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Stories from Women who've had abortions

Please remember as stated on the first page that these are the stories of many individual women, and are their personal views and feelings. Some have many different views, and different ideas about their experience. You may not agree with what they are feeling, or what they say. That's okay! The idea here is just to give women a chance to be heard about how they feel. If you've had an abortion, and need to talk about it right away, you can check out the I need to talk now! section
If you are interested in submitting your story, here's the link to Tell Your Story

Story Index

| Stories Page 1 | Stories Page 2 | Stories Page 3 | Stories Page 4 | Stories Page 5 | Stories Page 6 | Stories Page 7 | Stories Page 8 | Stories Page 9 | Stories Page 10 | Stories Page 11 | Stories Page 12 |

  • I was 20 years of age when I found and I was pregnant and I recently had a abortion about a month ago.I had been seeing a guy for about five months we were not going out with each other but still I saw him more than just casual sex. I was on the pill at time and being foolish there had been a couple of times when I had forgotten to take it.

    Sure enough the news came that I was about 8 weeks into the pregnancy I will never forget that moment when the dOctor told me it was a burst of reality just hit me like thunder. I knew then and there that I could not have a baby because i didn't have a job and I was studying at the time. I spoke to the guy that I was seeing and all he could say was call me when you have the abortion and let me know that you are alright. About a week later he decide that he was heading to Adelaide to live because he wanted a change. He had talked about going before but I wasn't stupid I knew the real reason why he was going. I felt so alone and so scared like I was losing control and everything was falling down around me. I told my parents and to much my suprise they supported me. I am so thankful to them for that but somewhere deep inside there is a pain that takes over my mind sometimes and people are always asking me what is wrong I just wish the hurt would go away.

  • I wanted to share my story because everytime I think of it I feel very sad. I was married 14 years and now I am separated. i got married young i am now 35 years old. I have 2 children ages 11 and 7. I got separated last Oct. because of problems I was having with my husband. Just this July we decided to have sex again and I thought there mite be some hopes of us working things out and getting back together again. Anyway, I became pregnant accidentally and at first i was very happy. Until i told hime my soon to be ex husband about it. He started yelling at me to get an abortion and I cant keep it and I was soon starting to get worried about the pregnancy. I tried talking about it with him and a few friends and I was very confused. Anyway he persuaded me to have an abortion and took me to the hospital, When I was there I wanted to leave, I wanted him to tell me it was ok and it was up to me if I wanted to keep the baby but it never happened. I trusted to have sex with him because we were married 14 years and in the back of my head I figured he would do the right things . But I was very wrong. Anyway , after all this, I now feel no hope of ever working out my marriage anymore. I feel if a new baby didn't keep us together that nothing ever will. I thing of the brother or sister that my 2 children will never know and It makes me feel sad at times. Well , thanks for listening.. Take care and good health to you all.

  • I was twenty years of age when I found out I was pregnant and I had a abortion two months ago. I will never forget that moment when I was sitting in the chair in the dOctorrs clinic and he said well the test has come up positive. I was so scared but most of all I felt most ashamed because I knew straight away I had made a mistake,taken a huge risk that wasn't even worth taking.

    I had been seeing this guy for about five months and he was actually from my past at some point he had been my boyfriend.When he called me five months after we had gone our separate ways I could not resist seeing him again because I had had very intense feelings for him in the past. As the story goes one thing led to another and we were morealess seeing each other. I had found it so sweet in the relationship at one point when he told me that he wanted to see each other but not have sex anymore because he felt like he was abusing me and didn't want me to think thats all the relationship was based on. Still about five months into the relationship I found out that I was pregnant. At this point I was already about 8 weeks. That night I found out I told him and his reaction was naturally he was shocked. I had already told him at this stage that I was not ready to have a baby and he said the same went for him. He told me to call him when the abortion was over and just let him know that I was alright. He did not come with me to have it done he let me go on mine own because he was working and it was to hard to get a day off. I was so angry and hurt and couldn't believe that he could be so selfish and childish and not even give me some kind of support when he knew that it was not just my mistake.

    The day in the clinic was I would have to say the worst day of my life because I had never felt my heart race so much and I had never experienced so much hurt and feeling alone in my life. The times seem to take forever. After the operation I just felt sick and a little sore in the stomach but it did not compare to the pain and guilt that played in my mind. That night I rang the so called father all he could tell me was that a week later he was heading interstate and said it had nothing to do with what happened he just wanted a change in environment and his working environment. I couldn't believe what this selfish person was saying and the anger just burned inside me I just wanted to turn around and scream out 'You Bastard you couldn't give me just the smallest amount of support and you leave just when I need you the most even if it was just has a friend. His last words were 'I miss you'. I felt so stressed and the weight has just fallen off me because its like a cycle that just repeats around and around in my head each time. I have cried every night and prayed to be able to forgive myself. I hide things so well from so many people but lately people have been able to see through that and are always asking me if I am alright. I hope that by telling my story this will help to the road of recovery. I am starting to feel that a great load is being lifted of my shoulders already.

