Stories form Women who've had abortions
Please remember as stated on the first page that these are the stories of many individual women, and are their personal views and feelings. Some have many different views, and different ideas about their experience. You may not agree with what they are feeling, or what they say. That's okay! The idea here is just to give women a chance to be heard about how they feel. If you've had an abortion, and need to talk about it right away, you can check out the I need to talk now! section
If you are interested in submitting your story, here's the link to Tell Your Story
- I was 19, a sophomore in college, when I found out I was pregnant. I had taken my birth control pills religiously, but became pregnant anyway. The father was my boyfriend, who I had been dating since I was 16. I'm an only child, and I knew my parents would be terribly disappointed in me for getting pregnant. In fact, they're against pre-marital sex. It was around finals time when I realized I might be pregnant. I remember I was sitting in the testing center when all of the sudden, a wave of nausea washed over me and before I knew it, I had vomited in fornt of 150 people. I went home and went to bed, thinking I just had the flu. Well, 2 weeks later I was still vomiting all day. I realized that I hadn't had my period the week I was supposed to, which was 3 weeks ago. My boyfriend took me to Planned Parenthood for a pregnancy test, which came out positive. Right away, we knew abortion was the only choice. I made an appointment for two weeks later. The morning of the abortion, I was filled with a sense of dread. My boyfriend took me to the clinic 2 hours away. The nurses and doctors were all very kind, in fact, a nurse even held my hand during the procedure. It was over before I knew it. They gave me antibiotics and BCP's to take and sent me home. The next morning, I woke up in a puddle of blood. My roommate came in and screamed, then called 911. I don't remember much other than the terrible pain. I remember someone asking me for my parents phone number, but kept telling the nurse that I couldn't tell my parents. She grabbed me by the hand and said, "You have a fever of 106. You have a massive infection. You are dying. I need to call you parents." That was the last thing I remember. My boyfriend had been called by my roommate, and he called my mom and dad. They flew in form California (I was in Seattle, WA). When I woke up, my mom and dad were there, along with a doctor. I started to tell my mom and dad how sorry I was, but they interrupted me, telling me that they love me, and I was going to be okay, and that was all that mattered. The doctor then told me that the doctor had perforated my uterus and small intestine during the procedure. A massive infection had set in, and to save my life, I had to have a hysterectomy at the age of 19. Girls, women, if you are pregnant and considering an abortion, please read the fine print on the consent forms. I gave up the ability to have children because I was embarrassed and didn't want to tell my mom and dad I was pregnant. I regret it every day of my life. It's been 5 years since my abortion turned hysterectomy, and I am married to a wonderful man. We adopted a baby girl 8 months ago. Please, please, PLEASE... realize that this CAN happen to you.
That's happened before 3 mouths ago. After i came form my summer holiday at the sea.I have a serious boyfriend who live far away form me,but we see each other 4-5 times in a year.So i was with him this summer and after he left i understood that i am pregnant.One day i wake up,because i should traveled and until i drink my coffee i felt that i wanna trow up 2 times,but because i am smokeing too i said to myself maybe is form the siggaretess early at the morning,cause my period was late only 2 days-for me this was normal.In day day time i felt that i wanna trow up again and then again and again till i got sleep.This night i didn't slept all night.When my mom wake up for work i wake up too and i go at the pharmacy to buy a test for myself.I go home and i did it.I saw that i am pregnant.The furst reaction -i start crying a lot and laughing like crazy.I didn't believe it.For the furst time i was happy and unhappy in the same time!I call to my boyfriend and i told him-he told me that he will call me later.So this day i told my mom that i am pregnant.She ask me what i wanna do.I said that for me is impossible to have a baby now,cause too many reasons.Furst i am 20,without job,without money,my boyfriend is so far away form me.And that everytime i imagine that my baby have a father.She tell me that i should decide.believe me people for me was so difficult and hard.My boyfriend told me that he wanna that baby too much.he wanna be a father and he wanna baby form me even if he had a kids before,but i think a lot for that and i said NO.So he came again in my country and he was next to me when i did it!I know that GOD will forgive me,because he see how was the situation and even now.But i can't forget this,this coming in my dreams sometimes!Forgive me GOD and give me a kids soon!
I wish a good luck to everybody!
- I am a 42 yr. old woman who had an abortion two weeks ago. The pain is incredible especially with Christmas upon us. I am single recently divorce with four beautiful children and one wonderful granddaughter. The choice I made was not easy but I felt it was the best choice for myself and all the others in my life. Now I need to begin the healing process. I know about grief you see, because I am a hospice social worker who works with death and grief on an everyday basis. This does not make things easier for me though. I know that God will forgive me but I need to learn to forgive myself. That is what I am struggling with. I hope in time the pain will decrease and I will find a source of comfort. Until then I am on the road to recovery and I try to find something positive everyday to hold onto. My other children help me with this since they are the lights of my life.
- I was recently divorced, with three children when I found out I was pregnant by the man I had been dating since the divorce. My kids' ages ranged form 6 months to 5 years. My two year old has just turned two a month before I got pregnant. Basically, the last thing I needed was another child at that time, so I did what I thought would be best for the child, the three I had, and my sanity. He and I had talked about having one together, but not for a few more years.
I made the decision, and he stood by me. There was no discussion about it, I just called a few places and made an appointment. The night we were supposed to leave for Ohio, I kissed all my children goodbye, because I thought I would never see them again because of what I was about to do. I took pictures of them with me to put on the nightstand at the hotel we stayed at, so I could look at their faces. I did not want to go through with it, but I kept silent.
The first appointment (I was 15 weeks pregnant, so it was a two day procedure) involved filling out paperwork, meeting with the counselor, getting an ultrasound to determine the number of weeks pregnant, having the procedure explained, breaking up into groups and having a discussion about how we arrived at our decision to have an abortion. I found out I was not alone in my situation. I wanted to change my mind and say forget it, but I kept silent.
After we left the clinic that day, he spent the day doing everything in my power to keep me focused on everything but the procedure, which was to take place the next day. He was great. I could not have asked for a more loving man.
The next morning, February 19, 2000, I woke up kind of jittery. We arrived at the clinic promptly at 9am. As we walked up the steps, I wanted to turn to him and tell him that I had changed my mind, but I kept silent.
We were called in one by one to the business office where we paid the balance of our fees. As I got up to go to the waiting area, I looked up and saw him through the glass. He winked at me, and I waved at him. I wanted to scream PLEASE STOP ME BEFORE I DO THIS, but I kept silent.
My group changed into the blue paper gowns they gave us to wear and went to our designated waiting area to wait for the physician to arrive. During that three hour wait, I met women form all walks of life. College students, high school students, and single moms like me. There were a couple women who were married, but for whatever reason, did not want more children. As the time wore on, nerves got frazzled. Those who came in pretty sure about the decision they had made, were starting to doubt themselves and spoke of getting up and walking out, but they, like me, did not. A few wanted to say they had changed their minds, but they kept silent.
Finally, one by one we were called to the room where the procedure was to be performed. I heard my name, and like the others before me, I stood up and followed the aide to the room, climbed on the table, and followed instructions as they were given to me. I kept looking at the door, hoping he would rush in like my knight in shining armor and rescue me, but he rushed not.
I can still here that awful vacuum in my head form time to time. It sounded like a vacuum with something caught in it. I can still feel the life being sucked out of me form time to time. Usually it only happens when I get my period. As I lay there, all I could think about was getting home to my three babies and telling them how much I loved and appreciated them. I felt so empty. Emptiness turned to numbness.
As we left Ohio, I started to cry. He pulled over once we got to a section of the highway where it was safe to do so, got out, came around to my side of the van and held me. All I could do was cry.
I wanted to keep my baby, but did not, I KEPT SILENT!
