I knew I wasn't going to marry him. WE said goodbye and I left. We kept in touch through the next couple of Months then I broke up with him. I told him that he was a bad influence on me and that I had to stop drinking and smoking. That was that...I never talked to him again. Until the next summer when I returned to work in Rhode Island. He wasn't working there but he would just show up to see me some random nights. WE never did anything. We just talked and hung out with our friends. He only came to see me three times. The third time he came I was drunk. I pulled me outside and started yelling at me. He said that I wasn't trying to be good like I had told him I was. He was upset that I wasn't setting a good example. He said that he was looking at my standards and way of life as an example for his messed up life. He looked up to me and my religious strength. Then he ran away crying. An hour later he came back to talk and say he was sorry for acting the way he did. Everyone had gone to bed. We were just sitting there talking as friends about nothing really then he started kissing me. I pushed him away because I had a boyfriend in Utah. Besides I didn't want anything like that from him. He was high, on acid, and very drunk. He kissed me again and pushed me on the couch. He would not get off me. I tried to push him off and when I finally did he just got stronger and made me feel guilty and got right back on. I just want to fuck you he said, over and over until he came. It was right after my period so I wasn't even thinking to do anything. I felt dirty, guilty, like it was my fault for setting a bad example. I know it wasn't, and I know he was in the wrong for raping me. I still didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. The next week came fast and then suddenly everything made me sick. The smell of the ocean, the smell of food, the smell of my room, the smell of air even made me vomit. I knew I was pregnant. Just like everyone else has said. It is like this surety that just comes to you. I could feel it. I knew deep down inside and I knew I was afraid. I didn't have anyone I could talk to, my mom would kill me. All my friends are judgmental. I can't go home pregnant. I can't have this baby I kept thinking. When I conceived he was drunk, high, and on acid. What kind of a life would this baby have. How could i let it come into this world not knowing who it's mother was and why it was so messed up mentally and probably physically. I ended up going home 7 weeks pregnant and I tried to hide my sickness from my mom but when she started asking if I was alright I knew for the baby's sake I had to have an abortion. I contemplated the decision for weeks. I couldn't justify it. Even when I was parked outside of the women's clinic I cried for 20 min before I went in. I cried the whole time. As I looked around at all the young girls with their parents and the girls who were there alone and the girls who were there with their boyfriends it made me so sad. My baby, I named her Catherine. I saw her heart in the ultra sound. Just 5 minutes before I killed her. October 7th at 4:05 pm. I remember laying down holding someone's hand who I didn't know and who was telling me I was a wonderful woman. I told her I was raped and she looked at me deeply. I remember looking at the ceiling, the clock, the ceiling, the clock, the ceiling, the clock just waiting for it to be over. I have never felt so deep down sick and cold inside as I did for those five minutes. I could hear pieces of my baby being sucked out of me. As soon as it was over I started crying quietly. The surgeon asked if something was wrong. I just looked at her like she was crazy. She probably deals with people who feel good about their decision. I did not feel good about my decision. I know I will have to face the consequences. I know Catherine is with God, and that I will never see her. I hope that she understands why I did this. I hope she knows that I did it for her and that I love her. I will never forget her beating heart.
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  • Name: Nanc
    I had an abortion November 24, 1998. My story is different than any that I have read on here.

    I have been married for 20 years this November 17. My husband was transferred with his company to a town 100 miles from Phoenix where we lived. Our daughters were in high school and I didn't want to move them at that time of their lives. SO...he moved to the small town and I stayed in Phoenix. I was 36 years old at the time, and going thru a time in my life that I wondered who I was. We were married very young, and had three children right away. I was thinking there has to be more out there than "just" being a wife and mom. Well, I had a lot of free time and started living my teen years, 18 years late. I had an affair and became pregnant. I didn't know how to tell my kids and husband. I had been a housewife for all these years and didn't think I could do it on my own. I shared my pregnancy with my best friend, she tried to talk me into keeping the baby but I didn't see a way. So that day I called Planned Parenthood and set up an abortion, it was for a week and a half later.

    During that week and a half I lived thru pure hell. I would lay in bed and rub my stomach and cry for my baby. But I didn't see a way out other than abortion. I had never been a big drinker, but I decided the only way I could deal with this was to stay drunk for the next week.

    I was a nervous wreck when I walked into the clinic, I had no idea what to expect. There were about 10 other women in my "group". It was the most awful thing I have ever been thru. I felt like we were cattle going thru a cattle drive. We were called back one at time to have blood work done, then it was to the room with the recliners to see an abortion film, then we were called one at a time into the ultrasound room, I asked to see the ultrasound, I don't know if that was a good thing or not, I still can close my eyes and see it. After the ultrasound it was back to the waiting room to wait for the actual "procedure", it took just a short time, I still can hear the sound of the vacuum. Then to the recovery room, where we all sat back in the same recliners that we sat in to see the film. At that time I felt numb, I just wanted out of there, to get back in my own home.

    I went home, took my pain killers and went to bed. My girls came home from school and I told them I had a very bad kidney infection. This was all two days before Thanksgiving.
    My husband came home the next day for Thanksgiving along with my mother. He couldn't figure out why I hadn't shopped for Thanksgiving, that was so unlike me. The night before Thanksgiving we were rushing around looking for a turkey, and I was dying inside.
    I will never forget those days. I got thru it and thought the worse was over. Then the Christmas season was on us.

    I felt so much pain, stress and anxiety that I couldn't deal with it anymore. I went out one afternoon and started drinking, the more I drank the worse I felt. I came home that night and decided that I killed my baby, my own flesh and blood, and if I could kill my child I also didn't deserve to live. I took a lot of drugs on top of the drinking. I don't think I really wanted to die, I just didn't want to feel the hurt anymore. I could feel myself fading, I called my sister and asked her if God would forgive me, she could tell that something was very wrong. I told her that I had killed my baby and that I didn't deserve to live. She called 9-1-1 and headed to my house. I don't remember a lot after that. I do remember the fire department there and seeing my oldest daughters face as they wheeled me out. That is also a sight I will never forget, my oldest babies face looking scared to death.
    My husband arrived at the hospital a couple hours after I got there, the dOctors told him and my sister that I would have been dead within an hour and a half. My husband kept asking my WHY? I couldn't tell him, I couldn't deal with the rejection and also cause him such pain. My sister INSISTED that I go to a psychiatric hospital, they would not release me unless I checked myself in. So I spent the next two days in a rehab unit with drunks, druggies and flat out CRAZY people!! I was scared to death. The dOctors told me that I was still testing pregnant, I really freaked then, but the next day they said my horMone count was dropping so they felt it was just leftovers from my terminated pregnancy.

    Since that time, I have shared with my husband my abortion story. He was at first not very sympathetic, but now seems to be more so. Our marriage is very rocky at times, I try to stuff a lot of my feelings, tell myself to get over it, but I long to hold my baby.
    In July I should have delivered my baby, that was a very hard time for me. Now it's coming to the year anniversary of my babies death. And I am not sure how to handle it.
    I do know if I had to do it over again, I would have my baby. But, I didn't and I have to learn to deal with the pain. I wonder if it's different for women who already have children. They know the feeling of the love felt for their children, the feeling you only feel when they put that baby in your arms for the first time and you look at its little face. I'll never get to look at my little girls face but I know she's in heaven.

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  • My boyfriend and I had been dating for about two Months when i got pregnant. In a way I knew right away that I was pregnant, I just had a feeling. Then I started having terrible mood swings and a few weeks after those I got morning sickness for the first time. My boyfriend broke up with me on a Thursday (he said that he wanted to work on our friendship and then get back together) and the next day I took a test and found out I was pregnant. At first I just sat and freaked out and then I thought "this cant' be accurate" so I went and got another one at the store, two lines again. I cried for an houror so and then I called my ex to tell him the news. Pretty much all he said was "have an abortion because a kid will ruin my life". He didn't even call the following two weeks. I had always been prochoice but I could feel this life inside me and I thought of how cute his little cousins were, like littler versions of him and I wanted to keep my baby. But I'm only 18 and my family situation isn't the best. How could I raise a kid by myself? So on October 8, 1999 I had an abortion. In some ways I was lucky; there were no protesters outside, the clinic was nice and very clean, and all the nurses and women there were nice and we all talked. I had twilight sleep and within 30 seconds or so I must have passed out because I dont remember anything.But I'll never forget the way the nurse looked at the ultrasound, she looked at it just the way they did when my mom went in for my little sister's. That hurt and I couldn't bare to look at it Later the nurse woke me up afterwards I wasn't even bleeding so my sister took me to her house to recover for the weekend so my parents wouldn't know. It's almost a Month later and my heart is breaking. I know it was a girl, I just know it was. I want my little girl back. I want to sleep forever and never wake up. And my ex...he had a new girlfriend before I even had the abortion. I feel more alone then I even thought was possible.

  • I went to a clinic in Little Rock to have my abortion and I feel that I received good treatment. The receptionist, nurses, and the dOctor were all very reassuring and kind. The procedure and the risks of it were honestly explained to me. I was given the choice between nitrous oxide and IV sedation and chose IV sedation. I was taken to a recovery room afterwards and the nurses paged my husband out of the waiting room when I woke up. I felt no pain during the whole time, but I did feel nauseated for about 30 minutes or so afterward.