  • I am 21 years old and 3 weeks ago on friday I had an abortion.I am married but things were not going so well a few months ago and I started having an affair with a man from my work, we will call him John.John and I had alot of fun in the beginning and I will have to admit that I was falling for him,he told me he felt the same way too so that only intensified my feelings for him.August 23 2000 I found out that I was pregnant.I kept this a secret for 2 weeks and then I finally told John.He acted like a normal man and got scarred , at first he told me he was sterile,well I knew that wasn't true ,then he tried to tell me it wasn't his,another lie, (I had not had sex with anyone else since John).I really wanted him to be happy about the baby and tell me that we could raise our child together(and I didn't mean as a couple either)I would have taken full responsibility but I would have needed finical support from him.Well,he did not want the baby,he was not ready to be a father (he is 24),and I dont blame him either.The night before the abortion I went over to his place, I really needed his support,I needed him to hold me when we went to sleep and tell me that everything was gonna be ok(after all he told me he had feelings for me)needless to say I got nothing from him,he did not even offer to go with me ,I had to go all by myself, and that was so hard and I was so scarred.The whole thing took about 10 min and an hour in recovery.I spent the whole weekend by myself slowly losing my mind,I begged John to come over and see me ,I just needed somebody,but ofcourse he didn't.I dont really know what I would do if I could do the whole thing over.5 days after the abortion I was taking a shower and a blood clot came out and thats when I had a nervous breakdown,I remember I kept screaming"thats my baby". Later that same night John calls and tells me that he lied and that I never meant anything to him.It was all to much for me to handle,I wanted to kill myself that night,Im still not sure what stopped me.There is not a day that goes by that I dont think of my baby.My baby was only 42 days old when I killed it.I can still here the whir of the machine.John never asks how I am,its like he forgot all about our baby,or he never cared about him.I have to see him everyday and all he says to me is "good morning" sometimes I just want to scream at him "WE MADE A BABY TOGETHER,THEN YOU MADE ME KILL OUR BABY ALL BY MYSELF,AND ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY IS GOOD MORNING"I dont know what to do to get over this , it hurts so much!!My friend is having a baby and she also works with me and John,it doesn't make things very easy seeing her go through her pregnancy.Hopefully someday I can get over the pain and the guilt but I will never forget my baby.

  • I had my abortion when I was 19 years old in October of 1999. This was something that I had always said that I would never do. I had discussed it with my boyfriend long before I got pregnant and he said that he would never allow me to kill our baby and that he would not let me put myself through that. But as soon as I got pregnant his attitude changed. He was so upset with me (as if I had done it by myself!!) He expressed immediately that he did not want me to have the baby. I just didn't understand that. We had been together for a year. We were living together. He had a good job. And I had an engagement ring on my finger. I initially said that I was going to keep the baby regardless of what he said. That made him even more furious. So he treated me like dirt for the short time that I was pregnant. He was just so mean and unsympathetic. He always referred to the baby as "that mothafucka". I got so sick from crying everyday and finally gave in to the idea and had the abortion. The reason why I hate myself for that decision is because I let him persuade me instead of doing what I knew was right in my heart. If I can give advice to anyone I would say that if you go through with an abortion make sure it's because it's your choice not because of someone else's influence. Also, if you have already had an abortion just ask God for forgiveness. That is what is helping me get through this. God Bless and Be Strong!!!!

  • I was 19, drank alot, partied with the same group of people and fell in love for the first time with a kid 1 year younger than me. I was a virgin, and he threatened to break up with me if we didn't have sex. I can't believe I did that.........but oh well. We had fun, but he ended up breaking up with me every other month for 1 1/2 years. Two months after my very best friend died from drugs, I started cheating on him with someone else who seemed to care. I was out of my head. The me I knew would never have been having sex with one, let alone two people at one time. I sang in the church choir. I led a double life. Anyway, I got pregnant. I never entertained the idea that it might not be my boyfriends. I called and made an appointment at family planning. My mother was a scary, dominating, controlling, woman. The thought never EVER entered my mind, to tell her or anyone in my family. The WRATH from my christian parents! No way. Anyway, in my circle of friends, everyone had at least one abortion. My boyfriend broke up with me a couple of days before the procedure, but said he would drop me off and pay for it. That he did. I walked in alone, filled out the forms that I didn't care to read and sat looking down, so to not catch the eye of any of the girls seated in the waiting room. We all know why we're there. It's so strange. I kept my promise ring on and put my gown and socks on. I remember sitting in a 8x8 room with a TV where six of us sat and waited to be called. That was the worst part for me. We were like pigs going to the slaughter. I remember an older looking woman there and I remember thinkingg, why would you be here? This is only for stupid young girls that get themselves into trouble. They called my name, I went in and made jokes (my way of stress relief) and the nurse was very comforting. The dOctorr came in and that was that....looking back I don't know how an abortionist can sleep at night. It's such an evil thing, I now believe.......Afterwards, my boyfriend and a girlfriend of mine picked me up and dropped me off at another friends apartment. Now he said he wanted to get back together. I was happy. What an idiot. The worst part, was since I called in sick to work, my mother found out I was gone. I made up a lie, a bad lie that she saw right through. She ordered me home and told me the whole house better be cleaned before she got home from work. I was cramping, bleeding, and feeling dirty. But I cleaned that house from top to bottom. I was afraid of my mother. Then I went to my friends house and had beers that night. I never spoke of it again until two years later when my still kind of off and on again boyfriend heard from an old friend that the baby I aborted wasn't his. He made me pay back the money. He ended up committing suicide a couple of years ago.

