Stories from Women who've had abortions

Please remember as stated on the first page that these are the stories of many individual women, and are their personal views and feelings. Some have many different views, and different ideas about their experience. You may not agree with what they are feeling, or what they say. That's okay! The idea here is just to give women a chance to be heard about how they feel. If you've had an abortion, and need to talk about it right away, you can check out the I need to talk now! section
If you are interested in submitting your story, here's the link to Tell Your Story

• I am 20 years old, a sophomore at a college in Iowa. It has not even been a week; only 5 painful days. I thought that this was going to be easy. I made the right choice, so how come I feel so bad? Did I really make the right choice? I dated my babies father during the summer of 2000, when school started in the fall, we broke up. Instead of completely dropping each other, we decided to remain friends. Of course as a young woman I have feelings and urges. We made an agreement that until we were to start seriously dating someone else, we would continue to sleep with each other and ONLY each other. (I am only the second girl he has been with, and he is the 3rd man that I have been with.) He is also only 20 years old, a junior at another college in the area. He, as well as I, are pre-law students so we have a lot ahead of both of us. We did not think of a prenancy to interfere with our lives, but it did. One night, I was in the city where his college was. I had been at a party with some of my friends and I had a lot to drink. I thought that Iwas going to be able to make it home at first, but then I decided that it would be safe to just call him and ask him if I could stay there. He, ofcourse, said yes. I told him that I would be there in a little while, I wanted to hang out with my friends for a bit longer. When I got to his dorm he was making out with some girl. We were not going out anymore, so I had no right to be angry, but I felt hurt. We argued a bit, but we were both too drunk to worry about it. Neither one of us really cared, so why worry. It was late and I wanted to pass out, but there was still a party going on on his floor. So I told him that I was going to lock the door and sleep on his bed, when he was ready to go to sleep, just tell me to move to the couch. As one would assume, he came in, told me he was sorry, and we had a fantastic night of passion. Then, I began to date my high school sweetheart again, everything was going well, perfect one would say. Then I found out that I was pregnant. The love of my life, my whole world, the person I was supposed to spend my entire life with, could not handle the fact that before we started dating again, I had been with my ex, and was pregnant. So I lost him. I told the father, he wanted me to abort the baby without question. It was not the right time, it was not the right person, an I would have to agree. But from the minute I knew that I had a wonderful life growing inside me, I was hooked. My friends and family definately had their own opinions on the subject. The did not hesitate to share them either. I was confused. And then I realized that I had to do what was right for my baby. If I was to have her, I knew it was a her, he was going to fight me for custody. He would have taken her back to his home state which is far from Iowa. I would never see her. He would not let me consider adoption, because if his child was going to be brought into this world, he was going to raise it. And so after careful thinking, I chose to abort the pregnancy. Emma, that is what I named her, would have had a terrible life. She would be caught in the middle of two parents, who by that time would have hated each other. She would have to have the same type of life that I did, flying between two states to see her parents. I could not give her what I want for my children right now. I want them to surpass me in all aspects of life, right now, we would have barely made it. March 28th, 2001, that was the hardest day of my life. I cried the entire drive to the clinic. He was remarkable though, instead of fighting, we did well. He held me and was there throughout it all. When it was over I cried. I have yet really to stop crying. I kind of want her back, I love her. Emma, I am sorry that I will never be able to see you. But I know that where ever you are you are happy and well. I love you!

• Hello. My name is Kari. I was checking out this site ... and I knew what I had to do. I need to tell my story. I had an abortion on Novemeber 4, 1999. I was 17 years old. I was the youngest in the family and no one ever expected that I would become pregnant so soon. My family was disappointed in me. My mother was sad ... but willing to help me at the same time. I was willing to keep the baby and do what I had to do to survive. But one day my boyfriend -- then of a year -- wanted to talk. He said he was not ready to be a daddy and that having a baby now would be too stressful and we would not be able to care for it. I knew in my heart that I could ... with or without him. From that day on my answer to him asking for an abortion was "no!" Finally after weeks of my boyfriend pressuring me and bothering me ... I finally gave in. He had pressed the issue of abortion so much that is was pretty much stuck in my mind that I had to have an abortion. He told me that we could not care for a baby and I started believing him. One day while at my vocational class at school, I found a phone book and looked up the numbers for abortion clinics. Finding one, I went home and told my mom that I had changed my mind. I did not want to keep the baby. My mom believes in a woman's choice so she did not argue or disagree. I told my boyfriend and he just nodded his head and asked "When?" By that evening I had made an appointment ... more like a death sentence for my baby ... but at the time that is not what I thought of. Days before the procedure, I came home and my brother, who at the time was 22, was home alone. He asked me to sit down, that he wanted to talk to me. I felt very uncomfortable being that I never really ever talk to my older brother. To my surprise he started crying. He said, "Please don't do it Kari, Don't. You have no idea what it is like! I've had girlfriends that have had abortions, and it hurt me!" Staring at my brother crying made me just want to cry too. But no, I new what I had to do. I stayed strong, I would not let myself cry. I couldn't. He said, "If you keep the baby, I will help you out with anything, money, food, clothes, please just don't do it." But I kept telling him that I had to, that I had already made up my mind. I had friends tell me the same thing. But just like I did with my brother, I ignored all comments. I knew I had to do what my boyfriend had said. I did not want him to leave me; I loved him too much. Finally: the day before. My mom had to go and fill out the paper work so I could go in by myself the next day. I felt bad walking in there with my mom. Ashamed. The next day came so fast. I woke up early, went to school to make up a test for a teacher. I told her I was having surgery that day but I did not tell her for what. She guessed what it was, and she was right, but I just said no, and that I did not want to talk about it. After that I went to my boyfriend's house. Together we rode to the clinic in silence. I wasn't scared. For a while I almost forgot I was there to kill my baby. It really hit me when I was put into a changing room. I was told to take all my clothes off and put them into a bag but leave my socks on. Then put on a gown, and sit in the chair until a nurse came to get me. After about ten minutes I kept thinking, "Leave Kari, leave now, don't do this!" But that thought vanished as soon as the door opened. "OK Kari, Come with me." She said firmly. I followed her down a long hall into a medium sized room. She said for me to have a seat up on the table and the doctor would be in in a few minutes. I sat in the white room, with blue bordered trim. Looking around. There were many machines that I had never seen before. I remember being cold, very cold. After sitting for what seemed like hours, an older bald man in a white lab jacket and a nurse in blue scrubs came in. He introduced himself and stated that he would be doing the procedure. By then I was terrified and I felt as if I could not turn back. He gave me a shot in my arm -- he said it was to help with the discomfort. As soon as he gave it to me it took effect. I felt very dizzy. I was instructed to lie back and look at the picture at the ceiling. "A picture on the ceiling? How did I miss that?" I thought to myself. It was of a monkey saying a funny little catch phrase, but I cannot remember what it said. Then the doctor started with the procedure. As soon as he started it was pure pain. I felt as if I was being ripped apart. I remember thinking and crying "I want my boyfriend! Please stop!" The pain was so unbearable and he would not stop. The procedure lasted about five minutes but it seemed like an hour. I was placed in a wheel chair and rolled into a "recovery" room. It looked more like a living room to me. There were seven leather chairs lined up in a row. I was placed in one with a blanket and a heating pad. There was a woman on each side of me. One was sleeping and she had a slight grin on her face. The other was half awake, nodding in and out of consciousness. I tried to sleep a little but as soon as I got out there a void hit me. I realized that I no longer had this living person inside of me. This person was gone, not there anymore. "What did I do???" I asked myself over and over. Then I heard loud screams. A woman was being pushed into the recovery room. She was crying and screaming hysterically. I had only been in the recovery room for maybe twenty minutes, but I had to leave, I could not take it any more. I spoke to the nurse who gave me my clothes and said I could leave. She gave me my prescriptions and sent me on my way. I had a few complications after the abortion. I woke up two days later not able to walk, and now I have bad periods. They are very unpredictable, and harsh. Months after the abortion, I started to feel better, going around saying that I felt relieved, and better that I did not have this problem of a baby anymore, but within six months I was a total wreck. Guilt hung over me day in and day out. I wanted to die every day. I started going to Post Abortion Classes, which I must say did help me a lot and even got me in touch with my more spiritual side. Though I am not fully healed, I know I am on my way to recovery. I am still with my boyfriend. We have now been together for two and a half years. He now talks about his experience with the abortion and he regrets every bit of pressuring me so much into it. He said he really wanted the baby so much...but his mom was putting so much pressure on him to make me have an abortion. There has been so many times that my boyfriend and I have just sat down together and talked about and cried about the abortion. A lot of the time we sit and talk about what our lives would be like now, but we will never know. If you are a women, or even a young girl, and you are facing a situation such as this, I recommend that you look more into the consequences of an abortion. It may seem like the only choice to make, but it is not. I would give anything to be able to hold my baby right now. I took it for granted and now I have to live with the consequences. You do not. Try your hardest to follow your heart. Do not do things because you are pressured by others. When you are pregnant, you are in no emotional state to make such big decisions. You may think that you will have a hard life if you have the baby -- and you will -- but it all works out in the end, everything always does. You just have to have strength, hope, love, and patience to get you through. If you are in any kind of a situation like this or any other ...