- I am a 20 year old college sophomore. I became pregnant at the beginning of October of 2000. I was dating my boyfriend of seven months at the time. One Saturday night, my roommate and I went to her cousin's frat party. There was a guy there who I started talking to. He seemed really nice and he invited to watch a movie with him and some of his friends. I didn't know where my roommate was and I wasn't drinking that night because I was the DD so I gladly accepted. He led me upstairs to a bedroom. When I walked in, no one else was in there. He locked the door behind him and eventually raped me. I screamed as loud as I could, but it was useless. I was in a frat house. Who was going to be able to hear me? It happened so quickly and then it was over. He got dressed and left the room. I remember laying there on the bed crying, wondering what I had done to deserve this. Why did this happen to me? I got dressed and went downstairs to find my roommate. As I was finding my roommate, I spotted the guy. He just looked at me long enough for us to make eye contact and then looked away. All I wanted to do at that time was to leave. I didn't want to be there anymore. I found my roommate and we left. I didn't tell her or anyone else right away. I felt so ashamed of what took place that night. I thought for sure it was my fault. It wasn't until two and a half weeks later that I had missed my period. I took a test and it was positive right away. I remember falling to the ground crying, scared. What was I going to do? I called my boyfriend that night and told him what happened at the party and that I was pregnant. He told me that he would support me in any decision that I made. Next, I told my closet friend and my mom. They were both supportive. It wasn't until two weeks later when I wound up in the hospital. The doctors didn't know what was wrong. A few days later, I was back in the hospital again. This time they found that my liver was shutting down due to the baby. I had to make a choice. Have an abortion and save my life or take the chance. I was crushed. What should I do? As hard as it was to make the decision, I knew what I had to do. I made the appointment for November 10. I didn't want to, but I was only 20 years old and I didn't want to risk anything. So on November 20th, I had an abortion. By this time, my boyfriend had broken up with me because he didn't know how to react with everything. I sat in that waiting room with my best friend for four hours crying the entire time. I watched as girls came out and saw the tears streaming down their faces. Did I really want to go through with this? Finally it was my turn. They led me back to an examining room that looked exactly like a doctor's examine room and did the procedure. I got my abortion done through Planned Parenthood. People I had talked to told me not to go through them, but I truly believe that was the best choice. They supported me and helped me to realize that I was making the best choice for me. Its been almost two weeks now and I am form time to time saddened by what I have done, but I know it was for the best. To all the girls out there who are deciding what is best for them, make the decision yourself. I did and I now truly believe I made the best choice.
- It's been five months, almost six. I was friends with "john" for about a year before the fateful day in June when we consumed entirely too much beer and did what so many people do...have sex, unprotected sex. I had never in my life done anything like that, and I feared pregnancy immediately. Strangely enough, John and I began to see each other and date. We also continued to have sex, always protected this time. We spent my 20th birthday together walking on the beach, and two days later, it occurred to me that I was late. As a precaution, I bought a test. It was positive. I took three more. They were all positive. I didn't cry or freak out, I calmly began to consider my options.
I thought about my financial situation and his, and things like child care, health care, college, and diapers. This was possible, I thought, to have this baby. We weren't 16 year old kids. I was 20, and John 24. We were adults and had made a mistake, which we had to pay for.
When I told him, his response was shock, and for the first time in our short relationship I saw no emotion, no tenderness, nothing. He said that it was my decision and he would support me. Then he said, "But just so you know, I'm not ready to be a father. Nor do I want to be." I thought for several days about it, and tried to talk to him. He was noncommittal, avoided my calls, and when I did talk to him he talked about everything else but my pregnancy. Finally, in desperation to keep him, I told him I was going to have an abortion. He was much more attentive, and offered to pay for the entire thing and drive me there. I felt that he would be there, and maybe someday there would be other children.
The day, July 22, was awful. I was sick, and he showed up late and didn't even get out of the car, just honked the horn. He acted like nothing was happening as I cried and shook and almost threw up the entire way. the procedure was actually easier than I thought it would be, once I was unconscious. Everything before that was torture. I cried and cried as I looked at all the other girls who were going through the same thing. The nurse made me write "THIS ABORTION IS MY CHOICE" and sign my name. That hurt the most, because it wasn't. Not entirely. I woke up in pain, and feeling hollow. I regretted everything I had just done and missed my baby so much I thought it would never stop hurting.
Of course, you can all guess what happened next. John waited exactly 6 days, then told me that he didn't think we were right for each other, and he wasn't ready for a relationship. He swore up and down that he loved me as a friend, and he would be there for me to talk about what we had gone through together. That was July 28th. I haven't seen him since.
I lost everything, my self-respect, my self-esteem, my belief in love, my boyfriend, and my unborn baby. He is fine, going on with his life as if nothing has happened. I still cry and hurt and miss my daughter that I never let become a woman. He didn't think we should, and I was too weak to disagree. I've learned a lot, though. I learned about what I want to be, who I want to be, and who I want to be with. Those are tough lessons to learn, and I wish I didn't have to learn them the way that I did.
- My story is really strange!
I had a boyfriend who i met before 9 months before.he live so far away form me.In USA i am in Europe,but we see each other often.before also 3 mouths i made my abortion.I felt very bad and now too.I feel bad,because my boyfriend wanted the baby too much me too,but the problem was that we live far away form each other and we can't be together right now.When i grow up i imagine that i will make a wonderful wedding furst and then when i am pregnant i will have a husband who will take care for me and who will be next to me to see how my stomach grow up every day and who the baby coming to the world,but that was a dream!I know that i have a chance to married yet,cause i am only 21 years old,but if i had this baby everything will turn around.Don't understand me wrong people.My boyfriend have a kids too form his ex-wife and he live far away.I am not a student i don't work i live with my parents and for me was so hard to keep that baby.Yeah he was so happy and he pray to me to keep it,but it wasn't easy like he thing.The most good thing that he did is that he was next to me when i made abortion.He touch my face,cause my tears coming like a river,just because i was a pregnant for the furst time and even when he wanted our baby i didn't keep it,cause the situation!Ithink that GOD will forgive me,because i really feel bad.I don't wanna pay for this.I wanna have kids,but when i feel that i can take care for them and when i have a man next to me,not for away 12 hours with a plain like now!My boyfriend promises me that wee will have a kids,but furst i should live with him or married him!And he is not even divorced yet!You see now,cause was impossible to keep it,because my baby will never had a normal father if i gave him a chance to coming to the world.I grow up without father i know very good what is this!I wanna the best for my kids!!!
I think that you will understand me and GOD will forgive me and will gave me a chance for more kids soon!
I wish the best to everyone!
- I'm currently 22 years old and found out about 2 weeks ago I'm pregnant again for the 7th time. I have 3 children living. I had my first abortion after I was left by my husband. I found out he cheated on me. So he left. I continued to have sex with him in hope he would leave the woman he was with. I never told him this was the reason I continued to have sex with him. I hoped he would realize what he was missing and return home with me and his child. After I realized he was not gonna come home I decided to join the army. I had to cross many paths to get into the army. It took about 6 months for me to actually get in. Once I was about 2 weeks form leaving I fould out I was 6 weeks pregnant. I was upset. I was pregnant by my husband and he was no where around. I wasn't gonna be able to enlist into the army pregnant. After such a long wait. I felt the only thing I could do was have a bortion. That's what I did. I didn't have time to cope with my decision. I went directly off to basic training. I'm happy basic training kept me busy so I would not have to think about it as much. I finished with basic training and was in the army. I ended up pregnant again. Not to mention still married and not pregnant by my husband. In the army that is a big issue if you sleep with someone other than your spouse. I had to get rid of the baby. I couldn't afford to get in trouble with the army about being pregnant. I had another abortion. All because of the army. Now I'm pregnant again. I'm about 2 months. I just found out the guy who I'm pregnant is deciding to go home where his daughter is at. He said he will be back but I'm not gonna trust it. I'm gonna get another abortion. I know you may be feeling I have no heart or remorse. Both of those are wrong. I continue to make the wrong decision and The wrong person is having to suffer form it (baby). This will be my third abortion and they always say 3 strikes and your out. This will be my last abortion and I don't care what the next situation may be.
- I am a 37 year old mother of three beautiful children. 6, 4 and 2 years old. I am married in a solid relationship. My husband adores his children and they adore him. I had three children in 4 years all planned and wanted. My husband is ten years older than me, 47 years. I did find 3 busy and said that three was enough and he should think about a vasectomy.
My husband works hard, long hours we are not well off, but we get by and are comfortable. I am a full time mother at home by choice. Next year I was looking forward to going back to work part time as the children were getting older and attending school and pre school. I was happy to be finally getting out of the nappies and out of the house a bit. Although I do enjoy my days with the children and feel lucky I can be at home while they are young.