    I've never cried about the abortion. My sister is a pro-life activist and says 4,000 babies are killed every single day. I sometimes think about how old the babies would be now. I had another abortion three months before my wedding to my now husband. My parents would have died of humiliation and we had no money. I had my abortion the same day my sister gave birth to her second child. This second termination was more emotional at the time, because we were in love and I was trying to figure out ways to keep the baby. But again, I let the fear of my mother force me into making the wrong decision. I now have four children, and I can't help but think that for the two I killed, I will lose one or two of my children. I get concerned because I don't let myself mourn for the babies. I do realize that this pain must be so deep inside of me. I don't want it to surface. I am a born again christian now, and I have asked for forgiveness. But I have never confessed it to a person. I've thought about telling my sister to free me from this guilt I am beginning to feel. I have a feeling she knows...or suspects. Or, maybe I'll just take this secret with me to heaven where I will be reunited with them. I don't know.

  • It all started when I moved to Arizona with the man I thought I would be with for the rest of my life. We had been together for about a year and a half and were somewhat engaged. I loved him very much and I thought he loved me. I was 19 years old at the time. When we arrived in Arizona in August of 99, I found out I was pregnant. I was so happy and a bit scared because I was 2,000 miles away from my home and loving family. But I knew that I would be a good mother. When I told my "fiancée" that I was pregnant, he was speechless. "We can't afford a baby," he said. My heart was breaking. He had two little girls from his first marriage that were 4 and 1 at the time. I knew it wasn't time for a baby but I didn't care. It happened and I was ready to take responsibility. I have always been very strongly against abortion. I don't believe in it. When the words, "Maybe you should have an abortion" came out of my boyfriends mouth, I didn't know what to think. This was someone that had planned a life with me and that said he wanted to have children with me. I told him that was totally out of the question. So of course it put distance between us. He didn't want the baby. What could I do. He told me that if I decided to have this baby that I would have to go back home to Alabama. At first I thought it would be a good idea because I would be with my family to help me raise the baby. But then I thought, what about him, what will happen to the two of us if I go back home and have this baby. Will he ever come back, will my child ever see it's father? How very selfish I was being. So one day when I went to work, I came home and saw that he had been writing down numbers to abortion clinics. I started crying and I went to him and ask why he wanted to do this so bad. He told me that this was something we had to do and that everything would be okay. I tried so hard to look for a way out but I couldn't find one. So finally one day while I was at work, I called and made the appointment. I went home and cried and cried. I rubbed my belly every night and told my unborn child how much I loved he/she. I told it how sorry I was and that this is not what I wanted to do. The night before the abortion, me and my boyfriend were fighting really bad. I thought if anything he could at least try to be nice to me. I was just about to go through something that I did not even want to go through. I locked myself in the bathroom that night and cried for two hours. I rubbed my belly and told my baby that I loved him very much and that I was so sorry. I spent those few hours with my child because I knew it would be the last time I would hold him in my stomach and feel him inside of me. Then as I lay down that night to go to sleep, I cried some more, praying that this was all just a bad dream. I tried to get my boyfriend to rub my belly and hold me and the baby but he was always so much more concerned with rolling over and going to sleep. All night I cried and finally I drifted off to sleep holding my belly. I woke up to the alarm and knew that this was it. I got up and got ready and we left for the clinic. I cried all the way there. When we got there I began crying again. My boyfriend put his arms around me and said the famous words, "It will be okay....I promise." How should he know. He wasn't going through this, I was. I am the one that wanted this baby, I am the one that felt him moving inside of me. When we walked inside I just wanted to die. I filled out a lot of paperwork and signed lots of papers, signing my babies life away. Then I was called back and the nurses took me to a room where they laid me on a table and did an ultrasound. I asked if I could have a copy of it to keep. They said no. So I asked if she would at least turn the monitor around and let me see. She did. There I saw such a sweet, innocent baby moving inside of me. I was 12 weeks or right at 3 months. A tear rolled down my face and I wanted to just die. I wondered if I could back out of this now. Next they took me to a room and drew blood and then to another room where they asked me to take my clothes off and put on a hospital gown. After that they took me in a private room where me and another girl sat and they gave us valium. I was pretty drugged up and everything was okay for a minute. Then the lady gave us a "counseling session." Yea right. It was more like a speech saying this was all okay and there would be no physical or emotional damage done. After that we sat and I was able to talk to the other girl. I asked why she was having an abortion and she said because she was raped by someone who was now in prison. I didn't understand why she would do it. I told her my reason was because my boyfriend was basically forcing me to do it. We became really close in that short time of talking to one another. Then the nurse came in and called my name. All of a sudden my heart fell to my stomach. I took a deep breath and walked away. The girl grabbed my hand and squeezed it and I just looked at her with panic in my eyes. They took me into a cold room. I looked around but I was too drugged up to remember exactly what I saw. I got up on the table and I put my feet in stirrups. I laid back and swallowed very hard and just wanted to die. I held my stomach and a tear rolled down my face. Right then and there I said the words..."I love you my baby...goodbye." The nurse then told me she was gonna give me a shot of "twighlight sleep" It was something that I guess was supposed to drug me more but I was so petite the nurse said it would probably put me under. I looked up and there were posters on the ceiling of baby kittens. The nurse told me within seconds I would feel a burning feeling in the back of my throat from the shot.I started to feel it and I looked up and said forgive me God. After that I don't remember anything but waking up lying face down on a hospital bed. When I looked up I saw the girl I had met earlier on the bed in front of me. I got up still drugged and I started to cry. What had I done. I grabbed my stomach and what was once a pooch was once again a flat stomach. I cramped so bad. But worse than the physical pain I hurt emotionally. My baby was dead. The girl walked over and sat down beside me. She cried with me for a minute and put her arm around me. She gave me a big hug and said "take care of yourself" and she walked away. I went home and I felt so empty. What happened to me in that room? I never even met my dOctorr. I was so physically but more emotionally hurt. My boyfriend was good to me only that day. He took me home and made a nice comfortable place for me on the couch and gave me a heating pad for my cramps and he cooked for me. After that day he didn't even care. I tried to talk to him about it but he would never listen. Time went by and we moved back to Alabama. It was good to be around my family. They were very hurt with the decision I made. But they comforted me and told me that things would get better. More time went by and in May of 2000, which was what should have been my babies due date, I found out I was about 5 weeks pregnant. I was happy because it was like I was trying to replace my baby with another even though no child will ever take the place of my first. I told my boyfriend and once again he said abortion. I told him no. This time I was keeping the baby. I didn't care what he thought because I was home in Alabama and I was around my family. I started going to my dr. appt. and he would never go with me. It put distance between us once again. But I didn't care this time. I was very stressed out and emotional. When I was about 10 weeks pregnant, he left me. I was hurt,very hurt. How could he leave me at a time like this. A couple of weeks later, I had a miscarriage. What happened? Why would this happen to me? As if loosing one baby wasn't enough. I moved home with my parents and they gave me the support I needed. Every day I struggle. I cry and I think of my two babies,my two angels in heaven. It is hard. I had times where I wanted to just die. But I found forgiveness. I forgave myself and then I found out that I got forgiveness from God. September 23,2000 was a very hard time for me. It was the one year anniversary of my babies death. I go through every day thinkingg about my babies and knowing that they are in a better place waiting for me to come to heaven and hold them and give them the love I have wanted so much to give them, that is what keeps me going every day. I know my first baby forgives me for what I did. I will always remember both of my babies birthdays and I will celebrate it in my own special way. Abortion is a very hard thing to go through. But there is forgiveness. The first step is forgiving yourself. It is something that can never be forgotten. But one day I know I will have more kids and we will all be reunited in heaven. As for now, my goal is to show my babies every day how much their mommy loves them. Life is precious. Nothing and no one is more important than the gift of life.