• I'm now an 18 year old senior in High School who until this year thought that life had nothing but good moments in it, you see i was dating a boy for about 2 years when i became pregnant. i was on birth control but just my luck it failed. i had no one in the world to tell but him and when i told my boyfriend he told me alls i did was cause him stress.. needless to say we broke not long after b/c he had found a new girlfriend that wasnt pregnant. i now was left with no one and i turned to my mom i hated that i had to do that but i did, (i was 17 at the time) we desided that i have my whole life ahead of me and i should get an abortion ... i had the abortion Oct 30th 2000 2 days after my 18th b-day ( the day that will haunt me the rest of my life) i know it was a good decision b/c i finally have a guy that treats me right. but i have to admit i will never be the same person i once was. i'm finally starting to smile again but there are still things that haunt me like i cant listen to the vaccum without crying and everytime i see a baby i get upset and sometimes i just get in these moods where i cant seem to smile for the life of me.. i feel so guilty i killed someone i killed a baby... mostly i cry myself to sleep or if i fall fine i wake up several times a night. i know i'm not ready to be a mother but either way my life will never be the same. i went into counceling for a while but for some reason it just made me feel worse. i know one day i will be a good mother but i will never froegive myself for what i have done. for some people abortion is good and i am very Pro Choice b/c you'll never know until your in the situtaion but i can honestly say if i ever do becoem pregnant at this young of an age again i will not have an abortion b/c for me i already have a life sentence of horror...

• I am too upset!This happeneds before 9 mouths ago.You can imagine what's that mean.I had to have my baby now,but....I am not american or english that's why my english is broken(sorry for that).I feel too guilty and i think that God will punech me for that,but ,please God you know my situation!My story: I was 20 years old.I have a boyfriend who live in USA,so far away from me.He coming too often to my country to see me.In august when he was here after we made love almost 1 mouth without condom i got pregnant.I know that 99% this is our fool!I saw i was pregnant.he left before i made the test!After i told him he was too happy!People this is the thing that hurt me a lot!!!he wanted this babt from me,but there was too many reason that i can't keep it!He wasn't devorsed yet,he live million km far away from me,i can't go to USA,because a lot of problems at the embassy and moore and moore.Those things stop me and i said:I can't give a good life to my baby!I know that this was so wrong,but God knows that everything was too bad.I can't imagine that the father of my baby is far away from me and he will see his baby 3 or 4 time in a year.I am sorry,maybe i was extremly stupid,but now is too soon!I am praying to God to give me a chance for onother baby from my guy,cause we love each other too much!

• I had an abortion less than a year ago. Actually its only been 7 months. I did it because I never thought long and hard about it, I did it because that was my ex-boyfriend wanted. I cried alot during this time because my boyfriend didnt want to tell anyone, but also would not talk to me about it. I felt very alone, and so I finally began to tell people. They were all very understanding and were there whenever I needed them, however my boyfriend was still not. He hated listening to me, hanging out with me or anything that had to do with me. Just recently I choose to talk to him about it again and he told me I should be over it and move, that really hurt. I do not know why I still expect him to care because he never really has, but I really wish he did. I thought since we had been together over a year, he might care about me, but I can for sure say he does not and so I must move on. I can only say now 7 months later that I am forgetting about me, but I will never forgive me.