    It has been 4 days since I had the abortion. I feel no physical or emotional pain. I think what helped me the most was the fact that I came to terms with the abortion ahead of time. Instead of thinking "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it", I faced my emotions before I had the procedure done. I know everyone is different and reacts to it differently, but doing this helped in my situation. The IV sedation helped, also. It was better for me emotionally to not remember any of the procedure.
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  • Amy
    One year and three Months ago today I had an abortion. I have never believed in abortion and still to this day regret what I have done. I thought that it was the only way out. I was already under alot of stress and felt that I just couldn't deal with another pregnancy and child. I have two sons and at the time I found out that I was pregnant again, my youngest was only 1 and a half. My husband is a full time student and I have been our sole provider for three years. We are getting a late start in our careers-I am 31 and he is 30. Our first son was an "accident" and even though he was not planned I NEVER considered an abortion. I wasn't pressured into my decision to about my baby but it took me a week or two to finally decide that it was what should be done. My husband stated that he would be supportive of any decision that I made and went through the whole ordeal with me. Although I felt relieved after I made the appointment, the next week or two I was in a daze. All I could think about was the baby in my belly. As I said, I have had two other pregnancies and even though I was only about 6 weeks along my belly was "pooching" out already. I talked to it and kept my had on my belly almost constantly. I apologized to my sweet little baby so many times before I had the procedure done. When we walked into the clinic I just couldn't believe how many women there were there. There must have been 20 or 30 waiting for their turn. I was scared to death and almost didn't go through with it. The staff at the clinic I went to were very considerate and professional. I had an ultrasound(a pre-requirement) to see how far along I was. The nurse let me see my baby-which just looked like a little bubble. Over and over she kept asking if I was ok and kept repeating that at any time during the visit I could just stop and go home. I was not "grilled" about why I was doing it and when she asked if I needed to talk before the procedure she was very attentive to my feelings. She didn't rush me-just let me talk until I was ready to go on with it. I didn't have "gas"anesthetic-but I did take a sedative before the procedure. I was awake and felt everything that happened. I didn't feel that my insides were being "ripped out". The moment it was over I did feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and emptiness. I feel this every day and feel that I have no one to share my feelings with. When I talk to my husband about the guilt and remorse I feel he tries to change the subject. That was a long time ago-why am I still dwelling on it? I think about what I have done every day. I know I would never do it again-regardless of the circumstances. I have dreams about my baby often. I can only hope that there was no pain for it and that if it did have a soul that it will forgive me for what I have done to it.
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  • Renee
    I just had my abortion done(October 16, 1999). I am 18 years old and first found out I was pregnant September 3rd. My last menstrual period was August 3, which is probably what I miss most about being pregnant, not having to deal with my period! I figure the time of conception was August 17th, because that was the day I had unprotected sex with my EX-boyfriend. Unfortunately it also makes it ironic because that day he had stayed over at my house and I later found out a secret that broke us up hours later. The morning after our night together he had to go to work in NYC, about an hour and a half from where I live. Unfortunately(or maybe fortunately now that I think about it) he does not drive and missed all the trains to NYC from where I live. He decided to email his dad to get the number for his work, since he did not have it memorized. After emailing his dad he deleted all of the email in his inbox and shrank the window waiting for a reply. He then set out to find a cab to take him to the next nearest train station and after 3 attempts, someone finally answered with a reasonable offer. $20, 18 miles, limo service. Can't be that right? We said, "Goodbye" to one another and he promised to call during his lunch break. After he left I went back to the computer and noticed that his email account was still open and decided to snoop. Which, I know is wrong, but I was lucky I did. When he deleted all of his email he forgot one simple thing, to empty out the trash box and there is where I found the email----from his pregnant fianc�ee! I know that does not deal with my abortion story, but it is a huge part of why I got an abortion. Other reasons involved, having no support, loss of appetite(I was unable to eat much for 2 Months and was losing weight!), resentment that it was his baby, and the list could go on and on. Now when I was younger, I used to have a totally different view on abortion. I used think that the only justifiable time to get an abortion was if you were raped. That is until I wound up in the situation and realized there are many more reasons why women get abortions, and they are for the utmost selfish reasons. The day I was supposed to get my period was the day I took two pregnancy tests(EPT and Fact Plus, both 99.9% accurate), I didn't think I was late---I knew that I was pregnant. I could feel it and unfortunately my gut feeling was right, both tests, positive. Not really the answer any woman wants when it is unplanned. I was freaked and told no one, in fear of being judged. I also later found out that they figure out your weeks by you LMP, so instead of the 2 weeks I thought I was, I was really 4 weeks. Which scared me even more. About a week later, one of my guy friends noticed I was upset and told me that he was worried about me, so I decided to tell him the truth. I originally hadn't told him because I feared the reaction I would get, but he promised to help me through everything. Telling him was the best decision I made, because he was always helping me, making me happy and distressing me everyway possible. He became(and still is) my best friend! I also got opinions from other people, but I didn't tell them directly that I was pregnant. Just the situation at hand. All responses were mixed, confusing my mind even more. Everyone had an opinion, but to me it seemed that no one could possibly know what I was going through, since that hadn't dealt with it themselves. There advice was only the thoughts that they had if they were in that situation. I did end up telling a couple people. The woman I babysat for, who was a pro for abortion. One of my best guy friends who said it was my decision. My best friend since 9th grade, who was pro-life and that was the end of the discussion. All things discussed between us were strictly her thoughts and not the true facts, which only got worse after she found out about my abortion. Let's get to the week of my abortion. I called around to a couple places, and the prices were a little steep for me. An average of $425 for general sedation---which I had to have! Though I settled for a small clinic that cost $365 and had twilight sedation. Originally I had set my appointment for October 22, giving me time to get Money and making it accessible for my friend to go with me. If I had waited though, I would have been 11.3 weeks, which I feared would be worse upon myself. I called my ex-boyfriend in a panic and told him I needed his help and that it would be man of him to pay, considering how he ruined my life in the first place. He agreed to pay for some, but at first with stryings attached! He originally tried getting me to pimp my friends to him, so he could satisfy his needs!(I did prewarn his fianc�ee, so this is no longer my problem if she gets hurt). He soon realized though, that I could be of no help that way and paid me. Only, my friend and I drove out there and my ex-boyfriend made me, alone, get out of the car and go to him. He was afraid someone would try something. I think, personally, he was just trying to flatter himself! As a payment he gave me a check for $170, which wasn't even half of what I had to pay! He was also acting paranoid, which I called him on, and him responded rudely with, "If you knew how much I was worth you would be paranoid too!". Now if that were true, don't you think he would be giving cash instead of a check? My friend and I left and went back to my house(this was Tuesday the 12th) he stayed over and left in the morning to get to his college classes and I went a friend of the family to learn the routine of taking care of her dogs for the next week and a half(starting this Tuesday, up until next Thursday). Since that day was my mom's birthday and the next day was her boyfriends, she decided to pay me half upfront so I would be able to buy gifts. The deal was, $100 now, $100 when she comes home. I saw this as a good investment in my dreaded procedure bill. The next night(Thursday) I thought of the idea of getting my abortion done ASAP. At first I opted for Friday, but realized that it would be more convenient on Saturday. So, I called and rescheduled. The told me not to drink of eat anything after 12, which wouldn't be difficult, since I had lost my appetite anyway. Friday night my friends and I went to the movies and saw American Beauty and all talked about our existent and not so existent sex lives. We all joked and laughed at each others expense. This of course cheered me up and made me feel a little better about what was about to happen the next morning. We said goodbye as my 2 friends(girlfriend/boyfriend) went back to their college and my guy friend and I went back to my house. There we set the alarm clock and went to sleep. My alarm clock of course, is one of those extremely loud annoying ones that you want to throw across the room as soon as it goes off! It woke us up for sure though. I decided it would be best if I took a shower before we left, so I did and 15 minutes later we were in the car on the way to the clinic. After missing a couple roads, we finally made it(they said to come in between 10am and noon). When we first arrived, it was not a pleasant site to see. We were welcomed by protestors shouting their beliefs and telling the ladies what they were doing was wrong. This really bothered me and gave me doubts in what I was doing. My friend called the clinic and asked if they had a back entrance we could use, and of course they happily agreed and cooperated. As we first walked in, the place looked small and almost unsanitary. Just a first observation, but my mind quickly changed. All of the staff were extremely friendly and helpful. All of the ladies awaiting for there operations were stuck in a small waiting room, with there ride homes. The had a tv in there with cheesey 80's movies on as if to try to cheer everyone up with it's stupid comedy. Waiting seemed to take forever! Plus, considering I was one of the last girls to sign in, I was furthermost in line. About an hour an a half after getting there I was finally called into the back room. This is where they gave me my first ultrasound and I saw my baby. It was a little freaky, but I was ok, and still agreed that what I was doing was right. The question of, "Are you sure this is what you want" was very repetitive with the staff members and asking. After the ultrasound I was ushered for a urine sample, which unfortunately I could not produce alone, so they had me drink tons of water. While waiting for the water to settle, my blood pressure, temperature and blood was taken. My poor middle figure was pricked for blood with a needle, and bandaged with a bright yellow bandaid(my favorite color). After that, I went back to the bathroom and was finally able to produce my urine sample. I then went back to the waiting room, where my friend gave to a huge hug and told me how worried he was. I told him that nothing went wrong, I just couldn't pee on command. He laughed and I smiled and we went back to reading magazines. Ironically enough the magazine I pick up to read is People, and the cover story is, babies having babies. After a couple minutes of reading the magazine I was called back again, for the payment of the surgery. So of course I had to call back my guy friend, who was a sweetheart and put it on his credit card. Afterwards, we were told to go back to the waiting room and the would call me back shortly. Though, we must have a difference in time, because that shortly took forever and I complained the whole time that I was hungry and of course, bored! Not too much longer though and I was called back. I went, by myself. A young nurses aid came in and told me that I was to remove everything from the waist down and wrap a paper sheet over my legs and the dOctor would be in shortly. I couldn't decided if I wanted to wear my friends sweater or not, but I ended up doing so, because it made me feel comfortable. I sat on the examining table with the cloth over the lower half of my body and waited, more so impatiently for the dOctor to come in. My dOctor was a man, which at first bothered me, but I easily got over it and a female nurse came in. At first I laughed and made a comment about feeling really exposed and then of course, I asked the most important question on my mind how fast would the sedative work??---their response as they were injecting it in my arm was, you tell us, try counting backwards from 100. Didn't work, I was in total lala land within mere seconds, mentally at least. In reality, it kept me from looking at what was going on. Which is good. I did feel the pain though and I wanted to cry because it hurt so bad, but before I knew it, it was over. The dOctor asked me if I was ok and then left and the nurse's aid came in and helped me get clothed. Though, I ended up getting sick from the sedation and dry heaved for a couple minutes. Then was sent, with 3 other women, to recovery. Which was a small room with some chairs and a couch, but it was nice and comfortable to be in. They gave us our medication, Doxycyline and told us the do's and don'ts for the next 2 weeks. We also were sent home with Birth control pills(which was great for me). I immediately had my appetite back and so my friend and I decided to go to the Olive Garden, before we got there though, I got sick yet again, and threw up water. But then of course, after everytime you throw up, you feel perfectly fine afterwards. We went for food and then I called the lady I used to babysit for and stayed the night at her house. Yesterday was Sunday and I first started taking my pills. The only thing that is bothering me is the cramping, I haven't really bled that much, which is good and also in a way annoying----considering I have to wear pads, which I hate, and I had to go out and buy some. So I would at least like to see them get some use. Everything is ok though. I did get into a fight with my friend before who is pro-life, because I decided to tell her. She told me that what I did was wrong and that she thought more of me. That I ran away from my problems and that she is only looking out for my best interests. Also that having a baby would have taught me respect and responsibility: physically, emotionally, financially, and economically. We fought about this and both made each other cry, but came to the conclusion to just not talk about it. That conversation actually took place only a few hours ago. I know that this is very long, but this is my story. Right now I am trying to deal with the emotions of, did i do the right thing or not? I did.
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  • Nancy
    It has been only 6 days since I have had my abortion, and i feel worse emotionally then i thought i would. It was a relief in a way to be rid of the physical symptoms; the breast swelling and terrible morning sickness which lasted all day, and the fatigue, but I am now feeling very depressed, guilty and alot of anxiety about what i have done. I am 41 yrs old, have a 16 yr old son and was married to my husband for 17 yrs. We broke up for 1 year and got a divorce, and this past November got back together and got re-married. Since then, things have not been going well. He is a total workaholic devoted only to his job and does not spend much time at all with me or our son. He is emotionally abusive alot of the time and I feel he does not respect me, etc. All this taken into consideration, I could just not see bringing another innocent child into this, as our son has had his share of problems dealing with our on and off again relationship. We have used the withdrawal method for at least 10 or 11 years with no problems, but this time, it didn't work for some reason. I was only 4 days late with my period, but since i am always on time, i took a pregnancy test and nearly died when it was positive. I still can't really believe this has all happened now that it is over. I told my husband i was pregnant and was very upset and crying, and he said, well, do what makes you happy. How could either of the choices make me happy? He was very distant from me and we did not discuss it again. I told him i had seen the dOctor, had the blood tests, and scheduled the procedure. He said to let him know when it was so he could take me to the hospital, what a guy. I was miserable for a few weeks, and i was 7 wks. when it was done. He took me to the hospital and i was a nervous wreck..I cried in the waiting room and as they were putting in the IV, etc. They gave me medication to relax and then wheeled me into the OR. I had general anesthesia so i dont remember anything. I woke up, stayed there for a half hour and was able to go home. My husband dropped me off at home and went back to work, and there i was. I had no bleeding or cramping for the first three days but then for the next 2 days, i was bleeding, terrible cramps, and soreness all thru my body. I feel like this was my punishment for what i did and i deserved it. My husband and I have still never talked about it, and he seems very distant and angry at me, which only makes me feel worse. I know it was the right decision for me and the baby, but i still have terrible depression and anxiety and cant sleep at nites, and dont know if it will get any better. I feel that if i would have had a kind and caring husband, and a great relationship things would have turned out different. I am going to see if there is a support group in my area cos i really think i need some counseling. Thanks for listening.
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  • Name: Kim

    My story starts in June 1997. I had been sick with bronchitis and was given antibiotics for it. NOBODY asked me if I was on the pill, not the dOctor, any of the nurses and not even the pharmacist. Nowhere in the info about the meds did it say anything about it's effect on birth control pills, so you can imagine my surprise when on Aug 18 1997 I found out that I was pregnant. My boyfriend had just asked me to marry him 4 days before this, so I wasn't too worried. When I told him he was as stunned as I was. We talked about it and I was shocked and very upset when he mentioned abortion. I said NO. He was worried about what our parents would say since we hadn't even announced our engagement to them yet. (Mind you we are 24 & 23)Then he worried about Money and how he would have to get a 2nd job and how I would never see him and neither would the baby and he didn't want to bring a child into the world that we couldn't give everything to. I still fought him tooth and nail I wanted to have this baby and it finally sunk in that he didn't. I was almost at the point where I was about to break up with him and have the baby on my own, but then I thought that maybe he was right, maybe it was the right decision at that point in our lives. I still didn't want to go along with it but I did. He made the appointment I couldn't. The morning of my appointment, we got up showered and left his house at 7am. When we got there and sat down in the waiting room is when he turned into another person, someone that I did not know. I got upset and started crying, he turned around to me and said, "why are you crying? No one else here is crying." I wanted to get up and leave but I didn't. When they called me in I somehow managed to keep myself composed. The next thing I know I am laying on the table, and they are putting the I.V. in my arm for the anesthetic. Thats when I started crying, the nurse came over to hold my hand and tell me it would be ok. I opened my mouth to say No stop I don't want this I want to leave I want my baby. But when I opened my mouth nothing came out, the anesthetic had started working and the next thing I know I was waking up in anither room and it was over. The next few weeks were sheer hell. I was always crying and my boyfriend would tell me to "get over it that it was done and over with". Needless to say I was an emotional disaster. I constantly would torture myself about it and held back a lot of anger toward my BF for pushing me into it. We broke up a year after, and I have since grieved for my baby and started down th epath to healing. The pain is still there, but thanks to Jilly and this site as well as a few others I have learned how to cope better.
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  • I am 34 years old and I have my only pregnancy and only abortion 6 Months ago. I am married to a wonderful man who never wanted children, I was happy to live with that. It was discussed at length for many years and we felt we had made a decision that suited our lives. Then in April I found out I was pregnant. Everything came crashing down around my ears. I was scared and my husband was not very happy, that doesn't mean he browbeat me into deciding to abort, but in every discussion it was said that it was my choice, but his choice was abortion. My good friend (who recently gave birth) warned me that she had doubts as to whether or not I could handle an abortion she feared that I was too sensitive emotionally and would find the repercussions hard (she had an abortion years ago with no ill-effects). Oh my God she was right. The last six Months have been hell, I find it hard to sleep, my dreams are vividly horrifying and the guilt is destroying me. In all this I am so torn, I know I am not a horrible person, for the most part I am a loving and giving soul, so the death, by my own hands of my child is so totally foreign to me that I have no means in which to cope. My marriage is not as strong as I once thought it to be, I have almost left him several times, and he is devastated by the fact that I am having such a hard time with this, between his guilt and mine, we're a pretty sappy couple. Nonetheless we are a couple and we are trying very hard to get through this without losing each other. My husband had a vasectomy the week after the abortion, and he says he regrets this, we made so many life-altering choices in such a short time my head is still spinning. I know we thought about what we were doing, but I don't think we understood what we were doing. I think child, they say cells, I think death, they say procedure. My husband has mentioned getting a reversal from the vasectomy, but I feel that I gave up every right to motherhood that sunny awful day in May. I am trying to get by day to day, but it is not easy. I sit here and cry and grieve for a life I didn't know. I still and will always believe that abortion should be a choice, but the choices you make, good and bad, right and wrong will stay with you and you have to learn to understand yourself in order to live with those choices. I chose wrong and I am so very sorry. I can't believe I broke my own heart. Thank you for this site, for the longest time I felt so lonely, but now I know that this grief is real and powerful and understood.
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  • Name: Lesley

    Some of you may not think that this really counts as an abortion. All depends on your view of when life begins or deserves to be respected.

    I want to be able to forgive my dOctor from 16 years ago. He was very judgmental of me when I went to him for the morning after pill (following condom failure), although I was 18 at the time, 2 years above the legal age of consent here in the UK. I am trying to forgive him for not explaining how it worked.

    I am pro-life these days and fully aware that it may cause an already conceived embryo to flush away without a chance of life, because it makes the womb lining unfriendly to it. If I had been given an informed choice, I may have decided against taking it.

    His attitude was obviously only against sex outside of marriage, and not at all concerned about new human life, because he gave me the pills with no argument, but he was very stern and looked at me as if I was something really disgusting.

    Before and after this, I can honestly say I have not been promiscuous, and do not think I deserved to be treated this way. I deserved more respect. I want to forgive the dOctor for his implied assumptions about my morals. I do not for one moment think that he was at all aware of the long-term psychological effect it would have on me, to discover 5 years later, that I may have destroyed the life of my own child.

    The difficulty I have in forgiving him is due to the fact that he has ignored my letters to him over the years, asking him to explain his attitude and why he withheld such important information from me. I want to forgive his moral cowardice, in not being able to face replying to me, and admit he was wrong.

    My mother came with me to get the pills. I only forgave her recently, because I found the courage to discuss it. Turns out she was also totally unaware of it being a possible early abortion, and would never force or pressure me to abort. Now school nurses here in the UK give these pills out like sweeties, to teenage girls who have had unprotected sex over the weekend!

    My boyfriend and I didn't properly discuss it, I just panicked and was sure I didn't want to be pregnant at 18. But that doesn't mean I would have aborted if I had known that's what it was. The main reason I was ignorant was the media lies, hailing it as a new contraceptive, for use in emergencies.

    I have also been having a bad time on the talk.abortion newsgroup, I have been called all sorts of unrepeatable names for telling of my unhappiness over this. Basically, they think I must have known what I was doing and should take responsibility entirely for my actions. I am being punished for being young and trusting and naive at the time.

    The reason I think that in MY case it was an abortion is that I got hold of my old medical notes and worked out that I was mid-cycle, I also remember that I got my period very late and very painful, and heavier than was normal for me. My theory is that the pills didn't work in the normal way, but I got pregnant and miscarried, maybe because they damaged the baby. I just feel really strongly that there was a baby, even though lots of people have told me there wouldn't have been.

    I have been split from that boyfriend for many years. I have a wonderful husband, and two lively children, but I feel I should have another daughter, who would now be almost 16. I don't expect everyone reading this to agree with my pro-life views, but I hope everyone is in favor of informed choice over medical treatment, and basic respectful attitudes from dOctors. Does any one know of any laws, anywhere, requiring that dOctors tell patients exactly how the morning after pill works? I am appalled that here in the UK at any rate, teenagers can get this without knowing the biological facts.

    Lesley Dove

  • My reason for having an abortion wasn't really my own, so to speak. To tell the truth I love babies and had wished for one of my own for a long time. It's actually the circumstances of my life at the time that determined my getting rid of my baby. I'm only 18 years old, and I just finished high school a few Months ago. My boyfriend and I had been together for 3 years in a very intense on again, off again relationship. We love each other very much, it's just that we never seemed to be able to maintain a steady union. Anyway, at the time of my pregnancy, we were off again. We'd gotten together to talk about the status of our relationship, where our lives were headed, where we wanted to be in the future etc, and somewhere along the line, lust intervened and we ended up having sex. I guess that's when I conceived. Remember we were still broken up. My parents are extremely ambitious, goal-oriented people who always push their children for the best. Their ultimate dream was to put me and my two siblings through university. A baby did not belong in their plans. As the eldest, I had to set a good example and be the first to fulfil their dream. We were preparing to migrate to Canada from the Caribbean so that I could go to school there. And here was when I realized I was pregnant. I didn't know what to do. My last weeks before I left home were horrible. I didn't have the guts to stand up to my parents and tell them about my pregnancy; I didn't think I could deal with their disappointment and the shame of being seen as having "fallen from grace". Teenaged pregnancies are not uncomMon anywhere in the world, and I guess deep down I didn't want to be a statistic. My now ex-boyfriend had long ago made it clear to me that he wasn't ready to be a father, and I knew it wasn't fair to him either since he and I are the same age, and he has his whole life ahead of him too. We'd had a pregnancy scare before and when I told that I thought I was pregnant, he let me know of his immaturity by refusing to take responsibility for his child with six words:"how do I even know it's mine?" After that I went on birth control, and only stopped when we broke up, hence my present situation. I had nobody to turn to, and I could tell noone, because the last thing I needed was somebody to condemn me for a mistake I'd made. I decided to take what I've come to think of now as a coward's exit. I should have taken responsibility for my actions and carried my child. Instead I decided to have an abortion. I had zero dollars except for my savings, which turned out to be the exact cost of the abortion, My baby's life was priceless, and yet I paid $400 for it's abortion. I had the abortion the same day that I left for Canada. The dOctor and his assistant were like Monsters to me. I was given no anesthesia. Before performing the operation, they made sure I paid them. And then they proceeded to tear my baby out of me through the suction method. God how I screamed. It took only 5 minutes but it was the most painful moments of my life, both physically and emotionally. I don't know what hurt more. At the end of it all they left me alone, on the table, crying my eyes out over what I'd allowed to happen to me and my baby. painkillers and antibiotics were all I got to feel better. I've told noone until today. Pregnant women make me jealous. I think of the baby I could have had every day. But I'm supposed to go on with my life. I've made my parents proud; I now go to the best university in the state. I wish I could be proud of myself, but I can't. I have this gaping hole inside of me that may only close when and if I have another baby. I only hope God can forgive me for what I've done.