  • Well, I'm 25 years old and I had my abortion almost two months ago in August. It was my first pregnancy. I had been on the pill for 7 years and I finally got off of it only three months before I had gotten pregnant. My boyfriend and I had been engaged for three months and planning on moving in together.....all for the second time around. I had just quit my job, and looking for a new job where he lived. I had been a couple weeks late with my period, yet I thought the irregularity was normal since my body had been adjusting from being off the pill for 7 years. But somehow, I felt different....I knew something was going on, you could say it was emotional, spiritual as well as a physical awareness. I thought about the possibility of being pregnant, yet I thought, naw..... Yet I did remember ONE time when he didn't withdraw. I suppose that one and only time did it. That weekend I woke up and decided to buy one of those tests....went home and took it. And I'll never forget bringing the stick out to my fiancée....we both stared at it as the second line began to appear very DARKLY. I couldn't believe my eyes, I fumbled with the box somehow trying to convince myself that the double lines maybe meant that I wasn't....but there it was, as clear as day. I started to cry and my fiancéee didn't say anything, he just lit up a cigarette and began puffing at it thinkingg. He rubbed my back and said after awhile....I'm happy. I said, I don't think I want it. Till this day, I hate myself for saying that. Now I must explain to you why I said that. Firstly, I was scared....not of really being a mom, but b/c I wasn't married yet, and I wasn't too sure of the relationship b/c of all the past problems we've been through and all the differences b/w us. He said that we would marry right away and have it. I know he was happy.....he wanted to tell everyone. I suppose it was time for him since he was 14 years older than I was....yet there I was, just quit my job, who would hire me now? I worked so hard in college to get my degree and I had only been able to work for two years. Our relationship wasn't at the best point where I would bring a child in the middle of it. So I was scared. We discussed it for a week...and I also knew he was scared also. It is a HUGE life changer and responsibility. You see, we had been dating for about 7 years on and off. In b/w that time...we had already been engaged and living together once before. It didn't work. But after the pain subsided, we got back together again b/c we loved eachother so much. I always wondered why I was always engaged yet never married? And there I was a second time engaged once again and we still never set a date. Why? That made me feel insecure. Then when I become pregnant he wants to rush to have everything? That bothered me and that's why part of me wasn't completely happy about the baby. I tried to understand his point of view...he said that maybe something like this happened to sort of have him step up to the plate. But I knew that I needed the security in knowing that he wanted to marry me otherwise. Not just b/c I was pregnant. We talked and argued about it for a week. Of course, I was extremely emotional at the time so anything made me cry. One thing was for sure, I don't want to be a single mom. During that time, I had gone to see an Ob/Gyn and get a blood test confirming the pregnancy as well as get some advice of where to go for the procedure if I had decided not to keep it. I was extremely sick with nausea during all this and it seemed only to make things harder, aside from the fact that I had also lost my benefits b/c I had quit my job one month earlier. The doc said I was about 6 weeks at the time. So I decided to make an appointment for the termination the following week at 7:30 in the morning. I hadn't made up my mind completely but knew that I should make the appointment and not waste anymore time....b/c I if I did do it, I wanted it to be as soon as possible. We discussed for another week, and my fiancéee said that I knew how he felt, now it was up to me to decide. I would be the one to stay home with the baby. Who knows if I'd ever be able to work in my career again? Yet, that seemed irrelevant to me compared to the fact that I still was unsure about the relationship. So we both went in that morning. We hardly said a word to eachother in the car on the ride over. I entered the waiting room and saw the faces of all the other females in there. Some very young, some in their twenties...not married. I thought of myself and felt like I didn't belong there. I couldn't even believe what I was about to do. The hardest part was about to come. My fiancéee was extremely nervous and kept on leaving to smoke a cigarette. I could tell he was broken up inside. I felt terrible about that. Then I was called in. They make you change into these robes and sit you in different rooms. The first room was the sonogram. This was the hardest part. It was the first time I would see my baby. I wasn't supposed to see it, yet being the curious person that I am, I turned my head and sat up to see the picture. I couldn't believe it. At that point, I wanted to run out of there. How could I do this? Seeing the sonogram made things extremely hard b/c it brought the unseen to reality for me. I felt like I was in a daze from there on. I felt helpless and scared. I know if my fiancéee had saw it, he would want to leave....and I think I would have followed. But, I didn't leave. We had the choice of taking a local or being asleep. The majority of the girls chose to be put to sleep, yet I decided not to. I was always very tolerant of pain. Plus, I felt like what happens to me from there on didn't matter b/c I already saw the baby's picture. Maybe somehow I felt like I deserved to feel the pain. The final room they put you in was a large room where you all sit in and wait for your name to be called. It was terrible. I was sitting there shivering...and right next door you'll hear the door opena and slam shut like the entrance to a dungeon. That room was the operating room. You could also hear the aspirator's vacuum pump engine turn on and off repeatedly. It was all procedure for the dOctorrs and nurses. I felt like I wasn't treated like the human being that I was. I felt as though they passed judgement on us and looked down upon us as not being worthy of any respect. That made me feel worse. One by one we were called in by the faceless dOctorr. Finally, it was my turn. I was given a local and was awake throughout the entire procedure which took about 3 minutes. But it seemed like the longest three minutes of my life. It was very painful like I had expected, but honestly did not care what happened to me at that piont b/c I felt so worthless and guilty. I cried after being rolled out into recovery and knew I would never be the same. It made it harder to see my fiancéee face as I walked out into the waiting room. He just took my hand real quick and we both left in a hurry. I sobbed uncontrollably after that....and then sort of fell into a daze. I was in extreme pain but I think I was so depressed that it numbed me. The next day was the hardest. B/c it is when it all hit me the hardest....I felt such an overwhelming feeling of longingness for my baby. I wished I could of turned back time and not done it. What made it worse is that my sister gave birth that day. And I had to go to the hospital and hold my new nephew in my arms. Just to be painstakingly reminded that I had just killed my baby the previous day. I thought I wouldn't have been able to do it. Yet when I showed up and saw his little face..I was happy instead. It sort of filled that void that I felt. Yet I knew that for the rest of my life my nephew would remind me of what I did. And that was going to be a hurdle to get over. I know deep down inside somehow my fiancéee has some resentment towards me. But I guess that's normal, and I feel sorry about that myself b/c I also feel it. There's days that I'm fine, and there's day's like this one where I cry and feel a longing for another baby but in particular that one. I don't know what's to come of all this. I know that one day when I do have a child, I'll always think of that one and how it never had a chance. IAnd I hate myself for that. But somehow I feel that if I was to do it all over again, I probably would have kept it, but then again who knows.