My husband said he will get to the Doctors eventually and get an appointment. I was on the pill we were not having anymore. I was shocked to find out I had fell pregnant on the pill. I took the pill everyday but one particular day instead of taking it the usual time in the morning I forgot and took it in the evening. That was all it took.
I remember waiting to get my period which should start on the day of the gold section in the pack. They didn't come. I didn't panic they must be on the way, 2 weeks later and feeling that familiar morning sickness I rushed out to the chemist and brought a pregnancy test. It was positive. I slumped on the bed and cried.
This was not in my plan,we were having three children I wanted to give the ones I have what I could. What about my age, my husbands age, thoughts went running through my mind, mainly negative ones of why having a 4th would be so hard.
My husband was shocked, he said he would support me either way, it was in the end my decision. I only told my mother who now I wish I had not. She made it sound all so simple. You don't have to have it.Your getting older, what if something was wrong with the baby.
What about things financially. You were not going to have anymore you can still stick to that plan.
It all sounded so simple. My husband bought up other issues, the stress level rise in the house. The tiredness, three young ones in 4 years, do you want to do it all over again? Our age, lifestyle.
I was so confused, why did this happen to me and ruin my plans. How can I decide when only 2 years ago I was walking out of maternity ward, how could I not want this one. I cried everyday, one day I was having it, the next I was not I was swinging to and for. I was not naive about raising young children sometimes it is hard work and some days you just want time to yourself but they are so precious.
I went to the Doctor with my dilemma.
I was confused and told me to come back in a week or so. Another week of me feeling sick and tired, hormones going crazy crying at the drop of a hat. Looking at my 3 beautiful children thinking how can I not want this one.
My husband was concerned having trouble with the moral issue of it all. But had a gut feeling that 3 was enough. Somehow we decided that
we wouldn't have it. It is a quick procedure, at 7 weeks it is best emotionally for the mother so we were told. We thought everything would be back normal as if we pretended it never happened. I remember walking into the clinic (it was only three months ago) crying and crying thinking why am I doing this. I think I was so tired confused and tired of having to decide that this would make it all go away.
I cried filling out forms. I told my husband that I don't know what I am doing. I cried in the counselors office. Now looking back she made it feel all so O.K. She said things like, you know it is the most common operation in the world. one in three women have abortions.
Some women come without telling their husbands because they know they do not want anymore children. It is simple and quick she told me, oh and of course you know it really is a mass of cells at the moment that is a tiny ball smaller than your fingernail. I signed the paper. I remember driving home with my husband still feeling tired form the antiseptic and I thought well it is over.
The next day I had a heavy period felt a little tired. We went to the park with the kids. All of a sudden it hit me. What I had done, I saw families, pregnant women, young babies. I began to cry so much we had to come home. I sobbed and sobbed. For the past three months I have never felt so much pain and grief and guilt.
My husband also now realized that the regret and emotional trauma is huge and know one told us. He sees the sorrow in my eyes everyday and tells me to be strong for the three that need us now. I cry every day
and one day searched the internet and was so glad to find this site. To know that I am not the only one. Especially to know that there are other mothers out there that have been through this traumatic experience.
I now realize that I just needed some possessive thoughts about having a 4th. I rushed into it at 7 weeks. Had I of waited I would off accepted the pregnancy and gone on. My husband wishes he walked me out of the clinic, but looking back we were all on the same track of thinking. I wish I could turn back the clock so bad. I wish I could say instead of 3 months ago I terminated my pregnancy,I am three months pregnant. There are so many if inlay's I torture myself with.
The sad thing is that little baby could have come into a life with a loving mum and dad and great siblings and we didn't allow it. I feel selfish for evening questioning why I shouldn't have had it. I was not a single mother, in a bad relationship,or too young and alone. I have a great deal of trauma asking myself why did I do it.
I would advise do not rush into anything take your time, discuss your situation with someone outside of problem. I now know the love you have for your child is worth more than anything. Any job, any kind of lifestyle. You never regret having your precious children but there is a huge regret if you don't have it. Thank you for listening to my sad story.
- I am 21 years old and I had my first abortion on May 9, 2000 and my second abortion on October 28, 2000. Talking about a rough year for me. Now let me explain before you start jumping to conclusion. My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. In April, we decided we needed time apart form each other so he packed up his things and left our apartment. It was I thought the hardest thing I would ever have to go through. I was completely miserable and didn't know what to do. So I decided to go out after work with other co-workers to bars and have some drinks. Which I did alittle to often. Well on April 9th I got completely trashed and this bar and could not drive home. One of my co-workers sat outside with me for alittle while because I was hoping to sober up quickly. Well one thing lead to another and we ended up having sex in the back seat of my car. Two weeks later I was at work and past out. They ended up taking me to the hospital and I found out that I was pregnant. I cried my eyes out thinking how stupid could I have been having sex with this guy that I really did not know and especially without a condom, and now I am pregnant. I didn't know where to go or who to turn to. I called my co-worker and told him he needed to come over because we needed to talk. He came over and I told him and that is when I found out that he was engaged to be marry in 6 weeks. That was another stab in my heart. Then he tells me that he will not support me in any way if I decided to keep it, better yet he says he will sign away all parental rights to where I could never take him to court to get money out of him. He was screaming saying this is going to ruin his life and that I was such a slut for sleeping with him. And I was like it takes to honey not just me, so if your looking to blame somebody you need to look at yourself too. After that conversation ended I could not stop crying. I had no idea on what to do. I did not want to call my parents and tell them that I am pregnant with some strange mans baby who is about to get married. My parents would die. So I called up my ex. He came over and just held me in his arms for hours. He was saying everything he could to try and calm me down. He told me he would support me in what ever decision I was going to make. So I made a list of pros and cons to try and help me out because I was so lost. It took me two weeks to decide to have the abortion. It was the scariest time of my life. My ex ended up taking me to the clinic and I was so nervous my body would not quit shaking. He kept putting his hand on my leg and telling me that everything was going to be O.K. Well we get to the clinic and I fill out all of the paperwork. They call my name and I went back into this waiting room and watched a video on the actual procedure of the abortion minute by minute. It had me in tears. They call my name again but this time it was for the taking my temperature, checking my blood pressure and taking blood. As soon as that was done I went into this other room and they did the ultrasound. I could not even look because I did not want to see it. So now that all that is taking care of they put me the room where it is going to take place. I legs are shaking so bad I thought I was going to be sick because my stomach was in knots. The nurse came in and started my IV and then gave my anthestia because I was having the deep sedation. The doctor came in and said what he needed to say and I was knock out. I wake up and felt fine(physically). They asked if if I wanted to stay and talk to a counselor and I was like no, I just want to get out of here. So I put my clothes on and I leave. It was about 10:00am when I left. I fell asleep in the car and did not wake up until 4:30 the next morning. And again physically I was fine but emotionally that is a different story. I thought I was just the biggest screwed up in the world. I kept telling myself this is what you get Natalie for not thinking. I put myself down so many times I thought I was worthless, I still think that sometimes now. Me and my ex decide to get back together and I pretty much keep it behind me. I try not to think about it at all, but some days are just so hard that I don't think I am going to make it. A couple of months go by and things are starting to make sense again and they start looking good.
Then on October 6 I take a pregnancies test and it comes out positive. I was so excited but yet so afraid of what my boyfriend was going to say. I was thinking he would be some what happy but boy was I wrong. When I sat him down and told him, the first thing out of his mouth was when are you going to have the abortion? I was like what are you talking about? He could not believe that I would actually want to keep this baby. He thought I was being completely selfish. Told me that I am to irresponsible, worthless,and still a little kid myself that it was stupid for me to think that I could raise a baby. He said your even responsible enough to take your birth control every day how on earth on you going to take care of a kid. That right there crushed my heart until a thousand pieces. I could not believe that the man I love and the man that I thought loved me could sit there and say all those bad and negatives things to me. He basically told me I had to choose between him or that baby. It took me three weeks but for some reason I choose him. So I go back to the clinic and have everything done to me all over again. And it has been hell for me. Everyday I am wondering why did I make that choice was it the right choice. Can I be any more selfish. I hate a big part of me for not listing to my feelings and doing what he wanted me to do. I know my body is shot to hell now,and I am so afraid that because of this I have lost any chances on having a child. If you really sit down and think about all the stress I have put my body in the past 6 months. All the scar tissue I now have. Am I going to even have a healthy baby now if I can even get pregnant. I have dreams all the time about being pregnant. I cry all the time. Wondering how did I ever get to be so stupid. Is God going to punish me for making the mistake happen not once but twice in one year. I don't know I am ever going to get over any of this. I did learn alot form these two incidents I just wish I could of learn in some other way then this. But they say you never know any thing or know how you will handle a situation until you are actually in that situation.