  • Name: Tracie
    Story: I am a 22 year old college student and I have been dating my boyfriend for 15 Months (which is the longest I have ever dated anyone). Around March of this year, I began to feel "car sick" and seemed like it was only around my boyfriend. I began to think that it was him that was making me sick. But then I finally realized that my period was late. I had never been one to keep track of my period, so I had no idea of when my last cycle was. I decided to go get a test done at the dOctor's office, after all, it was free. I remember the day soooo clearly. My boyfriend came to my dorm and picked me up. We then proceeded to the dOctor's office and I took the test. He then took me out to lunch as we discussed our options if I was pregnant. We went back to my dorm and made "the phone call" to the lab at the dOctor's office. That was when I found out the news. I was PREGNANT! I was sooo hurt and scared. All I could think about was what my parents would say. My boyfriend couldn't believe it! He said I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He began to rub my tummy and hold me as I was crying my eyes out. I went over to my best friend's house and told her the news. She knew what I was going to do about this and I knew what I was going to do about it. I made an appointment with the OB/GYN to make sure everything was ok with me physically. My boyfriend and I both went there and the dOctor gave me a ultrasound. We saw our child for the first time. We saw its little heart beating. I was soo upset after that. But I knew that I could not care for this child. Finishing school was more important at that time. We had the procedure done a week later and cried the whole time. My boyfriend was there to support me. It is Oct. now the Month of the due date. I have been so sad and depressed. I have even tried to recreate my first child but I was unsuccessful. I feel like if I had another one it will fill the void in my life. I will never know if it will or not. I feel like my boyfriend is not affected by the abortion and I have given him a lot of grief. We have been fighting constantly. I don't know if I will ever tell hime that I tried to get pregnant again. Maybe one day.

  • I was 15 years old when I found out I was pregnant and it was not the greatest thing for me at all. I have my whole life ahead of me and I couldn't have a baby with someone I am no longer with now. What would have happened if I did have it? where would we be now? My boyfriend at the time said he didn't want to go to hell or have anything bad happen to him. He didn't understand that if we brought a baby into the world we would have never finished getting our educations and the baby wouldn't have had the best possible life I could give it. I felt so alone I couldn't talk to anyone I was going to take a taxi and just get it all over with, but I had no Money. So my boyfriend tried to just pretend I wasn't even pregnant. Finally one day we got into a fight and he told me if I didn't kill it he would. I couldn't and still can't believe that someone who said they loved me would ever threaten me. But he did he sent me home crying that day. Leaving me feeling more alone than I have evr felt at this point I had to tell my mom so I did and she made all the arrangements. I felt so wrong not having my boyfriend there but I didn't want to have anything to do with him. I went with my mother and got it done. I felt like I had been to hell and back that day. I felt like I had killed something that I had no right to do that to. Something I was supposed to love. I still feel alone and I have the worst pain in my heart. My boyfriend and I did get back together but nothing can ever bring back the love that we had before any of these things happened. Even after I got the abortion done he would say he would walk me home and only put me down. I felt like I should have just died with that baby that I deserved to. I still feel most of those felling. I am trying to improve me self but I just can't I see him everyday and I see someone that made a bad experience worse and at the time I needed him the most not only did he turn his back on me and made everyone else turn there back on me. Nothing is worse than crying by yourself when you know someone should be there to support you and tell you you'll be ok not even my mom did that. That's my story, I will admit that I feel better for what I did and I know that I learned something from this experience but till this day I have it thrown in my face and I hate it. My nightmares will probably never go away not untilone day I feel not alone and the one thig that everyone needs to fell from someone LOVE.

  • Name: May
    Story: I was Senior class president, co-captain of the Cheerleading squad, National Honor Society member, and Miss Homecoming Queen. All I could think about was this can't be happening to me. My life is too perfect right now for me to have a baby, not to mention I was only 17 years old. I was overly concerned with how things would look than looking at the situation as a blessing. I still think back to that day, April 25, 1998, and wonder why I didn't have the courage to run out of that dOctor's office and in to the arms of my boyfriend. He told me the choice was mine, but I was scared. I wanted guidance and there was none. I didn't have anyone else to talk to. Definitely not my parents, they thought I was an angel. Now, I know that they would have helped me, but it's too late. My baby is gone and I have no one to blame, but my self. I feel that I made a selfish decision. Now, I'm in my 2nd year of college trying hard to make it to the next day. How dare I continue to live my life, when I took that life from my baby?

  • Name: Marie
    Story: It only happened five Months ago. April 27, 1999. It seems like yesterday though. I think that it's something no girl who goes through this will ever forget, whether they go through PAS or not. I don't really know if I went through or am going through the Post Abortion Syndrome but I certainly think about that day and every day after. I wonder what it would have been like to have a baby. Would it have been a boy or a girl. What would they look like. What name would I give him or her. I am 18 years and was 18 years old when I had the abortion. When I first found out that I was pregnant I had so many mixed feelings. I was really scared and hated myself for ever letting this happen, but deep down I was kind of happy. I took the pregnancy test. It was positive and I showed my boyfriend who I had been going out with for only been going out with for 8 Months at the time. In a way he was happy too. We talked and he wanted to keep it and so did I. However I had not yet told my parents. Three days later I got up to courage to tell my mom. She yelled at me and cried a lot. She couldn't understand how I could be so stupid. Then she told my dad. I don't know who was more disappointed. I think it was probably my dad. My mom was more embarrassed. What would other people in our town say about her and her trampy daughter. I come from a very small town and news travels very quickly. In the three days before I told my parents I did a lot of thinking. I thought I had it all worked out. I was at the end of grade 12 and had already been accepted into university. So this pregnancy had come in a very bad time. My due date was for Dec. 8, 1999, so if I went to university pregnant I would be going into labor during final exams and I didn't want that. So I figured that I would not go to university for the first year and when I did decide to go I would put my baby in day care and stay in a home for teenage mothers. That way I could go to school. But of course that did not work out. My parents put the idea of abortion into my head. Before they even mentioned it I hadn't even thought about it. I didn't think it was something I would ever do. But I did. I wanted to go to university, get a job, get married and then start a family. I was only seven weeks pregnant when I had the abortion. I day I arrived there with my mom I went through a counseling session and I was given some pills to make me relax because I was very nervous. I also had a ultra-sound done. The fetus was so small and helpless. It wasn't even beginning to develop yet. I wanted to take that picture of the baby and go home and show it to everyone and have them all be happy for me. But that's not how real life works. The actual procedure wasn't that bad. It hurt a bit but because I was so early in the pregnancy it only took about 4 minutes to complete it. I remember one of the nurses saying to me " Now you are no longer pregnant". Those words always stay with me. After the procedure was over I was in recovery for a half an hour and was allowed to go home. I got dressed and headed for the door. Then the anistetics started to wear off. I had to stay for another 4 hours because I couldn't move. I was in so much pain. But however bad the physical pain, the emotional pain was a lot more. I am now in university and no longer with my boyfriend. I think about that day all the time. I sometimes hate my parents for pushing that on me, but I realize that they were only looking out for my best interests. If I wasn't so stupid in the first place everything would be fine. I know that my story isn't as bad as some, such as in cases where rape takes place. So I'm not looking for anyone's sympathy. It was something that I brought on myself and could have prevented. I just want to let young girls know that it's not worth it. No guy or anyone else for that matter is worth it. Protect yourself and keep yourself safe, because if you don't care, no one else will either. I would just like to write one more little note. A note to my unborn baby. NOTE: I am so sorry. I think about you every day. If I had my chance back I would want to be holding you in two more Months when you should have been born. I was selfish and there is no excuse for that. I just want to say that I love you.

  • I am 27 years old. I am married with 2 sons, age 7 and 19mos. I been pregnant 4 times. The first time at the age of 17, I had a miscarriage. When I told my fianc�ee about the miscarriage one Month before our wedding I told him then that we didn't have to get marry anymore if he didn't really want to. He looked me dead in the eyes and said " I never do anything I don't want to and I've been dreaming of making you my wife." It was then that he truly stole my heart. In 1992, we had our first son. We were so in love with him, we didn't want him to have to share his babyhood with another child. So we waited til 1995 before we even thought about having another. It was then that the conflict between my husband and I began. He had decided he did not want anymore children without even discussing it with me. For 2 years it was a extremely sore subject. We came close to divorcing more than once,but seeing a marriage therapist seemed to help for a while. I felt so cheated. I always wanted at least 2 children and had always said so. Finally in 1997, my husband came to me and said he too would like to have another child now. And after talking it over for a couple of weeks, we decided to start trying. Only then did I go off my birth control pills. You see, I believe you should never force what you want, no matter how much, on someone else. It has to be a joint decision in a marriage if you want it to survive. So in feb.of 1998 we had our second son. Our 2nd son was born 1 Month early and was hospitalized for 2weeks because of seizures brought on by his body's inability to stabilize his blood sugar. It tore me up, not bing able to bring home with me. Iprayed every night that he would be okay. Today, he is doing fine and is labeled normal. Our family has been through a lot this year but the worst of it started the moment I found out I was pregnant with our 3rd child. I went into total denial. I knew my husband didn't want a 3rd. It took 2 years for him to agree to our 2nd and the worrying immediately following his birth was almost unbearable. Surprisingly, he didn't mention abortion immediately. It took him a couple of days. But he did and I totally dismissed the idea almost immediately. Because secretly, Part of me was thrilled with the idea of having a little girl. soft, pink, and beautiful. But reality was looming in my face. I had just gone back to work and was making Money again to help support my family. We had just paid off our 2nd son's hospital bills and our youngest child had just been given the label of normal again after Months of worrying. A couple more days went by and my husband finally confronted me again with abortion. He explained that he too had never thought he would selfish enough to not want to go through with another pregnancy, but he was afraid he would resent this baby for taking away things he could no longer give to his sons. Our 2 sons needed our full attention now. I argued that people have 3 children with much less Money than we do but in my heart I knew he was right. I couldn't handle the care of two babies under the age of 2 and still keep my job and we wouldn't make it if I didn't. Hard place to be. No decision I truly wanted to make. But I did. Heartbroken , I called the local abortion clinic and made the appointment the day after labor day. I had to call in sick to work. My husband drove me. The kids stayed at my mother-in -law's. I'm still not sure what he told her we were doing. Probably not the truth, She would be heartbroken too. At the clinic, there were protesters there handing out pamphlets and praying. I knew what I was doing was a sin I did not need to be reminded. I was surprised at how many were there to do the same thing. They all looked miserable. As well as I, I suppose. My husband's hand shook the whole time we were waiting for my name to be call. When my name was called I felt numb. I walked back with several women. Some had husbands, some boyfriends, some mothers. There were 12 of us in all that day. I was the earliest in my pregnancy only 5 1/2 weeks. I remember one of the women crying when she found out she was 14 1/2 weeks. She hadn't known she was that far along. I cried with her. Shesaid she still had to do it. I didn't ask why. Finding out I wasn't as far along as I had thought made it a little easier. I knew at that early in gestation a baby had not developed a nervous system so she would not feel any pain when she was killed. The procedure itself was not terrible. The nurses were very understanding but very informative about what was going to occur. I was there 8 hrs in total. The procedure only took 5 minutes. But when I left there I knew I had left of my heart there too. Ever since that day I have been in mourning for the little girl I know I was carrying. During the day, I'm fine. I take care of and hold my sons a little longer now, hoping that if I love them a little bit more and a little longer it will help me feel better a bout my decision. It's at night when they are asleep that I miss her the most. I dream sometimes that I am still pregnant and then I wake up and remember what I did. I look at my 19 mos old son and wonder how I could done what I did. The guilt sometimes feels like it is going to consume me. The self-loathing is bad sometimes too. I do get through those times but I do wonder about the next time. I will never kill my unborn child again. My husband feels the same way. Never again. The debt is too much to bare. Recently, I have come to a place were I can forgive myself for doing what i assumed was the better option and learning too late that it was not. I found this poem on the internet and it helped me. Maybe it will help you too. camille

  • I was 18 and i had an abortion. ait was the worst day of my life. I remember the whole day as if it was yesterday.I remember feeling so called "relieved". But now 5 years later i dont feel that feeling anymore.I have been through counseling an 8 week process, and it helped but i need support still. I haven't got over it yet.I am now married and have 2 beautiful daughters.On the day of the abortion I was sitting in the chair waiting for them to call my name, which seemed like forever.They gave me a 4 minute counseling before the actual procedure. I felt like a number. I was put to sleep but before that i heard noises. i heard a procedure being done before me. That noise haunts me all the time. I finally woke up. I remember crying as though i have been crying for along time, I just couldn't stop.I got that feeling, Oh good its over. My boyfriend was waiting for me in the waiting room. He looked at me and smirked. We left and never talked about it ever.We ended up breaking up and not speaking. I felt this emptiness inside of me.My heart was aching real bad.I've been through counseling but didn't work with it. Must of been the person counseling me. I wanted a baby soooo baby, every where i looked i seen babies. I just had to have a baby. 2 Years later I found out I was pregnant,(with my husbands child)I was not married, but it was there in the future.My daughter was born.I thought that emptiness would be filled. But it was still there.I loved my new baby so much but knew I would still be wanting to fill that emptiness.I would always think of my ex-boyfriend,he was always on my mind.I didn't think it was appropriate to contact him being married and all. But he also has a special place in my heart. He is the father of my first baby and it take 2 to make a decision.I Just want to be able to forgive myself and him for what we did.I'm not sure what to do but I hope being able to talk with others with the same experience will help. It is a start and Im gonna make this work. I just hope it doesn't cost my marriage. VLH

  • I am a 25 year old wife and mother of a 3 year old and a one year child. I found out that I was pregnant this spring and was devastated because I just recover from two difficult deliveries and was not sure what to do. My husband wanted more children but I had my hands full with my other children and was not planning on having any more after them. I was so confused and scared being married and having alot of children is the America dream but I am still very young and had both of my children in college and never finish. I want to go back to school and get a better job. I am not a selfish person and this was the hardest decision I had to make. My husband totally disagree to the abortion and want me to keep the child and to make things worse my best friend was also pregnant with her third child in the same situation as me(but very happy) I did not know what to do about the baby I was carrying. So I decide to have the abortion without my husband support. The morning of the abortion I was so sick on my stomach I thought I was going to vomit but I knew it was for the best and still have thought of my unborn child everyday and sometime I wonder what the child could have been. Sometime I cry and feel guilty but I hope that one day God will forgive me.