  • Five months ago yesterday I had an abortion. Although it is something i wish i didn't remember, i will remember that day for the rest of my life. I guess it all started about a year ago. I had graduated from high school and i had decided i was going to take a year off. I started working at a computer company when i met James. He was twenty-eight at the time and i had just turned eighteen. I thought he was the love of my life. He never wanted anyone to know about our involvement so i kept it a secret. Looking back on it now that was just aiding him in avoiding commitment and responsibility. It was very difficult working in the same small office as someone that i was sleeping with. Well at first we were just friends with benefits, whatever that means. Then i found that we were together every night. Thoughout all the closeness we had gained he still refused for us to actually be called boyfriend and girlfriend. You have no idea what that does to someone's self esteem. He then started dating other girls but claimed not to be sleeping with them. I loved him so like an idiot i accepted this. Well thoughout all the support i had given i found myself giving everything i had and not receiving anything in return. James had this one girl that he said that was really nice that he liked to hang out with, her name was Michele and she was the cause of a lot of arguments. James and Michele were constantly going out to clubs together getting high staying out all night and coming home the next afternoon. At first this really didn't bother me until it felt like he was with her more than me. One day i went home for lunch and he called me from his cell and asked me what was wrong. By this time i was so fed up i just asked "Are you having sex with her?" To this he answered "Yes." I can't tell you the pain i was in that feeling when you get such a pain in your chest that you feel like your heart is breaking right then and there. I was so outraged, i screamed at him about how it was one thing to expose himself to other people but he was also exposing me. That was the breaking point for me. After that it was just pure self-torture, i just kept going back for more heartache. After that episode we basically stopped sleeping together except for those few times that i missed him so much i could scream. Well about a month and a half after that i had an emotional breakdown. I had started crying and couldn't stop, to which a dOctorr gave me prozac. About a month after that James and I had completely drifted. We rarely ever hangout and we just really weren't even friends anymore. My period wasn't late when i found out that i was pregnant. I just hadn't felt right. When i told James he was very supportive, but wanted to keep the whole thing a secret because he was now going out with Michele. The day after i found out i quit my job, i just couldn't handle seeing him everyday anymore. James and i decided that abortion was the best decision. He was going to take me and then i was going to stay at his house for two days. Well i was comfortable with this, i still needed to talk about it. I decided to tell my sister about the fact that i was pregnant. Well my sister reacted totally the opposite of what i expected her to when i told her that James was taking me to the abortion clinic. She told me that if i didn't let her take me that she was going to tell my parents. At this, i lost my mind. I tried to kill myself by taking a whole bottle of Tylenol and prozac. After i was released from the hospital i still had my abortion a week later with the support of my whole family including my parents. When i had the abortion as selfish as it sounds i wasn't regretful about the situation and i didn't cry about it. The only time i cried was when i realized that i had lost my best friend as well as my baby. I had always said that when i choose to have a baby it was going to be a baby made from love. At the time i didn't realize it but my child was made from love. James went on to move in with Michele and they are still together. I have no contact whatsoever with either one as hard as that is. The fact is Michele never knew anything about me and still doesn't. About a month ago through a mutual friend i found out that she had also had an abortion. I felt so guilty that i didn't warn her. I then realized that that was not my responsibly. My only responsibly is me. I am not going to say that i am over the whole situation or that i don't think of James a thousand times a day or that i don't think about how i would be seven months pregnant. The only thing i can say is that i do my best to live each day to its fullest and do what is best for me. As for James and Michele I can only wish then all the happiness that they deserve.