• I graduated high school when I was 17. My parents decided it would be best to send me to a small private school 3 1/2 hours away. I didn't care. For me I finally had freedom. I became very bad, very fast. To sum it up, when people would ask what I was majoring in, I would say "partying". That wasn't an exaggeration. I was drinking every night, a lot. I was doing drugs, everything from weed to pills, to crystal meth. I never did coke, crack, or heroin..don't worry. And on top of it I realized any time I wanted, I could have sex w/whoever I wanted, and nobody could stop me. So my life began to go down the tubes. First semester was almost over. I was finishing my finals and partying like crazy. Then I took my valuable stuff, waited for my parents, and came home. I was so used to partying every night that I had to go out that night. I couldn't stay home. My mom lent me her car, they told me to be home by midnight, and released me on the world. I had called up this guy I used to party with, "J", and we decided to have plans. So I met him and another mutual friend, "P", and they decided we were going to pick up their other friend "E". A little bit of background info:J and I met about a year earlier through a guy I knew. J liked me, which I didn't realize till much later. We did have a relationship for a while, purely sexual, because I only liked him as a friend. The second I saw E there was something about him. He was beautiful to me. I couldn't stop staring in his eyes. We went to the liquor store and got a 12 pack of beer and a gallon of E&J Brandy. Then we went to some girls house for a "get-together". It ended up being 4 guys and me in a circle, they were free-styling (rapping) and I was listening. I'd say an hour later (?) all the liquor was gone. So, needless to say we were very drunk, and the guys were also high. The four of us, J, P, E, and me, went back to Peanuts house since no one was home. E went to go to the bathroom and I followed him in. We talked a little and began kissing. I was all over him. We wanted to have sex but he said "I don't have protection and I don't want anymore babies." He already had what he said was 4 and 1/2 kids. One he called a half because he wasn't sure it was his. I should have turned around and left after hearing that, but I didn't. I said "Don't worry I'm on the pill." This was a complete lie, but I truly thought I was incapable of becoming pregnant. I had tried when I was younger (understand that since I was 13 I've wanted a baby more than I wanted life it self) with two men. One I dated for almost a year and we tried every day. I even did things like stand on my head after sex. Then after him I dated another guy for about a year. I tried with him too. Nothing happened, but I knew nothing was wrong with him. He had one child already, he was married but supposedly separated while seeing me, and I later found out got his wife pregnant 4 months before we broke up. Then there were other times with others when condoms broke, or it was the heat of the moment thing and nothing happened. So I was convinced I couldn't get pregnant. Also, if there was a chance, I figured we were both so drunk nothing inside of us would work. So, he believed my pill story and within 5 minutes we were on the bathroom floor going at it. Then, we came out of the bathroom once finished. By this time J was laying on P's floor puking all over, and P was trying to clean it up. E and I went into another room and had sex again. I knew I had to be getting home and he asked me to drop him off. So, we said good bye to everyone and left. We got to his house and had sex at least 3 more times, without him even pulling out in between. I eventually left and made it home about 4:30/5 am. *A few weeks earlier my high school sweetheart and I decided to try to date again. We had been talking over the phone a lot. He wasn't yet home from school the night this all occurred. I had said I wanted to wait awhile before we had sex, since before we had it before we started dating, and maybe that had to do with our problems. We broke up on X-mas day. He said I didn't love him anymore like he loved me. Even though I wasn't going to know for 2 more weeks, I had started craving and had a feeling. I knew we could no longer date, since if I was it was someone elses. * The next few weeks went by normally, lots of partying. One thing was weird though, fish all of the sudden tasted like the best food in the world to me. I ate it all the time, and craved it when not eating it, even just fish sticks. I realized then I was late a few days, so I took a test. It said negative. Took another and it said the same. So I kept partying. I was also on medicine for anxiety, depression, etc. And I smoked cigarettes. I was supposed to be going to this huge keg party for New Years with my friend from school. The day before I still hadn't gotten my period so I decided to take another test. I stood in my bathroom, and the second I finished a line was already showing up. I just sat on the side of my tub in shock. So I called my best friend of 11 years now and told her. She made me come over to take another, just to be sure. I did and it was the same thing. She looked at me and asked what I was going to do. I looked at her like she was crazy and said, "Have my baby, of course." That day I stopped drinking, partying, and was down from two packs of cigarettes to 2 cigarettes a day. Within a week I smoked 1/2 a cigarette a day at the most. I started eating right, read my moms old baby books. I was very happy. But I was also scared. How was I going to tell my parents? I already decided "Daddy" (E) wasn't going to even know. I figured I would be better off by myself. But I still couldn't tell my mom. Finally my friend and I were on the phone while my mom was in the shower and my friend said if you don't tell her I will call her myself and tell her (This was a week or 2 after I found out). So I got off the phone and went to her bathroom door. She had just gotten out and I asked if I could come in and talk to her. Understand, my mom and I are as close as any mother and daughter could ever be. We were like best friends at times. So I walked in and said promise you won't get mad. She looked right at me and said,"You're pregnant, aren't you?" I just burst into tears. So we started to talk and she asked what I wanted to do. I said I wasn't sure. She told me she would be there for me no matter what, but an abortion was probably the best choice. I lied about who the father was, because if they would have known they would have been more upset. They still to this day think it's someone else. I told her everything I had been doing, drinking, pills, etc. She told abortion was the most "responsible" choice I could make, for myself and the baby. So I started thinking she might be right. *I would like to say that what I am saying here is what I remember, but I have blacked out a lot of it because it hurts so much* My best friend was the only one to disagree. She kept reminding me how bad I had wanted this, and how it might be my only chance at a baby. I was torn between something I had always wanted, and what everyone told me was the "right" thing to do. During this whole time I had been getting very attached to my baby, who I knew in my heart was a girl. I always had my hand on my stomach, I talked and sang to her, I even put head phones on my stomach and played opera music because I heard it was good for babies. So I made an appt with my gyno. They took another test, just to be sure. It was positive. So he did an exam as I told him everything I had been doing, including exactly what pills I had taken. I looked at him, crying, and said, "Is there any way I can save my baby?" He told me no, either I would miscarry, or my baby would be retarded, abortion was the best option. He also said he wanted me to get an ultrasound because my baby was very small, and he wanted to be more sure, or something. I don't know exactly why. By now I had already begin to shut down mentally. So I got an ultrasound. This killed me. I couldn't tell what was on there, but it was my baby. So we set the date for my abortion. He didn't want to wait long. My mom didn't want it right before my birthday, so it had to be 3 days afterward. My birthdays have all had traumatic events either on the day or the week of since seventh grade, but none could measure up to this. So I went back to school for a week or two, I don't remember. Like I said, mentally I was already gone. I still didn't drink or anything though. I couldn't hurt my baby anymore. Or maybe I did so that I could make myself believe she was messed up, and they were right...I don't remember. So my birthday came, and I enjoyed it as much as I could. But then my Dad came to take me home for the operation, which was to be the next day. I was going to take the bus to a clinic, my mom thought that was OK. Surprisingly my dad, who as never said much about it, would not allow that. He said if I was going to do it my doctor would do it in a real hospital. That whole night I sat on my porch. I cried. I prayed to me dead cat, relatives, and god to take care of my baby. But mostly I sat and talked to her. I just held my stomach crying and kept apologizing to her for everything. For being a bad Mom. For doing drugs, and drinking, for everything. I kept telling her she would be happier. I didn't sleep well that night. I don't remember my mom taking me to the hospital the next day. But I remember having to sign a lot of papers. I was completely in a daze. I was told it was a simple operation. No big deal. So simple I didn't have to be put under if I didn't want to be. So, unlike most, I was awake through it. No details, but lets just say that will haunt me for a long time. I sat there for a long time, emotionless. A nurse held my hand. And then all of the sudden, halfway through it was like I woke up. I burst into tears. The nurse kept telling me it was OK, but I couldn't stop crying and shaking. Then I went to the recovery room. My mom came in and asked me how I was and if I wanted anything. I looked at her and said, "I want my baby back. Put my baby back." I screamed this for a half hour straight. I could feel that she was gone. I just felt empty. Like someone had taken my reason for living. I had to get out of there. I was in a lot of pain, but they only gave my aspirin. The doctor prescribed me codeine for the pain, but we had to pick it up. They wanted me on the pill, so my mom went with the doctor to get it. I went to wait outside and smoke a cigarette. My Doctor came out and talked to me, but I don't remember what he said. My mom went to get the car and I began throwing up right outside the hospital door. While my mom was at the pharmacy getting the pills I sat in the car, no longer crying. I was rocking myself back and forth singing baby lullabies. The one that goes "Hush little baby..." I don't remember much of the next few weeks. I was constantly on pain killers, causing me to sleep or be in a daze. It was my way of not dealing with it. Finally I realized, thanks to two friends, I had to return to my life again. But if I drank a lot before, it was nothing compared to after this. I was hardly ever sober. I honestly hardly remember about 34 months of my life. I only went to a few classes. It ended up causing a chain reactions. My behavior and emotions were all over. I almost got in a fist fight with some guy, and he slapped me. I was extremely drunk at the time and caused a big scene. I ended up calling the police. While waiting for them I was sitting with my R.A. of my dorm, who was like a mom to me. The abortion just flooded out, so I knew that's what had caused my behavior. About a month later I ended up telling J, but asked him not to tell E. Big mistake again. They decided they were going to come up and see me with 3 other guys, P being one of them. We were drinking and E asked me to show him the bathroom. We were coming back and he stopped me before I opened my door. I still had no idea he knew. He looked at me and said "I have a question for you," completely casually. I was like yeah. He looks at me and said, "Why did you k*ll my baby?" I burst into tears. I told him I didn't want to, that I had wanted my baby so badly. That I had to do it. Finally he began to understand after me explaining everything. Later that night he was sitting in between my legs while we were all listening to music. He said "She would have been beautiful" out of the blue. I was shocked. I asked what he meant by "she" and he said the minute J told him I was preg. he just had a feeling and knew she was a girl. Later that night we all got into a fight and him and J both ended up saying some horrible things about me. I lost it and ended up taking so many pills I was dead to the world in less than an hour, they had to leave. J called a week later to apologize. I never called him again. I called E once. We talked for a while, he was supposed to call me next week or something. That was over two years ago and I haven't heard from any of them since. What's been hardest for me is dealing with regret. At the time the thought of dealing with someone retarded was to hard for me. What makes my grief/regret worse is that a few months later, when I got out of school, my friend had me get a job with her. It was supposed to be a summer job for two months. I've been there almost two years now...working with mentally retarded adults. Now I realize that if I would have by chance had a mentally retarded child, I could have handled her, and that makes it real hard. I've also had to deal with uncontrollable crying, replacement baby stuff, etc. The other hardest thing for me to deal with is forgiveness. I have come along way, but still have so far to go. I don't know if I will ever completely forgive myself. It's now been a little over two years. I joined the structured recovery group and only have two steps left. I also co-lead a board on this site. I know I have done a lot of healing. I no longer have extreme hatred for myself. I still have my down days, but they are fewer and farther between. I will never forget my angel, Essence Nicole. She will always be my first daughter.

• My story may be very different from what you have read before. I haven�t grieved for my lost child, if any, very little. I was 20 years old in December of 1998. My boyfriend and I had been dating off and on for five years. We had broken up but he moved back in with me in October. I had gotten off birth control after five years because I thought this was the last break up and that I wouldn�t need it. We were careful in other ways but not enough. The first month I missed my period in November, I ignored it, thinking it was stress from the break up and from college. In December I decided to test it. When the home test came out positive, I didn�t believe it. I made my best friend, who was a virgin, take another one to compare the two. They were definitely different. When I told my boyfriend, he just said, �Well, what did we agree to do if this happened?� I replied �I know.� I thought that was going to be the brunt of the discussion. We had always agreed on abortion unless we were married. The next day while he was at work I bought a different, more expensive home test hoping for different results, but this one just showed me more clearly, plain as day, that I was pregnant. Still I couldn�t believe it. I made an appointment at a local pregnancy crisis center and went in the next day. Again, I was pregnant. I watched a video that showed women who had abortions talking about their terrible experiences. I was counseled for hours. I was given all my options and while there, I was so strong. As soon as I pulled out of the parking lot I broke down, crying and had to pull over until I was calm. I called my boyfriend at work yelling at him, telling him that I would not do it, that I had pictures of what our baby looked like and that it was wrong. He was somewhat worried but more angry with the counselors for talking me out of it. I can see now that the only thing he was worried about was that I was telling the truth, that I wouldn�t go through with it. But I did, 3 or 4 days before Christmas. What a joyous celebration I had with my family and his. Bleeding and cramping, feeling like a murderer, looking my child�s grandparents in the eye, knowing that they had no idea what I had done. I didn�t tell my mother for about a year and a half, but I should have. When I finally did, I found out that she had one in college before meeting my father. I was so shocked that I couldn�t even speak. I couldn�t believe my mother had done the same terrible thing I had. I almost wished she didn�t tell me, for some reason I wanted to be alone in my misery and not share it with my mother. Hers was so long ago and she has had three kids since then, and she was not as upset or as guilty as me. But I haven�t mourned my child. That July when it would have been due I thought about it, and every July since then I think about it. But I don�t cry. I cried on the way home from the procedure because of an argument about marriage I had with my boyfriend. I told him we should have been married so I wouldn�t have to do that and we should start planning for the future but he didn�t want to talk about that. He was very loving and nurturing after the procedure, so he wasn�t all bad. He just didn�t see it as wrong, where as I did, but I thought it was what I had to do. I feel that I have the pain shoved so far down that I can�t bring it out. I make an effort not to remember the experience ,although I do, and to forget that I ever had a child. I left my boyfriend about two years later and have done extremely well in college and in growing as a person. I will make it in the real world and be successful but in doing all this, I feel guilty for the child that came along when I wasn�t ready, and all because of me. I should not have got pregnant until I could provide for it and love it. The only redemption I have is that my mother would have never been able to give my sisters the life we have if she had kept her first child. I hope that in going through what I did, that I learned the value of life and will work extra hard to give my future children what they need. But the biggest reason I wrote this is because I want to cry for my lost child. I want to feel sad about it, and I want to feel more guilt because I don�t think it�s fair that he/she died and I get off scott free. This feeling may very well be worse than grief itself.