  • Name: Cassie
    Story: Well, I've been coming to this site for about 2 weeks now, and I guess it's finally time I tell "my story." My name is Cassie, and "my story" goes like this: I'll call this Act I: On December 31, 1991, I got pregnant. I was only 16 and the father 20. I told him I would not have an abortion. My mother had 5 ectopic pregnancies and almost died from 2 of them. My sister is adopted, so I know how an unplanned pregnancy can bring joy to others--it brought immense joy to my family. So, on September 25, 1992, I gave birth to my daughter; I was only 17. Two days later she went to live with her new parents & brother. Since then I have continued to receive pictures of her and I have seen her twice. It's a wonderful relationship. During my pregnancy I grew very close to my parents. My mother became my best friend; before the pregnancy we hardly talked at all. Act II: I January 1996, during my junior year in college, I met the most intelligent guy I've ever known--a major pot head he was, but oh how smart! Well, in April I found out I was pregnant again. What to do this time? I knew I would never marry my boyfriend. I didn't want him to be a dad to my child--he smoked too much pot, did too many other drugs! I wanted to give the baby up for adoption. He finally agreed with me (his first choice, of course, was for me to have an abortion). I asked my daughter's adoptive parents if they wanted to adopt the baby. They wrote back and said they couldn't. They felt that another child would take away from the attention their other 2 needed. They felt they couldn't be the best parents they could be if they adopted a 3rd. So, I went to an adoption agency and chose another couple. On December 17, 1996, I gave birth to my 2nd daughter! For weeks leading up to the delivery I contemplated very seriously changing my mind and keeping the baby. I told this to my mother the night I went into labor. When my water broke, I knew that God had something else in store for my baby. So, on December 19 she went to be with her new parents. During this pregnancy I grew very close to God. I was "saved," & I had never been happier. Act II: This "Act" begins in March 1998. I started hanging out with some new friends, got a new boyfriend (who was adopted!)--and I discovered ecstasy (the drug). We did so much--I fell in love with my boyfriend--I got depressed--we broke up in July, just 4 Months after we fell in love--I stayed depressed for about 8 Months. In August there was no more X. So, life went on--"depressingly." In March 1999 the X came back! My ex and I started seeing each other again--for about 3 weeks. After he broke my heart again, all hell went loose. If I could find drugs, I would do them--anything. In April I started sleeping with an old friend of my ex's. In June I started doing crystal meth. In July, after staying up for 4 days in a row & snorting meth everyday for a week, I found out I was pregnant--(the baby was my ex's friend's). So, what to do? (again). Immediately I knew I couldn't have the baby--not because of the drugs, but because "What would people think of me?" How selfish. But it's all I could do. I wasn't 100% sure that i wasn't going to have the baby though, so I saw my OB-GYN as an OB patient. I went for an ultrasound and told him I wanted a picture. But 2 weeks later there I was at the abortion clinic. The baby's father drove me--that's about it though. I had to pay, and he wasn't there for me from then on. At the clinic I had hoped I would change my mind. I kept looking at the pictures of my daughters & my sister. I thought about my ex who was adopted & thought "what if his birthmother had made this choice?" But nothing made me change my mind. I believed what I was doing was wrong, but I did it anyway. My 3rd pregnancy, my 3rd child, saved me in every way I could be saved. I have grown closer to the Lord (again), I haven't touched drugs or alcohol in 2 Months--even quit smoking. I've had to let go of the regret & guilt. But I don't think the sadness will ever go away for good. So, here I am today--I'm better than I've ever been, but look at the price I paid to get here. I think of my baby every day, and I wish so much that I would've had the strength to give him life. Last week at an NA meeting a man commented on the saying "If I only knew then what I know now." He said "We knew it, but we had to go through it." Nothing ever rang more true for me than what he said. So now I'm pondering the question "Am I pro-life or pro-choice?" I like to think that I'm pro-life. I'm glad that I had the right to choose. But I think the right choice, ultimately, is life. I think my child could've touched the world in an awesome way, as all children do. But I didn't let him have that chance.

  • I'm 18 years old and had an abortion almost 2 Months ago. It's a sad story everyone says. The father was my first real boyfriend, the one I lost my virginity to and vice versa. We were a cute couple who was so unaware of the consequences of irresponsibility. We had unprotected sex on and off because we were naive and thought bad things would never happen. When it did, we cried together and worked our ways through the mess. Maybe me more so than him. People that know me know why I had an abortion but for those who wonder there is an answer. I'm 18 years old and may legally be an adult but honestly still feel like a kid. I believe in second chances and don't believe that because I was stupid and had unprotected sex that I should be punished forever. I'm catholic and I believe in God. I know that God gave me that baby to teach me a lesson. He may not like what I did but I know he forgives me. The abortion hurt me in a way I can't explain. I don't regret what I did but I am upset about it. I think what upsets me is that I created the situation without knowing it. I could have prevented what happened very easily. When the abortion was over I cried out of relief. In the 3 weeks until the checkup exam I worried that baby was still inside of me. I didn't want it. When checkup exam was normal I cried out of happiness and hugged the dOctor. It wasn't until I got home that I satd down and thought about what it was that I did. I cried and cried and wrote a letter to that baby apologizing for what I did. Not because I wanted it back but because I wanted it to understand. Not a day passes when I don't think about it all. I wake up with pain and fall asleep with it too. I don't regret it because I am young and want to go to college and get a good job. I knew the father would never have been there for not only me but also that baby. I knew my choice was right for everyone indirectly involved in it all. I never told my parents because they would have killed me. They would have been ashamed of me and that was what I feared most. That guy is not my boyfriend anymore and doesn't understand what happened. he thought I would have an abortion and everything would be normal. I'm not who I was before it all happened. I am a hell of alot smarter and confident. This was the first adult problem I had to solve by myself and I did it. I did it with dignity and have learned alot. I hope that my story gives strength to a young woman out there just like myself to find the answer to her problem, whatever it may be. I am pro-choice and damn proud of it. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Bad things happen to good people and it only makes you stronger. I hope that one day when I find a guy who truly loves me that I will get a second chance at all this. I hope that one day I can have kids when the time is right. But no matter what, I will never forget this baby for it will always be my first. And how said it is to think that I am one of the only ones who will know that. I just want all women who have been there to know that you're not alone. I hope this helps someone.

  • Name: zoey
    Story: In January of 1996, I was going into the second half of my 3rd year of college. I was 20 years old, and feeling on top of the world. Over winter break, I had traveled for a week and a half with two of my best friends. We felt so independent and free. We had no plans; just went where the moment took us. When the trip was over, we said goodbye for the remaining week of winter break. A week later, first night back in the dorms, I got a phone call from someone I had dated several Months before. Since my car was broken down, he offered me a ride to 7-11 for a pack of cigarettes. That's all I thought we were doing. I won't go into details because this is a whole separate issue, but I was acquaintance raped that night. Three weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant with the rapist's child. I was pro-choice at the time, but being raised in a strict catholic home, I decided I wanted to have the baby. For two weeks, I lived in a dream state, ignoring the rape, and concentrating on being happy (something I know now that I would not have been able to maintain). I read name books, looked at baby clothes, thought about god-parents, etc. Finally, two weeks later I got the courage to tell my parents. To my surprise, they wanted me to have an abortion. After I thought about all the responsibility I would face, I agreed with them. I think I knew all along that I couldn't possibly raise a child while grieving my own lost childhood and the part of me that the rape had taken away. I would have either been an awful mother or extremely unhappy myself. I went to a clinic with my father. People threw rosary beads at us as we walked in and called us sinners. In my head, all I could think about was the gross idea that they probably thought that my dad was the dad of my baby! For the past three years, I have been drinking almost every single night. I am an alcoholic. I'm in treatment now, but I drank to deal with my lost baby. I celebrated many events by getting drunk: 1/21- the night of the rape, 2/14, Valentine's Day- the day I found out I was pregnant, 3/1- the day of the abortion, and the whole Month of October- around when my baby would have been born. It's been a long time now, and I'm still not over it. I never went to the hospital to heal my broken soul, as you would if you were in a car wreck. I was in an emotional car wreck. I still have some broken parts of me that never healed right. I never got a sympathy card. One day I will be a wonderful mother, but I will never forget my "first". My mother will never actually see her "first" grandchild. It's all very sad, but I know that there is a purpose for it all. It's strange, but I know that I have a strength in me. I get stronger every day. I hate to make things seem terrible. To any woman who has had or is contemplating an abortion, I give you this advice: 1. Get help from counselors, hotlines, anyone...if they make you uncomfortable, get another one. 2. Do not turn to alcohol or drugs; they only prolong the painful journey. 3. Listen only to people who are supportive/sensitive to your feelings; ignore the rest, they don't know what the hell they're talking about. 4. Love yourself. Thanks! Sorry this was so long...

  • Very few people, even my husband know about my abortions. Yes, I use abortion in the plural, because I had 2 of them. Both within a 2 year period, in a very very hard time in my life. I was already a single parent of the most wonderful little boy alive but it was so hard, by myself and with no help. I sometimes couldn't feed myself, I always made sure he ate, but I myself went without at times. His father didn't help, except to come and get him on an occasional Satnight. I was 22 years old and very scared, I would try to get some kind of youth and vitality back in my life by going out with "RON", who was young and carefree. So I found out I got pregnant "Ron" said he didn't want it - and wouldn't help. I was already struggling - Another baby just didn't seem like the right thing for me or my son. So I aborted it. I'll never forget that feeling - I cried until I was put too sleep and woke up with tears still wet on my face. "Ron" was very uncaring and acted as if I was annoying him by crying about it. That night I held my son so close he had to tell me to stop "hugging so tight". Being the typical lonely poor me, I took "Ron" back after he apologized. We dated for awhile, again I didn't learn my lesson and got pregnant again. Same routine, same feelings, same thoughts. So there are my abortion stories - Told to strangers but never to those close to me. I have the most wonderful husband now. We've been together 4 years now. And though we have my son to grow with, we often talk about having another. So, we tried and I miscarried. I kept blubbering to my husband that I didn't deserve to have a baby. And I still feel the same way. That something bad is going to happen again if we try to have a baby. I just threw 2 good babies away - And who cried for them except me? It tortures me alot - I often wonder if its the little girl that I want so bad but don't deserve to have. I am not a victim, I'm educated and if the choices I sometimes make aren't the right ones, I learn from them and try to move on. However the abortions have left me scared, sad, and ashamed of what I have done. Guilt and remorse are as real today as they were 7 years ago. I never knew anything about PASS. I really felt as if what I was feeling was my punishment along with my miscarriage. I don't know how to make it any different. Please help... Thank you for listening and giving me the opportunity to share something I"ve kept in for 7 years.

    Name: Emma
    I am 23 years old. I had an abortion in March and ever since then I haven't been able to get it out of my mind. It is the most emotionally painful thing I have ever gone through. I grew up with very religious parents and have never even considered the thought of abortion for myself. When I first found out I was pregnant, I was terrified, because eventhough as a child I always dreamed about having children someday, when I got a positive test result, I was going through a period when I wasn't sure if I would ever be emotionally ready to give up my freedom to take care of a baby, because when you're a mother, you're a mother for life. I had been seeing my boyfriend for 9 Months, he is 11 years older than me and divorced with no children, and we were not ready for a baby yet. It was still early in our relationship, and I was in my last semester of college, with no substantial income and he was between jobs. He was battling high Monthly bills and at the time was paying his utilities with credit cards. He couldn't see how he would be able to support himself, a baby and me (since I wouldn't be working for a while after the baby came and I hadn't got a job in my field yet)He said that if I really wanted the baby we would find a way to do it, and I would not do it alone, but he wasn't sure if we would end up together in the end. He thought the stress of the situation so early in our relationship would tear us apart. He obviously did not want me to have it, he didn't say one encouraging word about having the baby, only pointed out all of the negative aspects of it. Plus the burden of my parent's disappointment and embarrassment in me would have been almost unbearable for me to handle. So, considering all of these things, we decided to have the abortion. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it. I thought I would be ok. I have a couple of friends who have had abortions, and they are ok, so I thought I would be. I was totally fine, up until I heard the vacuum sound in the dOctors office, it was then that I lost it. Immense feelings of guilt and sadness overcame me. I felt irresponsible and I began to mourn over never being able to see, hold, or care for my baby, it still seems weird to call it that, my baby. I actually had what was going to be a baby inside me. At the time of the abortion, it was only a cell, (I was only about 7 weeks along. Now, I don't feel guilty about the procedure itself, because it wasn't a physical baby, it was just a cell, but the sadness of never knowing my first child haunts me. I wonder what it would look like, and I knowing what I know now and the regretful feelings I have about it, I wish that I had not had the abortion. I'm scared that God will punish me by never being able to have children now. I wish so much that I could go back to that day, and make it not happen. Sometimes the pain is so unbearable that I don't know how I will ever live with it for the rest of my life. I'm young. I will forever have this on my conscience, and I hope someday I can forgive my boyfriend and myself for the decision we made, I made. I am hopeful that someday I can learn to accept my decision and realize I made the decision that was best for me at the time, and I could not predict what my feelings about it would be in the future. Always remember that you can only make the best decision you can at that time, given the information you have.

  • (Name) Renee
    NOTE: I am writing this not because I wish to find justification in what I did, but because I would like my unborn child to know. I was 19 when I found out that I was pregnant with my second child. I had my other child when I was 16 years old. She's a miracle. I was also in college. I had met the father of my second child just 3 Months prior to me getting pregnant. He wanted a child from day one and he told me that. He wanted me and my daughter to move in with him from day one and he told me that also. The thing is, there was a lot of things that he did not tell me. I found out two Months after I met him that he had lied about his age. I didn't find this out because he told me, I found out because I saw his driver's license. He was 31 years old. He was old enough to be my father. From then on the relationship changed. He acted like he was my father, but he was worse. He talked about me, about my hair, about my job, nothing I did was right as far as he was concerned. I was fat in his eyes. I was told that there were many girls that were prettier than I was. I suffered emotional and so! metimes even physical abuse from a grown man who swore that he loved me. We were planning on moving in together. Things happened and it did not work out like that. He ended up stealing a lot of Money from me, and never giving me back the things that I had bought for the apartment. I told him it was over and I didn't want to speak to him again unless he was going to give me back my things. He didn't call for over a Month, and I had no way of getting in touch with him. During that time I found out that I was pregnant. I remember he called me one day out of the blue like nothing had ever happened. I can't really remember what it was that he was saying, but I remember thinking to myself, "Maybe we can get back together and have the baby and live happily ever after." He was in the middle of saying something, and I just said, "...I'm pregnant." And I was very emotional at the time, so I just started crying. And then he said something that I will never forget. He said, "He said why are you crying, you need to grow up." I hurt I really did, and I couldn't tell him how I felt. He cared about having a son not about me, and I realized that. He wanted things to be the way that they were, but they couldn't be, I was hurt, by what he had did to me, and I couldn't see beyond that. He wanted this baby so much, and I know that he did, but I was determined to hurt him back for what he had done to me. I told him that I would take him to court if I didn't get my things back. I never heard from! him again after that. I am a selfish person. I killed my child because I wanted to hurt his father. I took away a precious gift from him that no one else had ever given him. I am not happy with what I did. I regret it every day. I know that I could have raised our child and loved our child like no one else could. I know that there will be another day when he calls me out of the blue and he asks about his child, and I have to tell him that I killed our child before it ever even had the opportunity to be born. All I can say is that there is no justification for what I did. I made myself believe that I could not do it, but in reality I could as long as I kept my faith in the Lord. At the clinic I made myself numb. I could not think about what they were going to do to me, to my baby. The thought of them sucking out my child is something that I never want to think about again. After the procedure, reality started to sink in. I wanted my baby back. What had I just done? Why didn't I protect my child like a mother is supposed to? Will I ever be able to forgive myself? Since it has happened, I've cried myself to sleep every night hoping that maybe if I cry enough it will bring my baby back. I hold my stomach and I feel an emptiness. I reach to hug my daughter and I know that someone is missing. I try to sleep at night, but I wonder if I really deserve to sleep in such peacefulness. I look at a baby and I wonder why he couldn't be mine. I look in the mirror and I see the eyes of a cold blooded killer. I pray for my unborn child every night and I know that he hears me. I think of him every second that I breathe and I wish that he could be hear with me, though in my own special way I know that he is. I look forward to the day when I can see you in Heaven and I can show you how much I love you. Please watch over me.