  • I am a young single working mother of 2 wonderful children, a boy 10 and girl 7. I had my first abortion April 23, 2000. My baby boy or girl would have been born next month in November. I will never forget the day I found out I was pregnant or the day I actually went through with having an abortion. Everytime I see a baby or a pregnant women I remember my baby. I have had both good days and bad days. My bad days consisted of crying for hours over the loss of my baby. My good days however have gotten alot better now and I am finally able to write about my experience. I had been divorced for more than 3 years and living with by boyfriend of 6 months, whom I loved very much ,when I found out I was Pregnant. Even before my period was due I was feeling sick and unable to keep down certain foods. We both had a feeling I was pregnant. 3 days after my period was due, I took a pregnancy test at my sister's house. I told my boyfriend that night and we discussed about the changes we would have to make by having this baby. I made my first prenatal appointment and had a sonogram to measure how far along I was. I went home with a beautiful picture of a blur and the fact that I was close to 8 or 9 weeks. I was very excited and looking forward to having this baby. Soon after that however, things began to change and my boyfriend began staying out late and lying to me about his whereabouts. Many nights I cried myself to sleep alone. On the nights he did come home he was unsupportive. He became argumentative and told me that he had decided that he didn't want me to have this baby and was unsure about his feelings for me. By this time my morning sickness had gotten alot worse and I was tired and sick all day long. I had lost close to five pounds in 3 weeks and was finding it unbearable to get myself ready for work in the morning without constantly throwing up. I was torn between having and raising this baby alone, and having an abortion. April 23, 2000 (I was 12-13 weeks at the time)he drove me to a clinic he had been told about and I went inside alone to have the "procedure" done. I sat there for almost 2 hours in a room with several other women. Women alone and sad looking, I thought at how their life must be and if they were making the same choice I was. Pregnant women waiting for their prenatal visit. I sat in the corner afraid to look at anyone else, afraid that they would see my tears, my shame. After 2 hours they called me in, only to make the payment of $350.00 (in cash only). I was given a brief run down of what I should do after the procedure and what signs to look for that would warrant a return to the office. I was then returned to the waiting room to wait another 1 1/2 hours. During the procedure I tried not to cry. The nurse was very nice and tried to hide the vacuum equipment or any sign of the baby that was once growing inside me. After getting dressed I took another sonogram to make sure there were no remains. I then called my boyfriend to come pick me up. He was supportive of my "illness" for the next few days but soon after we separated. I just couldn't look at things the same way after that. I was upset with myself for allowing such a thing to happen and blamed him for the way things turned out. We still keep in touch but we never talk about what happened. I know it bothers him and he would much rather not remember those times. I have moved on and am finally starting to date again. I know it will be along time until I am able to hold a baby without wanting to cry. But I will always have the memory of my Baby and November 14th will always be a special day in my heart. This site has helped me alot with my decision and made me realize that even though I am alone responsible for the choices I make in my life, that I am not alone in my decisions. I would not wish the pain I have gone through on anyone. I just hope that we all make it out stronger, as women. For men will never know what it feels like to have a child torn away.