• My name is Lizzy and I am 20 years old. Last year I had an abortion. Since I started my period when I was twelve, I've been diligent in counting my 28 days and knowing precisely when "Aunt Flow" would come to visit. Strangely, for some reason, I didn't bother to do that Febuary of 2000. When I first suspected my pregnancy, I was doing a night shift in the place that I worked and, waiting for my shift to be up I decided to take a look at the calendar to see when my period would arrive. So I counted from my last menstrual cycle 28 days which landed me right on the 25th of February...it was the 29th already. I didn't want to jump to conclusions, besides, there had been false alarms before. So I let it go for a couple of days. About five days later I decided just to be sure. After shooing my boyfriend away from me during a trip to a mall, I got a pregnancy test and went to the bathroom. I was shaking so much that I could hardly read the test, but ater a few seconds, it was unmistakable, it was positive and I was pregnant. Immediately, my boyfriend knew somehing was up. I hugged him and he commented on how he felt me shaking. So I sat him down and broke the news. A day after, when the shock wore off, he told me that he was against having the baby and that I will have an abortion. He then proceeded to tell me about his mother having one and that she went to have two boys after that. Then there was my family how could I tell them? All these feelings of dread overwhelmed me and I felt I had to get an abortion. Looking back, it all felt so sureal like I was watching through someone else's eyes. I made the appointment for the 28th of March. My boyfriend got so mad at me "why so late? I want it done this week, why are you doing this?!" he yelled. I gave into him and made it for the 14th. The procedure went smoothly and I remember saying to my boyfriend that it didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. Boy, was I wrong. I now know that I was bullied into an abortion and that I should've sought help through my family. When my Mom found out she told me that she too had had an abortion when she was young. If I had come to her, she would've told me not to go through with it because of the emotional hell it was for her....if only. Now I cry and wish that I could turn back the clock. I came seeking help through this site, I only hope that I will find peace.

• I am 26 years old, and I had an abortion 3 � weeks ago. I was nearing the end of a drawn out 2 � year divorce, and I had been with my fianc� for over a year. This was my first pregnancy. In fact, I never even had much interest in a family before I met my fianc�. I guess I just hadn't met the right guy yet. He has a one year old son whom I have known since the day he was born, and I love and adore him as if he were my own. I was on the pill, had been for many years, and it never occurred to me that I may be pregnant. I was only a couple of days late, and although it was unusual for me, it had happened before. The more nervous I got about the possibility of being pregnant, the more likely my period was to hold off longer. In the past, on these rare occurrences, I had taken a pregnancy test just to assure myself. I thought that I would take the test, and just like every other time, it would be negative, I would relax, and I would get my period. I did the first test, and I was so relieved when it was negative that I just left it on the sink and went to tell my fianc� the good news. I asked him what he would have said if the results had been different. He hugged me and smiled. He said he would be happy with that too. The next trip I made to the bathroom I picked up the test to toss it in the trash, and I realized it now showed a positive result. Although the directions say the results are not accurate after 10 minutes, I felt compelled to take another test. This one came out positive within seconds. I just emotionally fell to pieces. I was absolutely terrified. My fianc� was wonderful. I could tell he wanted to keep our baby. He hated being a part-time dad, and he adored the idea of having a family he didn't have to give back at the end of the weekend. We talked for two weeks about what to do. Every day I wanted our baby more and more, but reality set in. We wanted to get custody of his son so we could move out of state. First we would have to be married, which we couldn't because of my divorce. If we weren't marrried it would just look bad, and we would never get custody, never move, never have any of our dreams realized. Mostly, we love his son so much, we couldn't jeopardize getting custody. The procedure itself wasn't bad at all. Sometimes I wish it were. I feel like I deserved to be in more pain for what I had done. I have a genetic predisposition to a bad reaction to anesthesia, so I had to have the procedure done in the hospital. Everyone was very nice, and my fianc� was allowed to stay with me right up until they took me to the O.R. I only remember the nurse asking me if I felt sleepy at all. I told her no, and she said don't worry, you will. That's all I remember until I woke up in the recovery room. There were a couple of nights I had bad cramps, but nothing to write home about. The emotional pain was so much worse. My fianc� and I talked afterward, and we both revealed just how much we wanted that baby and felt our decision was wrong. We were each waiting for the other to hesitate for one second and suggest we not go through with it. We felt like we were doing the right thing for his son, but it doesn't seem right anymore. I love his son so much, and it makes me wonder how I could not love my own child enough to keep it. I thought it would be hard to be with his son, but I have found him to be a great comfort. We are still moving, although his son's mother has decided that he can live with us for several months at a time, without going to court at all. It makes me feel like I gave up my baby for nothing. I think I resent my fiance's ex more than anything. Every day seems like a special occasion to me. We just celebrated Nickie's first birthday, and we both went home and cried, realizing all day we were both thinking about the same thing, our baby would never have a first birthday. I just hope this gets easier with time

• I guess to start off I can say when I found out I was17 years old. My boyfriend and I had been together longer then a year. We were really close he was staying at my familys home with me because he had allot of problems.I guess I wanted to have a baby every teen does we weren't planning but we were not avoiding it either. I found out when I was over 8 weeeks. When I found out it was in July the fireworks were booming. I told my boyfriend right away. He was haapy and said well get threw it. I told him I wanted to wait awhile to tell my parents but one night he told them. All I can remember them doing is crying alllot. The next day I went to the doctors they said"you sure are". Thats when it really hit me. Allot of stuff changed actually the most being with my parents. We weren't close anymore the first thing I remember them saying is you know you have to have an abortion. I always just agreed but I told them I wasn't sure yet my boyfriend turned his back on me and said it was sure that I better get it done. Later that night he came to my room and sat by my belly saying he loves it allot but its not the time, he cryed and rubbed my belly over and over.The next day I had an apointment at the clince before I went he said we needed to talk the first thing I thought was its over. H ehates me! He took my had and asked if I would be his wife when things got over with I was so confussed. I told him I would promise him my friendship and love forever and if we end up there we will.I left with my mom and sister they refused to let him come but really I wanted him to go. He was trying to be there but they wouldn't let him. Off I went for a journey never forgotten. They accidently let me see my baby and hear it. She messed up. You think after all that I really would't do it but I did. I went home and didn't eat at all cryed and cryed. When It was hte day I remember these women talking like it was a game it was there 4or5 time. They said I would be ok, thats when I got so mad. I wanted to leave but I couldn't I sat there and let them do this something before I was so against I did it anyway. I'll get to the end part. Its been 9 months since I had it my baby would have been due a week ago so its hard. I've had problems since I left there I've blood nostop since then I have to get a DNC cleaning and I cramp all the time. My uturus ir fliped so I have to get surgery on that to.My boyfriend and I love each other but he wont talk about it and me I really need to. Hes in deniel and me I'm just hurting. My parents hate him but this has brought us close in away. I hurt all the time and everytime I see a baby I cry. My nephew is 3 and its hard to not mistake him as my own I love him allot. One day after its all said and done I hope I get better and move on and just learn from this. So to you all I know and I understand. Stay Strong theres help. Just talk or Write.

• I FOUND OUT I WAS PREGANT WHEN I WAS TWELVE 1/2 YEARS OLD A WEEK AFTER I TURN THIRTEEN I WAS I MONTH ALREADY I WAS GOING CRAZY THINKING I WAS TOO YOUNG AT THE AGE YOU SHOULD STILL BE PLAYING WITH BABY DOLLS. I WAS FORCED A LITTLE THE BOY WAS 17 YEARS OLD AND HE WAS DRINKING THAT NIGHT. I TOLD HIM THAT I WAS PREGANT AND LOOKED AT ME AND SAID IT WASN'T HIS I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT HE WAS THE ONLY PERSON I HAD SLEPT WITH. I TOLD MY MOTHER AND SHE HOLLERED AT ME AND HIT ME WITH ANYTHING SHE COULD PICK UP I NEEDE SOMEHELP I WANTED HER SUPPORT BUT INSTEAD SHE GAVE ME MORE PAIN I KNOW I DESERVE IT BECAUSE I WAS TOO YOUNG SO MY BOYFRIEND TOOK ME TO THE ABORTION CENTER AND MY MOTHER MET US THERE. AFTER 3 HOURS EVRYTHING WAS DONE I CRIED FOR MONTHS BECAUSE I KNEW IT WAS WRONG ME AND THE BOY NEVER SPOKE AGAIN AND MY MOTHER AND ME DON'T TALK BUT I WAS GOING TO NAMEHER ZHYRALEXIS KEMYYA SMITH AND IF IT WAS A BOY ZION DEQUAVIUS SMITH.KNOW I AM 17 AND TH EPAIN STILL HURTS. FIR ALL THE GIRLS WHO ARE FACED WITH PROMBLEMS WHEN YOU FIND OUT YOU'RE PREGANT GO WITH WHAT YOU WANT, FEEL AND THINK IS RIGHT BECAUSE AT THE END WHEN YOU MAKE A DECISION SUCH AS ABORTION YOU FEEL ALL THE PAIN SO LISTEN TO YOUR HEART NOT YOUR MOTHER OR BOYFRIEND OR ANYBODY ELSE