  • Name: Jeannie
    I am 45 yr old,married with 2 grown daughters, when i was 18 i got pregnant first time, my parents scheduled an abortion and i left home, i could not and would not, for i loved my boyfriend so much i knew this baby was out of love and i was going to have it. when i told my babys father he left me i moved in with friends and finally got my own apartment, the father came back and i told him to get lost, when my baby girl was 6 days old, i let her father see her, we were married 1 Month later. The marriage was horrible, he drank and hit me all the time, 3 Months later he was on top of me, i begged him to pull out i could not take the pill, he said i was his wife now and that he'd do anything he wants. i got pregnant again, my baby girl was only 3 mo's old and i was 19, when i told my husband he went nuts, he threw me around the apt and kicked my stomach, several days later my father and husband drove me to new york to have an abortion. When it was over i laid on the back seat of my dads car and cried harder than i ever had, it continue for 4 days, I could not believe i did this how could have ever let this happen, i believed in God and i was devastated, scared, and i knew i would never forgive myself, and made no difference what my dad or husband said, i would live with this guilt forever, i knew inside i could never had handled another baby, i could not ever take care of the one I had, often giving her to my sister while when i couldn't handled things, also i thought the baby inside me was going to be deformed or worse because of the beatings. my marriage ended , I took my daughter and moved away, i swore I'd never see him again. well i got married again had another little girl got divorced again, and raised my girls by myself, i worked 3 jobs and drank myself to oblivion every chance i could, 13 years later i saw my first husband again, he was clean and sober and as guilt ridden as i was, we went to counseling for several years and remarried in 1990, our first marriage was in 1973. our daughter was now 16, between the two of us we had 4 girls, we had both wanted a son but we knew what happened to the our son the only chance God was ever going to let us have, and we were going to pay that price forever. My husband again has never hurt me and has done everything in his power to try and make up the pain he caused, we forgave each other before God and thanked God for our second chance, we have been married now for 9 years. The only unhappiness we share is the unforgivable knowledge of what we did with our second baby, I have never and will never get over that decision the regret i have haunts me every day, I've ask God for forgiveness so many times I just can't forgive myself,what i would give to go back and change that decision, I'm so so sorry the only regret i have in life that i will carry to my death. How horribly wrong it was, I should have trusted God that he would seem me through that horrible time in my life and he would have kept me and my children safe somehow, why didn't I know that then, Dear God, please forgive me,please... God works in mysterious ways in an understatement! 1n 1993 our only daughter together gave birth to the most precious beautiful healthy baby boy, our grandchild's name is Christian James, he is now 5 1/2 The day our little boy was born was the day I knew God was giving us a second chance I knew God had forgiven us, this child has brought joy to myself that I had never known could have existed CJ loves his nana and grandpa and we treat him like the precious gift that he is that only God could have made possible, I can't tell you the gratitude in my heart, I fall to my knees and say I love you Jesus, I love you God, and yes I am still having trouble forgiving myself and I will still always live with the guilt inside me, you see God said he would forgive but he also said there will be a price to pay! But he also said that he loves me and he helps me heal every time I look into my grandsons eyes and hold his little hand and when he hugs me and says i love you nana, I look up to God and say I love you and thank you God for loving me and for forgiving me and my husband, we are so blessed and thankful. Love Jeannie.

  • (Name) Kat
    Well I remember finding out that i was pregnant. It was just like yesterday. I was so scared to tell my parents because i knew that they would flip. Here i was 19 years of age my boyfriend just turning 18 and I was pregnant. Didn't finish college didn't have enough Money to support myself let alone a child. I was so happy when I found out. At first Dan and I wanted to keep our son but then i was talking to my mom and she kinda pushed me into having the abortion done. I find out in March that I was pregnant . I got pregnant in Jan and Had the abortion done in April. I remember going to the Doc office with Dan waiting there for him to being me into the office to talk. I was looking at all these posters with mom and ther newborn baby's. I felt like running away and hiding. Then they called us in. The doc was so cold. He was talking to me like I was dumb and didn't understand nothing. I had my appointment for April 07. 99 the day before my sister was going in to have her child. It hurt so bad. I still call myself a killer and I hate myself for doing it. I even hate hostpal now. I sometimes don't want to go to sleep because I am scared that I am going to dream about my and Dan son hating me. Ever time I hear "Tears In Heaven" by Eric Clapton I cry because I wonder if my son will forgive me. I am still 19 and hate myself for what i did to my child. Thank-you for listening.
    Kathy God Bless

  • (Name) April's Fool
    I found out I was pregnant on April 1, 1999- April Fool's Day...I had called a good friend of mine earlier in the day, and had mentioned that I wasn't feeling well. She said,"you must be pregnant!" I laughed it off, but I stopped at the store for a pregnancy test anyway. I couldn't be pregnant, I rationalized. I would just take this test to put my mind to rest.... Once I got home, I put off taking the test for a few hours. I had intended on waiting until the following morning before I took the test, but by 11:00 PM, I knew I wanted to take the test now and be done with it. I still believed fully that there was no possible way I could be pregnant, After all, it was my body, and surely I would know if there was a baby growing inside me. I went to the bathroom, and took the pregnancy test. It turned positive almost immediately and stayed positive......I was dumbfounded, shocked, and terrified all at once. I opened the door to the bathroom and told my fianc�e to come here. I showed! him the test. I was crying and repeating, "I can't believe I'm pregnant" My future husband just hugged me tightly and didn't speak.

    I couldn't go to sleep that night...the news was overwhelming to me. I knew that I wanted to keep the baby. I knew that I wasn't ready to be a mother, but I was willing to take responsibility for my actions. I thought of a friend of mine who is a single mother, and how she has managed to do it. I wasn't single, I rationalized, in fact I was getting married in a few Months. It would all work out. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I knew we could do it.

    The next morning, I went to my Dr to confirm the pregnancy. I was definitely pregnant, and the Dr suggested I make an appointment to see an OB dOctor. I called my fianc�e to let him know what the Dr had said. I told a few of my close friends, who were thrilled to hear my news. I felt so confused and dazed that day. I couldn't decide if I was happy, sad, or angry. I knew that I still wanted to keep this baby, but the confusion, along with the nausea and fatigue was creeping in. My emotions were all over the place. I remember crying and laughing alot that day.

    As the days passed, my fianc�e and I began talking about our future, and the future with this child. It became increasingly obvious that he did not want to have this child. He never came out and said, go have an abortion, but he didn't have to. I honestly couldn't believe it. We had had those hypothetical "What if I get pregnant" conversations before, and I had always said that I would have the baby if I was to ever get pregnant unexpectedly. As the days past, every conversation we had about the baby ended with me sobbing and him looking confused and sad. He strongly kept up his argument... We weren't ready.... we weren't married.... he would feel as though I forced him into fatherhood.....he was still in school and would be able to finish if we had a baby now......he would end up being resentful of me and the baby.....

    I was so very confused and saddened by his reaction. I was also suffering by this point with extreme nausea and exhaustion. My spirit was weakened by this man. I didn't want to go through this pregnancy alone....I wanted him to support me and be there for me and his child. Maybe he was right...maybe this was for the best. I can still however, remember some of his comments that he made in the weeks prior to the abortion...I remember he once said that abortion was a way to correct a mistake... Another time, he asked me if I would choose this child over him?? I was so shocked and saddened by these comments that my spirit and soul was shattered. I couldn't begin to understand these responses from him. In those days, I had never felt so utterly alone in my life. I felt disconnected from him.

    I considered leaving him, and going to a friend of mine in another state for help and support through the pregnancy. But, despite all of this, I still loved my fianc�e deeply. And we were in the middle of planning a wedding. And, in the back of my mind, I hoped he would change his mind. I prayed every night that something or someone would make my fianc�e change his mind and support me in my decision. But, nothing did. And, beginning to feel disconnected from my own body and my own feelings, I called the clinic to make an appointment.

    I set the appointment for several weeks ahead of time. I still held on to a glimmer of hope that he would change his mind. I pretended that nothing was happening and went on about life as normal. I completely shut the idea out of my mind. I told no one of my plan. I remembered the nurse who took my appointment said that I would feel relieved when it was all over. Once I told my fianc�e of the appointment, he seemed relieved that I had decided to see thing his way. He arranged to take the day off, so he could be with me. We really didn't talk too much about what was going to happen. I know that I just wanted to forget, and pretend that appointment wasn't getting closer with each day.

    The day of the appointment arrived...the weather was terrible. I kept hoping that something would happen to make my fianc�e change his mind. I was terrified and extremely upset once we finally made it to the clinic-right on time of course. I held it together for all of 2 minutes. Then the nurse handed me another form to sign and the words "Unwanted Pregnancy" and "Surgical Abortion" were the only words I saw before the tears and silent sobs began....I kept praying as I slowly signed my name to the forms..."Please God make him realize the mistake we are making... just let him get up and lead me out of this horrible place.." The ink smudged on the forms as my tears dripped onto the paper. I wanted to grab him and beg him to not make me go through this. But, for reasons I have yet to fully understand, I handed my papers back to the nurse and walked into the doorway towards the examination room.....

    I was asked once if I was ok...I said yes. The ultrasound was performed and I saw my baby....the first and last time. The DOctor came in and spoke to me very kindly about the procedure. I was given a combination of valium and Demerol to relax me and ease any discomfort. A blood test was run to check my rh factor. I cried throughout the whole procedure, while the nurse held my hand. I heard the vacuum, felt the blood between my legs. felt the sucking sensation . And then it was seemed like it took 30 seconds. 30 seconds...... Because I was so drugged, I suppose it made it easier. The experience now is really hazy, and I only remember bits and pieces of the day. My fianc�e came into the room while I was recovering to sit and hold my hand. I cried when he came into the room and I remember telling him this could never happen again. He said, " I know, I know" and stroked my hair while I rested.

    The range of emotions that I've experienced since this day is vast. I remember feeling a tiny bit of relief-relief that the procedure was over. Then the guilt and depression set in. And the anger and rage at my fianc�e. I felt unimaginable grief at what I'd done. I felt as though I had set my own beliefs aside in order to do what someone else thought was right. I would stare at pregnant woman and wonder if that is what I would have looked like. I would see babies and wonder what my baby looked like. I was obsessed with anything related to babies, and I craved for the experience that had been ripped out of me that day. I was so upset when I started my period a Month later...I had foolishly hoped that I would be pregnant again, that I would have a chance to set the past straight.

    Since this happened, I am now a married woman. I married because I love him, and because I can forgive him. The abortion will always be a regret that I have, and I would do anything to have the chance to change the past. I should have listened to my heart and my feelings instead of what others think is best for me. I still have many of the feelings that I've described above, and it will take a while for that range of feelings to subside and become bearable. My husband and I are now going to counseling in part, to help us deal with the feelings surrounding the abortion. I continue to pray....I pray for peace within, and for my womb to be reopened someday so that I can give life to another.

  • (Name) Michelle
    (story) When I find out I was pregnant I went to a friend who had an abortion for advise. The most important thing she said to me was make the decision that is "best for you, don't think about anyone else but you". Because I am a single mother of an eight year old this concept of thinking for myself is rare. Several thoughts flooded my mind as I tried to make the right decision. I knew that having an abortion was not going to be easy. I absolutely love children and dream of having more someday. I did not plan on having that option so soon. There were several determining factors that weighed heavy on emotions.I had no idea how I would pay for another child. My mother and step father are already helping me get-by. I wondered how it would affect my son. I questioned whether I would be able to give my son all the things he needed if I had another mouth to feed. I didn't know how much the father of this unborn child would be around. I thought about how much it hurt me to not have a dad when I was young and I did not want to put a child through that same hurt I went through. All of these questions with hardly any answers. How could I figure all this out on my own. Finally, I went to relatives and the suprising vote was abortion. The more people told me their opinions, the more I'd get upset. How can a pregnant woman make this decision? I cried until I couldn't breath some nights. When the date for the appointment for abortion came I felt I would let family members down if I didn't go through with it. I am 27 years old, why should I have been so concerned with what they thought? Why didn't I listen to myself? I thought I was being unreasonable thinking I could raise a child on my own, so I let the thoughts of others rule what my heart was telling me. The entire experience was a nightmare for me. I wish I could take it all back. I will never be able to change my mistake. Nothing seems to make it better. My only hope is that time will ease the pain. I hope that I can help someone else when faced with this dilemma.

  • Name: he called me babe
    My story is so very old and my experience has never gone away. I am still going to therapy for it. When I was 18 my boyfriend forced sex on me. All these years I blamed myself for something he did and now it came out in therapy. I told him I didn't want to have sex because it was a bad time but he must have been drunk or was smoking pot and he forced it on me. I did get pregnant and knew he didn't want to have a baby and he already had a girlfriend in College that he is now married to. I saw no way out, I didn't have a choice. I felt totally used and in shock, and had the abortion out of necessary for my own sanity, believe it or not I didn't think of it as a baby not once for the way he treated me. I couldn't believe God could ever permit this to happen, to ANYONE so I just went with my instincts. It has a very bad ending. We of course broke up and I could never trust men again after that. There were times when I became desperate and blamed myself for what happened. I had little respect for myself and felt useless, helpless...not ever being good enough. The story gets worse. When I learned HE married this girlfriend of his who killed my baby and ruined my life, I began to become a ticking time bomb. Not understanding why God could let a person go through so much pain. Not even understanding why I was permitted to live such an unfair life. You see He had children with this girl. One two three and then four. For as many babies he had, I became involved with 2 other guys and became pregnant over and over again until I reached number 4. It was like I was killing him and his lies and deceit over and over again. This cant go on. I then sought a good counselor and am now getting the help I so much need. I am married now for 12 years to a very good man who loves me more than I ever thought possible. It was a hard struggle, but I made it but I am on medication for depression and my PMS seems to be getting a little better.

  • (Name) Rachel
    I was fifteen and I was dating this guy for almost a year. He had been asking me to have sex with him for most of our relationship,I gave in. The very first time I had sex I got Pregnant. I was only 15 and I had no idea what to do. I started to get sick all the time I could not eat a thing, I thought I was dying or something. I had no idea about morning sickness then. Well I finally got the nerve to tell my mother. She told me I had a week to decide what I was going to do. The guy had left me and said it wasn't his baby, he even had his family call me and tell me I was a slut and they also told me if I had an abortion they would get me. I was all alone no one would even talk to me at home or school. I came to the decision to have the abortion. I am now 20 and I have a child and a husband. I think about it all the time. But there is no doubt in my mind that I made the right decision.

  • (Name) Anonymous
    (story)I Can't Believe it Happened Twice....