  • I am 22 yrs old and have a one and a half year old son. I met his father in prison and got pregnant. I wanted this baby so bad! I had a rough pregnancy and found out that I had a bad right kidney which was affecting my bladder very seriously. They told me they may have to take my unborn son at 26 wks and it was a high chance that he would not make it. All I could do was pray and cry. Well as you can tell my son is here but my problems with my kidney and bladder are still troubling me. Anyways..... I promised my son that for at least five years of his life I would be his and only his. I would try to be the best mother I knew how to be. I had a very rough child hood thus following my inmate lover. I didn't date much at all, until my mother came to me and told me I should start to. I cried about it feeling alot of guilt. To kind of speed up my story alittle...... I met a man through working at a plumbing company. For the first time ever I was in love. I thought I met the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. He was great to my son and great to me. Shortly after we dated I moved in with him. We had only been dating a month. My friends and family told me I was crazy but I did not listen. Three months later he proposed to me, not the way I had dreamed of. I got a letter in the mail stating that the state needed me and my son to go down and take a paternity test so I could start getting child support. After that appointment I went to the drug store and got a test. I went to the bathroom shaking like crazy, praying that it was a false alarm. It wasn't. I took another one to make sure. I was crying and told my live in boyfriend about it. Of course all he could think about was he got someone pregnant. Feeling very manly about the whole thing. He took me to the dOctorr that day and the dOctorr told me that it was a definite that I was. I cried for weeks, I did not want to get off of the couch. I didn't know what I was going to do. I tried so many times to sit down with my boyfriend and tell him how I was feeling and all he could think about was work and hunting. I was so lost and confused. I was scared out of my mind. I didn't know how I was going to take care of two children and make a future for myself. I didn't want to be an at home mother who watched soaps all day and regretted her life. We began ignoring one another or fighting all the time. I could not handle him touching me or kissing me. Everything about him made me angry. I felt like a different person. I felt guilty for the feelings I had. But I didn't want to give birth to a child when I knew that I could not give it what it deserved. It was not fair. I went through a hard life. I guess that is selfish of me. Three days ago I made a four hour drive to a women's clinic, where I made a very hard decision in life. I had all kinds of thoughts but the main one was this is the right decision. The next day it was done and I walked out of there feeling fine. I do feel alittle guilt maybe it was a very selfish decision. But I keep thinkingg to myself, that I can barely take care of my son let alone another child. I have done alot of praying and talking to god above. And that has brought me peace. No it was not the "Right" choice to some but it was right for me. Yes, I will often remember that day, I will always think of the unborn and wonder what that child would of been like. But some day I believe that when I am married and ready to have another child that that child will come to me. Maybe that's silly and maybe wrong to think that way. But that's what get's me through my days. Thank you for letting me tell you my story. And sorry it was so long!! thanks...

  • I was 18 years old and had just started university when I found out that I was pregnant. I had been with my boyfriend for a year, and couldn't believe it when I got a positive result. I can still remember the day I found out so clearly, it has to be the worst day of my life. Nothing ever prepares you for it. Well, I couldn't tell my parents, and even to this day my father still doesn't know, though I had to tell my mother. My father's catholic so it would have broken his heart. The day I went into the hospital I remember having doubts. I had my blood taken and although the nurses were kind, I still felt so guilty. Luckily, I only had to take some tablets to induce the miscarriage, but God, I have to live with this every day of my life. I regret my decision so much, even though I knew it was the sensible one. At the present, I still feel extremely depressed over it. I keep thinkingg about how old she would have been if I had had her. I say 'she' because I'm convinced it was a girl. I even named her. I've also found out recently that I've got polycystic syndrome, which means that I have cysts on the ovaries which I have to take medication for. There's a chance I won't be able to have children, and that's the worst thing. I keep thinkingg how ironic it is and that I'm being punished for what I did. Now pregnancy dominates my thoughts all the time, and I wish with all my heart that I could turn back time, but I can't. I'll have to live with this for life!!!