• My abortion took place over six years ago but it still seems like yesturday. I have been in several relationships since and I am currently in my second marriage that is heading twards failure. I am currently eight months pregnant with my second son. I remember the day so clearly. It was January 24, 1995. I was a 17 year old senior in high school and had been living with my boyfriend for four months. I swore I was in love. I wanted that baby more than anything in the world. I went to the doctor when I was six weeks pregnant and I lied to my boyfriend about how far along I was because he had already made it clear that he wanted me to have an abortion. He had two children already at the age of 21. I knew that the abortion clinics in my area would only perform an abortion up to 12 weeks so I figured if I told him I was only two weeks along when I was actually six weeks, it would buy me enough time to keep our baby. Some time went by and he didn't ask me about the pregnancy or an abortion. Then when I was almost 10 weeks along, he approached me and asked me if I had made an apointment yet. I said no. The following day when I got home from school, he was sitting in the living room and told me he had made the appointment for me but I would have to get a parental waiver because I was only 17. I thought that would be my chance. If I could just get in front of that judge alone and tell him I wanted to keep my baby then I wouldn't get the waiver. Well, that plan didn't work either. My boyfriend came into the court room with me. I didn't want to let him down so I said what I knew I would need to say to get the waiver and we got it. That day when we got home I told him that I wanted to keep the baby. He was upset. He said "I thought we agreed that you were going to have an abortion". I explained to him that he had made that decision, not me. He looked at me and calmly said that he would not be going through another pregnancy and to pack my things and get out immediatly. I was heart broken and confused. I did as he asked. I called my grandparents and they came over and loaded all of my belongings into one car load and brought it to my parents house. My abortion was scheduled for four days later. I spent the next couple of days crying constantly. I was in such a state of depression over what I thought was the love of my life, I finally called him and asked him if I had the abortion if we could work things out. He said "of course". I walked 10 miles to his house right away. That night things seemed so good. The next day I was to have the abortion. Morning came and he woke me up with breakfast in bed (from McDonalds but it was still a sweet gesture). I got dressed and he asked me if I was ready to go. We left. We got to the clinic. It looked like a regular doctors office waiting room but it felt very erie to me. I had to fill out a ton of paper work and hand the receptionist my parental waiver and money. Then it was time to go in and talk to a "counselor". Her idea of counseling was to ask me if I had given any thought to the abortion. I remember thinking, "duh, this is a child's life we are talking about". I said "yes and I am doing this for my boyfriend, not me." She looked at me very seriously and said "Well, congratulations, it looks like you are going to have a baby." and she showed me the door. My boyfriend was furious! We headed home and on the way he threw a quarter at me. He said, "This is to call your Dad to come and get you." My Dad had tried talking me out of the abortion from the begining. I cried again. He then told me that he would send the extra $300 that he had to his kids and that I would never see a dime from him. I have no idea why I told him to turn around and go back to the clinic but I did. When we got to the parking lot, he asked me if I was sure. I said "no". He once again headed back home where he gave me a guilt trip that finally convinced me that he loved me and and abortion was the best thing. I called the clinic and I asked if they would allow me to come back. The woman said normally they wouldn't allow it but in this case, they would make an acception. She also made it clear that if I changed my mind again, they wouldn't allow me to make another appointment. We went back into that erie room where I handed the receptionist my boyfriend's $300 again. They immediatly took my to the room with the "counselor" who just handed me the vicodin and darvocet and a release form. The only thing she said was, "sign here." From there I was lead to an ultrasound room and then quickly lead to a very cold room where I was told to undress and put on a paper gown. I waited there for what seemed like hours. Finally a nurse and doctor came in. The nurse told me to lay back and put my feet in the sturips. I was so cold. The nurse held my hand as I cried silently. I kept telling her that I was "so scared". She assured me that everything would be okay. She couldn't have been more wrong. I spent a while in recovery with a couple other girls and some grahm crackers. None of us said a word. When I was done one of the women that worked there helped me to get dressed and gave me a prescription for birth control pills. From there I went back into that erie room where my boyfriend was waiting for me. He told me my Dad had been there to try once more to talk me out of it. He asked my boyfriend where I was. He told my Dad I was inside and all my Dad said was "what a waste" and he left. Those words still echo in my head. My Mother called me that night to tell me to never bother to call their house again and that went for my whole family; Aunts, uncles, cousins, and even grandparents. Shortly after that my boyfriend told me I was welcome to stay for the two weeks it would take me to heal but I had to sleep on the cat urine soaked love seat. He turned the heat off at night. Keep in mind this was January and all I had to keep me warm was an old afgan my Grandma made me when I was four. That night he went out. Within minutes of him walking out that door, I was overwhelmed with this feeling of being very alone. I was scared and I started screaming at the top of my lungs. I begged God to give me my baby back. I screamed I was sorry until I was horse. I threw things and I broke things. I lost my mind and my belief in God that night. The neighbor banged on the walls and yelled at me to "shut-up". The pain was too deep. I couldn't shut up. After the first week, I was forced to have sex with that creature I had called my "boyfriend". I could have hemoraged and died but he didn't care. A couple times he let me sleep in the heated water bed with him where it was warm though. A feeling of rage comes over me just thinking about him. 12 days after the aborion, the "boyfriend" went on a weekend trip with a friend of his. While he was gone, I couldn't take it anymore. I took a bottle of asprin and washed it down with 2 beers. While I was taking the pills I called my ex-boyfriend/best-friend. He put me on another line while he called 911. I had no idea that he called but I'm glad now that he did. My "boyfriend" never even came to see me in the hospital. When I got home he yelled at me for making him look bad because we lived in a small town. At this point I had phnemonia and had lost a ton of weight. I was too depressed to eat. The ex-boyfriend that had called 911 talked to his family and they took me in to live with them. If it wouldn't have been for them, I would never have graduated high school and probably would have died. Tears run down my cheeks every time I think back to those times. I should be thankful for the children I have now and I truly am. I did end up getting pregnant again 13 months later and to be honest,(for the first time I might add) yes, I planned it. My first son's Father is long gone but I should have known that would happen. This pregnancy was unplanned and I did plan on having another abortion but then the pain of the first one haunted me and I could not do it. I also wanted to give my son a sibling. Long after I am gone, they will have each other. I don't think I will ever be over that excruciating day. All I can do is take it day by day and hope that one day it might get a little easier to deal with. One of the hardest parts is looking at web sites and seeing what an 11 week old fetus looks like and knowing, that is what I removed from my body. Then I look at my four year old son and from time to time I wonder what his older brother/sister would have looked like.

• I was 16 when I had my abortion. I had gotten pregnant by my boyfriend who was 20. He was the first person I was ever having enjoyable, all the time sex with. I had been sick for 10 days, not eating and throwing up. I went to the ER and they did a test and told me I was pregnant, I remember my jaw dropping. I said 'I want an abortion'. I was not ready to have a baby. The doctor looked at my and asked if I would not look at some pamphlets about adoption. I never entertained any other thought than abortion. At home I called my boyfriend and he didn't have anything to say to me. Throughout the whole experience he never did know what to say. Since I had insurance I went to the hospital for my 'termination'. There were preliminary tests and I always felt like the nurse and doctors were judging me. I cried the night before I went in. I got my abortion and the last thing I remember before going under is the bright rows of lights and the machines in the operating room. I was sick for about a day after wards. One thing I am lucky for is hating that baby. I wanted it dead the moment I knew about it. It made me sick. I hated it so bad. I hated the thought of something living in my body. It felt like a parasite. I felt as through I had disease. This may make me cold but the experience still hurt me. I have never had a peer or a boyfriend understand what I went through. It was still a hard decision. My best friend is Christian and tells me I am going to hell but she loves me anyway. My current boyfriend thinks people who have abortions are murderers. It hurts me to know I have had this really hard experience and no one has props or even understanding. Also lately I become hysterical around the time of my period. I am taking birth control and use condoms; but nothing alleviates my belief every month that I am pregnant again. This is a real problem for me. Even if I have not had sex, I still cry before bed, I am so sure I will be pregnant again. Even so, I know it was the right thing to do.