- I got pregnant when I was 16 years old. I had an abortion at 8 weeks, and it was the best decision of my life. I didn't even think twice. As soon as the tip of the indicator wand turned blue, I opened up the phone book and dialed my local Planned Parenthood to make an appointment. I was so disgusted with myself for being so stupid. I was also disgusted with myself for that entire week I had to wait around before my appointment. Pregnancy is revolting! The very thought of it makes me nauseated. I couldn't wait to rid myself of the parasitic creature in my womb. When I finally went in, I had a smile on my face. No regrets whatsoever. I practically did cartwheels into the exam room. I went with my boyfriend and my parents, who happily paid for the procedure. The doctor was amazed - he said he had never seen anyone so nonchalant about getting an abortion before! In response, I simply shrugged my shoulders. I also asked him if he could tie my tubes while he was at it, but he said no. I either have to wait until I am 25 for that, or else until I have three kids. Well, I NEVER want children, but he also said there is a possibility of getting it done if I have a note form a psychologist. Right now I am a 21 year old police officer. I'll find a doctor to do it for me.
I TOO HAD AN ABORTION. AND I STILL CRY TO THIS DAY, THE BABY'S FATHER WANTED TO KEEP
IT BUT I HAD NO CHIOICE, I WAS GOING TO COLLEGE IN 2 MONTHS
AND HE LIVED AN HOUR AWAY FROM ME. HE ALREADY HAS A KID BUT THAT DOESN;T MATTER. I
DIDN'T WANNT MY CHILD TO BE RAISED ON TRAIN RIDES BACK AND FORTH.
I VOW TO HAVE HIS KID AGAIN ,HE IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE
I KNOW I WON'T FORGIVE MY SELF UNTIL THEN
- I had just broken up with my boyfriend of three years and started seeing someone else. When we first started seeing each other I didn't think of it as a serious relationship. He was still married and had four children, three by his wife. But his marriage was unhappy, and we had a lot of fun together. Then it became more serious and we started to have strong feelings for each other. I found out that I was pregnant shortly after we became more serious. I kept it to myself for a few days. I knew he wouldn't be happy about it, and I wasn't sure how I felt. When I told him, he was in shock and because of his situation and both of us not being financially capable we talked about having an abortion. He never pressured me into it, but I knew he didn't want the baby. I was scared, and I decided to have the abortion. Right afterwards I felt guilty and sad. I felt such a feeling of loss for something that I never even had. I imagine what our baby would have looked like. I have worked with pregnant women at my job ever since shortly after my abortion. It is very difficult to be around them. I see baby's that would be about the same age as our baby and it makes me very sad. I also have two cousins that are pregnant right now. It seems that I am constantly hearing about being pregnant and being around babies and it is very difficult. I am still with the same man almost a year later. I love him very much, but I know that both of us would have had a very hard time financially with a baby. Most of the time I still feel that I probably made the right decision, but I am still very hurt. I feel lost and lonely, and I feel as though no one would understand. The only other person that knows about the abortion is the father, and he has so many other problems to deal with that I don't even talk to him about it. I cry a lot. I thought it would get easier but it hasn't. It's just as hard now as it was one month after. I'm only hoping that one day I will somehow be able to get past this. I'm scared that I will not be able to get pregnant again. I didn't want a baby when I was pregnant, but now I want one more than anything in this world. I just pray that one day I will have one.
- My abortion was in 1976. I had recently been divorced. I found myself alone with a 4 yr. old.I was 22, naive and very misinformed. I was at my sister's house and an old friend came by to visit. Needless to say we hit it off. That very night we had sex. Back then, sex meant love and I craved being loved. We saw each other for a couple months until I felt a distance growing between us. The distance turned out to be his wife. He neglected telling me he was married. Perhaps, it was me who forgot to ask. Anyway, they got back together and moved out of state. Shortly there after, I found I was pregnant. When I went to his father for his address, he gave me a bogus phone number. I never did find him. Instead, fear grew inside me. The fear was that my dad would reject me if he knew. I had gotten pregnant right out of high school and he didn't handle it well. We never even talked about it. Of course, growing up in a family where no one talked about anything important,it probably didn't cross my mind to sit down with him and talk about what was going on with me. My parents never wanted to know the bad stuff, only the good. So, off to the abortion clinic I went. It was a horrible experience. After it was all over, I got dressed, walked out the door and never looked back. My life since that time has been filled with abusive, emotionally unavailable men and years of major depression, with a sly little voice in the back of my mind telling me to die. How I came upon this idea of PASS, was in watching Touched by An Angel, last Sunday. As I watched, my heart began to hurt and the tears began to fall. My daughter would have been 24 yrs. old this year. In those 24 yrs., I refused to even think of her until last Sunday night. My best friend is a therapist, I immediately contacted her and I begin treatment today. I'm not looking forward to this but, I know that I will die if I don't. I'm kinda afraid of dying by my own hand, you know God and all. . Thanks for taking the time to read my story. May God bless us all. Mo
- I had thought I met the most wonderful man in the world. To make a very long story somewhat short.I got pregnant, neither of us were ready to spite our age (31) and our education both have masters degrees, he also has a JD. I had just landed my dream job and was on top of the world, I moved 2,000 miles across the country to take this position, and was also looking forward to spending time with my friend who I will call David, I considered him my best friend best buddy, I can't really say i loved him it was still to soon, but there were things about him I loved, or so i thought. I had been in Los Angeles 5 days before I found out I was 9 weeks pregnant, I was so afraid David would not understand and was also afraid this would cause problems, forcing us to deal with an issue we were not ready to. I didn't tell David I was pregnant instead I did what I knew he would have wanted, i had an abortion, skipping many of the gory details I ended up in the emergency room with a baby still inside me, I had been pregnant with twins, something the clinic had failed to see. David was not there even though i called him and pleaded with hm to help me.. talk to me anything, I was alone in a big city no real friends(except for him or so I thought) and no family 2,0000 miles form home and scared to death. The abortion went on to cause many many problems in my life. I felt so guilty. David had turned his back on me for being so needy and calling constantly,he had no idea why i was acting like I was, so out of control, now i look back and see he didn't care why I was so upset. I still had not told him, i couldn't I just longed for his comfort and maybe thinking he would provide me with some kind of relief. When David and i did talk it helped me I felt a connection with the babies I had destroyed. i was suffering form PAS and did not know it. I tried to commit suicide the pain and guilt were just to much for me to handle. I was driving David crazy and he had no idea why. I lost my job, couldn't get OT of bed, drank, shopped and walked out of stores without paying, I had money but I was so out of it I couldn't concentrate. I would call and yell at
David say mean and nasty things took out all my anger on him.. but continued to beg for his help i was going to tell him but he never
gave me the chance, I was overcome with grief, i wanted to die I
wanted my babies, everywhere I went i saw or hear babies and would have to run to the bathroom and be sick, I had nightmares every night. I ran into a wall one night after drinking(with my
car)about 15 stitches later i knew I could no longer live like this, after months and months of begging David( I felt he was the only person i could talk to I trusted him and after all they were his babies too) i spoke with a rabbi we put together a memorial service for the babies and I made a donation and bought 2 trees as a memorial with both of our names on them, mine and David's last names. i still think about the babies.. David is gone for good.. that is what he wants... and the nightmares have stopped for the most part. I lost 2 babies and a man i thought was sent here straight form heaven just for me, i had never laughed more than i did when I was with him and I cried more than I ever have because of him. There is not a day that goes by that i do not think about the 2 babies and David.. but i forgive myself I had to or it was going to kill me.. David knows about the babies I had to write him a letter and confess to him, it was part of my healing process,...I am still waiting on his
- I am 31, married for 11 years and have 2 girls (ages 10 and 3). I have had three abortions. I am sick to my stomach each time I think of it. My reasons were as good as any and still to this day I question them. The first one I had was when my 10 year old was just barely turning 11 months. My husband and I were living with his parents and he was out of work. I couldn't expect that our future would change and I had a lot of fear of what was up ahead. I cried and felt disgusted with myself (still do). I admonished myself over and over. I really think that I blamed my husband for being too agreeable and not saying, "no matter what, we can handle it together". But I am sure that he was even more scared of the idea of another child than I. I counted each day like I was still pregnant. I forced myself to memorize what an 11 week fetus looked like. I cried until the day this child might have been born. The next abortion was three years later. I had suspected that my husband was cheating on me and I couldn't imagine raising another child with him. He was, once again, very agreeable, but treated me with disdain immediately following the abortion. So bad, that a friend of mine came down and took me away for the weekend to recuperate. Our marriage was very unstable and not happy. I hated myself more. I couldn't understand that knowing how bad I reacted the first time to an abortion that I would do it again to myself. As we worked through all our miserable issues and developed a better marriage, I wanted to make up for what I had done (if possible) so I tried to get pregnant. I did. In 1997, I had our second child. But then, in 1999 I had my third abortion. It was just as awful and mores. I knew exactly what I was doing. I was shaking and vomiting at the idea of what I knew I was going to do. I cried throughout the whole procedure and begged the doctor to end my life too (I don't remember, it was a haze, but it is what the doctor told me). I did try to kill myself in my drugged stupor. Thinking that the mixture of the drugs and vicuna would do it, I sawllowed as much as I could before my head hit the pillow when I arrived at home. It just made me sleep very deeply. I knew that mentally I could not take another abortion. I told my husband that I could not and would not ever do this again. I told him he had to get a vasectomy (he did). I never knew that there was such a "syndrome" as PASS. I always thought that this was what I deserved and any agony I might experience is just part of what I get for what I did. I told our marriage counselor a few years ago that I didn't feel like I bonded with our second child and that I lost the connection to our first one. She attributed it to our problems. I now have seen this as a partial explanation of PASS. I want so badly to figure all this out so that I can give my children a mother they can hold dear to their hearts and learn life skills form. Right now, I am just a distant person. I don't get bonding or how to do it and that is more a concern that my own issues. I wish I never had these abortions. I would much rather struggle with the duties of 5 children than with guilt of this magnitude. But that is how I feel. I know in my head that my husband and I would not have survived the stress of that heavy duty.