    In February 1994 I met Matt who was at the time 19 years old and in the USAF. I was 16. 4 Months previously I had broken up with my first boyfriend. I guess I was lonely but I am really not sure why I slept with Matt just one week after meeting him, on Feb. 13. Maybe romance was in the air because of Valentine�s day. I don�t know. Anyway, he lived 6 hours away at the Air Force base and so we didn�t get to see each other very often. About every 2-3 weeks if we were lucky. So when I found out I was pregnant I knew exactly when it had happened. Luckily, Matt was supportive of me we were together and he loved me and everything. So even though we hadn�t been together long there was no worry of him leaving me since I was pregnant. It�s been so long, I don�t remember everything I went through at that time. I just started feeling funny, which then progressed to feeling massively sick in the mornings. Soon puking 3-7 times a day became the routine. I knew I had to be pregnant but I was 16 and scared to face the reality. I actually never took a pregnancy test. It was awful because I was of course still in high school and it was really difficult to get up from class and leave to go puke several times in one day without anyone suspecting anything. I pulled it off somehow. I stopped eating in the mornings thinking that if I had nothing to throw up then I wouldn�t. Was I wrong. Dry heaves are worse than actually throwing up. When I was at home I would go into my closet and throw up into a trash can so my parents wouldn�t hear. I didn�t want to go into the bathroom because they would wonder what was going on. I really felt miserable all the time. I would wear huge baggy clothes to school and I quit wearing makeup and doing my hair. I looked like I felt. I didn�t have many friends so I guess no one really suspected anything. The only people that knew were my best friend at the time, Stacy, Matt, and his best friend (also Stacy�s boyfriend) Steve. Because I felt so awful as a result of this pregnancy, plus the fact that I was 16, unmarried, and had really unforgiving parents, it made the decision to have an abortion not too difficult. I really felt I had no other options. So I looked in the phone book and found some places. But I was afraid to call so Matt did it for me. He made all the arrangements all I had to do was show up. It was at a place in a town 2 hours away on a Saturday. He was coming up from the base and meeting us at the Parkside mall just outside of town. I had no car at the time so Stacy was taking me. Her boyfriend Steve was also coming along. The weeks leading up the abortion were nerve wracking. My biggest fear in the world was that my parents would find out. I never really thought much about it being a baby inside of me. I was in a state of denial. To me it was just something that made me sick all the time and that had to be gotten rid of. I began to fear that something would go wrong in the procedure and I would have to be hospitalized or something. Then my parents would find out for sure. I thought if something did go wrong I hope I die so I don�t have to be around to face their wrath. My junior prom was the week before the abortion was scheduled. I was sick the whole time but I still went and smiled for the picture. I of course wasn�t showing yet so no one would have guessed, with me in my tiny little velvet dress, smiling and laughing, what I would be doing in just one week. On the way to the hotel where the prom was being held, for the first time I heard the latest song by Tim McGraw : �Don�t Take the Girl�. Of course that song became associated with my pregnancy and the coming abortion. I cried when I heard the song and had to redo my makeup going down the road in Matt�s truck. Ever after I cannot listen to that song without thinking of all this. For a long time I couldn�t listen to that song at all without breaking down. Several times I was in a public place such as a restaurant and had to run outside when that song came on to avoid busting out in tears in front of everyone. A few people must have thought I was crazy anyway. We had to be at the clinic that Saturday morning at 8:30 am which was really difficult for us to come up with an excuse of why we were leaving the house that early, and also why we would be gone all day. So I just told my parents I was spending the night with Stacy and would be home the next evening. That was it. But we had to come up with something to tell her parents. So we said that we were doing a community service project for a school club we were going around to old people�s yards and raking leaves, trimming hedges etc.. It wasn�t a complete fabrication, we had actually done it once before. We were getting up early to do it so it would be cool. Her parents bought it so we took off from her house, urine sample in my purse at 6 am and headed out. I don�t remember much about the ride down there, except I was scared stiff and sick as a dog. She had to pull over once for me to throw up on the side of the highway. We met Matt and Steve and went to the clinic. Matt and I didn�t say much to each other during the trip. When we got there I had to turn in my sample and fill out paperwork. You can�t of course legally get an abortion without parental consent unless you are over 18. Being only 16, I had to lie about my birthdate. I fabricated a lot of stuff on those forms, including my address and SSN because I was afraid of it getting back to my parents somehow. It�s funny because no one said anything about my age even though I must have looked 12. I�ve always looked really young. But I guess they don�t care as long as they get their Money: $250, in cash. Matt got it I think he borrowed it from his mom. Good thing because I could have never laid my hands on that much Money. Then they called us in to talk to us yes, you are pregnant, are you sure you want to get an abortion? And so on and so on� They go thru the procedure with you, tell you what�s going to happen. I don�t care, I just want to get it over with. They take a blood sample to make sure that you�re not Rh negative, which can cause complications. I wasn�t. They take an ultrasound, and then they give me some pills: Valium I think, and some other little pink and blue pills antibiotics to prevent infection and another to dilate the cervix and induce uterine contractions to expel anything that might be left after the procedure. I have to go sit out in the waiting room and wait to get sleepy from the Valium. It totally knocked me out. I just have vague memories of being led (more like, held up) by a nurse into a cold examining room. There was a lady that couldn�t speak but in a very low rasp she had had vocal cord surgery or something. They helped me out of my shoes, shorts, and panties then put me up on the table. It was my first time in stirrups I had never been to a gynecologist before. I was very groggy, and they left me alone in that cold room, while I waited fearfully if deliriously. After a time the nurse and a strange man (the dOctor) entered the room. I never really looked at him don�t even know his name. [Oh god this is so hard] I�m not sure what happened next. I remember the speculum the tube the stick into you then widen so they can see your cervix. It was cold and very uncomfortable. I remember the dOctor talking to me telling me what he was about to do. [I can barely type I�m shaking�] He had to give me a shot in the cervix, I don�t remember what it was for either to dilate it or deaden it. This might sting� god damn it hurt. Felt like wild fires running thru my belly. I�m gonna die� calm down, honey, you�re gonna be Ok. I look at the nurse and try to smile. I�m Ok, I can handle this. But I have her hand in a death grip. It seems like I had to wait a while for the shot can take effect. Really my memories are very sketchy. I�ve probably blocked out much of the procedure. I remember feeling sensations inside of me, not pain but just pressure and discomfort. And there was the loud noise of the machine, sucking� I lay there looking at the ceiling wondering when the pain is going to start, when I�m going to die� then it�s over and the dOctor leaves the room. It was quick. It�s over honey, you�re Ok. Sit up now, let�s get you cleaned up. I sit up wondering how I am still alive. I look down and all over the paper sheet covering the bed I was laying on � blood, blood. Oh god oh god, I�m bleeding to death. How can there be so much blood? I wonder where my baby is. I think, that is the first time I ever thought �my baby�. But now, it is too late for my baby is dead. My baby is in pieces in a cold glass jar somewhere a bloody dead mass. What do they do with it? I picture a dumpster out back filled with tiny bloody corpses. No, they couldn�t do that. But what do they do with it? The nurse interrupts my thoughts, handing me little cloths to clean myself with. I expect to feel pain when I touch myself with it there is none. So I wipe off the blood. She gives me a pad to put in my panties you�re gonna bleed for a while so you�ll need this. But it�s Ok, it�s normal.. I get dressed and she leads me to a room filled with couches and recliners. The recovery room. All around girls are laying in these chairs, looking dazed , unhappy , and in pain. I lay in a recliner by the door, she gives me a blanket for the room is cold. I lay there not thinking. Time passes and another nurse brings me some crackers and a small glass of� 7up? Water? I don�t remember. I didn�t touch it. You need to get something in your stomach honey. I nibble a cracker and stare into space. Finally, I can go. They lead me out, give me back to Matt, Stacy, and Steve. They put me in Matt�s truck. I think I laid down. I don�t remember. I faded in and out of consciousness while they drove back to the Parkside mall. Of all things they decide they are hungry and drag me into Shoney�s. I�m sure I said I didn�t mind. I wasn�t all there shock and the Valium. I sat in the booth, leaning against the wall, sleeping while they ate. I ordered a glass of tea but after I tried to drink out of the end of the spoon thinking it was a straw I didn�t drink anymore. Finally we were leaving I got in Stacy�s car and I laid the seat back and fell asleep while she drove. We stopped once I was so groggy but she thought I needed to walk around for some reason. Finally we got back and she took me home. I told my parents that we had been up all night and I was tired. They didn�t say anything about it and I went into my room and slept till the next day. There were no complications, everything went Ok and I was fine. The bleeding continued for several days then stopped, and I went on the pill. I was so relieved that it was over with. But there was a desolation inside of me too. I had a lot of bad dreams I often would hear the machine, and it�s sucking, loud sucking noise. I�d wake up screaming and crying. I�d get my period and freak out having flashbacks to all the blood on the paper sheet at the clinic. I didn�t tell anyone about this though. For all they knew I was fine. Matt and I really didn�t talk about it much more either. We both just tried to forget about it, block it out. We broke up a year later. That was 3 years ago and I�ve hardly spoken to him since. I often wonder if he thinks about it. But, it doesn�t matter. I know he probably does, sometimes as I do, all the time. Senior year came and my friend Stacy thought she might be pregnant. So I went with her to a free clinic to get a pregnancy test. She was indeed pregnant, and their goal was to discourage her from having an abortion. They showed a video of an ultrasound performed during an abortion. Called �The Silent Scream�, it graphically depicted the fetus desperately trying to escape the invading instruments that came to claim its life. The fetus did indeed appear to �scream� and fight until it was ripped to pieces and died. It was the most horrendous thing I have ever seen before or since, and it really brought home what really did occur on that day. But even then I knew that I had had no other choice. Luckily for Stacy, she got the �easy� way out she did not have an abortion but instead miscarried. While still a painful experience at least she will not have it on her conscience as she did not cause it. We all finally graduated, and I went off to college. There I met John in a class and we dated for a while and officially got together in November of that year. The birth control pills that I had gotten at the clinic the previous year had run out I had never gone back to get anymore. I guess I didn�t believe it could happen to me again or something because we never used any protection either. I shouldn�t have been surprised when I turned up pregnant in May of the following year. I didn�t know the exact date of the conception this time but guess it to be around the end of April. The same nightmare started anew, and now that my freshman year at college was over, I moved out of the dorms and went back home to live with my parents. Once again the clandestine trips to the closet with a wastebasket. Luckily now I wasn�t in school so I could pretty much just lay in bed all the time, which helped. It�s funny because I remember even less about this time than the first one. I remember facts but not really details. I guess I�m still blocking it out. Anyway I tell John and once again we feel we have no options, but one� We�re both in college, unmarried, living with our parents, both sets of which would be very upset if they found out. So we made the appointment. Same place June 1. By this time Stacy and I are no longer friends so my friend Julie takes me. It�s like a freakish nightmare, d�j� vu straight out of the Twilight Zone as I repeat the events of 2 years ago. I spend the night with her, we drive 2 hours to meet John at the Parkside Mall, proceed to the clinic. Everything is the same. I remember next to nothing about it this time, except there was the same raspy voiced nurse, and this time it hurt a lot more. During the procedure I freaked out and hyperventilated, then threw up over the side of the bed into a hastily procured wastebasket. I think I was freaking because I was reliving this awful event again in reality. I can�t believe I did it again, I can�t believe it happened twice. But at least it�s over and I can start over. But can I ever really start over? These two events will be with me for the rest of my life. I have 2 babies I can never hold, never see, never know. My first would have been born in November 1994, she would now be almost 4. The other would have been born January 1997, he would be a 1 � . It�s hard to imagine, but impossible to forget. You see I have chosen the sex for my babies of course I do not know but in my heart I feel that that is how they were first a girl then a boy. Although I sometimes find it hard to believe in an afterlife, I hope that one day I will get to see, meet and hold my 2 children that I never knew, and I hope that they can forgive me for what I did to them. Only then will I be able to forgive myself.

  • (Name)Dany

    I am 35 years old and separated from my husband for 2 years. I began dating a nice guy about 6 Months ago but the relationship was more friendship so we ended it - but just after splitting up I found out I was pregnant. I have 3 children from my marriage a 10 year old and twin 8 year olds and receive no financial support from my ex-husband so after discussing it with the father of the baby we decided that the only option was abortion. I have always been pro choice but it was very hard for me because the procedure was done at 14 and 1/2 weeks so I had to have the two day procedure. The father was with me for those two days but afterwards he left without a word. Except for a few close friends I kept the abortion to myself as my divorce is not very pleasant and my family is already having trouble dealing with that situation - so without the support of the father afterward I was alone trying to deal with the grief. Having had the privilege of producing 3 beautiful daughters from my body and experiencing pregnancy and childbirth this was very difficult for me - especially because it was my third pregnancy and I was feeling the baby move - my body changes came sooner and it was very difficult to remain detached. I never expected to feel such an overwhelming sense of loss and guilt. I also needed to find and make my peace with the father of the baby and finally after 2 1/2 Months of asking him to see me so I could tell him about the pain I was feeling I was able to find some peace and healing by being able to have him share in some of my pain which he had not wanted to do in the beginning. That was particularly important to me although some people did not understand. It has been almost 3 Months now since the abortion and although I still have movements of sadness and feelings of loss - the guilt is not as great because I am reminded that as painful as it was - I still have 3 beautiful daughters that I still need to raise and focus on. And they and myself have already been through so much with the separation and divorce that the choice that the father and I made was the right one.

  • (Name) amber
    I remember walking into the abortion clinic thinking, "Why am I doing this?" I didn't really know why, but I just knew I had to do it or else I'd hurt a lot of people. I was only 14 at the time I got pregnant, I dropped out of school because of morning sickness, and to top things all off my mother threatened to send my boyfriend off to jail if I didn't do what she said and had an abortion. I didn't want the this day I wish I would've had my baby. It's something I think about everyday of my life. I'm only 17 yet, but still, that hidden life was a part of me and even though I never felt or knew the child, it was mine and I loved it. When I got inside the clinic, a nurse with a pink shirt on and a huge grin on her face greeted me at the door and hurried me inside. There, I took a pill to help open my cervix during the procedure and they took blood and vitals like they do at the regular dOctors office. At that point, I really wasn't feeling any emotions or guilt or anything, because being only fourteen, who knew what to expect! When I got into the room where they would start the procedure, fear flooded my brain as I saw all of the instruments on the table next to me. When i was undressing, I noticed a beautiful picture of a newborn baby and a teenage girl. I looked at it and thought, "That could be me in 7 Months...", but I felt as though it was too late and there was no turning back. When I saw that picture though, I couldn't help but to cry because I realized now what was actually happening! I was letting somebody kill my baby! I sobbed throughout the whole procedure, and the whole while in the recovery room. I don't know what came over me during those last few minutes of the procedure, I just couldn't stop crying. My boyfriend at the time was int he room with me holding my hand while it was being done. I kept looking at him with disgust and hatred in my eyes. He knew I blamed him for us losing our child. I felt so alone and frustrated after my abortion, I didn't want to know anybody--even myself. I felt suicidal and depressed, then one day I decided I couldn't live without my baby and for what i did to it. So, on July 6, 1997, I tried to take my life. Of course it obviously didn't work out the way I planned, but since then I have gotten extensive counseling and have learned to accept my abortion. Sure, from time to time, I still think about the child I could've had and wanted, but I know that you can't change the past, and it was God's way of giving me a challenge in the game of "life."

  • (Name) Cheyenne

    My story is very long and spans over fifteen years. I come from a very strict and rigid Catholic family, which may explain why I would rebel and be careless with my past sexual experiences. The old cut your nose off to spite your face syndrome. It has been fifteen years since I had my first abortion. I was sixteen. My boyfriend was 22 and wanted to marry me and have the child. But I was sixteen and a sophomore in high school - and scared! With the role model of a strict Catholic father, I was certain that God would through me in to a pit of everlasting fire for having premarital sex. My family was moving across the country in two weeks when I found out. Out of desperation to "correct" the situation, I had the abortion, and three days later moved across country. I was alone through that entire experience, and never shared it with anyone until now.

    I experienced a deep depression following the move and the abortion. I locked myself in my new room for three weeks!

    Later, when I was a freshman in college, I had to drop out of school because I was experiencing severe depression. I was considering suicide, and became emancipated. That summer I saw a psychologist, who put me on Prozac for depression and Xanax for anxiety. I never told her about the abortion. I was in such a deep denial that I didn't think it mattered.

    I went off the drugs after finding out the side effects, and later started taking herbs and supplements to treat the symptoms of depression and anxiety, and eating a vegetarian, organic diet. (I still do to this day)

    My second abortion was when I was 20. I was in college, and my boyfriend was a 24-year-old professional who lived four hours away. He came up immediately when he found out. He wasn't sure how I was going to handle the situation and was concerned about my mental stability. I remember sitting in his jeep in a driving rain, and feeling the resistance from him. I considered having that child with him, but he resented the idea. Goals and financing were his primary issues. So I had the abortion, and he and I broke up shortly there after.