• I became pregnant at 15 years old. I was coaxed by mother to have an abortion because I was too young to be a mother and it would only complicate my life. So, I did. I was 3 months pregnant. I can remember laying on that bed with my legs spread wide apart. I was shaking and scared. My mother was on the left side of the bed holding my hand. I remember the doctor coming in and saying that I could change my mind if I wanted too. She continued to assure me that I had made the write choice. Now, I would be able to finish high school and still continue hanging out with my friends. She told me I wouldn't have to worry about stretch marks or being fat. She said that I was too young to be bothered with those things. I would be able to enjoy my life. I remember thinking is that right? Should I do this? The doctor stood between my legs and her assistant stood on the right side of me. She rolled out this little machine that had a tube connected to it. She went to a tray and picked up this object that looked like a straw. You know the kind that you get with a slurpee? It had a spoon at the bottom just like a slurpee straw. The doctor gently pointed that out to me and explained that she was going to place it inside of me and I would hear a vacuum sound. She told me to focus on the pretty butterfly on the ceiling. I looked at the shiney butterfly...sorta staring through it. I kept whispering inside my head "i'm sorry, i'm sorry" the machine was turned on, there it sounded like a vacuum sitting still on the floor. The slurpee straw was placed in side me, there was a sharp pain that ran through my stomach, I clenched my mothers hands. The doctor told me that I would hear a suction sound next. It was a tugging sound. vroom vroom vroom vroom vroom and then a long sllllllluuuuuurrrrpppp. Over. I got up from the table and they put me in the recuperation room for half of an hour. Then I got up ate the decorative cookies and juice that they had there and went out for pizza. I knew I had done the right thing. Now I could go on with my life. No hassles. 2 years later I was pregnant again. I opted to keep my baby this time even though the baby's father wanted nothing to do with with the baby. I was seventeen years old. At three months along I went to the doctors and had an ultra sound. They gave me a picture of the baby. The doctor said it was one of the clearest pictures she'd ever seen. And that it should be used in a medical book as an example of how a baby looks at 3 months along. I took it to school to show all of my friends. You could see outlines of the little arms, the little legs and feet, and the little tummy, and a little nose!!!! I was so proud! At about 4 1/2 months I felt a little flutter in my tummy! I felt the baby move! I really was having a baby and it was alive! I went in where my dad was sitting and told him that I had felt my baby move. That is when I remembered the time that I was 15 years old and had an abortion at 3 months along. I told my dad that now I knew for sure that I had killed my baby. I wasn't sure before because I had never felt the life inside me. If only I had waited another month and a half! There would have been no way in hell that I would have terminated my pregnancy! What was so funny was that my father was a radical pro-lifer. He was one of the people that would stand on the streets and protest the abortion clinics. I personally always thought that they weren't doing any good for their cause. But, what really started eating me up was the fact that my father was so against abortions. Yet, when I became pregnant he put all of that aside and told me that if I wanted one to get one. And try to go on with my life. I was so confused. I remember I sat the whole 3 months going back and forth should I? shouldn't I? I didn't know what to do! I knew what I wanted. I knew what was right. But, I let people with their liberal thinking like planned parenthood tell me what they thought. I let my mother tell me that my boyfriend would break up with me. I listened to what everyone said except what my heart said! I was only fifteen years old, everyone assured me that I had no idea what I wanted out of life. Which I agree. Most 15 year olds have no idea what they want or what will result from their actions. I spent the next few months having reocurring bad dreams. The suctioning sound went through my head haunting me. Everytime I seen a little toddler my heart would bleed. I was horrified at the fact that I had done away with a child. my child. For a long time I blamed my mother and my father for making me kill my baby. They've felt the pain that I've felt. They've also felt the guilt and shared it with me. I am now married with 4 of my own children. Beautiful babies. All of which god has blessed me with. I hear the pitter patter of tiny feet through my house. Most of the time I don't think about my abortion when I was younger. I'm a grown woman now and that was years ago. A mistake I can never undo. But, there are times when I'll be watching tv and the subject will come up. And I'll feel a little bad. I remember watching a preacher talk about abortion on tv not too long ago. I was visiting my parents. I don't remember exactly what the preacher said but in a way it was very uplifting. I asked my dad if when I got to heaven and my baby was there, will she(I think it was a girl) know who I am? Will I be able to hold her and hug her and tell her that I'm sorry? And that I loved her? Yeah, most of the time I feel bad. But, there are some times when I feel rotten. And I know when I look into my beautiful babies eyes that god has truly blessed me. But, I also know that no matter how many children I have, there will always be one missing. Now, this is why I am dead set against abortions. For one the murder innocent babies. For two the leave behind scars. Young girls should not be faced with the discision(sp)to have an abortion. They shouldn't be handed condoms and told that we know that they're going to do it and that we can't stop them, so they should at least be safe about it. Our girls need to be taught BY THEIR MOTHERS that sex is something that is shared between a husband and his wife. It is an act of love that should never be done out of wedlock. And if by chance that a young girl does get pregnant she needs to have people hold out their arms and embrace them. Care for them. Make them take responsibilty for their actions. Either by having the baby and placing with a family or by keeping the baby and taking on the responsibilities of being that childs mother. And for the record, just because a teen has a baby doesn't mean that it is the end of the world. She can still make something of herself. I did. I'm not saying that it was alright that I was a teen mother. What I'm saying is that I managed. Sure, I had to grow up quicker than my friends did. I didn't get to go to prom. And I didn't graduate. But, I did get a ged and I have a early childhood education degree. That's not much I know. But, I look at my son and I smile. He's wonderful. Beautiful. My life. What I live for. Just as wonderful and beautiful as the other baby that I will never know. To any teen age girls out there that are considering abortion read this. It's the story they don't want you to hear. my story.

• I am sharing my story mainly because of the people that are out there that really believe there are no consequences to abortion. There are so many things to go through. You are not told of a single one when you go to the clinic to have an abortion. Mine started when I was 20 yrs old. I was separated from my ex-husband and was dating a guy, I was sure I was not going to marry. I got pregnant the first time we were together. He along with his family pressured me into abortion. It was the most horrifying experience I had ever had, and will ever have. I had the abortion, and left him. Soon after, feeling alone with my 1 1/2 yr old daughter I had with my EX, I went back to my ex, because I had no confidence in making it on my own. That relationship was very verbally abusive and physically abusive. This time with him did not last long. I left him, my daughter and I were going to do it on our own,,until one day, I met a really good man, he had all the qualities I had really needed to be happy and healthy. We started dating, moved out of state. We soon settled down, got married, and got pregnant. At that time, my daughter was 4 yrs old getting ready to go to kindergarten. I was kind of sorry I got pregnant, because I just wanted to have some time to myself. I never considered abortion, it was not an option for me then. I had a beautiful baby boy, and he is so sweet. About 1 yr later, we got pregnant again, we talked about abortion, because we were struggling financially, and didn't know how we were going to make it, we had just bought a house, and were living on rice and beans (literally). We decided to have the baby, she is a blessing! After having my last child, I had my tubes tied because I knew we could not afford another child. I thought I was doing the responsible thing. Six months after the operation, I ended up pregnant, I was totally devastated! I went to the Doctor that preformed the operation, and was so upset! She said there is a 1 in a million chance that I could have got pregnant, and I was the million I guess. My husband didn't offer much hope in being able to make it with this additional child, I went over it and over it in my head, trying to figure out what the right thing for me to do was. I talk to friends and family, they all seemed to think abortion or adoption was the only option I had. I chose abortion. Now this was the hardest thing in the world for me to do, it was heart breaking because I thought to myself, this is my children's sibling, this is my child. I kept thinking of what someone told me, if you have another child, just think how hard you are going to make it for your other children you already have! Well, I that stuck in my head, and I thought, if anything happens to my other children, it will be my fault, because I didn't do the right thing. I cried and shook during the whole abortion, it was the worst day of my life, until....Six months later, again, I am pregnant! The same issues where there, the same thing all over again! I thought this time, how can I justify keeping this baby, if I didn't keep the other? I went to have the abortion, they sent me home telling me I needed to wait one more week. You would have thought that one more week would have changed my mine, but there were people holding me accountable for my actions. I went back a week later, and had another abortion, my third one. My husband and I started having serious marital problems, and I didn't want to be married any more. He thought it was because I was afraid of getting pregnant again, but that was not it. I was in pain, I was missing all my children that I chose not to give birth to, and I would have to live with that for the rest of my life. It has been 4 years since my last abortion, and I have just recently gotten to a place where I am not scared to talk about it. I have asked God to forgive me, and I know he has. I am now in counseling, and working on forgiving myself. To all of you young ladies out there, that have been told, or think, abortion is a quick fix, and you can go on with your life and be happy, think again. And for all you young ladies out there that have had an abortion, and saying "I'm not having a problem", well I don't think you would be reading this if you were not having a problem. It will catch up to you if it takes 5 yrs or 20, you will never forget the loss of a baby. Mother of Three angles in Heaven - AMS