- I had an abortion in 1987. I was 18, just started college and wanted my life to be just the way I planned. I knew I was pregnant before I left for college but was in serious denial. Boyfriend was out of the picture. When I could no longer deny it, I went to a Planned Parenthood and they confirmed my fears. I made an appointment at a clinic and arrived in the middle of a huge protest Police escorted me to the clinic while protestors shoved pamphlets in my face and threw water on me (not sure what that symbolized?). I was too far a long for that clinic and had to go to a special clinic for my "procedure". I called my aunt for money who in turned notified my parents. My mother is / was so concerned about what the neighbors would think - she went along with whatever I wanted - as long as I would make everything better. To this day - the abortion is there - between us.
I had the abortion - over 2 days - and returned to college as though nothing happened. My mother warned me never to tell a future boyfriend for they would never want to marry a murderer. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I was glad things were back to "normal", but scared because I didn't feel guilty. Today I realize I was just surprising all those feelings. I have certain pings of guilt - mostly in religious aspects.
It has been 13 years. I am not married but in a 12 year relationship - and yes I told him and he stills loves me. I have always said I wasn't interested in having kids and really to this day do not enjoy being around babies. PASS? Maybe? I know that the abortion was the right thing for me at that time. I can't regret what happened so many years ago, but I can not deny it has tremendously shaped my life. I would have a 13 year old son - and yes, I do remember the abortion date and the projected due date every year.
I only wish I had known as an 18 year old that it is impossible to "make it all go away" or "put things back to the way they were". Your life is forever changed by that moment. I am not saying I would have changed it - I probably wouldn't - I have chosen to not grieve for what I did - I was 18 and young, but I do grieve for what I don't have and may never have because of that moment.
I am not giving advise because every woman must make their own decision - just know it is a decision you will never forget.
I'd always been the shy quiet type. Guys never really approached me, but when they did I would shy away. Well the summer of my freshman year in collage I met a guy, well man. He was 32 and at the time I was eighteen. I didn't start out physical, I didn't want it to be physical at all. I was a virgin, and as you can tell by his age, he was very experienced. He would try to kiss me and persuade me to have sex with him.
I started to feel a connection to him and I didn't want to lose him. I felt him wavering. So I gave in, but not complete. Just as he was about to penetrate I told him I wasn't ready. He kept pushing telling me it was meant to be. At the time date rape never crossed my mind, but in the end I knew he'd stolen form me the most precious thing I possessed, my innocence. I cried when it was over. I also had this funny feeling like something was wrong. Sure enough, my period was late. I panicked! By this time I was starting the fall semester of my sophomore year. I'd just turned 19. I asked a friend of mine to accompany me to the drugstore. When we got back to the dorms, I decided to take the test in her bathroom. I couldn't believe that the second line had shown up to tell me I was pregnant!Q I was shocked, and a bit embarassed. My friend advised me not to tell the father of my child, and to get an abortion.
After speaking with another friend I decided I would tell him. He took O.K. I told him that I wanted to get an abortion. He wasn't against it, besides he'd been married and had two children and a step child.
He would come and visit a lot. Then all of a sudden he was distant. Needless to say he wasn't there for me mentally or financially. I worked two jobs, and borrowed form friends to pay for my abortion.
I just had my abortion 11/14/00. I will never that day for the rest of my life. I can still here the suction machine sucking the life form baby. I am very depressed. I feel God will punish my sins. I regret my decisions, but also know there was no way I could support a baby on a $7.25 per hour. I hope one day I'll heal. But every time I see a commercial with babies adoring the screen I get teary eyed. Wondering what my baby might have looked like. I have just started my journey of healing, and though there will always be an empty space, pray I can hold on.
- It’s been 8 years, since my abortion and I still don't know what I’m feeling. Am I just sad, angry, and empty or feel guilty. I still have nightmares and think that I see what may be my child in my dreams. I have finally decided to write my story. It is time to start my healing.
I thought I was in love and could never live without my ex-boyfriend (I’ll call him Dan), how naive I was. When I became pregnant and told Dan, he immediately accused me of sleeping around and that it was not his, even though I never gave him any reason to doubt my loyalty to him. After a series of name calling and screaming back and forth, he finally calmed down and wanted to talk about our options. I told him that I wanted to have the baby with or without his support. For the next week he begged and cried for me to have this abortion. He had me up all night every night for a week with his immature and manipulative plan to have his way. There were so many odds stacked up against me.
Not only was my boyfriend of 2 years being unsupportive but I also come form a very traditional Catholic Italian family. We do not have pre-marital sex, no way, no how, NEVER. How ashamed my family would be of me.
After a week of this, I started to bleed heavily and went to the hospital. The hospital advised me that if I hadn’t miscarried yet, it might happen soon. I was devastated. I was so angry with Dan and blamed him for causing all my unnecessary stress, but I stilled loved him, and was blind to his selfish motives.
I went to my family doctor the next morning and had an ultrasound done. That’s when I fell in love; I saw her heartbeat, beautiful strong heartbeat. The technician advised me that my baby was healthy and very much alive.
I started to make plans for my daughter and me; I felt the bond that all pregnant women talk about. I talked to her and told her I loved her and sang to her.
That lasted another week; it was the happiest time of my life, until my Dan called me. He wanted to see me and he said he had something very important to tell me.
That day we went for a long drive in the country, it was so romantic and the weather was just perfect. I thought that he was planning a romantic proposal, and we were going to be this little happy family. Everything was working out well or so I thought….
Then something shocking happened, he pulled out a knife and told me that he was going to kill himself and could not live if I had the baby, what was I to do. I begged him to stop, tried to take the knife form him. After 2 hours of this I gave in, I thought that I couldn’t live with the responsibility that he killed himself because of “ME”.
The next day I made an appointment to have an abortion. I cried everyday, wishing and hoping that Dan had changed his mind and that this was all just a dream.