    A few Months later I found I had cervical dysphasia, and had laser surgery. My third abortion came after an evolution in my spiritual beliefs. I had been married and then divorced. Following my divorce, I was celibate for two years. I just wanted to focus on the healing. I was 27 and met a man who was 46. We wanted to offer me a home and a safe haven to continue my healing process. So I accepted, only to experience his sexual advancements, resulting in yet another pregnancy. This time I was pissed! What the hell was going on? I felt as if his attempts to get me pregnant were intentional. I started to eat junk food and a lot of it. He was a "starving artist" and I certainly did not want to have a child with this man. I didn't love him and I didn't feel secure with him. He already had a child that he had abandoned financially years earlier.

    Somehow, we scraped the Money together and I had yet another abortion. The experience this time was much more traumatic for me. I wasn't so detached and could really feel the intense act of going against the prime directive of Mother Nature. I moved out and have had a great deal of anger towards him since.

    I met my life-partner a couple years ago. We have been struggling with my sexual inhibitions that have resulted from these experiences. He has been very patient and loves me very much. He and I want to have children. But first I need to heal from these experiences. I've started to do some healing writings from all of these experiences. I've realized that the source comes from the issue of anger with my father, and at times, my mother. I wrote "The Letter" to my father a few Months ago, and haven't heard from him since. He and I hadn't been talking for a few years anyway, ever since my divorce. He has no idea that I've had even an abortion, never mind three. And if he did know, he would never talk to me again. But he doesn't even talk to me now. So I ask myself at this moment, "So what if I did tell him?" It wouldn't change any type of personal dynamics between us, but maybe it would help me heal? Continued healing,

  • (Name) Sandra
    (story) Fourteen years ago I got pregnant more or less deliberately and kept my child even though I knew the father was an irresponsible unreliable jerk: he never made any efort to spend time with her or get to know her in any way in all those years. It broke my heart to see her abandoned by him. It was also really hard for me to parent alone and in poverty: often severe hardship and stress. A year ago I fell in love with a really great man and after about six Months found myself pregnant again. Although I was more deeply in love than I ever imagined I knew that I didn't know my partner well enough to trust him with another life. We had agreed early in not to have children: he had abuse issues he was working through, as did I, and one child already that he never saw (hmmm a pattern maybe?). We agreed to have an abortion even though I knew in my heart that I should have this baby and that I had been expecting it for years:I had always "known" that I would have another child when my daughter was thirteen. Well it didn't quite work out that way. My partner had a violent attack of fear and ran away. I had a complete breakdown before and after the abortion. My partner came back briefly for about a week to take me to the hospital but then took off in a flurry of blame and emotional attack. I took up drinking and stopped eating. I could not have raised another child alone and obviously I couldn't depend on Dave to support me in the process and I was on medication for an unrelated condition that could have harmed my child yet I have never regretted anything so much. I cry every day. I see a therapist as often as possible. I burn up the crisis phone lines. I feel like I can't tell my friends how much it still hurts now, it's been seven Months I expect them to say: aren't you ever going to let this go? I miss Dave, I miss the dream I had of getting married and raising a family and living together in nuclear family bliss in the sunset. This has been a big slap in the face for me about dreams coming true if you believe enough or something. I'm tired and depressed and just can't get excited about life anymore. I'm going to school and lots of great things are happening in my life but I feel numb and dead inside. I'm not sorry I had the abortion: I couldn't survive any other way but I am FURIOUS with a culture and society that puts women in this position! How come the men run off and don't have to give up their dreams (I gave up on architecture when I got pregnant the first time and have been incredibly poor ever since) to care for their children? How come women aren't adequately paid for the work they can do? Why aren't mothers paid for the incredible job they DO? It seems like so many people who are pro-life are also against single mothers and punish them with poverty for what? Choosing not to have an abortion? Talk about your lose-lose situations.

  • (Name) J.J.
    (story)I was 17 when I had an abortion. I was raped, I guess now I feel that way. I was drunk, I said no and cried the whole time. I remember how it felt to have his semen inside of me. I felt dirty and nasty, like a whore. I come from an alcoholic family, so I felt as if I deserved it. I was no good. I knew I was pregnant from the day after it happened. my body changed, I had stretch marks, (which I still have horribly now) my breasts grew, the whole bit. I was pregnant for a long time before I realized I had to do something. I was in track, soccer, band, worked..I was a good kid. I was out at the mall with my friend when I passed out. Dropped my tray, bloodied my lip and everything. I begged the guy not to call 911, I knew I was pregnant. I bought a test- positive-another-same etc.. Finally I had to swallow my pride and tell my Mother, an alcoholic, I was pregnant. She actually asked what I wanted to do..I wanted it gone..I wanted to forget about it, I wanted to play soccer. I was 17. She told my Dad which was always fatal and I had to go to the hospital because I was so far along. The sonogram was horrible. I remember the picture of my baby I still have it. I think for the most part I tried to block it out. But then the day came. I wanted to eat. I wanted to die. I prayed for death. I went to the hospital and they explained what would happen. I was numb. They put an IV in + took blood. They then did the most wretched part. They put this needle into my abdomen with a long tube running up to a bottle of fluid. She released the fluid and it killed the baby. I felt it jumping + kicking. I almost heard it screaming. They then inserted stuff into me that induced labor. I was in so much pain. They gave me shots, then the shots hurt. I had diarrhea. The baby came out in the bedpan. I slept. I woke up and they opened me up and I felt them pulling out all this stuff from inside me. I was bleeding so bad. I never cried. My breasts were lactating. All I thought about was soccer. I asked when I could play soccer and she said 2 weeks. I was mad at her. Everyone would know. I didn't start to feel any guilt or pain until I tried drugs 4 years ago. Maybe I was running from the pain + actually ran to it. I think of it as something that happened t! ! o someone else, not me. But now I'm married and I want to have a family one day. My husband knows,+ he is always supportive. I can't rid myself of the guilt, the pain, the loss.I feel so bad inside. Iwonder how it would look, I am so ashamed of myself. It's with me everyday.

  • (Name)Kaz
    (story) The one thing Ive noticed at this site is that most of the women are from the US, I thought maybe my story may be helpful in that I'm from Scotland. The procedure here involves taking some pills, about four I think and then going back to the hospital a few days later to complete the medication. At this point you are admitted for a few hours aprox 5 and in that time the fetus is aborted. When I was in there were two other girls on the ward one screamed in pain almost the whole way through until she was eventually given medication to knock her out. I sat and drew a picture to the memory of the child I was aborting. The picture was of a pre-historic mother goddess with a fetus in her womb surrounded by a frame of plants and symbols.It was my way of expressing and coping with my feelings. The nurses on the ward commented on it and seemed almost shocked at what I was doing. To me it seemed natural to express myself in this way. I didn't feel much pain just pretty bad cramps like you might get if your periods really heavy. Then after a few hours a nurse appeared with some equipment that looked like a pair of scissors but with a triangular hoop on the end. She Said "dont worry this is not for you, no it Doesn't touch you". She didn't need to be any clearer I knew who it was for! I lay back and she removed the baby and then she held it up where I could see it and dropped it into a test tube right infront of my eyes. I just burst into tears and she started apologizing. It was about the size of the top of my thumb and it looked just like a little sort of bean, it was so very real. The nurse scuttled off and came back with a post abortion councilors card and suggested I phoned the number if I need some support. I think the nurse was trying to provoke a response from me because maybe the picture I was drawing gave her the impression I didn't care. Maybe thats why she made sure I saw my baby. After that I got dressed and went home. A few weeks later I went back for a scan to make sure the baby was gone but I knew it had I'd seen it! There was no post abortion support offered apart from the card the nurse gave me but I never bothered using it it seemed so lame. A few weeks after the abortion I split up with the father and since then Ive never really talked about it much to anyone, until now.

  • (Name) Shawna
    I have had 2 abortions. The 1st I immediately (within hours) flew into deep & suicidal depression. I didn't really want to do it, but the "guy" wasn't interested AT ALL. It wasn't much of a relationship. I didn't know him very well. It seemed like an unbearable burden to place on either of us. He didn't come with me, or help. He did come back some Months later and apologize. He said he felt guilty about the whole thing. I saw a therapist for quite awhile. She said it was good that I felt the pain so immediately (and boy did I!) My friends thought I was making it up, or trying to get attention, or just plain nuts. Finally I managed to drag myself out of the pit of despair. I "moved on" , put myself through business college, got a good job & started having fun again. I shortly hooked up with an ex-boyfriend of a friend of mine. A very handsome rogue, who was technically "sterile", low sperm count, etc. We discussed abortion, and I told him what I'd been through before, straight out. I explained that I couldn't deal with that ever again, and if for some reason I ever did get pregnant, abortion would not be an option. The dOctor said it would take a miracle for the father to get anyone pregnant. Well, I'm here to say miracles do happen, after only about 2 or 3 Months of dating. I kept the child, and the father left us while I was pregnant. I had a very difficult delivery, but I loved this baby more than anything on earth. Never did get him interested in the kid. When my son was a little over a year old, I met a guy, we fell in love, I got pregnant again when my son was 1-1/2. The guy couldn't handle it & insisted on abortion. I thought about it, that it would be a pretty perfect age difference for the son I had, etc., but I was unemployed and couldn't foresee providing for another child. I couldn't face doing it alone again, either. I also felt quite a stigma about being single with 2 kids by different men. The "guy" this time, although we had a relationship, had 3 kids and didn't want anymore & couldn't provide, etc. He also immediately became scarce and emotionally distant. He made it clear the whole situation was unwanted. So I had another abortion. Physically it was horrible. I almost died of infection. It was excruciating. But for some reason, I didn't feel too bad emotionally. I thought, since I had gone through all the therapy I must've learned how to cope with it. Funny thing. The guy came back about 2 years later & started talking about how old the kid would be & what it would be like, etc., etc.......I hadn't even known guys had those feelings. For them it seems so easy. But my god it made me angry. Now, years afterward, this one is bothering me. Actually, it tortures me. My son is lonely for a sibling. Everytime he brings it up (which seems like alot), I plunge into a depression. I'm lonely for more children. I wanted more kids, but now I'm about to turn 39, and hopes are flagging. Plus my son is 9, now. It's a pervasive, grieving, lonely, guilty, awful pain, that grips me, (especially at night) in it's icy claws. It just seems like this one will NEVER go away. The second time I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyway. That's what seems so unforgivable. I already knew that I definitely preferred a real live baby to the painful memory of an abortion. But that didn't stop me. I keep hoping I'll wake up and this will all be a bad dream. It seems like no one understands. People think I'm weird for even thinking about it still, let alone to feel bad. No one wants to talk about it. He would be 7 now. I always thought it was odd, how if you miscarry, or have a stillbirth or something, you get all this sympathy. But none if you abort. And it's even worse then, because it's something you did by choice, which makes you feel more guilty. I have a friend with 6 kids. She feels run ragged, but every time I see her, it opens the wounds. I could have that big, happy family scene, if I hadn't killed two children. I'm so sad.

  • (Name) Adriane
    I have had two abortions. One was forced, the other by choice, or lack of choice. The first time, I was 19. I knew I was ready to break up with my boyfriend and that he was getting too pushy for me. When I went to tell him, we ended up having sex. He said he would use a condom, and he did, but I think it broke. For a while we tried to stay together, but eventually we separated for a bit until I found out I was pregnant in January 1995. He offered to marry me but I knew he didn't want to. It eventually came down to where he felt that abortion was the right choice for "us". Us? Him, he meant. He was away at school the day it happened. One of my girlfriends took me, leaving her husband and baby at home. It was Feb.11, 1995. I walked in and sat down. When they called my name, I went up and paid $460. I found out I got a "discount" because I was a student. They did blood tests, ultrasounds, and a pelvic exam. I had never had one before then. I felt violated. It makes me sick thinking about how scared I was. I sat and talked to a lady before they took me back, to make sure, for her, that I was doing this on "my own". Sure. They took me to the room, the dOctor wasn't there, the nurse had me take off my pants and put my panties under the chair. I laid down and started to cry. I was so scared. I asked the counselor to stay with me and I held her and the nurses hand while he did it. I was so nervous, I clenched up and it hurt worse. I felt everything he did, even though they gave me pain killers. Toradol is supposed to kill all the pain, but unless you're given an IV, you can still feel sensations. IV's make me hysterical, and I didn't want to spend hours vomiting, so I said no. Eventually he was done. It was horrible hearing the suction as I laid there praying to God to forgive me. I swore nothing like that would ever happen again. The boyfriend was out of the picture. He eventually paid me back the Money and we never saw each other again. He never even gave me a Valentine's present, which was three days later. I went to classes on Monday like nothing had happened, and I didn't even tell my parents. They would be devastated. The second time it happened, I was 23. My fianc�ee and I were over 8 Months away from our wedding and I attend a Catholic college, though I am not. We had not been using protection other than my pills because we thought that was enough. I was sick, though, and found out later that can interfere with them. When I finally found out, he was willing to have the child, and I was too. I went to the dOctor and found out that the medication I was on caused severe brain damage and that because I had tried to take an overdose of my birth control pill, I could have seriously harmed the fetus. Was I pressured by this knowledge? Yes. Did I feel I no choice? No. How would I raise a handicapped child though? My mother teaches them, and I know that I don't want to be around them. I found that this knowledge of what I was going to do still haunts me, but I conferred with a dOctor and he told me that because of the pains I was having and the medicine I had taken, I was making the right choice. The second time was rougher for me. I had knowledge of what was happening, and my fianc�ee was so scared. I think he was more worried than I was. The actual abortion wasn't as rough, but I had NO pain killers this time, just naproxen, to relax my muscles. It was the afterwards, when I was passing clots that I laid on the floor curled up in a ball and cried. I know that what I did was the right choice for me at the time. And yes, I'm still pro-choice, but I don't feel that abortions are the right choice for alot of young people. I am a woman. I have the right to control my life and I take responsibility for what I did. No God I worship hates me for my mistakes, in fact, in the Bible it says "judge not lest ye be judge" My God knows my heart.

  • (Name)Elayne
    I am 38 years old. I have a great husband, no kids, and the opportunity for an excellent career move in the near future. I found out I was pregnant one week after my period was late. I did not tell anyone. I thought about the child I was carrying one very long week. At the end of that week, I made an appointment at the abortion clinic 25 miles from my home. The staff was kind and caring, and completely confidential. I had the abortion a week later, and feel nothing but relief. The procedure only hurt for a minute, and I feel fine now. It was the right decision for me, and a decision only I could make.