• I was 20 years old when I had an abortion,its been two years since it happened and I can still see it all so clearly. I had always had unprotected sex with my boyfriend of 5 years, he never had came in me before, only that once which was all it took for me to become pregnant. I didn't think anything about it after we had made love because we both werent sure if he had came in me at all or not, so I wasent worried. I started feeling akward I would get dizzy during the day and had really bad mood swings, I had never felt so akward in my life and I automatically knew something was wrong with me. I told my boyfriend to buy a pregnancy test, he did and I did it in his house, I waited patiently to see the results when I saw that it was positive I bursted out into tears, the first thing that crossed my mind was my mother since she raised me and my two sisters all by herself after my fathers death I couldnt think of dissapointing her like that. The first thing I told my boyfriend was that I didnt want the baby , I wasent ready to be a mother I had so much planned and I thought being pregnant would ruin it all for me. He told me he would respect any decision I made. I set the appointment to have an abortion it happened Febuary 4,1999. We drove two and a half hours from my home town to have this abortion we didnt say a word to each other all I kept on doing was feeling my stomach and thinking "are you sure you want to do this" but my mother kept crossing my mind so I decided to do so. When I was there the nurses were very cold I asked if it would hurt the baby and she said no that it was nothing yet that it was only the size of a pea that it would be okay. I undressed and layed down where she told me too, tears kept on streeming down my face, I felt so empty and scared. She held my hand and told me not to cry, the doctor then came out of a tiny room on the side and held my arm to inject me to put me to sleep he told me to think of pleasent things or else I would have a nightmare and would not let him work. I felt a little akward trying to think of something pleasent as a was killing my own child. I soon fell asleep and woke up an hour later, she told me it was all done. I got back in the truck with my boyfriend feeling all sleepy and empty, we didnt say a word to eachother on the way home either. Were still together and never bring up the subject, because the last time we did we both started to cry and in 5 years it was the first time I saw him cry with such pain. I now realize how selfish I was only thinking about myself, and I'd do anything to bring back time and have my baby. I know that will never happen,and that makes me feel so bad. I wonder if God can ever forgive me for doing such a horrible thing and all I can do is tell him how sorry I am and how much I regret it. I will always wonder what my baby would of looked like and how my life would be with my baby by my side. I'm sure many women dont react the same after an abortion but as for myself abortion will never cross my mind ever again. I will go on living but its sad that my baby never even got that chance. I love you my sweet baby wherever you are....please forgive me.

• I was 15 at the time. I got pregnant the day after my 15th birthday. I didnt know that I was pregnant at the time and I went on about my bussiness as usual. Then I ended up coming home sick from school all the time, and my dad always saying "I hope your not pregnant." I started to think about it and then one day I told my school counsler. She told the nurse, and the nurse called my dad one day at work. He bought some tests, I took them, I was for sure pregnant. I had to call my boyfriend of almost 2 months and told him that he had to tell him mom. The weekend after this in December, we had a big meeting and they talked me into having an abortion. I didnt want to, but I did. I wanted to make them happy, and my boyfriend was only 14 at the time, didnt want to be a daddy. His mom paid for half, and my dad paid for half. I remember the whole trip there and back. December 10, 1999. Right after his 15th birthday, our 3 month ann. It was a long trip, and I hate it. I wish that I wouldnt have done it. I want to have a baby now, and I am only 16. I know it sounds stupid, but I really regert having an abortion. My baby would be 10 months old now, and I wish that I would have given him/her a chance. I was only 10 weeks along. This hurts me alot. I am glad to know that other people have had the same experinces as me.

• I must admit before beginning, that there are parts of my story that I am NOT proud of, not the least the abortion. Seems like it took my ab, to actually see where my life was heading, down the wrong path. Gosh where do I even begin... It's been almost 5 months, but it seems just like yesterday(kinda like Titanic:))......That my Life, my relationships, my WORLD changed forever. I got married when I was 18 to an Army man. Moved all over the country, then the world with him, enjoying the life we had created together, 4 years into our marriage I had our darling daughter. 4 years later he decided that the Army, as well as his family wasn't what he wanted, so he BAILED on us. Leaving us with nothing but each other. I won't go on about that too much, needless to say it was hard and a struggle, but I AM doing it on my own now, and she is a happy, thriving 6 year old. A year after he left us, I met my current BF online(yikes) and after a long dating time, he moved from Ohio to be with us. He is a great guy, except for the things I don't like:). Anyways, about the last 6 months ....I have to admit, we were not being careful(something that has CHANGED) letting the "throes" of passion control us. I KNEW immediately!!! I knew when we were through that the chances we had taken before, didn't mean anything like this. I remember panicking, knowing that I was due to ovulate the next day...and sure enough, I woke up the next morning with aches on my right side(I can always tell when I ovulate)....so for 14 days I prayed, cried, screamed....I knew! I didn't need a test to tell me. And the week leading up to my AF, I kept watch, waiting for the least little sign that I would start, but nothing! And when I didn't get AF on the day, I freaked. 4 days later,Dec. 3rd, my BF went and bought the test, and sure enough the faint line was there!! God, how I cried! He was so excited, I was devastated!!! What would I do? How would I ever be able to afford another child, one out-of-wedlock? I thought I would kinda hint to my mother over the phone, just to see what her reaction would be(knowing it would not be good) and She went nuts. All along, not even knowing the test had been positive, She began to tell me what a horrible person I was, how could I ALLOW this to happen to me...complete blame and then she gave me the words I never wanted to hear,"I will never love THIS one like I do my other Grandchildren". Not only was I devastated about an unplanned pregnancy, but now I had the one person in my life who had ALWAYS been my supporter, telling me they didn't want anything to do with this baby.(She doesn't care for current BF) I know I should be angry with my mother, and believe me, I WAS, very much so...not just anger, but also disappointment. She never told me to abort, actually she did, but I will admit, I already had those thoughts before she ever said a word. I was so desperate for something to happen, for someone to come along and make me realize that I DIDN'T have to do this. I played the lottery that week(something I never do) hoping I would win, so I could keep this baby. God, how I wanted my baby. A baby conceived out of love. I had always been prochoice, but didn't believe that it should be used as a form of Birthcontrol. That women had them, and I thought it should be legal for them, but never myself. On Monday I called a clinic, the only one listed in my hometown phone book was an hour away. And through tears, found out what I would need, the cost, and when to be there. The appointment was scheduled for Friday, Dec. 8th 2000. 5 days!! I was just 5 weeks! That was the only way to get through it, I thought, do it before you start getting sick. I keep telling myself, that if I began to feel pregnant, I would never go. I fought MS those 5 days.I wasn't able to fight my tears though. They came often and without warning. I was a wreck! I knew this was not right for me, that had it been a different time in my life, I would never make this choice. Walking into the clinic that morning, was the hardest thing ever. I was in a daze, going through the motions, not actually being there in my mind. My BF was with me, he was/is very supportive, and without him, I doubt I would be able to tell you this story. The devastation I felt can not even be put into words.Seeing the other ladies in the waiting room, made me feel what a waste for all of us. How horrible it was that we were all there, about to do something that will change our lives forever. We all came for different reasons, from different backgrounds but ultimately we would leave with a "bond" that no one wants to share with someone else. The death of a child. We were grouped together, like cattle, go get the urine test, then the blood work, then the sonogram, then to the little room to watch the little film. The film about the procedure, never about what your heart would do afterwards. As the movie was playing, we were given our drugs. Pain killers, relaxers, and something else, I can't remember. Then we waited to be called back. I sat with BF, went outside with BF, wanting to RUN... FAR AWAY. Escape this tragedy that was about to happen. Then my name was called, and I went in there. Out of my bottoms, sitting on the table, shaking uncontrollably, tears streaming down my face. What was taking the doctor so long? Where was someone to get me out of here? Why was I even here? Then he came in, my shaking got worst, my fear, my devastation, my life, my babies life, The PAIN..oh God the PAIN...the noise...my screams...the nurse telling me to quiet down, to control my breathing, crying out to God, doctor telling me it was almost over. My breathing faster and harder than I have ever in my life. My Blood pressure dropping, getting HOT, sweating, me hyperventaling, nurse putting a paperbag over my mouth, me fainting out, me swatting the smelly thing she put under my nose to bring me back. Needing a drink, begging for a drink, them telling me to calm down, me SHAKING! Me sitting up, then falling back again, so weak. Nurses helping me get my pants back on, walking into the room with "comfy" chairs. Crying in silence, while I drank my ginger ale, and ate a cookie. A Cookie, as if it were a freaking party. I keep thinking, how messed up this was, how we were not there to celebrated anything. Why are they serving cookies? They keep a close eye on me, checking my BP about ever 10 minutes. Making sure I was going to survive, though I was on my way to dying inside. I was like a zombie afterwards, for weeks, reliving it all in my mind. I came to this site 3 days before the procedure, not really reading anything, but knowing I would come back afterwards. And within a week I had posted for the first time. I can not tell you how many times I "clung" to you all for my support. I went through the motions of "life", but never living a moment. I knew that if others could and do begin to "live" again, that I would too. I went though alot of the stages of recovery real fast, switching from angry, to blame, to denial, to empowerment. That I would never again put myself in such a situation. That life's lessons are sometime learned the hardest of ways. I felt so desperate to regain my relationship with God. To quit blaming Him. (I was raised with a strong faith in God) It wasn't His fault that I got pregnant, it wasn't His fault I had to end the pregnancy. I hadn't prayed to Him, since the day of the procedure, but one night(right before Christmas), I broke! I dropped down on my knees and sobbed to Him, yelled, screamed, ask for forgiveness, and rose from my knees with a peace I can not explain. A connection I had longed for, a place in my soul that I thought had blacken forever. The months that have passed have been a struggle, though they are getting easier. I still count the months, knowing that I would be 6 months pregnant now, knowing that my anniversaries still lie ahead, and leaning more on my friendships here to get me through those times. But mostly leaning on God to carry me over those memories. I haven't named my baby, I don't know if I ever will. I feel she was a girl, and she is looking down on me, watching me make the changes in my life, that makes her death not in vain. I get sad, but when those times come, I get this "comforting" feeling and I know in my heart that she as well as God are hugging me. ~Okay, there is my story, if you made it this far, you know more about me than alot of my real-life friends. Thank You for reading it. It took me 2 days to get through it and though I wrote it, and it is my story, I read it over now, and it seems it doesn't belong to me. That this was someone else's experience, the experience of the women I was Before.