He did come with me the day of my abortion. He held my hand, and reassured me that everything was going to be okay. Now at 32 I know that he was not there to support me, or because he loved me, he was there to make sure that I went through with it, because right after I had the abortion while I was in pain both physically but mostly emotionally, he just dropped me off at home and left town for the weekend.
Oh, did he call me, a year later, and assumed that I still loved him and he apologized to me hoping to “work things out”. Within that very long painful and empty year, I was no longer the naive girl; I was a very bitter, angry woman. I hated him, but more than anything hated myself. I was supposed to protect my child and I didn’t. I let someone manipulate me into hurting my child!
I think about my baby all the time, and crave to touch her soft skin, hold her close to me and whisper gently how beautiful she is as she smiles and me. I crave to hear her laugh, her first teeth, and her first step and yes especially her first word, “mama”. Every time I hear the song “Tears in Heaven” I believe that my baby is looking down and waiting for me to explain why I did this.
So this is my story, I hope someday, when I leave this earth and we meet, that she forgives me for not giving her a chance, not protecting her, I want to tell her how sorry I am. How much I love and miss her. I still dream about her, this little girl with big eyes and dark curls, she calls out to me in my dreams to save her and I just stand there and can’t reach her. One day my little one, I will be there to save you…
This is dedicated to my little child, my lost soul.
You will always be in my heart, forever…
P.S. Please forgive me?
- I was 21 years old and thought I was in love. My boyfriend and I had been sexually active, but I thought the birth control pills would stave off pregnancy. I was wrong.
My period came up late, but I just kept hoping and praying that it would come. I asked my boyfriend what he would do if I was pregnant. He gave me a look that chilled me to the bone and said, "nothing, because if you know what's good for you you'll never do that to me".
I went to an after hours clinic and asked for a pregnancy test. I didn't want to go to the drug store and risk running into someone I knew. The next morning, the lab phoned with the results...I was pregnant. I cried the rest of the day. For some strange reason, an old boyfriend of mine decided to phone that very day and I spilled my heart out to him. For the next few weeks, he was my support.
I decided not to tell my boyfriend about the pregnancy, to just go and have an abortion. I came form a strict, religious family, I was in the middle of university and the father would probably dump me if he knew.
I had to wait awhile to get up the courage and the money for an abortion. In the meantime, I became very ill. I was nauseated non-stop and vomited frequently. I stayed in bed for hours at a time and took lots of Gravol. I explained it away by telling everybody that I had an inner-ear infection. It was fairly easy as my family and boyfriend lived out-of-town. My ex-boyfriend offered to go with me to the abortion, even lend me the money, but then his girlfriend found out and put an end to his help.
I had decided to go out of town for the procedure, so that I wouldn't run into anyone I knew. I took a bus to a strange city, in a strange country with what little money I had scrounged, alone. I stayed in crummy cheap hotel.
The morning of the abortion, I took a cab to the clinic, filled out some forms and was told to go to the back. There were many other girls there, some much younger than myself. The nurses had me change into a gown and did vitals etc. Then I was brought into THE room. A nurse did an ultrasound and estimated I was nine weeks along, then in came the doctor. The dilatation was the most painful, like a prolonged pap smear. The nurse held my hand and chatted with me to distract me. The doctor then stirred around in my uterus and then came the horrible suction! The doctor left the room when it was over and I was told to take my time getting up. In the empty room, I realized they had left the image of my baby on the ultrasound. I looked at it, and was suddenly filled with the realization of what I had just done.
Physically, I was fine, emotionally, I was a wreck.
I am now 29 years old, married to the ex-boyfriend who was so supportive. I don't know what happened to the other guy...I dumped him soon after the abortion. We have a little girl who is adorable and bright, but every time I look at her, I wonder what I did to deserve her, and what I am missing by not having my first baby. It has left a scar, a "what if" that will never go away.
- I always swore that I would never have an abortion. Not that I had had strong Pro-Life values, but for me personally, I never thought I could take a life, especially a life that was a part of me.
Over this summer, I developed mono, and had a rough time with work, my boyfriend had just moved in towards the beginning of the summer. We only had sex once unprotected, the ONLY time I've ever had sex unprotected, even my first time I was on the pill. I was always extra careful. Well, I noticed I was 2 weeks late on my period, I didn't think anything of it at first, I was sick and I had been really stressed at work, and that always causes me to be late. But 2 weeks turned into four, and I became more tired than usual, so I bought an EPT, and watched as it came out positive. I remember sitting there, staring at it, willing it to turn out negative, but it didn't happen. I didn't cry, I didn't feel anything, I couldn't even think, I was in shock. I didn't tell my boyfriend at the time, I ran to my best friend's house, and he was the first person I told. I remember crying, because I was so afraid of what he'd think of me. But he hugged me and talked to me, and we went through the options, and what I could handle. I knew financially I could never support a child, and emotionally, I wasn't able to give this creature life, and then give it up.
When I came home, my boyfriend knew something was wrong, so I told him, and my decision. He was honest enough to tell me that he didn't like it, but he would support my decision. I still remember that first visit to the doctors, and the ultrasound she did, to see how far along I was...I can still see that small figure in the screen, the little tiny heart beating rapidly. I remember wanting to cry, but I didn't, but I still see that small shape in my mind. I know it seems crazy, but I know it was a boy, I guess in any way a mother knows her child before she sees it.
The doctor referred me to her co-worker, and let me know that since I had full blow mono at the time, my health care could cover it for medical reasons. I remember the ride to the hospital that morning, how calm I felt, and I remember the feeling of absolute loneliness as I was wheeled into the OR. The sedation worked for the most part, but I could still feel a lot, and afterwards I just wanted to curl up in a corner. My mother came with me that morning, after I finally got the courage to tell her...she held my hand in the recovery room, and I still didn't cry. The days after were horrendous, I was in so much pain, I couldn't even move at night. I had to go back to work the next day, and I ended up taking over 1600 mg of ibroprofen just to be able to think clearly enough to work.
My boyfriend and I have broken up since, and we've never talked about the baby. I still can't sometimes, without seeing that beating heart, and the overwhelming sadness that I killed my child. I try and remember the life he would have had, the possibility of complications form the mono, but it's still hard.
For starters I just got my abortion this morning. I am 19 and my boyfriend (the first man I have ever slept with), who thought he was sterile, got me pregnant. He is a marine and he receives an anthrax shot annually that supposedly makes them sterile, well I found that not to be true at all. The day I found out I was pregnant was the worst day of my life. I cried and cried and cried. Than, when I decided that abortion was my only way out, I researched abortion online and I received a lot of negative feed back. I was so nervous this morning, I was put to sleep so luckily I don't remember any of it. My doctor, my nurse and my anesthesiologist were incredible and they relay helped me to calm down, not to mention my boyfriend was there for me. I was feel strong cramping on my way home but not any more. I feel extreme relief and I don't doubt for one minute that my decision was wrong in any way. I am glad I got it done, I couldn't afford a baby financially, or emotionally . I couldn't do that to my family right now either. Getting an abortion was not as painful as I thought physically, but emotionally it was hard. I am thankful that my situation was not as bad as it could been, but no matter your situation, it's not an easy decision or process to go through.
hi,Im am 19 and had my abortion 1 year ago. i recently had the one year date come up for me and i wanted to tell my story as part of my healing. i was 17 almost 18 when i found out i was pregnant. at the time i was just recently married and my husband and i were just starting out and all. when i found out i was happy but sad at the same time kinda hard to explain the feeling. i knew that deep down inside that we wouldn't be able to have this baby , and i just wanted to enjoy her for the few weeks we had left. i mean yeah at first we talked about keeping the baby and all and we were set on doing that but we both knew we wouldn't be able to at this time in our life. i dont want to get into all the reasons why we couldn't keep her, just to say that we didn't have the support of either his family or mine and neither one of us has never wanted to become parents and i know that sounds selfish to say it was cause we didn't want to have kids and maybe it is but we did what we thought was best at the time. do we have regrets? oh sure we do everyday but we know that our little girl is in a better place, a place where she will never know pain and sin and heartache. i had 6 weeks with my Zoe and i know she understands me and her dads choice. after the abortion i felt a sense of calm and somewhat relief, but also sadness of course cause of a great part of me was gone forever. a part i can never get back. well, after the initial relief wore off the reality of my decision kinda came into view to me. i was very depressed for a many months afterwards, and had alot of problems relating to the ab. not physical probes. but emotional kind. then when the due date came around i named my baby,as i had a dream where i met her and found out she was a girl. i named her Zoo. after i named her i felt a sense of peace and i knew everything was going to be okay. i am not saying it has been an easy road since i named my girl cause it hasn't but i am just saying when i named her i got a greater understanding of her and of me and i knew that she wasn't mad at me i knew that she understood. maybe this may sound crazy but i felt her presence and i know she will always be with me. abortion is never an easy decision for anyone and i am not here to tell anyone what to choose, i just want to say that my abortion was a difficult decision and i fight with depression alot and all but my life has reached a greater understanding since i had those few weeks with my daughter. i have made peace with myself and my life has become more meaningful i mean in the sense that i dont take things for granted and i cherish everyone and everything i have in my life at the present because none of them will be here forever and i try to make the most of everyday.