  • I had the ordeal occur about two weeks ago and I am not fully recovered mentally or physically. It was such a blow to my system. I have had to deal with the loss of a child and my significant other of two and a half years. I found out that I was pregnant a day after my 26th birthday. It was a shock but I was prepared to take on responsibility. I was in a very needy relationship and loved my boyfriend so much that I wanted to do whatever I could to please him. He isn’t a bad man but just someone that’s fixated on physical appearance and the mere thought of pregnancy makes him uneasy. When I told him I was pregnant, the first words out of his mouth were, "We can’t have this baby." I told myself that I couldn’t have it either mostly out of fear because I’m recovering from an eating disorder and I wanted my boyfriend to love me. I had horrible nightmares every night before I made the decision to go ahead and have the abortion. Deep in my heart I wanted the baby but I wasn’t strong enough to stick to my beliefs. It was the hardest decision of my life but I thought that my partner would help me heal and always be there for me. The day of the abortion was very difficult. I didn’t sleep much and felt numb. I held my crucifix in my hand the whole way to the clinic. I got there at 8 am and the clinic started filling up with women. To my surprise, there were all kinds of women awaiting my same fate. It was apparent that abortion crossed all religious, age and racial borders. I felt the fear in the room! Although none us talked to each other, I knew that we all felt a bond that was much stronger than words. Some women were there with their boyfriends, husbands, lovers, and parents. I felt sorry for one woman that was there alone crying in a corner. I wanted to sit down next to her and give her a hug but didn't have the courage to. The time came and after we all listened to a tape describing our procedure and consequences, I signed my name on the dotted line and embarked on the hardest journey of my life. I changed into a robe and went into a room with 3 people. I guess one of them was the dOctorr, the other a nurse and an anesthesiologist. They strapped my legs into stirrups and what occurred next broke my heart. They gave me a sonogram to see how far along I was. I saw my baby and when the dOctorr saw me cry she said, “Enough” to the nurse. I wanted to get up but as I did, the anesthesia started to affect me and I don’t remember anything else. Once I woke up, the nurse helped me dress and took me to a couch with the other women. I was disoriented and didn’t understand why I had to sit with all these strange groggy women. I felt like I was in a conveyer belt. As soon as four women got up, another set went in. I was ok but too numb to really grieve or understand how much this was going to affect me. My boyfriend was supportive the day of the ordeal but it was almost as if he wanted me to leave him alone the next day. I knew it had been hard for him too and that he dealt with emotions differently so I went home to rest. I saw my parents that afternoon and they had no idea what happened. It hurt me so much to look into their eyes because I could have given them a grandchild. I felt so guilty and upset. I called my boyfriend to see if he could comfort me and his response was that he wanted to hang out with his friends that evening. I couldn’t believe it! I had to go home alone and cry myself to sleep. He never even ended up calling me to see if I was ok. That night about 3 a.m. I left a message for him letting him know that I needed him but that I didn’t want to be with a man that ran way from his problems. I picked up my stuff from his house the next day and he didn’t say a word to me. He didn’t call me or contact me for a week because he wanted to give me space. I didn't need space, I needed him. I didn't make the choice to do alone! I had to deal with the consequences all by myself. Now it’s two weeks later and I’m still alone. My ex-boyfriend, the man that wanted to marry me, ran from the situation. I’m getting stronger and I know that God and my baby forgive me. I just hope that all this pain leaves me sooner than later.

  • I was twenty-one and only been married for three months. We were married in May and in July my husband went over seas to visit his parents for the entire month. During this time I started to see the changes in my body that I couldn't ignore.I was in denial for a long time because for ever, since I was very young the doctors told me I could not conceive. It went past the nausea into sore growing breasts, and even for being only about 7 weeks my belly was getting bigger,and also the rest of my body. I went to a clinic to get tested because I couldn't get into my dOctorr's office for another two weeks. Of course they just confirmed what I already knew. Now my fear was justified. I didn't know what to do.I made an appointment for an abortion without speaking a word to anyone.I went to the appointment alone , I got past the paperwork and was sitting in the lobby waiting for the ultrasound.I just couldn't do it. I ran out of there like something was pushing me out.I cried and worried and made myself sick until my husband came home. When he came home I waited a few days before I could get up the courage to tell him I was pregnant. I honestly thought that besides his fears he would be happy, and reassuring. Not exactly. I never expected him to behave like he did. After hanging his head for a few minutes he looked up at me and said we couldn't keep it. Like it was a puppy I had brought home. Maybe I was being naive, but it broke my heart to hear him say that. A few days later I went to my dOctorr's appointment, she was very judgmental, but sent me for an ultrasound to see exactly how far along I was. When I went for the ultrasound the young lady didn't know I was planning to have an abortion and she let me watch the entire thing and even gave me a print out. I was overcome with joy after this, everything seemed to be in a new light. I thought once my husband sees this he won't feel so trapped and frightened.He wouldn't even look at it and he told me he wished I had never told him. I guess he had to talk to someone, so he called his brother who told him he couldn't let me do it, and that we could send the baby to his parents, in Lebanon, until we finished school and were stable. That idea repulsed and terrified even more. I had the abortion a few weeks later. I was right at the limit that they will perform them. A friend went with me only because I needed a driver. I told no one else.I felt relief afterward, but the grief and doubt and depression has gotten worse in the past year. I knew we couldn't afford to have this child. And I certainly wasn't prepared to do it alone, as my husband wasn't capable of much.I resent him terribly, but we are working on it and after a year we are beginning to talk about it and come to terms with what happened. Honestly I regret what I did. I am still pro choice,but personally I regret not telling the people I trust and letting them get us through it. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about my child.And I will remember my child for the rest of my life. I don't want to forget, I just want to move on and come to terms with what I have done. I want my husband and I to get through this and be stronger , not let it tear us apart. I just hope we are strong enough.

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