• Hi I'm 17, my name is BJ and I had an abortion at the age 16. Me and the person I was pregnant by had been together 3years, we broke up in january 2000, but eventhough we were broke up, we still were having sex. He told me that he loved me, but then I know he lied, cause before I found out I was pregnant, a girl called my house. She said that they were together now and that I should move on. I called him and asked him why didn't he say he had found another girlfriend, and he said "I never said I didn't". So than since he wanted to be like that I left him alone. I went to work the next week and felt real sick, so the next day I went to the clinic, they told me I was pregnant, I just dropped on the floor and cried. I told him I was pregnant and bluntly he said "it's not mine", I told him I would have it and leave it on his porch, and he said that I just wanna break him and his girlfriend up, which I didn't, it was our baby, and I was the one carrying it. He said that he would look at it out of the window. So I left it alone, and my mom paid for my abortion. I would've had my baby in March 2001. I regret having aborted my child, because even though I was mad about being pregnant, I was happy too. I knew it would just be wonderful to be a mom, but you know what? it was just too soon.

• i just had an abortion may fourth 2001.the father and i are real close.known each other all of our lives.we are now 26 years old.we decided on abortion.which i thought to was the best decision we made.since i already have four daughters and he has and he has a son.i carried my baby four 10 weeks .i never thought it would effect me this way. when the nurse called my name to go and end this all i got nervous .in the back of my mind i was saying turn around and run away.but another thing said you already have four children and taking care of them alone with no support you're making the right decision.so i went through it.all while it was happening i was saying out loud i can not believe i am doing this.oh god will you ever for give me.the next day i felt so horrible like a murderer with no heart .and to look at my daughters who look at me with much love.being a mother is my hearts joy.but what made me make such a decision.i don't know to forgive my self.i never thought any one could cry so many tears.i tried not to discuss this with the father but i just could'nt help it. he tells me you will get through this .easier said than done.after crying all night one day i went to sleep and dreamed that i was still pregnant and had to make the decision on keeping my baby or abortion.i was sitting in the office with a councelor and i suddenly said i don't care who will not understand why i decided to keep this baby and already have four kids or even if this guy didn't stay around to help.i'm going to give this precious someone life.and i woke up.i was feeling so happy.after a minute it hit me.i've already made that horrible decision. i felt all empty inside again.i just want to turn back the hands of time.oh lord jesus please hold this heart aching woman in your arms and pleas for give me and help me for give my self .

• Its been 7 years since I had my abortion. It still seems like yesterday. I was 17rs old and a junior in high school. My boyfriend and I at the time had been seeing each other for about 8 months. We had recently broken up shortly before I discovered I was pregnant. I was truly shocked. I had been on the pill for almost a year. The only people I ever told were my two best friends and my ex-boyfriend. Of those three people only one was supportive of me. I will never forget how one of my best friends called me a killer. I left school that day..because I just couldnt deal with the criticism from her. Thankfully, my other friend was very compassionate and kind to me. I live in a state where parental consent is required but thankfully ther is a loophole. If the girl is at least 17yrs of age she can visit a juvenile judge who basically interviews you and decides whether you are mature enough to make this choice without your parents consent. Since I didnt feel like I could tell my mom about this situation I decided to go see a judge. I have often wondered if that judge knows how thankful I am for his kindness and understanding. I will never forget the last thing he said to me was "just because I signed this order does not mean you have to go through with this." Even though I knew i was going to have the abortion come hell or high water it meant alot to me that he was so kind to me. I had my abortion in November 1994. I will never forget the protestors outside the clinic and how one of the clinic staff had to help me get inside. My best friend, bless her heart, did her best to protect me from them. Thankfully the laws have changed since then in regards to picketeers,etc. I went to Planned Parenthood and the nurses there were so kind to me. I have never doubted my decision and that it was the best one for me. I am now in a longterm relationship, have been since I was 18. My boyfriend is a wonderful person with a great heart. When I was 20 I found out I was pregnant again. This time my decision seemed to be a much harder one. My boyfriend was someone I loved very much, someone I did see myself having children with. Someone I wanted to be with the rest of my life. So we sat down and discussed our options. We looked at our situation realistically and came to the conclusion that abortion was the best choice at this time in our lives. I was in college full time and he had recently started a new job in sales. This time I told my mother about what was going on. Though she was supportive I felt her disappointment in me for getting myself in this situation. However I also told my sister who was wonderfully supportive of me. I am now 24yrs old and due to graduate very soon from college. My boyfriend and I have plans to marry after I graduate. I look forward to having children one day. When we are both ready and able to be the kind of parent a child deserves. Not the kind I would have been before. I am forever grateful for the legal right to an abortion I had and I am still to this day very pro-choice. I actively right to my congressman and representatives regarding abortion rights and I encourage all who are prochoice to do the same. Thanks for letting me share my story!

• It happend in August 1999. We had unprotected sex and although he did not "ejaculate" into me, I became pregnant. Guess we were too fertile. I was having very bad morning sickness before that and when my monthly was late, I had a feeling I was expecting. I did a test and my worse fears came true. I could not turn to my family members as they are deeply religious and would be very disappointed with me. My boyfriend and I made plans to see a doctor and a date was set to terminate the pregnancy. It was not difficult for us to come to the conclusion as I live in an Asian society where such incidences are taboo and extremely embarassing. Besides, our relationship was not a happy one. The fateful day came and I had to make my own way to the hospital. Looking back, it amazes me that I could be that emotionally strong to see myself through the entire process. He did not comfort nor provide any emotional support. After the operation, the hospital did not allow me to be discharged unless someone came to accopmpany me. I had no choice but to call him as only he and God knew. He came, checked me out and went back to work. We were colleagues then and he was so afraid that others would gossip about our coincident disappearance on the same day. After the check out, he left for work and I had to get a cab myself. I did not go back but went to his place to recuperate. He came back late that night. I had to buy my own dinner and even his. We broke up 10 months later and I am so glad I was courageous enough to dump him. Looking back., I see that as an error in my life and wish things could be different. But every trial that comes our way forges our personality. I don't suffe from depression or even feel guilty about the incident. That scares me. I gave the okay to murder my own flesh and blood but no guilt feelings? It's probably because I knew I had to do it and if the child was born, I would be depressed, suicidal and not in a healthy state of mind. To all who's going though this, think carefully and understand the emotional feelings you may experience after this. To all who decide to bear the child, I salute you. I wish you all the best and pray for you all.

• I have know my b.f. for 5 months. we were very sexual active. we use protection at first. but thenwe stop. about a week and half I went to the Dr. because I was 2 weeks late. I king of had a felling I was pregnant because I had mooring sickness and I lost my appetite. when the Dr. told me I was pregnant I began to cry. I didn�t want a baby, I am not ready for it, I don�t have the money to take care of a baby, I don�t even have enough money to support me in school. I want to Finnish college and get a good job, and I was scared what my parents would say. They are the type parents that want me to wait. When I found I was parent I was kind of happy cause there was a baby in. I love children I do want children but when I get older. I though so much what I was going to do with my baby. I thought about abortion, and adoption. t hen I finally thought about getting an abortion. I talk to my b.f. and he said he was thinking about that too. because we don�t picture ourselves together in the future. I went to the clinic with my best friend. while we were driving there I was hoping there was no protectors outside. when we got there was 2 women outside telling me not get an abortion, she was saying so much stuff to me. she even told me that she will adoptive me baby. I just started to cry. when I finally made it the clinic I got ready for them to check the baby. they told Me. the baby was 7 weeks old. i couldn�t believe that.this baby has been in me for 7 weeks. i was parent when i had my last period. in a way when she told me i was 7 weeks i didn�t want to get an abortion but in a way I told my self this is the best.When I woke up I started to cry. I couldn�t believe i went through that is that hardes decision I ever made. I am still depress. I fell guilty and so sad. and I hope I can get through this. right now I wonder what if I kept the baby, will it make me happy? was it a boy, a girl? what will I named it if kept it? I can't stop asking this questions.