  • (Name) Kim
    I was 17 and attending a Christian school. It was my senior year and I was determined to have it all. I was cheerleader, soon to be homecoming queen, you name it and I was it. My boyfriend and I had been together for over a year now. I always knew in my heart if I were to ever get pregnant I would have an abortion. I was raised in a strict Christian home. You didn't drink, smoke, and you married as a virgin. I was trying so hard to quit having sex, afterall I felt guilty because I knew it was wrong in God's eyes. I quit taking the pill in efort to quit having sex. The very next Month I gave in to temptation and used the "pull out" method, it failed. I started getting morning sickness 1 week of missing my period which lasted to the day I had the abortion. I was horribly sick! I would vomit 24hrs. a day. If I took a drink of water, in less than 2 minutes I vomited. I would vomit so much at school, people started to notice. I kept telling my mom it was the flu, but I think she knew. Stomach acid was burning my throat all the time because I threw that up as well, every morning. I was more miserable from the morning sickness than the thought of being pregnant. In my family if you are unmarried and pregnant you are a disgrace. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone other than my boyfriend. I know my mom would have been so let down and ashamed of me, especially because I was supposed to be a virgin and I had a lot going for me. I know if I had wanted to keep the baby my family would have provided for me. The entire reason I chose to have an abortion was because I was SELFISH. I had my life planned out, college, a big wedding. I knew if I kept the baby my parents would never allow any of those to happen. Plus I was into my cheerleading and other activities at school. I was really horrible selfish. Adoption was not an option because the being pregnant and people knowing was the whole issue.I wanted to have the abortion and no one to know about it. So, I did (having to stop along side of the road going there to vomit). Protesters were horrible. They wouldn't leave me alone, they followed me all the way to the door harassing me. The procedure was fine. I was under general and felt no pain. I never felt any pain even afterwards. The people there were nice. Some of the nurses were my grandmothers age. After is was over they gave me cookies and 7-up. I did however have too much anesthesia. I could not see straight to even stand up or put my clothes on. I just wanted to sleep for a week. What really bothered me is what were they going to do with the baby afterwards? Where does it go? The nurse said pathology looks at it then it's buried somewhere. I know this sounds gross, but I would have given anything to have taken the remains home and buried them close to me. Anyway rumors spread and my mom got called to school to hear them. That night at home my parents asked me if it was true. I had an abortion. I burst out crying and said Yes. I think now it was just eating me up inside not telling. My dad being the abusive father he is called me a whore over and over. My mom just cried. She hasn't looked at me the same since. Oh were best friends now, but that's a subject we can't talk about. My dad for about 5years afterwards when we fought, would remind me that I was a whore and killed my baby. I knew God had forgiven me, so why couldn't he. I'm married now to a wonderful Christian man. In a few years or so we'll be trying to have a family. Yes, I wonder if I'll have a second chance at having a blessing. The anniversary dates bother me a little, but no one ever told me when it would have been born. I wonder if it was a boy or girl. My mother years later told me she would have done the same thing if she were me. This made me feel better. The thing is I honestly believe I would not have changed my decision if I could. Even though I'm a Christian,I believe abortion should be legal. I am not for abortions later than the first trimester, but I feel there ought to be a safe and clean place for women choosing abortion. I ended up becoming a Registered Nurse in Obstetrics. It doesn't bother me to work with pregnant women or babies. Most women I see have abortion histories in their past. Its more comMon than a lot of people think. I feel being a Christian and believing abortion should be legal is my own personal decision. I don't feel anyone has the right to judge for that but God. Thanks for letting me share my story with you

  • Terri
    I am 19 now, I had an abortion when I was 16. By now I thought I would be healed. I had been with my boyfriend about five Months when I found out that I was pregnant I remember it as if it was yesterday... My period was late by two weeks, I bought a test, then when my boyfriend came over I did the test with him. When the test came back positive, my legs became so weak, that I feel to the ground. I began to cry. My boyfriend was really supportive, he wasn't upset at all. I was so confused. I was so young, I had plans to go to college, start a career in law enforcement before considering having children. This baby would make that almost impossible and postpone it for several years. My parents are very loving and supportive, but this is one thing I still don't think they would have been able to handle. I knew what I had to do...terminate it. To this day, i still wonder about what my baby would have been like. It is especially hard when it's birth date comes around. I know in my heart it was the right thing to do, but there is and, will always be a part of me that regrets that decision. Some days are worse than others, where I get really depressed over the whole ordeal. I am now in the process of being promoted to cadet of my local police service, I graduated college with honors. I live on my own and I just bought a new car. I know that I would have never have had these things if I would have had my baby. To all those who have had an will get easier trust me, you will find peace, it may take a while but it will happen, just take your time, let the wound heal by it's self. One thing that helped me, was to write a letter to my baby. two things you might want to say is to explain to him/her how you feel, and why you chose to do what you did.

  • (Name) sue
    I am 26 yrs. old and about to have my second abortion in a week. I was 22 when I had my first one. The procedure went very well. I had it done in a hospital. I didn't experience any pain maybe just slight cramps. I was very groggy from the anesthetic I slept the day away when I got home.The reason why I had it was because I had a slight drug problem and I felt the fetus would have been affected so I didn't want to take any chances. My boyfriend was very supportive, we were both sad but we knew it was for the better. I always told myself that I would not have another abortion, but here I am 4 yrs. later in the situation again. I've done a lot of thinking and have decided to go though with it again. The decision didn't come as easy this time because my now fianc�e has a different option, he is ready to become a father but I am not ready to become a mother. I feel I am not emotionally ready at this time in my life. My fianc�e respects my decision and does support me.I do feel guilty and irresponsible doing this a second time but I guess this a decision I will have to live with.

  • (Name) Iva
    Hi, I am 19 years old and I have made the single most self-inflicting decision in my life. Last December I found out I was pregnant I couldn't have been more excited. But my boyfriend didn't share my excited feelings, he was in the process of a divorce and a baby right then them, just wouldn't be a good thing. Some how he talked me into having the abortion. Since them I feel worthless, I feel as if I don't deserve My boyfriends love or anyone else's. I often feel like dying is the only is the only way away from the pain and guilt. Everyday I miss my child Ryan Edward and everyday I morn for him. I wish I could hold him and love him. I wish I made the right decision and had the baby...

  • (Name) Kate
    I was a sophomore in a top college, studying occupational therapy. It was almost time for spring break, and I should have started my period that week but didn't. I had sex with my best friend 3 times the Month before- right after my period. We were inseparable friends, and it seemed to be a logical thing to do at the time. I knew i was pregnant before I got back from spring break, but kept hoping I might not be right. About 3 days later I did a home pregnancy test. At first I was pretty scared, but once I went to Health Services and had another test and dOctor's visit's and all, I got pretty excited about having a baby. The father wasn't so excited, but he said he would support me in whatever I wanted to do, and if I chose to keep it, he would move in with me and be there for me and the baby. I was about 12 weeks before I went home to tell my parents. I wanted to make sure I had everything in place first, financial aid, housing, everything. My parents were anything but thrilled. They gave me no choice but to have an abortion... and they wanted it done the next day. The soonest appointment I was able to get was a day after that, and I took it. I made myself not think about what I was doing, just put my heart away and do what had to be done. I was devastated. I never thought life would be the same again, and actually, it hasn't. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my baby, but I am doing so much better now. It was April when I had the abortion, and last Month, November, was when the baby would have been born. That was a tough Month, but I got through it okay. I even got a different sort of "baby" from my parents- a little puppy. He has been so good for me! I will always regret that I had the abortion, for my selfish reasons that I really wanted the baby. However, I understand that it was probably the best thing for all of us. The guy is out of the picture now, and has turned into a person I don't even know. I am glad that I didn't subject my child to him for the rest of our lives. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I would never do it again. I can't wait to get married and have kids, I have always loved kids and wanted a family. Last spring just wasn't the right time for it. I have devoted myself to school, and am not even dating anyone right now, but someday I will, and I will have my baby. Until then... I'll miss you baby.

  • I am seventeen years old and I had an abortion two weeks ago it was something I didn't really want to do ,but it had to be done. My boyfriend didn't want a child and I guess if that's what he wanted I had to make him happy. I made the wrong decision, I feel so empty and alone that I am not carrying my child anymore. He doesn't treat me the same and he doesn't like me to share my feels about how I feel. I regret doing what I did because I feel like a part of me is missing now I wish I would have found this web site sooner I think I would have done things differently I really wanted that baby more than anything I would do anything in my power if I could bring him or her back.

  • (Name) jen
    I was 15 and my boyfriend was 20. We told my parents that he was 17 so that they wouldn't freak out and break us up. He wanted an adult relationship and I agreed to it. After a few Months of this my period stopped. We went to a crisis pregnancy center for a free pregnancy test. They assured me that everything would be ok and if it was positive they would help me. I was scared. Petrified that it would be positive, but the test came out negative. My period still never came and eventually my mother realized that she hadn't washed any soiled underpants in almost 2 Months. So she brought home a test from the drug store and had me take it. This time it was positive. I must have been in denial or something because I pointed out that these things are never 100% accurate 100% of the time. Mom agreed and took me to the hospital where she worked and had one of her dOctor friends write me a serum pregnancy test order. A few hours later our family dOctor called and told my mom that I was pregnant. My dad was then told. I'll never forget the way he just got up out of his chair and walked to the kitchen window without even a word to me. I saw his shoulders move up and down as he cried. I didn't see his face but I knew he was crying. The next day I told my boyfriend about the baby. He was excited about becoming a father and asked me to marry him. I said yes, but later when I told my parents the good news they said no. Dad told me that if I was just a few years older he would sign the parental consent papers for marriage and sign custody over to him, but a 15 year old had no business being married and that I was so young it wouldn't work out anyways. I was also told that they did not want to be stuck raising my children and if I kept the baby I would not be living at home. Since I could not marry the father I had to decide what I was going to do. Dad told me that I was never to see my boyfriend again but we still talked on the phone. I wanted to learn more about my options so I asked. I made the mistake of asking about abortion first. The next thing I knew my parents were on the phone to a clinic making an appointment and asking for time off of work so that they could take me down. I still was not given any information on what it was exactly or what was involved or how it was done. I wasn't sure I wanted to do this but the appointment was already made, I was expected to and I was told that if I didn't I wouldn't be allowed to live at home. I didn't know about the unwed home and I had no Money and no place to go. My parents took me out of state to have it done, we went to Buffalo the night before and stayed in a motel close to the clinic. The date arrived and we got up early and went out to breakfast. Pancakes. As we were walking up the sidewalk some prolife men were standing there with signs. One of the men showed me a sign of a unborn baby with his thumb in his mouth. I can still hear those words "See? Your baby can already suck his thumb?" A stab of pain filled my heart but was quickly replaced by anger. Who the hell were these people who thought they could hurt me like this!! But I should have listened to them. They were the only ones who wanted to save both me and my baby. once inside I told the secretary who I was and gave her the $300. I sat down to wait for the dOctor who hadn't even arrived yet. After he finally got there he wrote orders for pregnancy and blood type tests. We were then called in one by one and did the tests. A little while later a group of us was called in and we were given the results by a nurse. Then the counselor came in and told us that the fetus was just a clump of cells and not a baby. She said he would feel no pain as the nervous system wasn't there. She explained how the dOctor would use various sized rods one at a time to open the cervix, then he would insert a razor sharp, plastic, hollow tip into the uterus and turn the machine on. The cells would then be sucked into the machine. I later learned that it was sharp so that it could tear the baby apart while it sucked it in. We were all given a robe and led to a different waiting room and called one by one into the procedure room. When it was my turn the nurse helped me onto the table and into the stir-ups while the counselor held my hand. If it weren't for the counselor i think I would have had a breakdown. I'm glad someone was there to hold me. Things started happening like I was told they would and I was given a shot to reduce the pain. But the pain was still intense and very horrible. It felt like my insides were slowly being sucked into the machine. When I started crying the counselor squeezed my hand and told me everything would be ok and it was almost over. Finally it was over. The dOctor turned the machine off and left the room. He was a very cold man with no feelings it seemed. The nurse brought in a wheelchair and she and the counselor helped me into it. I was wheeled into the recovery room and helped into a bed. My blood pressure and temperature was taken every 15 minutes while I was told to lay back and relax for a half an hour. At the end of the half and hour I was told I could go. On the drive home I just laid in the backseat and cried. It felt like I left a part of my soul back at the clinic and I felt empty inside. The next day I called my Ex boyfriend and told him I miscarried. I listened while he cried on the phone. He really wanted that baby and it hurt him. I'm somewhat relived that I didn't tell him the truth. I might not be alive today. Afterwards I became very pro choice and became violently angry at anyone who expressed a pro-life opinion. I became severely depressed and tried to commit suicide 3 times and ended up in the psych ward of the hospital a few times. I became a total slut and started eating so much that I became very overweight. I disobeyed my parents often and did things on purpose to antagonize my father, like leaving used condoms around where I thought he would find them. I started having nightmares about a baby crying and me trying to get to him but not being able to find him. Now I have 2 girls and I have nightmares of them being torn apart by a suction machine and I hear them screaming and I try to run to them to save them but I never get there in time before they are dead. It gets worse in November, the Month that I had the abortion in.

  • (Name) Edith Meucci
    I have not personally had an abortion. But I suffer from one just the same. 10 years ago my youngest daughter had an abortion. I came home from work one evening and found my precious baby girl lying on the bathroom floor in a pool of blood. I called an ambulance and at the hospital I learned that she had an abortion that morning. She died. Her uterus was punctured, and he cut her bladder. She bled to death in our own home. Please, i beg you, even if you believe that the fetus is not a life and is just a clump of cells, this procedure is not safe. I found this out the hardway by loosing one of my own precious daughters. Think hard before you do this and don't let anyone push you. If the man in your life pushing for something that you do not want then he does not love you and he does not respect you.

  • (Name) Belinda
    I met my boyfriend on September 21, 1996. It was pretty much love at first sight. We were inseparable from the beginning. He was in a fraternity, so I went with him to their homecoming dance on October, 19. We got very intoxicated that night and had unprotected sex. A week after that I turned 20. We had a huge party and I got extremely ill. Over the next couple of days, my boyfriend kept telling my he thought I was pregnant. I bought a test to prove him wrong, but deep down I believed I was too. I went to his apartment to take the test, but he wasn't home. I took it anyway while talking to my best friend on the phone. I was very upset to see two lines on the test and took a second test. Same result. I waited for my boyfriend to get home and told him we needed to talk. He was very supportive. He put his arm around me, told me it would be ok, and we began calling dOctors to get a real test. I went to our Student Health Center on Nov. 3 to confirm that I was indeed! pregnant. After that day, my whole life changed. My boyfriend was set on abortion and I was too scared to tell him no. We searched for the best, yet still inexpensive, abortion clinic. We found one a couple hours away and set the appointment for a few days before Thanksgiving. During those few weeks, I felt so much emotion. Feeling a baby grow inside you is such a miraculous feeling. I remember I did have a few cravings. I loved Chinese food. My boyfriend would always buy it for me, he was very sweet. On the night before the abortion we stayed at my friend's apartment so no one knew we would be leaving early in the morning and ask questions. I was very scared and nervous. When I saw the clinic I began to get freaked. It looked so isolated and cold. We were buzzed in and sent through security. Then the wait started. We were there approximately four and-a-half hours. I went through counseling and the different procedures. The worst part of that was signing the paper that committed me to the! abortion. My name was finally called and I went into a room with four other women. We were told to take of our pants and underwear, leaving our shoes on, a wrap ourselves in a sheet. Our name was called and we went into the procedure room. There the nurse asked me if I wanted extra pain medication. I declined and then said yes. I'm glad I did. After I was prepped, the dOctor came in. He was very cold. He never said a word, just went about his daily job. I was ok until I heard the vacuum. Hearing my baby being sucked out of my womb was worse than the physical pain. Knowing that I couldn't turn back, I closed my eyes and prayed for it to be over. Five minutes later, it was. The dOctor left, still without saying a word. the nurse helped me to a recliner in an adjoining room and gave me pretzels and water. We were given our instructions and sent on our way. Because I was very disillusioned, the nurse walked me to the lobby and my boyfriend pretty much carried me to the car. I laid my head on hi! s lap and went to sleep, trying to forget the horrible thing I had just done. My boyfriend tried to cheer me up. He canceled plans with his friends, bought me a happy meal from McDonalds and rented a movie. Laughter seemed to be my only way to not think about what had just happened. Eventually, the laughter wasn't enough. A week later I began bleeding and cramping. There was no way for me to forget. I felt like I was being punished. It's been two years this Month since I Chloe's been gone. (I just knew my baby was a girl. My daughter deserved a name) It's very hard for me to talk about pregnancy, labor, babies, abortion, etc. I occasionally break, but I believed I was getting better. Until my best friend called to tell me she was pregnant. I should be happy for her, but all I can feel is resentment and anger. She gets to keep her baby, I don't. I've considered going off the pill and getting pregnant on purpose. I don't know if my boyfriend would support another pregnancy, but I want a baby so ! badly. It's a risk I'm willing to take. I find myself crying every day. I zone out and find it hard to concentrate. I become very depressed then purposely make myself laugh in order to hide my pain. My boyfriend feels I should move on and not "dwell in the past," so I can't confide in him. He doesn't understand what the big deal is. I guess only a mother could. I will always consider myself a mommy, even though Chloe was never given a chance. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I don't want to look for pity. I feel alone and the one person who can help me, I sent to heaven.
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