- I was 17, and a junior in high school. I had lost my virginity to my boyfriend at the time the summer before. I had fallen in love with him, and even though the relationship was a little shaky, I had so many dreams of being with him forever. I had never felt so powerfully about anyone before, the sun and moon revolved around him. I wanted nothing more than to be with him all the time. I was young, I was naive, but, I was very happy. In the spring, my boyfriend had a lot of court cases coming up, and things were’t looking hopeful. He left for court one day, and the next I heard form him was a collect call form jail. I was so depressed, even though I knew it would only be a few months, for me, that seemed to be an eternity without him. I was very depressed, I stopped going out with my friends. I just really withdrew, and I was feeling very depressed. On the last day of finals, my friends convinced me to come out with them, and I did. I ended up getting really drunk, and needless to say, I also ended up in someone’s bed. I remember laying there, and how sobering the empty sex was, how sobering the feeling of betrayal was. I knew, in that moment, that I was pregnant. I laid there, next to someone I hardly knew, feeling so much shame, so much guilt, and feeling so scared. Within the next month, I took two take home pregnancy tests, both came out negative. I missed my period, but kept reassuring myself that the test had come out negative. In my head, it was easy to think that I was not pregnant, the test had come back negative, but in my heart, I knew I was. I started getting a belly, which I tried to tell myself was form all the drinking I had been doing the past few months, I was sick every morning, which I told myself was just a hangover, but I knew, I knew I was pregnant, and not only did I do nothing about it, but I did so many things to hurt myself, and my child, limiting my options considerable. I finally broke down and went to free clinic for a blood test, I called that afternoon, and got my results, I was in fact pregnant. I went in the next day, only to be examined and told I was already 10 weeks. The social worker told me it was hard to tell how much damage was done to the baby form my unbelievably irresponsible behavior, and gave me a few numbers to call. She told me, that if I wanted to have and abortion, I had to make the decision quickly, because soon, I would be in my second trimester, and would need to go to the hospital for ultrasounds and go through a much more difficult procedure. I was left in shock, there I was 17 years old, about to be a senior in high school, my boyfriend had been in jail for almost 4 months, and I am in a free clinic being told I was about to enter my second trimester of pregnancy. I couldn’t believe it, I just wanted it to go away, it was like a nightmare you know is a dream, but as hard as you try, you cant wake up. I just wanted it to go away, but on the other hand, I wanted to keep my baby. I found myself talking to her, holding my belly, laying in bed crying. I would do things subconsciously to try to take care of us, while at the same time, knowing that there was a good chance I had already hurt my baby to the point that she would be very unhealthy. The father, a real asshole, had drug problems, alcohol problems, and I was scared to tell him. I was afraid of his reaction, afraid he would tell people and it would get out, that my boyfriend would never speak to me again. I had gone and gotten pregnant with an other mans child, I cant imagine why he would ever look at me again. I knew I had to tell him though, it was my responsibility. When I told him, he was actually very calm about it, telling me he would support me either way. I decided to get an abortion that night, because the thought of raising his child was too much for me, and his calm reaction made me wonder how many girls before me he had gotten pregnant. I made the appointment, went to court to get a court order because I was a minor, and I went. I convinced myself that this was the best way, for everyone, but in my heart, I wanted nothing more than to keep my child. I had formed a connection with her, a bond, which I did not even realize until it was too late. I remember the day like it was yesterday, I remember waking up, and getting dressed. I remember the ride, where I chain smoked and cried the entire way. As we pulled in, I saw so many protesters, they were screaming at me when we were walking in, and even though I had been warned no to look up at them, I did, and the images on there signs of still haunt me. I broke down into tears as I was going through the metal detector, so embarrassed about what I had chosen, but at that point, I felt trapped, I had made the decision, and I thought I should stick with it. I went in, and sat in the waiting room holding my best friends hand, just shaking and crying. The called me in, and put me in a waiting room with a few other girls. They seemed so calm, all watching talk shows, and reading magazines, I was the only one crying. I felt so alone, so alone. We were called in, one by one, and for a moment, I was left alone in the room, just waiting for them to come for me, I wanted to run out, and leave, I didn’t want to do it anymore, but I didn’t move, I felt paralyzed, to weak form all the emotion to move. They called my name, and I followed the nurse, I don’t remember that much, it is all a little blurry. The gave me a shot, and I remember a feeling of numbness coming over my whole body, and my head. I just remember laying there, staring at the ceiling, with my legs in stirrups, crying and crying. I remember how it felt, I can still feel the scraping, the suction, the pain. I remember glancing over at a tube that was now connecting me to the wall, and thinking, “ I am letting them suck my baby through a wall, in little tiny pieces, into a toxic waste bin” I knew then, that the decision I had made was the wrong one. It has been two and a half years now, and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t grieve for my child, my baby, and how I let her be taken from me. I am so sorry, so sorry, I just wish I could go back, I wish I had left, I wish I had thought more, I just wish I had known.
- I fell in love with this guy when I was 19 years old. I am now twenty-two.
He was everything to me, not because he embodied so much, but rather
I was so needy and dependent that anyone who said the right words could have
me head over heels. Anyway, about a six months later, I discovered that he was
married, not separated or anything. Unfortunately, I continued to date him. He
did not have a conventional marriage, however. We took vacations, went out in public, everything
you would think a married man would not or could not do, we did. About
one year later, I became pregnant. I stopped taking my birth control pills because he and I
had ended the relationship. But, one day we reconciled, and one thing led to another.
I wanted to keep my baby. I even went to the doctor's to get prenatal vitamins. But, I was a
senior in college, and I knew that having a child at that time would have deterred success.
Ironically, I abandoned my gut feelings and had an abortion. It completely devastated me. In
fact, I broke up with him because he could not understand the magnitude of my pain, although
he already had two kids. For months after that I was desperate to ease the pain. In Nov, i began bleeding form my vagina.
The doctor thought that at 21, I had a fibroid tumor in my uterus. I was so afraid that I would never be able to have children again. I was completely depressed.
I stopped taking the pills so that I could ovulate immediately, and get pregnant. That did not work.
I tricked myself into thinking I was pregnant my eating much more than I wanted. I took pregnancy tests after
pregnancy tests, even though it was negative, I thought that the hCG hormone just had not shown up in my urine yet.
Even though my urine test was negative, I even took a blood test because I just knew i was pregnant.
of course, you might have guessed. it was negative. But, strangely enough, almost one year later, I am 5.5
months pregnant with a girl. My boyfriend and his wife are estranged. I will
be graduating form under in Dec, 2000 with a Bs in biology. My baby is due in March. Sometimes
I still regret not being married or even staying in this relationship, but i do believe that God has given
me another chance and I won't let him down.
i am 19 and my boyfriend is 18. he was 17 when we found out. well we had been together for 6 months and we talked about how we both wanted a child. we weren't using protection and hang sex almost everyday. i kept thinking something was wrong after the 4th month because i was not pregnant but then he said to me one night at dinner i think you are pregnant. so i waited for my period to come and sure enough it didn't. i took a test...and i let it sit for a minute and only the negative line showed up so i was like no big deal ..little did i know that i didn't wait long enough....after i had gotten out of the shower i looked at it again and it was positive. i cried and collapsed. i called him to come get me that we needed to talk. i tried to tell him but he guessed. he was fine with it and said we'd do what we had to do and take care of our baby. we made plans to go out to dinner to discuss it further that night but i was in for a rude awakening....he changed his mind at dinner he yelled and told me how we could not have this baby....that i had to abort it. i finally got the guts to tell my mom and she told me i had one week to decide what i was going to do. i knew i wouldn't be able to do it on my own so i caved in and went with it. after i had the abortion my boyfriend told me his main reason for wanting the abortion was because he felt trapped. that made me so angry with him ...and to this day i still know exactly how many weeks i would have been..my mom yells at me to stop keeping track but i can't help it i dont' even think about it i just know. i went to this place by my house a month later and made a bear. you get to stuff it and dress it yourself. so when i stuffed the bear i stuck all of the abortion paperwork in it and named the bear what i wanted to name the baby. so i will always remember my lost child. if the drugs didn't knock me out any sooner i would have walked out and changed my mind. my mom thought i was going to but i didn't. i went in with some company all full and happy and came out alone. i need to talk about all of this but my significant other won't. he says to stop talking about it everytime i bring it up. he made me promise i wont' talk about it anymore, but i can't help it. thank you for listening....
I was 19 when I had my abortion. I was away form home and vulnerable. I had grown up in a strict catholic family and my father was verbally and physically abusive towards me throughout my childhood. I did everything to get away form 'them' but working abroad I got into a number of loveless relationships - I believe I was always looking for love - I found men who just wanted sex. When I got pregnant - I had no self-esteem, I knew the father did not care for me - and I was right- when I told him about the abortion (after it had happened, he didn't bat an eye lid.
Anyway, when I discovered I was pregnant - (when we were making love, I said to him stop - I have no protection - he ignored me) I now feel this is just a continuation of the abusive relationship I had with my father who I only ever wanted to love me - but he would never say or show this. I knew I was pregnant straight away ( I wish I know about the after night pill) I don't think there would be as much guilt attached to that method as pregnancy would not be confirmed. Anyhow, I got to the doctor straight away after missing a period, the doctor confirmed I was 6-8 weeks pregnant. I said I wanted an abortion - he said he couldn't do it but could refer it to a colleague who could. After an interview I had three days to agonize over my decision - these were the longest 3 days of my life - I called my family - but couldn't say anything - I felt so lonely and helpless.
The day of the abortion arrives - my friend came with me, she made it clear she did not agree with my choice but wanted to be there for me.
The procedure was horrible - I can remember everything vividly, even though it was twenty years ago - I felt the suction and was afraid to look over to where the nurse was collecting fetus in a glass jar ( I often wonder what they did with it). My consolation was always, it was only as big as a thumb nail and could not be a baby yet but this does not stop the inner turmoil and guilt. I love animals and children very much - I believe part of my action came form the position of knowing at that time I could not possibly have cared for this baby.
I now am happily married and have three wonderful children - for whom I dedicate my total emotional and physical strength. I still do not feel that I am the person who could have a baby because I disagree with abortion in order to give that child life. If I bear a child, I feel responsible and want to be there for my child forever. I suppose that is also why I feel so much for the child I could not have - I have spent remembrance time with this child and given the child a name however, this does not demoniac the feelings of guilt, shame and the feeling that my siblings, my children, and my friends could never possibly understand and would hate me if they knew.
I told my sister recently, and she seemed very understanding - but I am so afraid she is judging me and that she will break my confidence.
I am going on holiday to see my family next month and I am so scared that I will be confornted - I still cannot speak about this issue - I would say in twenty years I have only spoken about it four/five times - I will never come to terms with it - although I feel it was right at the time. I will not know how to react if my family convent me with it and I am also afraid if they should disclose it to my children I feel my children will be so disappointed in me as I am in myself.
Please give me your comments
Ps You don't know how good it is to find your web-page!
Although, I feel it was the only possible route for me at the time - I wish it never happened and I can only say to other women out there do under no circumstances have unprotected sex unless you want a pregnancy.
- Im 16 and by the time my baby would have been born id be 17. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I knew I wanted to keep it, so me and my boyfriend of 2 years (same age)told our parents and they told me how much id ruin my life and not be a fit mother, I knew i would have to move out swell so everything didn't seem right 4 me. I tried to say i wanted it but they all laughed at me and shouted so in the end i was forced to get an abortion, I lied about the reasons "Im too young i cant cope" when all along i wanted to scream "of Crosse i want it its mine" but it all happened all in 1 day I had it in a bed pan- i felt it come out,it was the worst thing Ive ever done and i would give anything to go back and have the strength to say "no Its mine and my boyfriends decision and we are keeping it" but no can ever bring the chance to change time and i feel so sad every day, I will never get over this-NEVER. You might think i would have been stupid but i think id be a loving caring mother who'd never do anything to hurt there child. Im descusted in my family and some of my 'friends' when May comes round my baby would have been born but instead I killed it months ago..
I was 16 when I became pregnant. At the time I was seeing a man much older than I who was also going through a divorce. We was together only a month when we decided to have sex. We talked about birth control first because I wasn't on the pill. He told me not to worry because he was sterol and couldn't have children, and I believed him. We had sex every night and nothing happened, so I stayed off the pill. After 2 months together my mother who approved of our relationship suddlently didn't a got charges pressed against him. When it went to court he was to have no contact with me for a year. I snuck out of the house a few times to see him and we continued to have sex everytime I saw him, which was at least three times a week. Well at the beginning of November my period was late which never is. I told him that I thought I was pregnant and he caused me a cheating on him, I wasn't because I don't believe in that,and that the baby wasn't his. He was controlling and beat me occasionally. Then December rolled around and he told me to have an abortion, I refused and he pushed me down a flight of stairs. After that he told me to have the abortion or I would never see any of my family again. So I agreed mainly because I was scared of him. The appointment was set for January. Him and his ex wife drove me 15 hours to have the abortion. When we arrived we slept for a couple of hours and we went on our WA to the clinic where I sat for 1 hour and then was called. There was about 20 other women in the room with me whom was all older than I by 3 or more years,which made me feel like a whore, because here i was barely 16 years old and knocked up. They took a blood sample to see if I was an RH factor and an ultra sound to see how far along I was, I was three months and they said that they would have to dialate my cervix. After about six other women was called they called me. They took me in this room where I laid down just like you were getting your yearly physical. They gave me gas to calm down but I just cried, I cried the whole time. They gave me the first shot in the cervix and I squeezed the nurses hand and continued to cry, then the gave me the second shot and cranked something up inside me. They scraped the side of my uterus to loosens up all the stuff to make it easier to finish the abortion. They told me that they were going to suction me, and I felt the suction rip my baby out of me and since I was three months I could tell the sex of my baby. It was a boy. They took me to the recovery room where i had to stay for an additional two hours so that the drugs thy gave me would kick in. They gave me three perscriptions-one to control the bleeding, one to fight any infections, and the third to kill any pain. He only got the first two filled and said that I needed to suffer. I never told him that he would of had a son. And to this day I haven't spoken a word about it to any of my family. And to this very day(Im 18 now)I think and dream about my baby every day. And If I had to choose again I would have kept my baby regardless of my age or the fathers threats because I know that my family would have protected me. I haven't spoken a word to him since that.
- I was 18, it was Mother's Day, I was at a relatives house when I realized that I was eating more than usual, I remember getting up going to the bathroom and unbuttoning my pants. What I saw shocked me. How come I hadn't noticed this before, my stomach was huge. I went to the store immediately , bought a pregnancy test and than I knew- I was pregnant. I called my x-boyfriend ( we had broken up about 7 weeks before), he just said "it's not mine." I was heartbroken, considering I had been with him for 3 years before we broke up. I knew it was his because he was my first and only. From that moment on I knew I wasn't going to have the child. I was set to leave to Penn State in a month, and to top it off the love of my life had denied me and our child. I didn't know what else to do. I went home and set the appointment. I had the termination on May 14, 1999. I remember wanting to have it done so bad, that I actually thanked the doctor when he was done. I don't think I will ever forgive myself for those two words. It's been about a year and a half and I wake up some nights crying so bad. I knew it was a girl, I just have this feeling. Two months after the abortion I began to have dreams, I saw her-she didn't look like what I had expected. I had her in my dreams for a while but shortly after, they stopped. I know it sounds stupid but what can I say, I regret what I did. I would rather have had a life with my child than what I have now. Now I just pray to God everyday to forgive me for what I have done.
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